It's been too damn long since I posted in here...so much has happened over the last few months, so many things that have broken my heart and made me feel as though every step forward made me fall backward into a pit of muck. I hate that feeling.
School ended well, my GPA didn't suffer in spite of all the changes that had been going on around me. It's so funny to read these earlier posts, at a time when I was still so fragile in my world that I couldn't comprehend everything around me at once, I had to digest it in stages, like a 7 course meal that takes hours to finish.
I started taking anti-anxiety meds in April, after Carl having to slam on the brakes to avoid a fender bender and I blacked out...and my heart rate didn't return to normal for 4 days, causing me to take a trip to ER where they drugged me with Zanax and sent me home, to meet with my doctor later in the week. Now I'm on Celexa, and it helps me relax and has decreased my anxiety so much, I feel normal again.
Not long after my freak-out, Carl had a breakdown of his own. He's been steadily drinking more and more...never getting obnoxiously drunk or fall-down, piss-pants drunk, just having 5 or 6 beers a night, which is not something he's ever done before. I didn't say anything about it, i knew he was trying to cope and we've gone through this before, he hits bottom and realizes he's drinking too much, and he stops. I don't need to nag at him, he'll figure it out. Not this time. this time, he got mean. Not physical, but verbally abusive... After the first time, I had a long talk with him about needing to see the doc about antidepressants and going to counselling...it helped me so much to talk to someone else about all that was going on with me. He was all apologetic, promising to never get that way with me again, and I believed him. The second time, he came home from a night out with the boys absolutely drunk and mad as hell...he yelled and screamed and swore at me until I locked myself in my room and called his brother and best friend to come get him. When they got there, he was finally calm, but got all bent out of shape again and almost ended up fighting with his brother...I have never seen him like that before, so full of rage and hatred that he would swear at his wife and threaten his brother. I was so mad at him...but at the same time, I felt so sorry for him, I knew that he was struggling so much and trying so hard to find a way to deal with everything surrounding the car accident. We had a long talk, one of those conversations that continued for days, him promising to never treat me that way again, and me forgiving him and talking to my doc about his need for antidepressants, and if he had another outburst like that, he would have to go live somewhere else until he got help managing his anger. he agreed. Things were better for a while, and then 4th of July weekend, he was drinking at our family get-together and tripped and hurt himself in the dark...which the rest of us found hilarious until we realized he had been hurt, then we felt bad...but too late, he was furious and I was a f*cking bitch and a c*nt, and my family was shit and he punched my step dad's nephew in the face for taking a picture of him when he fell...it was so out of control and so totally out of character for him, I felt like I didn't even know him. He ended up leaving that night, driving home alone and calling my cell and leaving angry messages during the night...I stayed at mom's and the kids and I had fun...although I kept thinking about him and wondering what would happen next...but I had made up my mind...either he would get help, or he would be moving out. I divorced my first husband for the exact same behaviors my wonderful, dedicated 2nd husband was displaying...and it ripped my heart out. I would not put my family through that pain again. I got home from mom's at 9:30 the next night, and I tucked the kids into bed and just talked a little with Carl...I was still too hurt to be able to voice my full feelings and concerns, and I knew if I spoke before I had a handle on my emotions that our marriage would be over. The next day, we were able to talk, Carl was so sincerely sorry and would do anything to save our marriage but understood completely if I would want him to leave...I was so torn, I had told him if he did that one more time I would make him leave...and I really wanted him to leave...but I also knew I was not the source of his anger, I was just his target...so, he had a choice--go to counseling, go on antidepressants, stop drinking--or go find somewhere else to live. He's been on antidepressants since July, they have done wonders and he has been talking a lot to my doctor who is probably better than most counselors in the area. So we're ok. I think. Sometimes I'm so angry at him for treating me to poorly, after all we've been through. I had my moments too, i was hard on him and lashed out at him angrily and I made my counseling appointments and got help...I think that's why I was so mad, I saw my needs and took care of them...it took him almost losing me because of his stupid temper and insecurity, and all this after nearly losing me to a senseless car accident. Makes my blood boil. So now, we're better friends than we've ever been, more honest and appreciative of each other and talking things out before they get to be too much. So far, so good. The man I married and the sweet, sensitive person I knew was deep down inside there finally started to surface again. I think it's been scary to Carl that I have changed so much...in a good way, but it must be unnerving to him to see his wife changed like I have. I have such a deep understanding of why things work the way they do, and I live as if I don't have any time to waste...because I don't. I know that, and I think it's to scary and real for him to be able to deal with sometimes. I think he always knew he married a strong woman, but now he sometimes looks at me in awe, like I'm made of steel...but I know I'm made of stronger things than that. ;-)
