Five Years

Tomorrow it will be five years since my entire life turned upside down. I have tried very hard to maintain a positive outlook during this whole ordeal...through all of the surgeries, through all of the therapies, both physical and psychological, I've put on a brave face and worked hard to push through everything I've come up against. What I have come to realize quite recently is that I haven't done a very good job. I've pushed away my most terrifying emotions for fear of being consumed by the anger and frustration that surrounds so many of the experiences I've had. I have hidden the fear that bubbles up inside me nearly each day...I didn't ever want my kids to see me as weak or unable to cope...I wanted to teach them to be positive and to embrace life with excitement and determination no matter what life throws our way. In doing that, I realize I may have caused them to lose touch with how they really feel, as I have. I became a shell for a very long time, too afraid to open my eyes to every aspect of my inner being, as I didn't really like what faced me there.

Finally?

So here I am again...so many days I've had the urge to write but the words sound so bitter and hopeless that I hate to see them in black and white. It's enough that they are in my head...it's enough that I am usually successful in keeping them out of my heart. Much of the time, I put on a smile and get through the days; once in awhile, I allow myself to cry, to rage against my love, who always looks at me with his kind, beautiful eyes and assures me tomorrow is another day. Wraps me in his big, strong arms and I feel safe.

I found the pictures Mom took of me 5 days after the accident...looking at those pictures made me realize a few things...

I have realized that the fact is this; I may never be a CCU Nurse, or a Nurse Midwife. I may never even be more than a Graduated Practical Nurse who lives with pain every day. But that does not mean my life is worthless. That doesn't mean that my soul is somehow diminished. The only thing capable of creating that thought is the loss of hope. A few times, throughout the years since this car crash, I thought I had lost all hope...and something always helped me to push through. Something deep within myself has always burst forth like sunshine through the darkest storm clouds...and I rise upward again. Looking at those pictures, the countless stitches and staples and bandages and casts, bloody bruises and broken bones, missing and broken teeth and hair matted with blood...and I realized, how amazing...how unlikely that I survived that. And I look at the miracle that I am now, I see myself in a whole new light again.

I looked through all of the pictures I've taken of the kids over the years...sorted through baby pictures of the five most precious gifts a mother could have...loving each memory, each moment I've been blessed with as their mom...and how bittersweet, to realize that suddenly, when my baby girl was about 10 1/2 months old, the pictures became so scarce. The hands holding the camera became wrapped in casts. The daily walks and ballgames and family trips ceased to be. The bond between a mother and her children was altered as her pain and healing encompassed everything in her mind, her body and spirit. As I tried to heal, to return to some semblance of normal life, the pictures resumed. I grit my teeth and did for my babies whatever I could no matter how I hurt or what anguish I felt. I protected them always from the pain and heartbreak I felt because I couldn't be the Supermom I always tried to be... Although this didn't last long, it lasted long enough to leave an imprint on the hearts of my beautiful blessings and on my own heart; our foundation was shaken...our lives set on edge with the nagging suspicion that at any moment, some new tragedy could topple what we used to think was immovable. What I realize now, and hopefully I'm teaching my kids the same, is that there is nothing in this life that can truly harm us. Nothing in this world that can take away the amazing bond between a mother and her children. Watching my parents as they live with the loss of my brother, I realize that even death doesn't break the bond between parent and child; I see evidence of my brother around Mom and Dad all the time. These bodies and circumstances are temporary; just a vehicle for a human experience in a world that can sometimes be cruel, but more often beautiful if you know how to see that beauty. Incredible if you can only remember through the eyes of a child how perfect and precious every single life is on this planet...and that all of us will struggle. We will all have our trials. Some of us will survive it; some will realize their strength, resolve and beauty; others will succumb to the hopeless reality that the human brain creates if you allow it. The greatest kindness we can display during our lifetime, I've found, is the ability to be truly loving and kind to ones self. By doing this, we see others through eyes of love, and we see ourselves as the spiritually-connected beings that we are...that makes life's challenges a little easier to bear. There are no accidents. We are all in this together, to live, learn and enrich one anothers lives in even the smallest of ways.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas out there...and to me, my gift to myself is that today, I begin writing the book I promised myself I would write.