Today

By the time I'm done writing this blog (whenever that will be, I hope I never stop writing) I'm sure there will be many posts in here, titled, "Today." One day at a time....

Update:

I'm off work again. Endurance is waning, pain is increasing, same symptoms, different day, different year, different mindset. It has now been four years. The only thing that hasn't changed is my pain, and realizing that the only thing that makes it go away is doing NOTHING. That is not acceptable. I refuse to live that way, because that is not living.

I've finally begun to accept that this is probably as good as it gets for me. I might not be able to work as a floor nurse, helping the sick...but maybe I can go back to school, get my master's degree and be the BOSS of the floor nurses who help the sick, and manage patient caseloads, and see that these people are well taken care of and that my staff is doing everything they can to ease the pain of the suffering. There are other paths to greatness, I am forging my own...

So much has changed in such a short timespan, I would love to post it all here but some of it just needs to remain in my heart...some can see the truth of it, the purity of it, of what it always has been and always will be...and others feel the need to taint it with their resentment and I can't allow that to happen here...so, I go on, and I love, and I live, and I accept what I can't change. It's time for me to take a new direction, a new approach...I have failed to see and truly appreciate the beauty in my life because I was so busy being angry and heartbroken for what cannot be. For what I can't do, for what I thought I believed but realized it wasn't true, it was never true...and now, I just have to move forward. We can never go back, we can only move forward with the knowledge and experience that we gain from the things that we live through...and that's just got to be good enough. It doesn't mean that every day I'm happy, that I'm refusing to see the bad things that are part of my experience, because I do see them...I do feel them...but I'm claiming it as my own. It's MY life. It's MY experience. And I'm deciding that it's going to be a beautiful and exciting journey, good AND bad..but all mine, and always beautiful in the end, always the lessons that I needed and the experiences I had to go through in the end.

I am learning that even the bad things we go through in life can teach us to appreciate the good. That when we come through a hard time, we can look back and say, "see how much better it feels to be me, today?" I'm finding that there is so much more comfort and confidence in the knowledge that all things are already decided, they are already written...and it's only up to me to move my very own chess piece--it doesn't really matter what else is on the board, as long as I remember that I'm the only me, and the only one who can truly appreciate me, who else can love me as much as I can? How can I truly appreciate how another loves me, until I truly love myself? I know that I have a purpose here, and I am regaining my joy and excitement in knowing that...and also, in not knowing what exactly that purpose may be, I might think that the path I'm on is right and forward and then something causes it to curve...isn't that exciting??? It's always an adventure. Even the pain brings appreciation for the days that I have less pain...and I look forward to those days...

This is my "Today."

What's New?

Well, what isn't? My attitude...that hasn't changed. It makes me so sad to look at the optimism and strength I used to write with, and now what I'm left with is resignation and defeat. I really feel that I will lose all resolve at any moment...and I honestly believe that I am one of the strongest, most positive people I know. But I can't take any more. I am so tired of waking up each day in pain. Tired of being told, "after this surgery, you'll be able to do whatever you want!" Sure! I can do whatever I want; if I plan on being in bed for 3-4 days afterward, on high-dose opiates and cursing the skies and anything/anyone else who comes within earshot...is that realistic?? I am exhausted...each day I wake up, cringing as I try and climb out of a bed that suddenly feels 40 feet high, walking 8 feet to the closet (which seems 100 feet away) and taking the first of 8 daily painkillers...I'm so tired of feeling this way. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to keep being frustrated and having it thrown in my face that there are so many things I can't do anymore that I took for granted before. Yes, I know I should be thankful that I'm alive, that I survived a horrible accident, but ya know what??? I can't tell you the number of times I wished I hadn't survived...saving my kids the pain of losing a parent is the only reason I am glad I am alive...I couldn't put my family through that. But I just don't know how much more I can take. Every day I get up and try to go to work...and I'm lucky if I make it there 3 days a week. By the time 3 hours have passed on the days I DO make it in, I am near tears, my arms and hands are numb, I am exhausted just from the sheer effort it takes to keep a smile on my face. I try hard to hide my pain...I don't know if it's better or worse, but I hide it...people's pity makes me angry, their sympathetic looks make me want to scream, I know there are many, many people who are far worse off than I am; but who is that thought supposed to comfort?? Why should I feel guilt when facing the reality that is my pain and my life? Why do any of us have to suffer? It doesn't make sense to me anymore. All the things I love have been altered; all that I enjoy in life has been stripped away--dulled by the pain that never leaves me. I feel like it's thrown in my face at every turn, YOU CAN'T MAKE IT. YOU CAN'T DO IT. Doctors keep trying to make me push harder, to make me go through the increased pain, exhaustion and tears, and I just feel like I'm finally going to break. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep forcing my body to do what causes so much pain, what am I trying to prove?? That I really can't do this?? I already know it...what will it take to make them see that?

Another year

I didn't have to read many posts back to realize that a lot of things have changed in my life but my pain is not one of them. It's been over 3 years and I still hurt everyday, some days more than others. My marriage is destroyed because of the stress from all this, his inability to cope and understand, my decreased sympathy for anyone else's problems when mine seem so huge. I am angry. I feel robbed of my life. All I have ever wanted is to be a mom, to run and play with my kids, to take care of them, to work tirelessly in a garden and bake and cook and clean my house, to take care of people as a nurse, to love my job as I do and know that I do it so well...to have a partner who understands and loves me for who I am, not what I used to be. And I had ALL of that once...a couple years ago...and then I got hit by this drunk driver, and now...I'm in the middle of a divorce. Trapped in a body that holds onto more pain than I know what to do with. I can't run with my kids, I can't chase and play ball and wrestle with them like I used to do. I can't WORK....WHY?????? Why does a damn good nurse have to be robbed of her joy and her profession, from something I KNOW I was born to do?? Not many people are passionate about what they do for a living...I am, and yet I am prevented from doing it. I didn't ask for any of this. I had the life I wanted. Now I have to figure out what to do with what is left. I can still be a good mommy, maybe I'm a little crabbier because of my pain, but I know I do a good job. I'm probably not much good anymore as a partner, because I am so paralyzed within myself because of the pain that rips open my heart everyday...and I don't know how to heal that. Some broken hearts just keep on bleeding, I swear...
I feel SO robbed...I HAD all this. I KNEW how to heal, I KNEW what would help me spiritually, I STILL counted my blessings and saw a path to move forward...and now, I feel so trapped, I feel like I am mired down in this pathetic swamp so deeply that I cannot move. I'm tired of hurting. I cry inside when I look into my babies' eyes and see how they hurt for the mom they used to know, for the dad that's living separate from them because we just couldn't fix it anymore, I just want to be OK....I want to get through a day and say, that was a good day. I didn't hurt, I did what I wanted to do. I don't know how to get past the hurt I have over not being able to live the life I wanted. How do you do that??? How you do accept something that huge when all your life you've pushed and fought and worked for everything you've ever wanted?? Suddenly I'm just supposed to accept that this is what I am left with?? A body that screams at me every day and a soul full of pain because I want MORE!!!! I cannot accept this!!! I want to be my own everything, that's all I know how to be. so someone please tell me how I learn to accept all that I am now. And yes, maybe someday it'll be ok...but I just need to see it today.