OK, so I've been absent from here long enough to do a little bit of reading and give myself a stern talking-to about being such a simpering wuss. What I really need to do is grab hold of my proverbial bootstraps and get the hell on with it already. I'm not going to cry and blubber on here about how much worse it is and how lucky I am and how this and this and that and that- honestly, give every human being a blog on here and read through all of the stories of everyday people living everyday lives and not CRYING ABOUT IT. There are worse things I could be- I could be cruel and manipulative. I could be legless and live in a 3rd world country where I am still expected to pull my own weight and earn a living in some shape or form, at which point I'd get a mirror and a set of low-rider wheels and begin a studio of Crotch Shots of the Rich and Famous. But no- I was born in America, where we glorify our ordinariness, we fight about how unique we are and how everyone should look at me, look at me, I'm an American hit by the "poor me" club right smack in the center of my auto glass-scarred head. Boo. Enough. I have had enough. The dust has settled. I'm digging in. I'm getting some shit done that should've been done a long time ago, and writing things that should've been written years ago-
So hold onto your ass cuz I am laying it ALL out there. And I'm not even going to apologize for it.
Thanks for loving me!!!
Friday, July 15, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
And there's always more--this time it's personal, LOL
Today, I am optimistic. I don't feel any different, physically, but I have decided that if I can learn to live with pain, that I am just as likely to succeed as I used to be...the core of who I am has not changed a bit. I might have fallen down a few times, gotten quite a few bumps and bruises along the way, but my faith in myself has to remain.
Someone asked me, "If you hadn't had this car accident, do you think the marriage would've made it?" And the truth is, no. Beyond a doubt, the accident only hastened the inevitable. When I began nursing school, a few months before my accident, I promised myself that as soon as I finished college and got a good job, I would take the kids and leave the man who was so physically and emotionally abusive and unhealthy to the kids and I. I prayed for him, for many years...I hoped and prayed and begged he would go to counseling with me, I begged him to treat the kids with the love and respect he had always wanted from his own father...but after my accident, his drinking got worse, his attitude toward me was hateful and downright menacing at times...he barked orders at the kids, my boys, MY boys...he hit and belittled and treated them like slaves, making them do the housework that my broken body wouldn't do, screaming at them and calling them names or hitting them when they didn't do it to his specs...he became a monster. His true colors came through when our family was enduring the most difficult reality we could have imagined...and he added insult to injury. He buried himself in his Captain and Coke, his internet and his self-loathing, because he could no longer maintain the cheerful facade. I didn't know it until 2 years after we split, but he had dropped his facade around the kids way before that...when I was at work he mistreated them quite often, but they were too afraid to tell me. I have always believed that the greatest stresses in life will show a person's true personality...and after he realized how hard it was to replace me, for him to do all of the housework and child-rearing that I had done without support from him for 6 years before that accident, he came apart. I kept hoping he would recover and realize what he was doing to our marriage, to our sweet children...and he didn't care. He always blamed me. Always resented me. He used to scream at me, "How do you expect me to do all of this on my own?" How did he expect me to do it all on my own before that?? But I did it. I realize now that he is probably Bi-polar...that he has some sort of pathological or sociopathic wrong-thinking that allows him to mistreat everyone around him, and use them up until they're no good anymore, then he shuns them and somehow makes his abhorrent behavior THEIR fault. Anyone who is in his life, is there because they can do something for him. He cares for no one but himself, no matter what or who is involved, it comes down to how it makes HIM look and what benefit HE gains...and I could never be sure if he was a true narcissist, or if the narcissism was a cover for the fact that he truly despises himself. I still don't know for sure...all I know is, I am SO much happier, so much more free, without his overbearing and emotionally scarring shadow darkening everything in our home. I was not allowed the luxury of emotions, I couldn't show fear or sadness, or least of all anger, because then he blew out of control until we were all locked in our rooms, waiting for him to calm down. The kids are happier, they are healthy and loving, open with their emotions and learning to protect themselves from their dad's sickness. But they are all afraid of him. The most disturbing thing is this: His behavior mimics that of his own father at the same age. His oldest son's behavior mimics his own behavior at 20, His 2nd son's behavior mimics his own behavior, and our son's behavior often mimics their dad's behavior as well. This is definitely a hereditary thing, running very strong in the males...I cannot explain it, but I am trying to break through it with my son, in the most loving way possible, but it is so hard. Nearly all of his anger and hatred is focused toward me, and his 2 younger sisters. He refuses to admit when he's wrong, he refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, he is rude and disruptive, insulting and unrelenting when he is upset, and gets upset about the smallest little details, things that most people would just write off as a minor inconvenience...it turns into a 2-hour cool-down peppered by interventions to keep him from kicking holes in the walls or using highly inappropriate language. What do you call that?? Is there a name for that type of ill? Obstinate defiant disorder? Not quite. . Antisocial? Sometimes. So we go to counseling. My son says that dad stopped hitting him when he found out we were going to counseling. Now he's afraid of what the kids will say--and he should be! They've said plenty! He is a very lucky man, that I unfortunately had a very sexist and male-prejudiced lawyer, or there's no way the judge would have allowed this awful man to have as much visitation as he does. It's not even been close to a year yet, and he's already skating on thin ice. He gets complacent and lazy when he thinks he's won...but the truth is, that complacency is causing him to lose his precarious grip on our precious kids...they have long outgrown him, emotionally...and they are no longer victims of his abuse. They are still hopeful that one day he will just love them for who they are and not because they're forced to behave in a way that's acceptable to him. I will not allow him to hurt them, anymore. I was too weak to know how to protect them before; but now I will do everything in my power to prevent these kids from suffering the same crushing emotional and physical pain that their father put upon their older brothers. Those boys still bear the emotional scars that their dad put on them, and I am still working hard to help them shed that old skin. They are better than that, they deserved better then and they KNOW they do now. But if so much as a hair on my children's head is touched, the wrath and justice will be swift, this time. Prayers and love didn't save us then, but our strength and determination will now, and always. Don't mess with this mama bear, she got some TEEF!
Someone asked me, "If you hadn't had this car accident, do you think the marriage would've made it?" And the truth is, no. Beyond a doubt, the accident only hastened the inevitable. When I began nursing school, a few months before my accident, I promised myself that as soon as I finished college and got a good job, I would take the kids and leave the man who was so physically and emotionally abusive and unhealthy to the kids and I. I prayed for him, for many years...I hoped and prayed and begged he would go to counseling with me, I begged him to treat the kids with the love and respect he had always wanted from his own father...but after my accident, his drinking got worse, his attitude toward me was hateful and downright menacing at times...he barked orders at the kids, my boys, MY boys...he hit and belittled and treated them like slaves, making them do the housework that my broken body wouldn't do, screaming at them and calling them names or hitting them when they didn't do it to his specs...he became a monster. His true colors came through when our family was enduring the most difficult reality we could have imagined...and he added insult to injury. He buried himself in his Captain and Coke, his internet and his self-loathing, because he could no longer maintain the cheerful facade. I didn't know it until 2 years after we split, but he had dropped his facade around the kids way before that...when I was at work he mistreated them quite often, but they were too afraid to tell me. I have always believed that the greatest stresses in life will show a person's true personality...and after he realized how hard it was to replace me, for him to do all of the housework and child-rearing that I had done without support from him for 6 years before that accident, he came apart. I kept hoping he would recover and realize what he was doing to our marriage, to our sweet children...and he didn't care. He always blamed me. Always resented me. He used to scream at me, "How do you expect me to do all of this on my own?" How did he expect me to do it all on my own before that?? But I did it. I realize now that he is probably Bi-polar...that he has some sort of pathological or sociopathic wrong-thinking that allows him to mistreat everyone around him, and use them up until they're no good anymore, then he shuns them and somehow makes his abhorrent behavior THEIR fault. Anyone who is in his life, is there because they can do something for him. He cares for no one but himself, no matter what or who is involved, it comes down to how it makes HIM look and what benefit HE gains...and I could never be sure if he was a true narcissist, or if the narcissism was a cover for the fact that he truly despises himself. I still don't know for sure...all I know is, I am SO much happier, so much more free, without his overbearing and emotionally scarring shadow darkening everything in our home. I was not allowed the luxury of emotions, I couldn't show fear or sadness, or least of all anger, because then he blew out of control until we were all locked in our rooms, waiting for him to calm down. The kids are happier, they are healthy and loving, open with their emotions and learning to protect themselves from their dad's sickness. But they are all afraid of him. The most disturbing thing is this: His behavior mimics that of his own father at the same age. His oldest son's behavior mimics his own behavior at 20, His 2nd son's behavior mimics his own behavior, and our son's behavior often mimics their dad's behavior as well. This is definitely a hereditary thing, running very strong in the males...I cannot explain it, but I am trying to break through it with my son, in the most loving way possible, but it is so hard. Nearly all of his anger and hatred is focused toward me, and his 2 younger sisters. He refuses to admit when he's wrong, he refuses to take responsibility for his own actions, he is rude and disruptive, insulting and unrelenting when he is upset, and gets upset about the smallest little details, things that most people would just write off as a minor inconvenience...it turns into a 2-hour cool-down peppered by interventions to keep him from kicking holes in the walls or using highly inappropriate language. What do you call that?? Is there a name for that type of ill? Obstinate defiant disorder? Not quite. . Antisocial? Sometimes. So we go to counseling. My son says that dad stopped hitting him when he found out we were going to counseling. Now he's afraid of what the kids will say--and he should be! They've said plenty! He is a very lucky man, that I unfortunately had a very sexist and male-prejudiced lawyer, or there's no way the judge would have allowed this awful man to have as much visitation as he does. It's not even been close to a year yet, and he's already skating on thin ice. He gets complacent and lazy when he thinks he's won...but the truth is, that complacency is causing him to lose his precarious grip on our precious kids...they have long outgrown him, emotionally...and they are no longer victims of his abuse. They are still hopeful that one day he will just love them for who they are and not because they're forced to behave in a way that's acceptable to him. I will not allow him to hurt them, anymore. I was too weak to know how to protect them before; but now I will do everything in my power to prevent these kids from suffering the same crushing emotional and physical pain that their father put upon their older brothers. Those boys still bear the emotional scars that their dad put on them, and I am still working hard to help them shed that old skin. They are better than that, they deserved better then and they KNOW they do now. But if so much as a hair on my children's head is touched, the wrath and justice will be swift, this time. Prayers and love didn't save us then, but our strength and determination will now, and always. Don't mess with this mama bear, she got some TEEF!
Wednesday, February 02, 2011
Take the good with the bad
Yesterday, I was so angry and feeling sorry for myself. Today, although the pain in my back is even worse, my mood is much better. I don't feel completely down on myself, I'm not questioning God or anyone else. It does no good to ask "why?" All I can do, on any given day, is the best I can do. On ANY day, I am an excellent mother. I lead this family better today than I ever did while I was married. Being married only meant I had to do and act in ways acceptable to the husband...turns out, his ways were, and still are, harmful and toxic. I feel strong in the knowledge that because of me, these kids have a good chance of growing up to be appreciative, confident and healthy adults. That is my main goal for them. They will always know, no matter how bad the pain is or how long the day, I love them with every bit of my heart.
I did reiki today, and meditated. I find I can get completely lost in the calm of meditation. It is so helpful to be able to escape, if only for 15-20 minutes a day, at least it brings some relief. I know there must be some very meaningful lessons I can get from this life; even if it's hard for me to always see that, I know the knowledge is there.
I did reiki today, and meditated. I find I can get completely lost in the calm of meditation. It is so helpful to be able to escape, if only for 15-20 minutes a day, at least it brings some relief. I know there must be some very meaningful lessons I can get from this life; even if it's hard for me to always see that, I know the knowledge is there.
Tuesday, February 01, 2011
Some 5+ Years Later
I think that the journey I've taken over the last 5 years has taken my faith. Before I had this accident and multiple surgeries, I had such unshakable faith in God. Now, I question my own meaning every day...I ask where this god is, the one who's supposed to replenish my faith, my strength, my grace when I am weak and struggling. I cry out for help or guidance, or a sign, and where I used to see them almost daily; now I see none. I feel that my once-endless, overflowing cup of hope and joy has dwindled and nearly dried up. I used to pray and receive strength; now I sit, stone-faced, in daily pain. I am thankful for my life. I am not thankful for the life of pain from which I can find no relief. I've tried everything under the sun...doctors, pain clinics, physical therapy, water therapy, chiropractors, reiki energy healing, yoga, meditation, healing of hands, prayer, love, crying it out, raging against this damaged body and finding no answers or relief. I am left trying to forgive this body that won't work the way I need it to, a mind clouded sometimes with pain so intense I cry out involuntarily. I miss my work. I miss my life meaning. I miss feeling the security of faith...knowledge of a kind and loving God, whose Grace will take my pain and fill my heart with hope. I do not believe we suffer necessarily for some reward in the hereafter; that is a load of shit. I'm beginning to wonder what I might have done in a past life that has caused so much painful karma in this one.
The only reason I get up in the morning is my love for my children. I live only to make them smile, to teach them to live healthily in this life and to always be kind and full of goodness and love. Maybe, amongst all the other things I've learned from my children, they will also teach me how to become my vibrant and exuberant self again. I have run out of options; I feel my well of hope has run dry. This body is useless to me. It looks fine to everyone else, but the pain I feel shooting down my back, neck and arms each day is enough to devour the smile on my face on a good day. How many surgeries? 8 so far. I will not go under the knife again. I feel that one of the only options I haven't tried yet would be acupuncture or going on a healing pilgrimage to Crete, where I've heard the magic of the island will cure me. Hmm...except for the fact that all of these "cures" cost MONEY...something a disabled person raising 5 children has very little of.
What kind of work can a woman like me do anymore? I'm exhausted after taking a shower some days. I sleep most of the day because in sleep, I feel less pain. I've tried to meditate and rise above the pain I feel, to become accepting of it, to live with it instead of fight it and rage against it...I need the ocean, I need fresh air and sunshine, I need to feel that somewhere there is an ending to my pain. I become more and more angry as my children grow and I realize the things I haven't been able to teach them because of my physical restraints. Canoeing. Ice skating. Skiing. Just throwing a damn ball out in the backyard, teaching my son baseball or football or anything...movement. I miss moving normally, relaxing normally...breathing normally.
The doctor keeps talking about the research being done to help injured Iraq War Veterans, and that research will likely be able to help me, as my crash was comparable to something that would be endured in war. Well figure it out already! I have lived with this pain long enough! And I'm sure that horrible day, the day I remember every single morning as I haul myself out of bed...that day is likely a distant memory to the drunk driver who has succeeded in ending my life as I knew it.
The only reason I get up in the morning is my love for my children. I live only to make them smile, to teach them to live healthily in this life and to always be kind and full of goodness and love. Maybe, amongst all the other things I've learned from my children, they will also teach me how to become my vibrant and exuberant self again. I have run out of options; I feel my well of hope has run dry. This body is useless to me. It looks fine to everyone else, but the pain I feel shooting down my back, neck and arms each day is enough to devour the smile on my face on a good day. How many surgeries? 8 so far. I will not go under the knife again. I feel that one of the only options I haven't tried yet would be acupuncture or going on a healing pilgrimage to Crete, where I've heard the magic of the island will cure me. Hmm...except for the fact that all of these "cures" cost MONEY...something a disabled person raising 5 children has very little of.
What kind of work can a woman like me do anymore? I'm exhausted after taking a shower some days. I sleep most of the day because in sleep, I feel less pain. I've tried to meditate and rise above the pain I feel, to become accepting of it, to live with it instead of fight it and rage against it...I need the ocean, I need fresh air and sunshine, I need to feel that somewhere there is an ending to my pain. I become more and more angry as my children grow and I realize the things I haven't been able to teach them because of my physical restraints. Canoeing. Ice skating. Skiing. Just throwing a damn ball out in the backyard, teaching my son baseball or football or anything...movement. I miss moving normally, relaxing normally...breathing normally.
The doctor keeps talking about the research being done to help injured Iraq War Veterans, and that research will likely be able to help me, as my crash was comparable to something that would be endured in war. Well figure it out already! I have lived with this pain long enough! And I'm sure that horrible day, the day I remember every single morning as I haul myself out of bed...that day is likely a distant memory to the drunk driver who has succeeded in ending my life as I knew it.
Thursday, November 04, 2010
Five Years
Tomorrow it will be five years since my entire life turned upside down. I have tried very hard to maintain a positive outlook during this whole ordeal...through all of the surgeries, through all of the therapies, both physical and psychological, I've put on a brave face and worked hard to push through everything I've come up against. What I have come to realize quite recently is that I haven't done a very good job. I've pushed away my most terrifying emotions for fear of being consumed by the anger and frustration that surrounds so many of the experiences I've had. I have hidden the fear that bubbles up inside me nearly each day...I didn't ever want my kids to see me as weak or unable to cope...I wanted to teach them to be positive and to embrace life with excitement and determination no matter what life throws our way. In doing that, I realize I may have caused them to lose touch with how they really feel, as I have. I became a shell for a very long time, too afraid to open my eyes to every aspect of my inner being, as I didn't really like what faced me there.
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Finally?
So here I am again...so many days I've had the urge to write but the words sound so bitter and hopeless that I hate to see them in black and white. It's enough that they are in my head...it's enough that I am usually successful in keeping them out of my heart. Much of the time, I put on a smile and get through the days; once in awhile, I allow myself to cry, to rage against my love, who always looks at me with his kind, beautiful eyes and assures me tomorrow is another day. Wraps me in his big, strong arms and I feel safe.
I found the pictures Mom took of me 5 days after the accident...looking at those pictures made me realize a few things...
I have realized that the fact is this; I may never be a CCU Nurse, or a Nurse Midwife. I may never even be more than a Graduated Practical Nurse who lives with pain every day. But that does not mean my life is worthless. That doesn't mean that my soul is somehow diminished. The only thing capable of creating that thought is the loss of hope. A few times, throughout the years since this car crash, I thought I had lost all hope...and something always helped me to push through. Something deep within myself has always burst forth like sunshine through the darkest storm clouds...and I rise upward again. Looking at those pictures, the countless stitches and staples and bandages and casts, bloody bruises and broken bones, missing and broken teeth and hair matted with blood...and I realized, how amazing...how unlikely that I survived that. And I look at the miracle that I am now, I see myself in a whole new light again.
I looked through all of the pictures I've taken of the kids over the years...sorted through baby pictures of the five most precious gifts a mother could have...loving each memory, each moment I've been blessed with as their mom...and how bittersweet, to realize that suddenly, when my baby girl was about 10 1/2 months old, the pictures became so scarce. The hands holding the camera became wrapped in casts. The daily walks and ballgames and family trips ceased to be. The bond between a mother and her children was altered as her pain and healing encompassed everything in her mind, her body and spirit. As I tried to heal, to return to some semblance of normal life, the pictures resumed. I grit my teeth and did for my babies whatever I could no matter how I hurt or what anguish I felt. I protected them always from the pain and heartbreak I felt because I couldn't be the Supermom I always tried to be... Although this didn't last long, it lasted long enough to leave an imprint on the hearts of my beautiful blessings and on my own heart; our foundation was shaken...our lives set on edge with the nagging suspicion that at any moment, some new tragedy could topple what we used to think was immovable. What I realize now, and hopefully I'm teaching my kids the same, is that there is nothing in this life that can truly harm us. Nothing in this world that can take away the amazing bond between a mother and her children. Watching my parents as they live with the loss of my brother, I realize that even death doesn't break the bond between parent and child; I see evidence of my brother around Mom and Dad all the time. These bodies and circumstances are temporary; just a vehicle for a human experience in a world that can sometimes be cruel, but more often beautiful if you know how to see that beauty. Incredible if you can only remember through the eyes of a child how perfect and precious every single life is on this planet...and that all of us will struggle. We will all have our trials. Some of us will survive it; some will realize their strength, resolve and beauty; others will succumb to the hopeless reality that the human brain creates if you allow it. The greatest kindness we can display during our lifetime, I've found, is the ability to be truly loving and kind to ones self. By doing this, we see others through eyes of love, and we see ourselves as the spiritually-connected beings that we are...that makes life's challenges a little easier to bear. There are no accidents. We are all in this together, to live, learn and enrich one anothers lives in even the smallest of ways.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas out there...and to me, my gift to myself is that today, I begin writing the book I promised myself I would write.
I found the pictures Mom took of me 5 days after the accident...looking at those pictures made me realize a few things...
I have realized that the fact is this; I may never be a CCU Nurse, or a Nurse Midwife. I may never even be more than a Graduated Practical Nurse who lives with pain every day. But that does not mean my life is worthless. That doesn't mean that my soul is somehow diminished. The only thing capable of creating that thought is the loss of hope. A few times, throughout the years since this car crash, I thought I had lost all hope...and something always helped me to push through. Something deep within myself has always burst forth like sunshine through the darkest storm clouds...and I rise upward again. Looking at those pictures, the countless stitches and staples and bandages and casts, bloody bruises and broken bones, missing and broken teeth and hair matted with blood...and I realized, how amazing...how unlikely that I survived that. And I look at the miracle that I am now, I see myself in a whole new light again.
I looked through all of the pictures I've taken of the kids over the years...sorted through baby pictures of the five most precious gifts a mother could have...loving each memory, each moment I've been blessed with as their mom...and how bittersweet, to realize that suddenly, when my baby girl was about 10 1/2 months old, the pictures became so scarce. The hands holding the camera became wrapped in casts. The daily walks and ballgames and family trips ceased to be. The bond between a mother and her children was altered as her pain and healing encompassed everything in her mind, her body and spirit. As I tried to heal, to return to some semblance of normal life, the pictures resumed. I grit my teeth and did for my babies whatever I could no matter how I hurt or what anguish I felt. I protected them always from the pain and heartbreak I felt because I couldn't be the Supermom I always tried to be... Although this didn't last long, it lasted long enough to leave an imprint on the hearts of my beautiful blessings and on my own heart; our foundation was shaken...our lives set on edge with the nagging suspicion that at any moment, some new tragedy could topple what we used to think was immovable. What I realize now, and hopefully I'm teaching my kids the same, is that there is nothing in this life that can truly harm us. Nothing in this world that can take away the amazing bond between a mother and her children. Watching my parents as they live with the loss of my brother, I realize that even death doesn't break the bond between parent and child; I see evidence of my brother around Mom and Dad all the time. These bodies and circumstances are temporary; just a vehicle for a human experience in a world that can sometimes be cruel, but more often beautiful if you know how to see that beauty. Incredible if you can only remember through the eyes of a child how perfect and precious every single life is on this planet...and that all of us will struggle. We will all have our trials. Some of us will survive it; some will realize their strength, resolve and beauty; others will succumb to the hopeless reality that the human brain creates if you allow it. The greatest kindness we can display during our lifetime, I've found, is the ability to be truly loving and kind to ones self. By doing this, we see others through eyes of love, and we see ourselves as the spiritually-connected beings that we are...that makes life's challenges a little easier to bear. There are no accidents. We are all in this together, to live, learn and enrich one anothers lives in even the smallest of ways.
Happy Mother's Day to all you mamas out there...and to me, my gift to myself is that today, I begin writing the book I promised myself I would write.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Today
By the time I'm done writing this blog (whenever that will be, I hope I never stop writing) I'm sure there will be many posts in here, titled, "Today." One day at a time....
Update:
I'm off work again. Endurance is waning, pain is increasing, same symptoms, different day, different year, different mindset. It has now been four years. The only thing that hasn't changed is my pain, and realizing that the only thing that makes it go away is doing NOTHING. That is not acceptable. I refuse to live that way, because that is not living.
I've finally begun to accept that this is probably as good as it gets for me. I might not be able to work as a floor nurse, helping the sick...but maybe I can go back to school, get my master's degree and be the BOSS of the floor nurses who help the sick, and manage patient caseloads, and see that these people are well taken care of and that my staff is doing everything they can to ease the pain of the suffering. There are other paths to greatness, I am forging my own...
So much has changed in such a short timespan, I would love to post it all here but some of it just needs to remain in my heart...some can see the truth of it, the purity of it, of what it always has been and always will be...and others feel the need to taint it with their resentment and I can't allow that to happen here...so, I go on, and I love, and I live, and I accept what I can't change. It's time for me to take a new direction, a new approach...I have failed to see and truly appreciate the beauty in my life because I was so busy being angry and heartbroken for what cannot be. For what I can't do, for what I thought I believed but realized it wasn't true, it was never true...and now, I just have to move forward. We can never go back, we can only move forward with the knowledge and experience that we gain from the things that we live through...and that's just got to be good enough. It doesn't mean that every day I'm happy, that I'm refusing to see the bad things that are part of my experience, because I do see them...I do feel them...but I'm claiming it as my own. It's MY life. It's MY experience. And I'm deciding that it's going to be a beautiful and exciting journey, good AND bad..but all mine, and always beautiful in the end, always the lessons that I needed and the experiences I had to go through in the end.
I am learning that even the bad things we go through in life can teach us to appreciate the good. That when we come through a hard time, we can look back and say, "see how much better it feels to be me, today?" I'm finding that there is so much more comfort and confidence in the knowledge that all things are already decided, they are already written...and it's only up to me to move my very own chess piece--it doesn't really matter what else is on the board, as long as I remember that I'm the only me, and the only one who can truly appreciate me, who else can love me as much as I can? How can I truly appreciate how another loves me, until I truly love myself? I know that I have a purpose here, and I am regaining my joy and excitement in knowing that...and also, in not knowing what exactly that purpose may be, I might think that the path I'm on is right and forward and then something causes it to curve...isn't that exciting??? It's always an adventure. Even the pain brings appreciation for the days that I have less pain...and I look forward to those days...
This is my "Today."
Update:
I'm off work again. Endurance is waning, pain is increasing, same symptoms, different day, different year, different mindset. It has now been four years. The only thing that hasn't changed is my pain, and realizing that the only thing that makes it go away is doing NOTHING. That is not acceptable. I refuse to live that way, because that is not living.
I've finally begun to accept that this is probably as good as it gets for me. I might not be able to work as a floor nurse, helping the sick...but maybe I can go back to school, get my master's degree and be the BOSS of the floor nurses who help the sick, and manage patient caseloads, and see that these people are well taken care of and that my staff is doing everything they can to ease the pain of the suffering. There are other paths to greatness, I am forging my own...
So much has changed in such a short timespan, I would love to post it all here but some of it just needs to remain in my heart...some can see the truth of it, the purity of it, of what it always has been and always will be...and others feel the need to taint it with their resentment and I can't allow that to happen here...so, I go on, and I love, and I live, and I accept what I can't change. It's time for me to take a new direction, a new approach...I have failed to see and truly appreciate the beauty in my life because I was so busy being angry and heartbroken for what cannot be. For what I can't do, for what I thought I believed but realized it wasn't true, it was never true...and now, I just have to move forward. We can never go back, we can only move forward with the knowledge and experience that we gain from the things that we live through...and that's just got to be good enough. It doesn't mean that every day I'm happy, that I'm refusing to see the bad things that are part of my experience, because I do see them...I do feel them...but I'm claiming it as my own. It's MY life. It's MY experience. And I'm deciding that it's going to be a beautiful and exciting journey, good AND bad..but all mine, and always beautiful in the end, always the lessons that I needed and the experiences I had to go through in the end.
I am learning that even the bad things we go through in life can teach us to appreciate the good. That when we come through a hard time, we can look back and say, "see how much better it feels to be me, today?" I'm finding that there is so much more comfort and confidence in the knowledge that all things are already decided, they are already written...and it's only up to me to move my very own chess piece--it doesn't really matter what else is on the board, as long as I remember that I'm the only me, and the only one who can truly appreciate me, who else can love me as much as I can? How can I truly appreciate how another loves me, until I truly love myself? I know that I have a purpose here, and I am regaining my joy and excitement in knowing that...and also, in not knowing what exactly that purpose may be, I might think that the path I'm on is right and forward and then something causes it to curve...isn't that exciting??? It's always an adventure. Even the pain brings appreciation for the days that I have less pain...and I look forward to those days...
This is my "Today."
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