Five Years

Tomorrow it will be five years since my entire life turned upside down. I have tried very hard to maintain a positive outlook during this whole ordeal...through all of the surgeries, through all of the therapies, both physical and psychological, I've put on a brave face and worked hard to push through everything I've come up against. What I have come to realize quite recently is that I haven't done a very good job. I've pushed away my most terrifying emotions for fear of being consumed by the anger and frustration that surrounds so many of the experiences I've had. I have hidden the fear that bubbles up inside me nearly each day...I didn't ever want my kids to see me as weak or unable to cope...I wanted to teach them to be positive and to embrace life with excitement and determination no matter what life throws our way. In doing that, I realize I may have caused them to lose touch with how they really feel, as I have. I became a shell for a very long time, too afraid to open my eyes to every aspect of my inner being, as I didn't really like what faced me there.

Finally?

So here I am again...so many days I've had the urge to write but the words sound so bitter and hopeless that I hate to see them in black and white. It's enough that they are in my head...it's enough that I am usually successful in keeping them out of my heart. Much of the time, I put on a smile and get through the days; once in awhile, I allow myself to cry, to rage against my love, who always looks at me with his kind, beautiful eyes and assures me tomorrow is another day. Wraps me in his big, strong arms and I feel safe.

I found the pictures Mom took of me 5 days after the accident...looking at those pictures made me realize a few things...

I have realized that the fact is this; I may never be a CCU Nurse, or a Nurse Midwife. I may never even be more than a Graduated Practical Nurse who lives with pain every day. But that does not mean my life is worthless. That doesn't mean that my soul is somehow diminished. The only thing capable of creating that thought is the loss of hope. A few times, throughout the years since this car crash, I thought I had lost all hope...and something always helped me to push through. Something deep within myself has always burst forth like sunshine through the darkest storm clouds...and I rise upward again. Looking at those pictures, the countless stitches and staples and bandages and casts, bloody bruises and broken bones, missing and broken teeth and hair matted with blood...and I realized, how amazing...how unlikely that I survived that. And I look at the miracle that I am now, I see myself in a whole new light again.

I looked through all of the pictures I've taken of the kids over the years...sorted through baby pictures of the five most precious gifts a mother could have...loving each memory, each moment I've been blessed with as their mom...and how bittersweet, to realize that suddenly, when my baby girl was about 10 1/2 months old, the pictures became so scarce. The hands holding the camera became wrapped in casts. The daily walks and ballgames and family trips ceased to be. The bond between a mother and her children was altered as her pain and healing encompassed everything in her mind, her body and spirit. As I tried to heal, to return to some semblance of normal life, the pictures resumed. I grit my teeth and did for my babies whatever I could no matter how I hurt or what anguish I felt. I protected them always from the pain and heartbreak I felt because I couldn't be the Supermom I always tried to be... Although this didn't last long, it lasted long enough to leave an imprint on the hearts of my beautiful blessings and on my own heart; our foundation was shaken...our lives set on edge with the nagging suspicion that at any moment, some new tragedy could topple what we used to think was immovable. What I realize now, and hopefully I'm teaching my kids the same, is that there is nothing in this life that can truly harm us. Nothing in this world that can take away the amazing bond between a mother and her children. Watching my parents as they live with the loss of my brother, I realize that even death doesn't break the bond between parent and child; I see evidence of my brother around Mom and Dad all the time. These bodies and circumstances are temporary; just a vehicle for a human experience in a world that can sometimes be cruel, but more often beautiful if you know how to see that beauty. Incredible if you can only remember through the eyes of a child how perfect and precious every single life is on this planet...and that all of us will struggle. We will all have our trials. Some of us will survive it; some will realize their strength, resolve and beauty; others will succumb to the hopeless reality that the human brain creates if you allow it. The greatest kindness we can display during our lifetime, I've found, is the ability to be truly loving and kind to ones self. By doing this, we see others through eyes of love, and we see ourselves as the spiritually-connected beings that we are...that makes life's challenges a little easier to bear. There are no accidents. We are all in this together, to live, learn and enrich one anothers lives in even the smallest of ways.

Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas out there...and to me, my gift to myself is that today, I begin writing the book I promised myself I would write.

Today

By the time I'm done writing this blog (whenever that will be, I hope I never stop writing) I'm sure there will be many posts in here, titled, "Today." One day at a time....

Update:

I'm off work again. Endurance is waning, pain is increasing, same symptoms, different day, different year, different mindset. It has now been four years. The only thing that hasn't changed is my pain, and realizing that the only thing that makes it go away is doing NOTHING. That is not acceptable. I refuse to live that way, because that is not living.

I've finally begun to accept that this is probably as good as it gets for me. I might not be able to work as a floor nurse, helping the sick...but maybe I can go back to school, get my master's degree and be the BOSS of the floor nurses who help the sick, and manage patient caseloads, and see that these people are well taken care of and that my staff is doing everything they can to ease the pain of the suffering. There are other paths to greatness, I am forging my own...

So much has changed in such a short timespan, I would love to post it all here but some of it just needs to remain in my heart...some can see the truth of it, the purity of it, of what it always has been and always will be...and others feel the need to taint it with their resentment and I can't allow that to happen here...so, I go on, and I love, and I live, and I accept what I can't change. It's time for me to take a new direction, a new approach...I have failed to see and truly appreciate the beauty in my life because I was so busy being angry and heartbroken for what cannot be. For what I can't do, for what I thought I believed but realized it wasn't true, it was never true...and now, I just have to move forward. We can never go back, we can only move forward with the knowledge and experience that we gain from the things that we live through...and that's just got to be good enough. It doesn't mean that every day I'm happy, that I'm refusing to see the bad things that are part of my experience, because I do see them...I do feel them...but I'm claiming it as my own. It's MY life. It's MY experience. And I'm deciding that it's going to be a beautiful and exciting journey, good AND bad..but all mine, and always beautiful in the end, always the lessons that I needed and the experiences I had to go through in the end.

I am learning that even the bad things we go through in life can teach us to appreciate the good. That when we come through a hard time, we can look back and say, "see how much better it feels to be me, today?" I'm finding that there is so much more comfort and confidence in the knowledge that all things are already decided, they are already written...and it's only up to me to move my very own chess piece--it doesn't really matter what else is on the board, as long as I remember that I'm the only me, and the only one who can truly appreciate me, who else can love me as much as I can? How can I truly appreciate how another loves me, until I truly love myself? I know that I have a purpose here, and I am regaining my joy and excitement in knowing that...and also, in not knowing what exactly that purpose may be, I might think that the path I'm on is right and forward and then something causes it to curve...isn't that exciting??? It's always an adventure. Even the pain brings appreciation for the days that I have less pain...and I look forward to those days...

This is my "Today."

What's New?

Well, what isn't? My attitude...that hasn't changed. It makes me so sad to look at the optimism and strength I used to write with, and now what I'm left with is resignation and defeat. I really feel that I will lose all resolve at any moment...and I honestly believe that I am one of the strongest, most positive people I know. But I can't take any more. I am so tired of waking up each day in pain. Tired of being told, "after this surgery, you'll be able to do whatever you want!" Sure! I can do whatever I want; if I plan on being in bed for 3-4 days afterward, on high-dose opiates and cursing the skies and anything/anyone else who comes within earshot...is that realistic?? I am exhausted...each day I wake up, cringing as I try and climb out of a bed that suddenly feels 40 feet high, walking 8 feet to the closet (which seems 100 feet away) and taking the first of 8 daily painkillers...I'm so tired of feeling this way. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to keep being frustrated and having it thrown in my face that there are so many things I can't do anymore that I took for granted before. Yes, I know I should be thankful that I'm alive, that I survived a horrible accident, but ya know what??? I can't tell you the number of times I wished I hadn't survived...saving my kids the pain of losing a parent is the only reason I am glad I am alive...I couldn't put my family through that. But I just don't know how much more I can take. Every day I get up and try to go to work...and I'm lucky if I make it there 3 days a week. By the time 3 hours have passed on the days I DO make it in, I am near tears, my arms and hands are numb, I am exhausted just from the sheer effort it takes to keep a smile on my face. I try hard to hide my pain...I don't know if it's better or worse, but I hide it...people's pity makes me angry, their sympathetic looks make me want to scream, I know there are many, many people who are far worse off than I am; but who is that thought supposed to comfort?? Why should I feel guilt when facing the reality that is my pain and my life? Why do any of us have to suffer? It doesn't make sense to me anymore. All the things I love have been altered; all that I enjoy in life has been stripped away--dulled by the pain that never leaves me. I feel like it's thrown in my face at every turn, YOU CAN'T MAKE IT. YOU CAN'T DO IT. Doctors keep trying to make me push harder, to make me go through the increased pain, exhaustion and tears, and I just feel like I'm finally going to break. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep forcing my body to do what causes so much pain, what am I trying to prove?? That I really can't do this?? I already know it...what will it take to make them see that?

Another year

I didn't have to read many posts back to realize that a lot of things have changed in my life but my pain is not one of them. It's been over 3 years and I still hurt everyday, some days more than others. My marriage is destroyed because of the stress from all this, his inability to cope and understand, my decreased sympathy for anyone else's problems when mine seem so huge. I am angry. I feel robbed of my life. All I have ever wanted is to be a mom, to run and play with my kids, to take care of them, to work tirelessly in a garden and bake and cook and clean my house, to take care of people as a nurse, to love my job as I do and know that I do it so well...to have a partner who understands and loves me for who I am, not what I used to be. And I had ALL of that once...a couple years ago...and then I got hit by this drunk driver, and now...I'm in the middle of a divorce. Trapped in a body that holds onto more pain than I know what to do with. I can't run with my kids, I can't chase and play ball and wrestle with them like I used to do. I can't WORK....WHY?????? Why does a damn good nurse have to be robbed of her joy and her profession, from something I KNOW I was born to do?? Not many people are passionate about what they do for a living...I am, and yet I am prevented from doing it. I didn't ask for any of this. I had the life I wanted. Now I have to figure out what to do with what is left. I can still be a good mommy, maybe I'm a little crabbier because of my pain, but I know I do a good job. I'm probably not much good anymore as a partner, because I am so paralyzed within myself because of the pain that rips open my heart everyday...and I don't know how to heal that. Some broken hearts just keep on bleeding, I swear...
I feel SO robbed...I HAD all this. I KNEW how to heal, I KNEW what would help me spiritually, I STILL counted my blessings and saw a path to move forward...and now, I feel so trapped, I feel like I am mired down in this pathetic swamp so deeply that I cannot move. I'm tired of hurting. I cry inside when I look into my babies' eyes and see how they hurt for the mom they used to know, for the dad that's living separate from them because we just couldn't fix it anymore, I just want to be OK....I want to get through a day and say, that was a good day. I didn't hurt, I did what I wanted to do. I don't know how to get past the hurt I have over not being able to live the life I wanted. How do you do that??? How you do accept something that huge when all your life you've pushed and fought and worked for everything you've ever wanted?? Suddenly I'm just supposed to accept that this is what I am left with?? A body that screams at me every day and a soul full of pain because I want MORE!!!! I cannot accept this!!! I want to be my own everything, that's all I know how to be. so someone please tell me how I learn to accept all that I am now. And yes, maybe someday it'll be ok...but I just need to see it today.

Another Today

I was just reading through some of my posts from this last year...it makes me sad to realize how much of my hope and faith in myself has been lost. I find myself afraid of what tomorrow will bring, afraid of the pain that comes with no warning or pattern, afraid that I am becoming old far before my time. Where has my confidence gone? Where has my peace of mind gone, and my inner strength that has brought me this far? I'm afraid it's all gone, I feel like I have become a shell of a human again, that my skin has worn so thin from the trials of this year that my soul is showing through. Why do I feel this way? Head to toe:

Still have the numbness on the left side of my face, and my mind is still silly and forgetful; I can't cook a 5-course meal anymore, I burn or forget things and then I cry... My left shoulder has been giving me a lot of trouble, not sure why but I imagine arthritis has set in already. The hands are ok, giving me pain when I use any kind of force, which means, carrying a laundry basket or turning a wrench makes my wrist throb and my elbow hurt...LAME. I'm sick of it. I'm trying so hard to be normal, but my body is really not cooperating. My stomach has been acting up too, I think I am having minor bouts of pancreatitis, which the docs said I would have. Can't handle fat in my diet, which is ok because I've gotten fat over the last 6 months. Kinda hard to do anything when everything I do HURTS. The hip joint itself is doing quite well, I have NO pain directly in the joint which is WONDERFUL...I have some pain further down my leg, not sure if it's related to any mechanical problems or just more soft-tissue pain that will just haunt me now and then. I wish it was more THEN and less now, because I hurt all the time.

I miss work, I don't know if I'd even remember half of my job duties by now...so I play with the kids, and I read, and I bug my husband when he's home. :o) Keep on truckin, keep on keepin on, that's all I can do. It makes me sad to look back at all the optimism and joy I had when I used to post on here...I don't feel any of that anymore, I have really gotten depressed. Something has to give...I don't know what, but we've got to figure something out with this pain, I can't take it anymore.

Not back to work yet

Well, yet another doc visit with news I don't really want...they're thinking I've developed fibromyalgia because of the chronic and intense pain my body's been through over the last year and a half. What does that mean? That means I wake up each day with aches, drag my butt to my computer, take a handful of pills and wait an hour for them to kick in...then I become my chipper, normal, able-to-walk-without-groaning self. I am taking a medication that makes me sleep HARD because I was waking up every hour or two with pain...now, I don't wake up unless someone ROLLS my butt out of bed! The negative there is that if one of the kids wakes up with a nightmare or gets sick, I don't hear them...and when Carl's out of town for work, I can't take my medication because I can't risk not waking up to my kids if they need me. So, I go a week with little sleep, which means a lot more pain, and my kids just hug me because I get crabby.
This whole not being able to work thing is really wearing on me...I miss my job, I miss helping people who are less fortunate than myself, I miss my friends. (I know, stop whining) but some people would love the chance to be home all the time...I am not that person. I need to work, to feel I have a purpose and that I'm contributing to our large family. I am missing that. I love to be home with my family, but I must admit that I enjoy picking them up at daycare after a hard day's work just as much, and they are so much happier to see me then! I think they're tired of mom being around.
Kianna said to me the other day, with a beautiful beaming smile on her face, "Mama, remember when we went to the park, before your leg hurt so bad, and you pushed me higher and higher on the swings, and we rolled down the grass hill and chased frogs in the creek? That was my favorite day, I miss when you were like that." Me too baby, me too. Makes you wanna go out and club a drunk driver. But on and on we go, because it's not a choice, it's a necessity. The beautiful thing is, I don't know many people who are as blessed as we are, who have such a large, loving family, happy marriage, good friends. I have more to be thankful for than I have to complain about...most days. ;o)