Well, yet another doc visit with news I don't really want...they're thinking I've developed fibromyalgia because of the chronic and intense pain my body's been through over the last year and a half. What does that mean? That means I wake up each day with aches, drag my butt to my computer, take a handful of pills and wait an hour for them to kick in...then I become my chipper, normal, able-to-walk-without-groaning self. I am taking a medication that makes me sleep HARD because I was waking up every hour or two with pain...now, I don't wake up unless someone ROLLS my butt out of bed! The negative there is that if one of the kids wakes up with a nightmare or gets sick, I don't hear them...and when Carl's out of town for work, I can't take my medication because I can't risk not waking up to my kids if they need me. So, I go a week with little sleep, which means a lot more pain, and my kids just hug me because I get crabby.
This whole not being able to work thing is really wearing on me...I miss my job, I miss helping people who are less fortunate than myself, I miss my friends. (I know, stop whining) but some people would love the chance to be home all the time...I am not that person. I need to work, to feel I have a purpose and that I'm contributing to our large family. I am missing that. I love to be home with my family, but I must admit that I enjoy picking them up at daycare after a hard day's work just as much, and they are so much happier to see me then! I think they're tired of mom being around.
Kianna said to me the other day, with a beautiful beaming smile on her face, "Mama, remember when we went to the park, before your leg hurt so bad, and you pushed me higher and higher on the swings, and we rolled down the grass hill and chased frogs in the creek? That was my favorite day, I miss when you were like that." Me too baby, me too. Makes you wanna go out and club a drunk driver. But on and on we go, because it's not a choice, it's a necessity. The beautiful thing is, I don't know many people who are as blessed as we are, who have such a large, loving family, happy marriage, good friends. I have more to be thankful for than I have to complain about...most days. ;o)
