Today, you would have turned 34. Your son says he's going to crack you a home run in his baseball game today, just for you. I know you'll see it. I know you;re with him at every at-bat, every pitch. Tonight, we will write messages on balloons and send them to the angels, hoping they get to you. My heart is so full today, of love, of your smile, of a few tears, as I think of The Big Picture. I sense how proud of us you are, for going on living, for finding joy in the most unexpected and amazing ways. I am so thankful and in awe of the signs you continue to send us. The kids found 4 more four-leaf clovers this last week. We have found dozens now, always when we need guidance, or on someone's birthday or milestone, you send us more luck, more love, more evidence that you're not so far away after all.
I can see now how so many tiny pieces of this puzzle have all fit together to bring us to where we are today. They didn't make sense at the time, and they don't always now and they won't always in the future, but I can trust that it all makes sense, that our physical selves are incapable of grasping the clockwork of life and how each event takes place to create space for the next. I am filled with wonderment and love as I think of all of the people you have brought into our lives with your passing. People who have made us laugh when we never thought we'd laugh again, people who have also been touched by similar sadness and we've found strength in each other's stories and proof that all things happen for a reason, people who are many shades of you, Brother, and that makes the missing you a little easier sometimes. I am so grateful for this beautiful, difficult ang incredible LIFE.
You have been visiting us in dreams, always telling us things, explaining things we can't quite remember in waking, but we love that we've gotten to see your face, hear your voice, and we know that your words are in our hearts, even if our conscious minds hide it from us. Thank you for that, it is so comforting to see you in dreaming. I write each one down as best as I can remember it, and I love going back and reading about them and reading them to the kids. One day, the kids will have these books, they will know our family history, and they will be able to share these stories with their kids, their grandkids, and I hope it goes on and on.
So, even though I have tears today, they are less of sadness, and more of love and appreciation for you, Bri, for the lessons you've taught us about life, about being imperfect and human and still amazing and precious, about family, about overcoming obstacles and pressing on even when we feel our last drop of resolve is used up. I am thankful that I feel your presence today, I feel your love in my heart and know that you will be with us today, and you always are when our family is together. I love you so much. I miss you most when the kids are blowing out birthday candles or playing sports, because you were always right there. I miss you when I'm having trouble understanding a struggle one of the kids is having, because you always offered a new perspective and helped me to understand their hearts. You had a way of seeing into human nature with such compassion, you helped me learn to do the same. I try my best every day to live in a way that makes you proud of me, and I hope you are. I will try hard to feel less sadness and lacking, and more appreciation and understanding, because I know you're really not as far away as most people think. You are in every sunrise, every raindrop, every burst of fireworks and every time the kids laugh, I hear you. Thank you for blessing us with your life, and strengthening us through your passing.
Love to you each day, always,
Your Big Sis
