Tomorrow it will be five years since my entire life turned upside down. I have tried very hard to maintain a positive outlook during this whole ordeal...through all of the surgeries, through all of the therapies, both physical and psychological, I've put on a brave face and worked hard to push through everything I've come up against. What I have come to realize quite recently is that I haven't done a very good job. I've pushed away my most terrifying emotions for fear of being consumed by the anger and frustration that surrounds so many of the experiences I've had. I have hidden the fear that bubbles up inside me nearly each day...I didn't ever want my kids to see me as weak or unable to cope...I wanted to teach them to be positive and to embrace life with excitement and determination no matter what life throws our way. In doing that, I realize I may have caused them to lose touch with how they really feel, as I have. I became a shell for a very long time, too afraid to open my eyes to every aspect of my inner being, as I didn't really like what faced me there.
