Not back to work yet

Well, yet another doc visit with news I don't really want...they're thinking I've developed fibromyalgia because of the chronic and intense pain my body's been through over the last year and a half. What does that mean? That means I wake up each day with aches, drag my butt to my computer, take a handful of pills and wait an hour for them to kick in...then I become my chipper, normal, able-to-walk-without-groaning self. I am taking a medication that makes me sleep HARD because I was waking up every hour or two with pain...now, I don't wake up unless someone ROLLS my butt out of bed! The negative there is that if one of the kids wakes up with a nightmare or gets sick, I don't hear them...and when Carl's out of town for work, I can't take my medication because I can't risk not waking up to my kids if they need me. So, I go a week with little sleep, which means a lot more pain, and my kids just hug me because I get crabby.
This whole not being able to work thing is really wearing on me...I miss my job, I miss helping people who are less fortunate than myself, I miss my friends. (I know, stop whining) but some people would love the chance to be home all the time...I am not that person. I need to work, to feel I have a purpose and that I'm contributing to our large family. I am missing that. I love to be home with my family, but I must admit that I enjoy picking them up at daycare after a hard day's work just as much, and they are so much happier to see me then! I think they're tired of mom being around.
Kianna said to me the other day, with a beautiful beaming smile on her face, "Mama, remember when we went to the park, before your leg hurt so bad, and you pushed me higher and higher on the swings, and we rolled down the grass hill and chased frogs in the creek? That was my favorite day, I miss when you were like that." Me too baby, me too. Makes you wanna go out and club a drunk driver. But on and on we go, because it's not a choice, it's a necessity. The beautiful thing is, I don't know many people who are as blessed as we are, who have such a large, loving family, happy marriage, good friends. I have more to be thankful for than I have to complain about...most days. ;o)

Thoughts

Reaching for your hand, I feel the emptiness between our fingertips, I miss your hugs, I miss your bright blue eyes searching mine to be sure I was who I was...
I miss your laughs, the way my kids gravitated to you, looked up to you, looked to you for guidance and unconditional love...
The pain left by your absence cannot be filled by anyone, by anything, no matter what you may have thought. Now you know how very much you were, and continue to be loved.
The love we have for the new lives you left behind is unsurpassed by the love we had planted, nurtured, and grown for you. You can't be replaced, you can't be renamed, you are part of the sky, part of the sea, the earth, part of our hearts and we love you forever.
Connections and thoughts flow through my mind like a vapor, swirling in a neverending pattern of flight, I reach for you...sometimes, I feel you reaching back. Sometimes, I feel more alone than ever.

How Do I Go So Long Without Posting??

I was told recently that I need to write every time I get the urge, that my words will help many people, and that I should even consider writing a book. Someday, when I'm old and bored? LOL
The drunk driver that caused my accident is in jail. He's been in for about a month now, and has 17 more to serve. I don't know if he's able to get out on Huber, I haven't checked into it lately, but I wave hello everytime I drive past the jail. LMAO The best thing about him finally being sentenced was that I got to describe to him all the ways that mine and my family's lives were compromised because of this accident, and I reduced him to tears. Made me feel like he finally had an idea of the hell we had been through, and continue to pull ourselves out of.

I had a total hip replacement 3 months ago now. I'm doing pretty good...have to take it easy as the old screw holes in my femur from the first surgery are up against the metal rod that they inserted into my leg to get the new hip joint in there...so, I'd rather we didn't have to do more surgery because I was stubborn again this time and didn't listen to the doctor. So all summer, the kids and I have been at the beach or pool, and I lay around while they swim and play...could be worse. I'm trying to wean myself off the cane, and just when I think I'm doing better, I realize I overdid it and then I'm limping or doped up for a few days. Well, hell. I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I can still tell you when it's going to storm...every broken bone in my body aches to the point of tears.
Speaking of tears...my beautiful brother has been gone for 7 months now. Seven months today, actually...I never posted about it, it hurt too much to write about but I'd better write now. He was found by his wife, 6 months pregnant with his twin girls, when she got home from work. My sweet brother, 27 years old and the best daddy ever, had to leave us for a better world. Even though I know he's in a better place than us, he's the lucky one, my heart bleeds for him everyday...his beautiful twin girls were born 3 months TO THE DAY after he died, healthy and perfect, looking exactly like their daddy and mama both. Life is so cruel...life was too cruel for my brother to bear, it always was...and now he doesn't have the pain of living in this evil place anymore, and he can help all of the people he couldn't help when he was in physical form, and he is free of the hopelessness and heartache he couldn't shake when he was here. Even as my little brother, he taught me so much about living life to the fullest, not taking a single moment for granted, and in his death he has taught us all how precious our short time here has to be, and that we need to give and give as much as we can, because we never know how many days we have. I thought my accident had taught me that, but losing my brother socked it into my guts like a wrecking ball. I thought that surviving that accident was the most miraculous and yet, most disastrous thing our family could have endured...but losing my brother makes it pale by comparison. He has so many things to teach us from the spiritual world, I feel I'm only beginning to understand...and everyday for so many of us, my mother and dad, sister and sister-in-law...and his 4-year-old son...his twin girls that have been cheated of the greatest daddy...but I know he knew them before they were ever born, that their souls held each other as he passed from this world to the next, because they were soon passing from that world into this one. So often, I feel his hand on my shoulder, his face pressed next to mine as he always hugged me, I smell his cologne that I'll never know the name of but it was always my brother...my little-big brother, towering over me at 6ft 3in, handsome and full of life and joy...he hated to leave us but knew he had to go...we will miss him every single day that we have to be here without him. He never would have made the choice to leave his family, he would hate the idea of his kids growing up without their daddy, and his wife raising them alone...but that's the reality we're left with. Our family has learned that we are stronger than we ever thought we could be, we take turns holding each other up and loving one another, trying to make up for the love we lost in our Brian. Not fair, nothing about this world is fair...and it may sound morbid, but I actually welcome the day I don't have to live here anymore. I would never take my own life, I wouldn't do that to my family, but I can tell you this--we live in Hell on Earth. I can't wait to leave it.

Reflecting on this year...

Today I realized that there are so many others in the world that deserve to whine about their condition so much more than I do. I need to remember that I am very lucky to be alive, and I have use of ALL my limbs, (although limited in that damn leg) and that my mind is not affected...at least, not as much as it should have been considering how hard I hit my melon. LOL I still have numbness in the left side of my face, and even the tip of my tongue is numb...must have damaged my hypoglossal nerve, or the eighth cranial nerve...? I think that's how I remember it from A & P...
So anyway, Christmas was bittersweet again this year, as I was sad for being unable to take the kids sledding or ice skating for yet another snowy season (but we still don't have snow that sticks long enough to sled in for more than 4 hours, so weird for Wisconsin), and I'm still reminded by the scars on my face and body, and the pain in my hands, leg and back that I hope will someday stop making me think of how much my body has been through. But, the sweet part of Christmas is even more sweet than it ever was, because I have a greater appreciation for all of the things I took for granted before--having family together, and everyone healthy. Watching my kids open their presents, and remembering how close I was to not being here to do that with them last year. And I am doing so much better than I was a year ago...my spirit has healed tremendously, and my body has healed too. I still have shadows of pain in my hands and my left shoulder, and the hip hurts constantly due to the new fractures there thanks to avascular necrosis. That just sounds nasty, doesn't it? But overall I am doing so well...and I know I just need to give it more time and I'll feel better and better.
I am so thankful for the stronger, better person I have become, and the determination I thought I probably had but never had to use in such circumstances...and I have changed in so many ways. I have total faith in myself, and my faith in others has grown as well. I know I can overcome anything this life has to offer, and I know that I have a huge support system to help me if ever I need it again.
I graduated with scholastic honors from the practical nursing program, and was chosen as Outstanding Practical Nursing Student of 2006...only 1 semester later than I had planned, so the accident really didn't set me back that far academically. Now, I study for boards and I'm taking 2 RN prep classes starting Jan 15, and hopefully I'll be able to land a part-time LPN job by spring so I can make some money while I'm finishing my degree...but who am I kidding?? I won't really be finished until I have my master's, and also certified in midwifery, but I am waiting until my kids are older to tackle those hurdles...they deserve to have their mommy around more while they need me most, and my career is not important enough to me to sacrifice these important years with my babies...one of whom is taller than me at 13 years old!! Who said they could grow up so fast??
So we're looking forward to a new year, a better year, a year in which we are finally able to have some relief financially because I just have a feeling things are going to work out that way...my dream job is waiting, I just have to keep my eyes peeled. And the kids are all so amazing, they are so resilient and beautiful, and I adore them. Carl and I are so lucky to have the privilege of watching our babies grow up, for the privilege of teaching them, and helping to shape them into the amazing little people that they are.
Thank you, Lord, for having faith in me to raise so many babies and to do well by my children, and blessing us all with your love, strength and courage to do our best in your name, always. Thanks for our wonderful friends and family, whom we feel so blessed to have in our lives, and we are always looking for opportunities to be able to return the grace that has been shown to us in our time of need. :)))))) I'm full of holiday spirit and warm fuzzies today...

Too long, again!

I meant to get in here after each court hearing and update everyone, and I just haven't found time for much of anything with all that's going on around here.

Here's the latest--the driver of the other vehicle is trying hard to weasel his way out of the felony charges, and until today, I thought if he could cough up enough cash, I might think about it. But today, I had an appointment with my surgeon after having a month and a half of pain and misery, and I have bad news.

I have developed avascular necrosis, which basically means that part of my damaged hip joint has died. It's not a huge portion, and it's pretty common after the injury and surgery I had to my hip, but it means I am back to a cane, I'm on pain meds and have 2 new fractures in my hip due to the dead, brittle bone in there now. So now, we wait and see, and within a year we'll know whether or not it heals on its own, or if I need a total hip replacement, which doesn't make me happy at all. The prognosis for my nursing career at this point is not good...so, since I have been served my sentence, I feel it's only fair that the fella who caused this be served his fair sentence as well...and I'm thinking 6 months to a year in prison is a light term compared to what I have to deal with for probably the rest of my life.

Ok, so now I'm finally mad. Now, my beloved career and my livelihood are in jeopardy because of a drunk driver. I am nailing his balls to the wall and not letting up until I feel his sentence is just.

What today?

Today, I go to court, maybe to give a "victim impact statement" about my feelings regarding the accident. I have thought so many times about what I would say when the time came, about all of the things that I want this man to understand...and I think what I'm most afraid of, is that he still won't get it. I'm afraid he still won't be able to see how horrible this has been for my family and I, and that he will be angry or display in some way his disdain for me because I am the one who is sentencing him...just thinking like an alcoholic does, and I am sure his anger for me is great, and that he blames this on me and not himself. I hope I'm wrong...I hope he has some sense of responsibility and remorse for what has happened...but I'm not holding my breath.

Maybe what I should do is type out what I want to say to this guy...maybe that would help me gather my thoughts and make sense of all the things I need him to become aware of.



I sit here today a healed woman, a stronger woman than I ever thought I would be, or NEED to be. I've recovered amazingly against nearly impossible odds, surprising my doctors, family, and everyone who knows me. You are probably sitting here thinking that I don't show any signs of the injuries I've recovered from...but I see it. I see my many scars, I feel it every day, as my hip and left leg don't move the way I want them to. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even now, 10 months later. My hands throb every day, my head is still numb, the left side of my face doesn't always move the way it should, and my eye, lips and chin bear scars that will not go away without more surgery that I'm not so eager to have...pain is something I've become too familiar with in the last 10 months, and voluntarily going through more pain is not high on my list. I am scatterbrained...the doctors say this is normal and should be resolved within a year, maybe 2 years of the accident...I'm forgetful and easily irritated or frustrated at times. I feel like an old woman now, like this has aged me more than day to day life ever would.
My family has suffered incredibly because of this accident. while I was in the hospital, my husband, mother and father would not leave my side for the first week. My brother and sister, my brother-in-law and his wife took turns caring for our kids while I was in and out of surgery, in and out of consciousness, in casts and on a ventilator. My children couldn't see me for nearly a week, my husband was afraid that it would be too scary to them, with all of the tubes and bandages and my swollen face. My babies had to go to bed each night without their mama tucking them in...something that's unheard of in my house. For nearly a month, my kids were tucked in by someone else, whether it was aunties or uncles, or grandma...but it wasn't me. Even after I returned home, thin as a rail and both arms in splints, in a wheelchair, I couldn't have my kids sit in my lap. I couldn't turn the pages of a book we would read, I couldn't bathe them or climb the stairs to tuck them in...I couldn't even bathe myself. I couldn't cook for my family, or clean our big house or do our laundry...thank God for my wonderful family and friends who visited and helped us with all of that.
I couldn't eat for almost a month, but received nourishment from an IV in my arm. My weight dropped to 121 pounds which, on a 5'10" frame, is not healthy.
When I think back to how difficult everything was, each day a struggle and each task seeming endless...I am not sure what kept my spirits so high. I didn't complain much, I just did what I could and pushed and pushed until the things I couldn't do started to come easily again. Brushing my teeth. Feeding myself. Showering alone. Dressing alone. Walking. I didn't walk for 2 months, and for 2 months after that it was with a walker. Doing laundry. Cooking a meal by myself. Opening a bottle or jar without help. I still can't ride a bike, or run like I used to. I couldn't drive for 4 months, and even then it was difficult to handle, emotionally. I missed 4 months of work, and had to take a semester off of nursing school to recover. I should have graduated in May, but now I won't be finished until this December. I can't wrestle with my boys like I did a year ago, or play ball every day in the yard with my kids. But I'm getting there...I hope I keep on getting better as I have been, I won't accept that I may not be 100% again, I'm just not ready to believe that.
My marriage has suffered terribly. We have a very strong commitment to each other and our children, but this accident and all of the circumstances surrounding it have tested our marriage to its absolute limit. It makes me sad to think that something totally out of my control has had such a negative affect on the most important things in my life. I have been taking anti-anxiety medication since April to help me handle the anxiety attacks I have while driving. My husband is taking antidepressants to help him cope with all of the horrible things he's dealt with, especially the awful time when, thank God, I was unconscious and don't remember.
I don't say all of these things to place blame, or to make anyone feel horrible over this accident. I just need to convey a tiny bit of what has been our lives over the last 10 months. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to understand everything we've been through, that is impossible. But I fully expect that Luke Fox will think about everything that his actions have meant to me, how his decision that day affected ME, my family, and our lives, and we'll never be the same again. I have already served my sentence because of his actions, and will probably do so for the rest of my life. In my future, my broken bones will most likely be pained with arthritis, my ruptured spleen leaves me vulnerable to infection and serious illness, and my family and I will never forget how fragile life is, or how uncertain. Children should never have to wonder if their mama is coming home, if she'll be ok again, and my kids were forced to deal with all of this--not because of my decision, but the decision of someone else. I wasn't given a choice. I just wanted to go to work that day. So I hope that I'm not the only driver who was forever changed by this accident, but that Luke Fox has learned a huge lesson as well, and that he will never again make the decision he made that morning. That is my greatest fear, that he is allowed to do this, or worse, to someone else.

New Truck!

I bought a new truck last Thursday. Paid cash for it. I never thought I'd be able to do that in my life, and it felt good. It's a small reward for going through such an awful ordeal, but I knew that if I got nothing else out of this accident I wanted to get a bigger, safer vehicle to carry my babies in and I did. This truck would eat a Chevy Silverado for lunch, and I love it!! It's a Ford Expedition, silver with big ole tires and 8 roomy seats for all of my babies to ride in style. And guess where we're taking it this weekend? Mall of America baby, where we will let the kids spend some money foolishly because we can. Bills are paid, debt is down, and we are finally feeling like we will be ok.

Thank God.