With 2012 approaching and 2011 coming to a close, I think back on the past year and all of the wonderful memories I've made with my loving family...I have so much to be thankful for. I've always thought that my appreciation for life and all of the people in it have helped me keep my head on straight, although I've made my share of mistakes...I know in my younger days and even some of my older ones, I've made some wrong turns, taken some steep climbs and fallen low in the valleys too...but I always come back up again, always find an even keel, and I know that a big part of that is due to the loving support of my family and friends. Life is about choices, and the path that we choose sometimes heads us in directions we never expected to go, but need to experience nonetheless.
Every Christmas since my accident, I'm reminded of the first Christmas after...December 2005...when my co-workers played Santa Claus to our family, making our holiday so beautiful. Sweet and dear friends who cleaned my house for me when I couldn't, coworkers of Mom's, strangers we had never met, so many people reached out to us that year, helping with childcare, lending a shoulder or an ear, and even helping lil old busted-up me in and out of bed while I healed. I still can't find words strong enough to express my gratitude to everyone during such a tough time; I have tried again and again, but the only way I've found that feels even remotely close to the amount of gratitude I feel is to give back to people in my community that have fallen on hard times too. Paying it forward just fills me up inside. It's also a big part of my emotional/spiritual healing, which I thought was all happening along with the physical, but the mind is an amazing thing...while I was concentrating on the physical healing, my mind blocked out a lot of the emotional stuff, at least until I was at a point where I could take that on as well. The greatest part of that is done but I still have my moments. I'm grateful for a partner who is loving and patient with that part of me. Thanks hun...also equally grateful for my loving mom, dad and sisters, who listen when I need to cry and love me no matter what. You are the best family a woman could ask for. And my kids, who show me everyday all that I have to be thankful for and joyful about, they are my every breath. I am here only because of them, I know that, beyond any doubt.
Before our family had experienced the tougher times, I was fiercely independent, always the first to lend a hand to others but always the last to ask for help. I didn't have a lot of faith in people outside of my own family, life up until that point had shown me that it's just best to rely only on yourself, it just saved me from constant disappointment that way. The outpouring of kindness that our family experienced was completely unexpected and overwhelming. Thank you to all of my family and friends for reminding me that standing alone doesn't necessarily make you stronger; it just makes sure that you stand alone when you really could use someone to lean on. I couldn't have stood alone that year, and I'm so glad I didn't have to. Thank you to everyone who took the time to be there for all of us that year.
I love you all so much, and I am so grateful for you all, everyday. We may not talk often enough or even travel in the same circles anymore, but believe me, I have not forgotten all of the wonderful things you all did for me, and I never will. You are all in my daily prayers, and you will continue to be, because you deserve to be lifted up and cherished always. Not a day goes by when I don't remember how blessed I am, and I don't intend to forget.
I know this might be hard to believe, but I don't think I'd be nearly the person I am now if I hadn't gone through that accident. I wouldn't wish that kind of thing on anyone, even myself, but I can see the good that has come of it, and the goodness I've found in myself and other people. I learned that I am much stronger than I ever imagined was humanly possible...but that it's ok to be weak sometimes too. Someone very smart once said, "It's when we feel we are at our weakest that we learn how truly strong we can be." I learned that the goodness and kindness of strangers is much greater than I ever could have known if I hadn't crashed that day. I have learned a new appreciation and respect for everyone around me, from my own family to the gas station attendant down the road. Every life is of the utmost value and importance. I'm so thankful that mine was spared...because I have a good life, and it's only getting better!!
Love, Light, and Best Wishes to EVERYONE for 2012!! (and, now I need to get off the computer because my back can't handle this dang chair today...LOL)
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Tuesday, December 13, 2011
Diet Changes to Decrease Pain
Today I'm steering clear of the sappy feely sobbing EMOTIONAL part of dealing with chronic pain, etc...and I'm going to make a list of changes I've made in my diet that have helped me cope with my chronic pain. I don't know how many doctors I've seen or specialists I've talked to, but I have to say that, with the exception of one amazing doctor, the most helpful information that I have gained is a result of my own research. BOO, modern medical community, BOO.
Above all, for any illness or injury, to get the best recovery we need to NOURISH OUR BODIES WELL. That doesn't mean eating more, it means eating SMARTER and giving our bodies the right nutrients so we can become well again, or give our bodies more fuel to fight against whatever illness or injury is taxing us. Whole foods, fresh fruits, veggies in great abundance, lots of good water, sunshine in healthy doses and fresh air and exercise- sounds so old-fashioned, but guess what?? The incidences of cancer, colic, mental illness/depression, and all types of syndromes, disorders, diseases, allergies and sicknesses were WAYYY lower a hundred years ago, before we were adding all of these fillers and additives and chemicals and recycled air to our daily diets. Do you ever wonder if "so many diseases were under diagnosed" really means "it just didn't exist yet" ??? Read up, buttercups, it's true. Our preservatives and flavor enhancers and artificial sweeteners are making even healthy people sick. So here's what I do to help me feel better everyday. Any of you who try these things, make sure you check with your doctor if you're taking any medications, because HERBS ARE POWERFUL and they can and will enhance, interfere with or otherwise affect the medications you are already taking. So don't take them without discussing it with your doctor first.
DIET: 1. DECREASE RED MEAT CONSUMPTION. I have cut red meat down to about once a week. (much to the chagrin of my carnivorous family) I've done lots of reading about red meat increasing inflammation by antagonizing or adding to our bodies' natural prostaglandins, which are hormones associated with muscle tone, irritability and women's cycles. (also men's but this is not sex ed lol)
2. Cooking with lots of OLIVE OIL. Omega-3's and 6's are very good for all of us anyway, but I've read that they can be helpful in decreasing chronic pain, I think mostly by encouraging more of the feel-good chemicals released in the brain when we feed it "brain-food" like Omegas. Omegas are also in fish oil, salmon and other big fish, and so eating more fish instead of red meat is a plus.
3. FLAX SEED OIL. Also has Omegas in it, and for some reason it is associated with lowering joint inflammation. There are great bread recipes with flax seeds in them, or you can add the oil to just about anything you cook, it doesn't have a strong flavor so it doesn't alter the flavor of the food. COLD-PRESSED oils are better than heated or chemically purified oils, because they retain the most of their natural nutrients and our bodies recognize NATURAL nutrients as opposed to CREATED or ARTIFICIAL- our bodies receive chemically processed and artificial ingredients and view them as "invaders" or possible threats to the body's health and thus the body activates the immune system. IE: MORE INFLAMMATION. Also if we are feeding our bodies processed and altered foods everyday, we are constantly wearing down our natural immunities and stressing our immune systems to the point of exhaustion. That's when syndromes, diseases and all kinds of illnesses kick in full-storm. Protect against that. Just eat better.
4. TURMERIC. It's a simple spice, found in lots of soups and seasonings, I add it to lots of stuff because it also helps encourage healing, is a strong reducer of inflammation and is good for circulation. I've read it can even be beneficial in preventing/protecting against cancers.
5. BLUEBERRIES! Tons of fresh fruits and veggies are good for you, but blueberries have so many vitamins and healthful properties, they supply some building blocks to basic cell rebuilding like capillary basement membranes, they support collagen production, they neutralize free radicals and they are just yummy.
6. VITAMIN D!!! People living in Wisconsin are almost always vitamin D-deficient. We don't have enough sunshine year-round to allow our bodies to make the proper amount of vitamin D, and you will not get it from tanning beds, you will only get wrinkles, skin discolorations, melanomas and other bad stuff from tanning beds so just take a supplement and stop pretending you are trying to get some much-needed sunshine. You are defeating the greater good of our sunshine with those fakey bakey bulbs. I take 1,000 IUs daily. Now, vitamins A and D are FAT-SOLUBLE which means they are stored in the tissues when our bodies can't use any more of what is available, so it IS possible to overdose on D. Talk to your doctor about an appropriate level for you. Vitamin D also aids the body in absorbing calcium and calcium is needed for bone health, muscle tone and building, and healing. Calcium is pushed by docs and media and yes it is necessary but it is not well-absorbed without vitamin D.
7. VITAMIN C. I take 500-1000mg daily. Vitamin C is WATER-SOLUBLE so once you've ingested (via food or supplement) all that your body needs, you will just excrete it in your pee (or, if you're sensitive to vitamin C, which some people are, you will become good friends with the bathroom as your body makes you acutely aware of your BT or Bowel Tolerance of vitamin C. So listen to your body. Use common sense and caution as well as a trusted doctor's advice.)
8. B VITAMINS!!! (Thiamine, Riboflavin, Niacin (which causes a warm flush in some people), B6, Folic Acid (good for healthy baby making too) and B12.) People who deal with chronic pain are also very very very very (did I say very?) often, chronically depressed. I don't like to take medications. I am very sensitive to them, I don't like to feel "doped up" or unnatural and so dealing with the frustration/sadness/depression/pain cycle is easiest to handle, for me, by taking a B-complex. Some people swear by St. John's Wort also, I have not tried this yet but am curious. Watch for it in another blog post. Or, if my posts suddenly become giddy and super cheery, then the St John's Wort worked. Yay me.
9. GARLIC. I can't say enough about the healing and illness-fighting properties of garlic, onion, leeks, everything I read about them is good. Antibacterial, antiviral properties, they aid in digestion (unless you're allergic or intolerant of them like some people) they are cholesterol lowering, and are good for lots of stuff. I don't have a spleen and so my immune system is overworked all the time as a mother of 5, I use garlic to help fight off colds and illnesses, and of course, vampires. ;)
10. ATTITUDE. of GRATITUDE. And LAUGHTER. It is so easy to be pissed off and hate our situations, our pain, our problems, but you know what? It does NOTHING. Except get us pissed off. Wasted energy. Energy we could have spent researching a tonic for pain, laughing hysterically with friends or family or at ourselves, over a funny movie or ridiculous situation, doing some deep-breathing and focusing on drawing positive energy to ourselves to encourage wellness...laughing burns calories, it increases the brain's production of feel-good chemicals which flood our bodies and decrease our perception of pain, and breaks the destructive cycle of "I can't, I hurt, I'm worthless, I'm perpetuating my own pain by feeling BAD." So just stop it. We have today. Everyone has a different today, but we all have it, so use it to your advantage. You have it. TODAY. Breathe deep, in and out, 10 times. Now do something else. Stop focusing on the bad, and go do some good, for you or someone else. Your body will thank you for it. ;)
I am a firm supporter of chiropractic care, don't call them quacks- because if you think about it, they care for the message center for our ENTIRE BODY. That is very important work. If our spinal cords are not healthy and functioning properly, how can the rest of our body work properly?? They CAN'T. Medical doctors would like us to think chiropractors are quacks, because diminishing the reputation of chiropractic and holistic care allows other medical professionals to keep pushing pills and writing scripts and making money off the perks from pharmaceutical companies. Stop feeding the moneymaker. Take your health care back into good hands and out of the medical model of treating SICKNESS. Promote your own wellness. Chiropractors promote wellness.
Check out Ayurvedic medicine and massage. Don't knock it til you try it. Invigorating massage, yoga, meditation, the best medicine EVER, and it's been around for thousands of years. Can't be all that bad.
Herbal remedies, whole foods, holistic medicine, Traditional Chinese Medicine, ALL things that are "poo-pooed" or diminished by the medical community, but the truth is that these are ALL things that promote health and wellness. Check into it, do some reading at your local library, you will be surprised at the untapped resources of sound health care practices you will find there. Herbal and holistic medicine is much more regulated, monitored and kept to standards of good measurement than the bad press of the past would have us think. There is a reason universities around the country and the world are teaching herbal and holistic medicine...IT WORKS!!
Much love and light to everyone, I hope anyone out there dealing with chronic pain can find some sort of helpful information from this blog...I can't have gone through all of this pain for nothing, so I have decided to try and use it to help other people avoid the frustrations that I've had along this journey.
I forgot to add, I have been reading a lot about Valerian Root recently, and I plan to talk to my doctor about it. I've read that it is very helpful in decreasing nerve pain, helping with sleep disorders (which are very common in people with chronic pain) and I'm curious to see if it's something that would help me. Stay tuned.
Above all, for any illness or injury, to get the best recovery we need to NOURISH OUR BODIES WELL. That doesn't mean eating more, it means eating SMARTER and giving our bodies the right nutrients so we can become well again, or give our bodies more fuel to fight against whatever illness or injury is taxing us. Whole foods, fresh fruits, veggies in great abundance, lots of good water, sunshine in healthy doses and fresh air and exercise- sounds so old-fashioned, but guess what?? The incidences of cancer, colic, mental illness/depression, and all types of syndromes, disorders, diseases, allergies and sicknesses were WAYYY lower a hundred years ago, before we were adding all of these fillers and additives and chemicals and recycled air to our daily diets. Do you ever wonder if "so many diseases were under diagnosed" really means "it just didn't exist yet" ??? Read up, buttercups, it's true. Our preservatives and flavor enhancers and artificial sweeteners are making even healthy people sick. So here's what I do to help me feel better everyday. Any of you who try these things, make sure you check with your doctor if you're taking any medications, because HERBS ARE POWERFUL and they can and will enhance, interfere with or otherwise affect the medications you are already taking. So don't take them without discussing it with your doctor first.
DIET: 1. DECREASE RED MEAT CONSUMPTION. I have cut red meat down to about once a week. (much to the chagrin of my carnivorous family) I've done lots of reading about red meat increasing inflammation by antagonizing or adding to our bodies' natural prostaglandins, which are hormones associated with muscle tone, irritability and women's cycles. (also men's but this is not sex ed lol)
2. Cooking with lots of OLIVE OIL. Omega-3's and 6's are very good for all of us anyway, but I've read that they can be helpful in decreasing chronic pain, I think mostly by encouraging more of the feel-good chemicals released in the brain when we feed it "brain-food" like Omegas. Omegas are also in fish oil, salmon and other big fish, and so eating more fish instead of red meat is a plus.
3. FLAX SEED OIL. Also has Omegas in it, and for some reason it is associated with lowering joint inflammation. There are great bread recipes with flax seeds in them, or you can add the oil to just about anything you cook, it doesn't have a strong flavor so it doesn't alter the flavor of the food. COLD-PRESSED oils are better than heated or chemically purified oils, because they retain the most of their natural nutrients and our bodies recognize NATURAL nutrients as opposed to CREATED or ARTIFICIAL- our bodies receive chemically processed and artificial ingredients and view them as "invaders" or possible threats to the body's health and thus the body activates the immune system. IE: MORE INFLAMMATION. Also if we are feeding our bodies processed and altered foods everyday, we are constantly wearing down our natural immunities and stressing our immune systems to the point of exhaustion. That's when syndromes, diseases and all kinds of illnesses kick in full-storm. Protect against that. Just eat better.
4. TURMERIC. It's a simple spice, found in lots of soups and seasonings, I add it to lots of stuff because it also helps encourage healing, is a strong reducer of inflammation and is good for circulation. I've read it can even be beneficial in preventing/protecting against cancers.
5. BLUEBERRIES! Tons of fresh fruits and veggies are good for you, but blueberries have so many vitamins and healthful properties, they supply some building blocks to basic cell rebuilding like capillary basement membranes, they support collagen production, they neutralize free radicals and they are just yummy.
6. VITAMIN D!!! People living in Wisconsin are almost always vitamin D-deficient. We don't have enough sunshine year-round to allow our bodies to make the proper amount of vitamin D, and you will not get it from tanning beds, you will only get wrinkles, skin discolorations, melanomas and other bad stuff from tanning beds so just take a supplement and stop pretending you are trying to get some much-needed sunshine. You are defeating the greater good of our sunshine with those fakey bakey bulbs. I take 1,000 IUs daily. Now, vitamins A and D are FAT-SOLUBLE which means they are stored in the tissues when our bodies can't use any more of what is available, so it IS possible to overdose on D. Talk to your doctor about an appropriate level for you. Vitamin D also aids the body in absorbing calcium and calcium is needed for bone health, muscle tone and building, and healing. Calcium is pushed by docs and media and yes it is necessary but it is not well-absorbed without vitamin D.
7. VITAMIN C. I take 500-1000mg daily. Vitamin C is WATER-SOLUBLE so once you've ingested (via food or supplement) all that your body needs, you will just excrete it in your pee (or, if you're sensitive to vitamin C, which some people are, you will become good friends with the bathroom as your body makes you acutely aware of your BT or Bowel Tolerance of vitamin C. So listen to your body. Use common sense and caution as well as a trusted doctor's advice.)
8. B VITAMINS!!! (Thiamine, Riboflavin, Niacin (which causes a warm flush in some people), B6, Folic Acid (good for healthy baby making too) and B12.) People who deal with chronic pain are also very very very very (did I say very?) often, chronically depressed. I don't like to take medications. I am very sensitive to them, I don't like to feel "doped up" or unnatural and so dealing with the frustration/sadness/depression/pain cycle is easiest to handle, for me, by taking a B-complex. Some people swear by St. John's Wort also, I have not tried this yet but am curious. Watch for it in another blog post. Or, if my posts suddenly become giddy and super cheery, then the St John's Wort worked. Yay me.
9. GARLIC. I can't say enough about the healing and illness-fighting properties of garlic, onion, leeks, everything I read about them is good. Antibacterial, antiviral properties, they aid in digestion (unless you're allergic or intolerant of them like some people) they are cholesterol lowering, and are good for lots of stuff. I don't have a spleen and so my immune system is overworked all the time as a mother of 5, I use garlic to help fight off colds and illnesses, and of course, vampires. ;)
10. ATTITUDE. of GRATITUDE. And LAUGHTER. It is so easy to be pissed off and hate our situations, our pain, our problems, but you know what? It does NOTHING. Except get us pissed off. Wasted energy. Energy we could have spent researching a tonic for pain, laughing hysterically with friends or family or at ourselves, over a funny movie or ridiculous situation, doing some deep-breathing and focusing on drawing positive energy to ourselves to encourage wellness...laughing burns calories, it increases the brain's production of feel-good chemicals which flood our bodies and decrease our perception of pain, and breaks the destructive cycle of "I can't, I hurt, I'm worthless, I'm perpetuating my own pain by feeling BAD." So just stop it. We have today. Everyone has a different today, but we all have it, so use it to your advantage. You have it. TODAY. Breathe deep, in and out, 10 times. Now do something else. Stop focusing on the bad, and go do some good, for you or someone else. Your body will thank you for it. ;)
I am a firm supporter of chiropractic care, don't call them quacks- because if you think about it, they care for the message center for our ENTIRE BODY. That is very important work. If our spinal cords are not healthy and functioning properly, how can the rest of our body work properly?? They CAN'T. Medical doctors would like us to think chiropractors are quacks, because diminishing the reputation of chiropractic and holistic care allows other medical professionals to keep pushing pills and writing scripts and making money off the perks from pharmaceutical companies. Stop feeding the moneymaker. Take your health care back into good hands and out of the medical model of treating SICKNESS. Promote your own wellness. Chiropractors promote wellness.
Check out Ayurvedic medicine and massage. Don't knock it til you try it. Invigorating massage, yoga, meditation, the best medicine EVER, and it's been around for thousands of years. Can't be all that bad.
Herbal remedies, whole foods, holistic medicine, Traditional Chinese Medicine, ALL things that are "poo-pooed" or diminished by the medical community, but the truth is that these are ALL things that promote health and wellness. Check into it, do some reading at your local library, you will be surprised at the untapped resources of sound health care practices you will find there. Herbal and holistic medicine is much more regulated, monitored and kept to standards of good measurement than the bad press of the past would have us think. There is a reason universities around the country and the world are teaching herbal and holistic medicine...IT WORKS!!
Much love and light to everyone, I hope anyone out there dealing with chronic pain can find some sort of helpful information from this blog...I can't have gone through all of this pain for nothing, so I have decided to try and use it to help other people avoid the frustrations that I've had along this journey.
I forgot to add, I have been reading a lot about Valerian Root recently, and I plan to talk to my doctor about it. I've read that it is very helpful in decreasing nerve pain, helping with sleep disorders (which are very common in people with chronic pain) and I'm curious to see if it's something that would help me. Stay tuned.
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
Instant Replay
Yesterday, as I returned from dropping PJ at school, I realized I had overestimated the amount of gas in my gastank...not a good move on a December day in Wisconsin. Hoping I could make it to the gas station closest to home so I could get home in time to kiss Lou before he was off to work and see Zakk for a few minutes before he was off to school, I stubbornly passed not one but two (2 blasted, gd godforsaken) gas stations on the way. And, no, I did not make it home. Sputtering at an intersection not more than 1/4 mile from the gas station I hoped to reach, I realized I was going to have to coast through my green light and park it, and grab a gas can or get ahold of my very kind and very resourceful Lou to come and rescue me. (dammit, I hate having to be rescued. Thanks, Corey, and thanks, Lou.)
The significance of my running out of gas is nil; the strange thing was what happened as I ran out of gas, and in the hours afterward. As I coasted through the intersection, my truck stalled completely...and as I look up from my frantic attempt to restart the truck one more time, I see a huge mack truck barreling down on me, horn blaring and no sign of slowing down. It helped my panic to see that the falling snow had made the roads slippery...and if I didn't get that truck to start up one more time, I was going to be toast. Broadsided because of my own rushed stubbornness. PLEASE GOD, just get me off the road and to safety, PLEASE BESS (my truck is Bess), just START! Bess heard the desperation in my voice, and she begrudgingly started!! I limped as fast as I could, willing my big old beast of an Expedition out of the way of that truck, and got to the shoulder of the road, feeling the wind of the passing truck shaking my vehicle as I coasted to safety...close call. WHEWWW!! SHIT! Damn my stupidity! I actually cheered out loud, alone in my silly out-of-gas Bess. And then I burst into tears. I shook like a leaf, I got the worst headache I'd had in a long time, my vision was going black. I couldn't breathe, my heart leapt into my throat and I couldn't slow my pulse down to normal...I kept swallowing hard and trying to remind myself "you are here, you are safe, this is just a minor thing. why are you so freaked out?" I calmed down enough to call Lou, in tears, and of course, he brought me gas and a hug, and I got home just fine. Thanks hun. :)
So, Lou got enough gas in the tank for me to get up the hill and fill up the truck. I went home and tried to shake off this creeping feeling of panic that kept threatening to swallow me up...what in the world was wrong with me?? It was just a close call, no one was hurt, a minor inconvenience in an otherwise typical day, so why did I feel like I was trying to avoid a full-on panic attack? It was over with, nothing bad had come of it. I kept dismissing the feelings, getting ready to drop Lou and Zakk at work and school since my gas escapade had caused them both to miss their ride, and I was short-tempered and irritable with myself and tried not to let my emotions spill over onto my family. I did pretty well, but while we were driving, the feeling of panic completely overwhelmed me again. I burst into tears, apologized to Zakk and Lou for being so emotional, but that I couldn't shake these awful feelings that began when that truck whizzed by me on the highway. After six years, I still have moments when I'm flooded with flashbacks and panic from that car accident. I haven't been very patient with myself; this entire time I have been scolding myself. "Get over it Lisa, there are people who have survived much worse than you." "Pull it together, girlfriend, there are more important things to focus on right now." "Think of the soldiers returning from battle, or civilians who live in war zones, inner cities, poverty, all forms of trauma and abuse. You have a great life. Shame on you for being such a baby." These are the things I hear, from the not-so-friendly voice in my head, the "me" that is generally as kind and forgiving and compassionate as I can be to everyone around me, but I can not extend that same kindness to myself. I have never afforded myself the proper time to heal, the time to focus on myself and have only wanted to focus outward to the family I love so much and live for. I guess I haven't been important enough to "me" to figure out what's been happening in this head of mine, because most of the time, I'm my happy, easygoing, always coming-out-on-top self. But truly, PTSD still rears its ugly head, and always when I least expect it.
After a good cry, and explaining to my love and my oldest son that I just needed to reset my panic button and I would be fine, I WAS fine. My breathing slowed, my heart fell down from my throat and resumed its proper place, and the feeling of fear slowly left me. Just acknowledging that I needed some time to focus on what had triggered the emotions, that made all the difference. I can't make those panic feelings disappear when they come up, and the harder I try to ignore them, the more insistent they become, until I just break down and cry.
I think many more people suffer from PTSD than any statistics show, and I think so many people would benefit from counseling, meditation, or a therapy called MDR that I practiced with a psychiatrist during the first two years after my accident. All three therapies have helped me so much, even when I was in complete denial that I had ANY symptoms of PTSD. Many situations can cause PTSD, whether it's a death in the family, an accident, physical/emotional abuse, witnessing a traumatic event, gore or violence, assault...all of these things threaten our sense of personal safety, refuge, and security. Our brilliant minds try very hard to protect us from these vivid and terrible memories, and sometimes the mind is successful at doing this for years, or so we think. But it crops up unexpected, ruins a special occasion, dampens the joy of family gatherings, or just plain makes some days miserable for no apparent reason.
With all of the horrible events that have taken place in the last few years, the tsunamis, earthquakes, floods, combat and war, terrorist attacks, fires, crashes, the list goes on and on--the number of people who may be suffering from PTSD easily number in the thousands. My hope is that someone reads this blog, someone who might suffer from PTSD and not know it, or knows and loves someone who suffers from it...and I hope they are encouraged to get help. We aren't alone! That sounds like such a cliche, I hate to even use it. But there is help out there. I encourage anyone who thinks they might have PTSD to research it on the net, consider the symptoms, and know that people love you and will help you learn to feel safe and loved again. Check out these websites: (DISCLAIMER: I am not affiliated with these websites, but have read through them myself and have found many wonderful resources and stories, as well as the peace that I've found through meditation. I list these only to try and help people to start their own research, and to help others begin to find their own paths to healing.
Love and Blessings of Health and Wellness to All!! I'm continuing on my journey to wellness, and loving every step of the way!
http://reclaimingourwoundedwarriors.org/id22.html
http://www.justanswer.com/sip/PTSD?r=ppc|ms|4|Health+-+Mental|PTSD&JPRC=1&JPKD=2561358159&JPDC=b&JPAD=801947716&JPKW=ptsd%20help&JPRQ=ptsd&JPAF=txt&JPCD=20110524
http://helphealingtrauma.com/
http://www.meditation-ptsd.com/
The significance of my running out of gas is nil; the strange thing was what happened as I ran out of gas, and in the hours afterward. As I coasted through the intersection, my truck stalled completely...and as I look up from my frantic attempt to restart the truck one more time, I see a huge mack truck barreling down on me, horn blaring and no sign of slowing down. It helped my panic to see that the falling snow had made the roads slippery...and if I didn't get that truck to start up one more time, I was going to be toast. Broadsided because of my own rushed stubbornness. PLEASE GOD, just get me off the road and to safety, PLEASE BESS (my truck is Bess), just START! Bess heard the desperation in my voice, and she begrudgingly started!! I limped as fast as I could, willing my big old beast of an Expedition out of the way of that truck, and got to the shoulder of the road, feeling the wind of the passing truck shaking my vehicle as I coasted to safety...close call. WHEWWW!! SHIT! Damn my stupidity! I actually cheered out loud, alone in my silly out-of-gas Bess. And then I burst into tears. I shook like a leaf, I got the worst headache I'd had in a long time, my vision was going black. I couldn't breathe, my heart leapt into my throat and I couldn't slow my pulse down to normal...I kept swallowing hard and trying to remind myself "you are here, you are safe, this is just a minor thing. why are you so freaked out?" I calmed down enough to call Lou, in tears, and of course, he brought me gas and a hug, and I got home just fine. Thanks hun. :)
So, Lou got enough gas in the tank for me to get up the hill and fill up the truck. I went home and tried to shake off this creeping feeling of panic that kept threatening to swallow me up...what in the world was wrong with me?? It was just a close call, no one was hurt, a minor inconvenience in an otherwise typical day, so why did I feel like I was trying to avoid a full-on panic attack? It was over with, nothing bad had come of it. I kept dismissing the feelings, getting ready to drop Lou and Zakk at work and school since my gas escapade had caused them both to miss their ride, and I was short-tempered and irritable with myself and tried not to let my emotions spill over onto my family. I did pretty well, but while we were driving, the feeling of panic completely overwhelmed me again. I burst into tears, apologized to Zakk and Lou for being so emotional, but that I couldn't shake these awful feelings that began when that truck whizzed by me on the highway. After six years, I still have moments when I'm flooded with flashbacks and panic from that car accident. I haven't been very patient with myself; this entire time I have been scolding myself. "Get over it Lisa, there are people who have survived much worse than you." "Pull it together, girlfriend, there are more important things to focus on right now." "Think of the soldiers returning from battle, or civilians who live in war zones, inner cities, poverty, all forms of trauma and abuse. You have a great life. Shame on you for being such a baby." These are the things I hear, from the not-so-friendly voice in my head, the "me" that is generally as kind and forgiving and compassionate as I can be to everyone around me, but I can not extend that same kindness to myself. I have never afforded myself the proper time to heal, the time to focus on myself and have only wanted to focus outward to the family I love so much and live for. I guess I haven't been important enough to "me" to figure out what's been happening in this head of mine, because most of the time, I'm my happy, easygoing, always coming-out-on-top self. But truly, PTSD still rears its ugly head, and always when I least expect it.
After a good cry, and explaining to my love and my oldest son that I just needed to reset my panic button and I would be fine, I WAS fine. My breathing slowed, my heart fell down from my throat and resumed its proper place, and the feeling of fear slowly left me. Just acknowledging that I needed some time to focus on what had triggered the emotions, that made all the difference. I can't make those panic feelings disappear when they come up, and the harder I try to ignore them, the more insistent they become, until I just break down and cry.
I think many more people suffer from PTSD than any statistics show, and I think so many people would benefit from counseling, meditation, or a therapy called MDR that I practiced with a psychiatrist during the first two years after my accident. All three therapies have helped me so much, even when I was in complete denial that I had ANY symptoms of PTSD. Many situations can cause PTSD, whether it's a death in the family, an accident, physical/emotional abuse, witnessing a traumatic event, gore or violence, assault...all of these things threaten our sense of personal safety, refuge, and security. Our brilliant minds try very hard to protect us from these vivid and terrible memories, and sometimes the mind is successful at doing this for years, or so we think. But it crops up unexpected, ruins a special occasion, dampens the joy of family gatherings, or just plain makes some days miserable for no apparent reason.
With all of the horrible events that have taken place in the last few years, the tsunamis, earthquakes, floods, combat and war, terrorist attacks, fires, crashes, the list goes on and on--the number of people who may be suffering from PTSD easily number in the thousands. My hope is that someone reads this blog, someone who might suffer from PTSD and not know it, or knows and loves someone who suffers from it...and I hope they are encouraged to get help. We aren't alone! That sounds like such a cliche, I hate to even use it. But there is help out there. I encourage anyone who thinks they might have PTSD to research it on the net, consider the symptoms, and know that people love you and will help you learn to feel safe and loved again. Check out these websites: (DISCLAIMER: I am not affiliated with these websites, but have read through them myself and have found many wonderful resources and stories, as well as the peace that I've found through meditation. I list these only to try and help people to start their own research, and to help others begin to find their own paths to healing.
Love and Blessings of Health and Wellness to All!! I'm continuing on my journey to wellness, and loving every step of the way!
http://reclaimingourwoundedwarriors.org/id22.html
http://www.justanswer.com/sip/PTSD?r=ppc|ms|4|Health+-+Mental|PTSD&JPRC=1&JPKD=2561358159&JPDC=b&JPAD=801947716&JPKW=ptsd%20help&JPRQ=ptsd&JPAF=txt&JPCD=20110524
http://helphealingtrauma.com/
http://www.meditation-ptsd.com/
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
I've decided that I'm ready to write my story. I need to group together my posts on here and knit them together with a sensible timeline, and reflect on how these experiences have helped me to grow and become the person I am. I need to share all of the medical interventions I've had, the hopes that I've lost, the frustrations and pains I've had in finding what works, or doesn't, to heal my physical and emotional pain. I am not pain free, yet. I have not found the best treatments, yet. I have found a huge, looming pile of treatments and therapies that DON'T work. And a smaller yet significant pile of treatments that have, and some that still are, working. I want to chronicle my journey to wellness here, because I hope dearly that something I write will be of help to someone else who suffers from physical pain, or PTSD, or just suffers. I wish peace and freedom from suffering for everyone. If I can help to lessen someone else's suffering through my story, then all of this pain will be worth it. I'm asking every reader of my blog to pass it forward to everyone they know, so that my story is heard, and that people everywhere can benefit from the treatments that are out there.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Who Better Than I, To Walk Among the Stars? Really...?
OK, so I've been absent from here long enough to do a little bit of reading and give myself a stern talking-to about being such a simpering wuss. What I really need to do is grab hold of my proverbial bootstraps and get the hell on with it already. I'm not going to cry and blubber on here about how much worse it is and how lucky I am and how this and this and that and that- honestly, give every human being a blog on here and read through all of the stories of everyday people living everyday lives and not CRYING ABOUT IT. There are worse things I could be- I could be cruel and manipulative. I could be legless and live in a 3rd world country where I am still expected to pull my own weight and earn a living in some shape or form, at which point I'd get a mirror and a set of low-rider wheels and begin a studio of Crotch Shots of the Rich and Famous. But no- I was born in America, where we glorify our ordinariness, we fight about how unique we are and how everyone should look at me, look at me, I'm an American hit by the "poor me" club right smack in the center of my auto glass-scarred head. Boo. Enough. I have had enough. The dust has settled. I'm digging in. I'm getting some shit done that should've been done a long time ago, and writing things that should've been written years ago-
So hold onto your ass cuz I am laying it ALL out there. And I'm not even going to apologize for it.
Thanks for loving me!!!
So hold onto your ass cuz I am laying it ALL out there. And I'm not even going to apologize for it.
Thanks for loving me!!!
Friday, March 25, 2011
And there's always more--this time it's personal, LOL
Today, I am optimistic. I don't feel any different, physically, but I have decided that if I can learn to live with pain, that I am just as likely to succeed as I used to be...the core of who I am has not changed a bit. I might have fallen down a few times, gotten quite a few bumps and bruises along the way, but my faith in myself has to remain.
Someone asked me, "If you hadn't had this car accident, do you think the marriage would've made it?" And the truth is, no. Beyond a doubt, the accident only hastened the inevitable. When I began nursing school, a few months before my accident, I promised myself that as soon as I finished college and got a good job, I would take the kids and leave the man who was so physically and emotionally abusive and unhealthy to the kids and I. I prayed for him, for many years...I hoped and prayed and begged he would go to counseling with me, I begged him to treat the kids with the love and respect he had always wanted from his own father...but after my accident, his drinking got worse, his attitude toward me was hateful and downright menacing at times...he barked orders at the kids, my boys, MY boys...he hit and belittled and treated them like slaves, making them do the housework that my broken body wouldn't do, screaming at them and calling them names or hitting them when they didn't do it to his specs...he became a monster. His true colors came through when our family was enduring the most difficult reality we could have imagined...and he added insult to injury. He buried himself in his Captain and Coke, his internet and his self-loathing, because he could no longer maintain the cheerful facade. I didn't know it until 2 years after we split, but he had dropped his facade around the kids way before that...when I was at work he mistreated them quite often, but they were too afraid to tell me. I have always believed that the greatest stresses in life will show a person's true personality...and after he realized how hard it was to replace me, for him to do all of the housework and child-rearing that I had done without support from him for 6 years before that accident, he came apart. I kept hoping he would recover and realize what he was doing to our marriage, to our sweet children...and he didn't care. He always blamed me. Always resented me. He used to scream at me, "How do you expect me to do all of this on my own?" How did he expect me to do it all on my own before that?? But I did it. I realize now that he is probably Bi-polar...that he has some sort of pathological or sociopathic wrong-thinking that allows him to mistreat everyone around him, and use them up until they're no good anymore, then he shuns them and somehow makes his abhorrent behavior THEIR fault. Anyone who is in his life, is there because they can do something for him. He cares for no one but himself, no matter what or who is involved, it comes down to how it makes HIM look and what benefit HE gains...and I could never be sure if he was a true narcissist, or if the narcissism was a cover for the fact that he truly despises himself. I still don't know for sure...all I know is, I am SO much happier, so much more free, without his overbearing and emotionally scarring shadow darkening everything in our home. I was not allowed the luxury of emotions, I couldn't show fear or sadness, or least of all anger, because then he blew out of control until we were all locked in our rooms, waiting for him to calm down. The kids are happier, they are healthy and loving, open with their emotions and learning to protect themselves from their dad's sickness. But they are all afraid of him. The most disturbing thing is this: His behavior mimics that of his own father at the same age. His oldest son's behavior mimics his own behavior at 20, His 2nd son's behavior mimics his own behavior, and our son's behavior often mimics their dad's behavior as well. This is definitely a hereditary thing, running very strong in the males...I cannot explain it, but I am trying to break through it with my son, in the most loving way possible, but it is so hard. Nearly all of his anger and hatred is focused toward me, and his 2 younger sisters. He refuses to admit when he's wrong, he refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, he is rude and disruptive, insulting and unrelenting when he is upset, and gets upset about the smallest little details, things that most people would just write off as a minor inconvenience...it turns into a 2-hour cool-down peppered by interventions to keep him from kicking holes in the walls or using highly inappropriate language. What do you call that?? Is there a name for that type of ill? Obstinate defiant disorder? Not quite. . Antisocial? Sometimes. So we go to counseling. My son says that dad stopped hitting him when he found out we were going to counseling. Now he's afraid of what the kids will say--and he should be! They've said plenty! He is a very lucky man, that I unfortunately had a very sexist and male-prejudiced lawyer, or there's no way the judge would have allowed this awful man to have as much visitation as he does. It's not even been close to a year yet, and he's already skating on thin ice. He gets complacent and lazy when he thinks he's won...but the truth is, that complacency is causing him to lose his precarious grip on our precious kids...they have long outgrown him, emotionally...and they are no longer victims of his abuse. They are still hopeful that one day he will just love them for who they are and not because they're forced to behave in a way that's acceptable to him. I will not allow him to hurt them, anymore. I was too weak to know how to protect them before; but now I will do everything in my power to prevent these kids from suffering the same crushing emotional and physical pain that their father put upon their older brothers. Those boys still bear the emotional scars that their dad put on them, and I am still working hard to help them shed that old skin. They are better than that, they deserved better then and they KNOW they do now. But if so much as a hair on my children's head is touched, the wrath and justice will be swift, this time. Prayers and love didn't save us then, but our strength and determination will now, and always. Don't mess with this mama bear, she got some TEEF!
Someone asked me, "If you hadn't had this car accident, do you think the marriage would've made it?" And the truth is, no. Beyond a doubt, the accident only hastened the inevitable. When I began nursing school, a few months before my accident, I promised myself that as soon as I finished college and got a good job, I would take the kids and leave the man who was so physically and emotionally abusive and unhealthy to the kids and I. I prayed for him, for many years...I hoped and prayed and begged he would go to counseling with me, I begged him to treat the kids with the love and respect he had always wanted from his own father...but after my accident, his drinking got worse, his attitude toward me was hateful and downright menacing at times...he barked orders at the kids, my boys, MY boys...he hit and belittled and treated them like slaves, making them do the housework that my broken body wouldn't do, screaming at them and calling them names or hitting them when they didn't do it to his specs...he became a monster. His true colors came through when our family was enduring the most difficult reality we could have imagined...and he added insult to injury. He buried himself in his Captain and Coke, his internet and his self-loathing, because he could no longer maintain the cheerful facade. I didn't know it until 2 years after we split, but he had dropped his facade around the kids way before that...when I was at work he mistreated them quite often, but they were too afraid to tell me. I have always believed that the greatest stresses in life will show a person's true personality...and after he realized how hard it was to replace me, for him to do all of the housework and child-rearing that I had done without support from him for 6 years before that accident, he came apart. I kept hoping he would recover and realize what he was doing to our marriage, to our sweet children...and he didn't care. He always blamed me. Always resented me. He used to scream at me, "How do you expect me to do all of this on my own?" How did he expect me to do it all on my own before that?? But I did it. I realize now that he is probably Bi-polar...that he has some sort of pathological or sociopathic wrong-thinking that allows him to mistreat everyone around him, and use them up until they're no good anymore, then he shuns them and somehow makes his abhorrent behavior THEIR fault. Anyone who is in his life, is there because they can do something for him. He cares for no one but himself, no matter what or who is involved, it comes down to how it makes HIM look and what benefit HE gains...and I could never be sure if he was a true narcissist, or if the narcissism was a cover for the fact that he truly despises himself. I still don't know for sure...all I know is, I am SO much happier, so much more free, without his overbearing and emotionally scarring shadow darkening everything in our home. I was not allowed the luxury of emotions, I couldn't show fear or sadness, or least of all anger, because then he blew out of control until we were all locked in our rooms, waiting for him to calm down. The kids are happier, they are healthy and loving, open with their emotions and learning to protect themselves from their dad's sickness. But they are all afraid of him. The most disturbing thing is this: His behavior mimics that of his own father at the same age. His oldest son's behavior mimics his own behavior at 20, His 2nd son's behavior mimics his own behavior, and our son's behavior often mimics their dad's behavior as well. This is definitely a hereditary thing, running very strong in the males...I cannot explain it, but I am trying to break through it with my son, in the most loving way possible, but it is so hard. Nearly all of his anger and hatred is focused toward me, and his 2 younger sisters. He refuses to admit when he's wrong, he refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, he is rude and disruptive, insulting and unrelenting when he is upset, and gets upset about the smallest little details, things that most people would just write off as a minor inconvenience...it turns into a 2-hour cool-down peppered by interventions to keep him from kicking holes in the walls or using highly inappropriate language. What do you call that?? Is there a name for that type of ill? Obstinate defiant disorder? Not quite. . Antisocial? Sometimes. So we go to counseling. My son says that dad stopped hitting him when he found out we were going to counseling. Now he's afraid of what the kids will say--and he should be! They've said plenty! He is a very lucky man, that I unfortunately had a very sexist and male-prejudiced lawyer, or there's no way the judge would have allowed this awful man to have as much visitation as he does. It's not even been close to a year yet, and he's already skating on thin ice. He gets complacent and lazy when he thinks he's won...but the truth is, that complacency is causing him to lose his precarious grip on our precious kids...they have long outgrown him, emotionally...and they are no longer victims of his abuse. They are still hopeful that one day he will just love them for who they are and not because they're forced to behave in a way that's acceptable to him. I will not allow him to hurt them, anymore. I was too weak to know how to protect them before; but now I will do everything in my power to prevent these kids from suffering the same crushing emotional and physical pain that their father put upon their older brothers. Those boys still bear the emotional scars that their dad put on them, and I am still working hard to help them shed that old skin. They are better than that, they deserved better then and they KNOW they do now. But if so much as a hair on my children's head is touched, the wrath and justice will be swift, this time. Prayers and love didn't save us then, but our strength and determination will now, and always. Don't mess with this mama bear, she got some TEEF!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Take the good with the bad
Yesterday, I was so angry and feeling sorry for myself. Today, although the pain in my back is even worse, my mood is much better. I don't feel completely down on myself, I'm not questioning God or anyone else. It does no good to ask "why?" All I can do, on any given day, is the best I can do. On ANY day, I am an excellent mother. I lead this family better today than I ever did while I was married. Being married only meant I had to do and act in ways acceptable to the husband...turns out, his ways were, and still are, harmful and toxic. I feel strong in the knowledge that because of me, these kids have a good chance of growing up to be appreciative, confident and healthy adults. That is my main goal for them. They will always know, no matter how bad the pain is or how long the day, I love them with every bit of my heart.
I did reiki today, and meditated. I find I can get completely lost in the calm of meditation. It is so helpful to be able to escape, if only for 15-20 minutes a day, at least it brings some relief. I know there must be some very meaningful lessons I can get from this life; even if it's hard for me to always see that, I know the knowledge is there.
I did reiki today, and meditated. I find I can get completely lost in the calm of meditation. It is so helpful to be able to escape, if only for 15-20 minutes a day, at least it brings some relief. I know there must be some very meaningful lessons I can get from this life; even if it's hard for me to always see that, I know the knowledge is there.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Some 5+ Years Later
I think that the journey I've taken over the last 5 years has taken my faith. Before I had this accident and multiple surgeries, I had such unshakable faith in God. Now, I question my own meaning every day...I ask where this god is, the one who's supposed to replenish my faith, my strength, my grace when I am weak and struggling. I cry out for help or guidance, or a sign, and where I used to see them almost daily; now I see none. I feel that my once-endless, overflowing cup of hope and joy has dwindled and nearly dried up. I used to pray and receive strength; now I sit, stone-faced, in daily pain. I am thankful for my life. I am not thankful for the life of pain from which I can find no relief. I've tried everything under the sun...doctors, pain clinics, physical therapy, water therapy, chiropractors, reiki energy healing, yoga, meditation, healing of hands, prayer, love, crying it out, raging against this damaged body and finding no answers or relief. I am left trying to forgive this body that won't work the way I need it to, a mind clouded sometimes with pain so intense I cry out involuntarily. I miss my work. I miss my life meaning. I miss feeling the security of faith...knowledge of a kind and loving God, whose Grace will take my pain and fill my heart with hope. I do not believe we suffer necessarily for some reward in the hereafter; that is a load of shit. I'm beginning to wonder what I might have done in a past life that has caused so much painful karma in this one.
The only reason I get up in the morning is my love for my children. I live only to make them smile, to teach them to live healthily in this life and to always be kind and full of goodness and love. Maybe, amongst all the other things I've learned from my children, they will also teach me how to become my vibrant and exuberant self again. I have run out of options; I feel my well of hope has run dry. This body is useless to me. It looks fine to everyone else, but the pain I feel shooting down my back, neck and arms each day is enough to devour the smile on my face on a good day. How many surgeries? 8 so far. I will not go under the knife again. I feel that one of the only options I haven't tried yet would be acupuncture or going on a healing pilgrimage to Crete, where I've heard the magic of the island will cure me. Hmm...except for the fact that all of these "cures" cost MONEY...something a disabled person raising 5 children has very little of.
What kind of work can a woman like me do anymore? I'm exhausted after taking a shower some days. I sleep most of the day because in sleep, I feel less pain. I've tried to meditate and rise above the pain I feel, to become accepting of it, to live with it instead of fight it and rage against it...I need the ocean, I need fresh air and sunshine, I need to feel that somewhere there is an ending to my pain. I become more and more angry as my children grow and I realize the things I haven't been able to teach them because of my physical restraints. Canoeing. Ice skating. Skiing. Just throwing a damn ball out in the backyard, teaching my son baseball or football or anything...movement. I miss moving normally, relaxing normally...breathing normally.
The doctor keeps talking about the research being done to help injured Iraq War Veterans, and that research will likely be able to help me, as my crash was comparable to something that would be endured in war. Well figure it out already! I have lived with this pain long enough! And I'm sure that horrible day, the day I remember every single morning as I haul myself out of bed...that day is likely a distant memory to the drunk driver who has succeeded in ending my life as I knew it.
The only reason I get up in the morning is my love for my children. I live only to make them smile, to teach them to live healthily in this life and to always be kind and full of goodness and love. Maybe, amongst all the other things I've learned from my children, they will also teach me how to become my vibrant and exuberant self again. I have run out of options; I feel my well of hope has run dry. This body is useless to me. It looks fine to everyone else, but the pain I feel shooting down my back, neck and arms each day is enough to devour the smile on my face on a good day. How many surgeries? 8 so far. I will not go under the knife again. I feel that one of the only options I haven't tried yet would be acupuncture or going on a healing pilgrimage to Crete, where I've heard the magic of the island will cure me. Hmm...except for the fact that all of these "cures" cost MONEY...something a disabled person raising 5 children has very little of.
What kind of work can a woman like me do anymore? I'm exhausted after taking a shower some days. I sleep most of the day because in sleep, I feel less pain. I've tried to meditate and rise above the pain I feel, to become accepting of it, to live with it instead of fight it and rage against it...I need the ocean, I need fresh air and sunshine, I need to feel that somewhere there is an ending to my pain. I become more and more angry as my children grow and I realize the things I haven't been able to teach them because of my physical restraints. Canoeing. Ice skating. Skiing. Just throwing a damn ball out in the backyard, teaching my son baseball or football or anything...movement. I miss moving normally, relaxing normally...breathing normally.
The doctor keeps talking about the research being done to help injured Iraq War Veterans, and that research will likely be able to help me, as my crash was comparable to something that would be endured in war. Well figure it out already! I have lived with this pain long enough! And I'm sure that horrible day, the day I remember every single morning as I haul myself out of bed...that day is likely a distant memory to the drunk driver who has succeeded in ending my life as I knew it.
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