The First Almost Completely Normal Day!

Today, I got myself and three kids ready for school and took them to daycare, by myself. Today, I sat in a classroom with my peers for an entire day, and LEARNED. I carried my backpack, full of books, to and from my classes, by myself. I talked and laughed with my classmates, I asked questions of my teachers, and ate up everything they could teach me...

I picked up my kids after my classes, on my own. I put gas in my van, I came home to my husband making supper and had a great meal where we all talked, joked and laughed, as a family. Thank GOD. Thank God that I am well. Thank God I'm here. Thank you God, for my amazing family, and my awesome life. You gave it back to me, and You made it even better than it was before.

This day was the closest thing to normal I have had since before the accident. My hope is renewed again!!!

I'm Really Me Again

I can't believe that I am finally feeling hopeful that I'll regain all of my strength and good health again. For months now, I've refused to even give a voice to my fears that I wouldn't be the same, I wouldn't be able to walk the same, move the same, look the same...and I finally feel that I am almost back to normal. I had a few very dark weeks recently...I felt like I was slipping, like I was losing my resolve, my hope, and all I could do was pray...and suddenly, the cloud is lifted. I got up one morning, I felt GOOD...I didn't hurt a lot, I didn't feel sad,I appreciated the day for just the fact that it was a day...MY day...every day is my day, and I choose what to do with it. I choose to go on. I choose to get better, I choose to let go of the anger, and to forgive, and to take so many lessons from this accident that I find myself grateful for all of the insight and experiences that this hurt and trouble has brought us...and I find myself in full appreciation of what I have, of who I am, and the person that this trial has shaped me into.

Now, I still have days like today, where I pushed myself beyond my limits and I am hurting for it, but I am not frustrated, I don't feel so entirely restricted and held back, and as though I wouldn't get the pieces of my life back that were scattered. I feel like I can go on...like I WILL go on, like my life will be even richer in some ways, because of the experiences this accident have brought us.

Doctors

Saw my regular doc yesterday, and he gave me a referral for evaluation, a "fitness for duty" eval. He said, "don't be surprised or disappointed if they say you need more time...you are healing fast, but you may need more time yet before you're ready for everything again." I know that...I think I will be ok if they do tell me I can't work yet...sad, but ok. I just want to be better...and I know that will take time, that's all there is to it.
I stepped on the scale, thinking I MUST be back at a normal weight, I feel good and my clothes fit better. Wellll, I had to get some new clothes because my old ones fell off my bones. sooooo, drumroll please...132 pounds!! I was 124 in December, so I'm getting there. I weighed somewhere under 145 before the accident...I had just lost a few pounds but not sure exactly how much...so it's good to know the numbers are going up again. I feel good at this weight. I want more muscle, but I'll get that back with time and healing, as I regain strength. Thankfully, the yoga I used to do each week has helped me keep a lot of my tone, and I am doing gentle stretches to regain my core muscle strength, and to decrease stress...gotta love yoga. <<>>
I talked to the doc about my short-term memory problem...sometimes, I will totally forget something that someone told me, or an appointment, or a phone message...annoys the hell outta me. He said it was perfectly normal, he's not surprised, but he's also not worried. He said to keep an eye on it, be aware of whether or not it gets better, but not to worry about it. Most likely, it will resolve with time. If it doesn't get better, I'll have a whole battery of memory and cognitive functioning tests to go through...I went through it once before, they did it before they'd discharge me from Luther, and I passed with flying colors...the funny thing is, I felt like I was sharper then...I had less to concentrate on, I could think about healing and pain only, I didn't have room yet for all of the other things...now, I'm home and life is full, kids and appointments and school and EVERYTHING...that I just forget things.
One thing I've noticed since the accident is I am SO much more patient with the kids, and people in general...not that I was short with the kids, but I was so stressed that I would lose my patience more quickly.
Natalia is finally mama's girl again. It's taken her and I four months to regain our closeness...and it's still not the same, and I still get sad sometimes because I had to stop nursing her so soon, but I'm glad now that she's my girl again. It absolutely broke my heart when she would hold her little arms up to Carl instead of me...or when she would shy away from me completely...totally broke my heart. She was always my girl... Now, I have to be the one to put her to bed every night, or she cries. I have to feed her, or she cries. I have to cuddle her every minute, or she's vying for my attention. I love it. My baby is mine again...and I hope she never remembers that she lost her mama for a month, I can't imagine how a baby must feel when mom is her whole world, and suddenly she's gone. Damn that makes me mad. At least the other kids were old enough to understand where I was and why, and that I would be coming home again. Ok I can't talk about it anymore I'm getting mad again. LOL

My fitness for duty eval is next Friday...I am looking forward to it. I'm curious to see what kinds of tests they'll have me do, and what they will tell me. I hope it's good news...