Tomorrow

Court is tomorrow. I'm nervous about it...soooo nervous. I'm so afraid that I'll have to testify...and more afraid that when I do, this guy still won't have the faintest understanding of the trials my family and I have been through since this accident. I still hurt everyday...I still cry almost every night because of the frustration and pain I have. My hands hurt me constantly. Since returning to full duty, I am having tingling in my hands at feet at the end of the day, an electric shock kind of feeling running down my right leg. I have to go see a physiatrist about that, and also a plastic surgeon for the scars on my face. Everyone is so nice and says they don't even notice them...but I notice them. I see how my lips don't close evenly over my teeth, and how my left eyelid droops and left eyebrow sits higher on my face than the right. I don't think I should be left with these scars, with half my face looking so different from the other...I know I should be grateful that these scars are as minimal as they are...and I am. But I don't want to look in the mirror every day and be reminded, I don't want to wonder if every person I talk to is looking at my scars and wondering what happened to me, or judging me because of how my face looks. It's bad enough I have a huge scar from my sternum to the top of my pubic bone, and a 5 inch scar down my left leg from my hip surgery, and the scar on my right wrist that caused someone in my class to ask if I had attempted suicide. Nice. My left hand is kind of odd-looking, with the "road rash" look and the odd movement of my fingers from the fractures. I still worry that I won't have full function of that hand...I guess I fake it good enough because the doctors were eager to release me from their care. I guess I don't complain enough? I had 2 appointments with 2 different doctors, and neither of them asked me about my pain. I guess I'm so used to the pain now that it's not foremost in my mind...