Today, I go to court, maybe to give a "victim impact statement" about my feelings regarding the accident. I have thought so many times about what I would say when the time came, about all of the things that I want this man to understand...and I think what I'm most afraid of, is that he still won't get it. I'm afraid he still won't be able to see how horrible this has been for my family and I, and that he will be angry or display in some way his disdain for me because I am the one who is sentencing him...just thinking like an alcoholic does, and I am sure his anger for me is great, and that he blames this on me and not himself. I hope I'm wrong...I hope he has some sense of responsibility and remorse for what has happened...but I'm not holding my breath.
Maybe what I should do is type out what I want to say to this guy...maybe that would help me gather my thoughts and make sense of all the things I need him to become aware of.
I sit here today a healed woman, a stronger woman than I ever thought I would be, or NEED to be. I've recovered amazingly against nearly impossible odds, surprising my doctors, family, and everyone who knows me. You are probably sitting here thinking that I don't show any signs of the injuries I've recovered from...but I see it. I see my many scars, I feel it every day, as my hip and left leg don't move the way I want them to. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even now, 10 months later. My hands throb every day, my head is still numb, the left side of my face doesn't always move the way it should, and my eye, lips and chin bear scars that will not go away without more surgery that I'm not so eager to have...pain is something I've become too familiar with in the last 10 months, and voluntarily going through more pain is not high on my list. I am scatterbrained...the doctors say this is normal and should be resolved within a year, maybe 2 years of the accident...I'm forgetful and easily irritated or frustrated at times. I feel like an old woman now, like this has aged me more than day to day life ever would.
My family has suffered incredibly because of this accident. while I was in the hospital, my husband, mother and father would not leave my side for the first week. My brother and sister, my brother-in-law and his wife took turns caring for our kids while I was in and out of surgery, in and out of consciousness, in casts and on a ventilator. My children couldn't see me for nearly a week, my husband was afraid that it would be too scary to them, with all of the tubes and bandages and my swollen face. My babies had to go to bed each night without their mama tucking them in...something that's unheard of in my house. For nearly a month, my kids were tucked in by someone else, whether it was aunties or uncles, or grandma...but it wasn't me. Even after I returned home, thin as a rail and both arms in splints, in a wheelchair, I couldn't have my kids sit in my lap. I couldn't turn the pages of a book we would read, I couldn't bathe them or climb the stairs to tuck them in...I couldn't even bathe myself. I couldn't cook for my family, or clean our big house or do our laundry...thank God for my wonderful family and friends who visited and helped us with all of that.
I couldn't eat for almost a month, but received nourishment from an IV in my arm. My weight dropped to 121 pounds which, on a 5'10" frame, is not healthy.
When I think back to how difficult everything was, each day a struggle and each task seeming endless...I am not sure what kept my spirits so high. I didn't complain much, I just did what I could and pushed and pushed until the things I couldn't do started to come easily again. Brushing my teeth. Feeding myself. Showering alone. Dressing alone. Walking. I didn't walk for 2 months, and for 2 months after that it was with a walker. Doing laundry. Cooking a meal by myself. Opening a bottle or jar without help. I still can't ride a bike, or run like I used to. I couldn't drive for 4 months, and even then it was difficult to handle, emotionally. I missed 4 months of work, and had to take a semester off of nursing school to recover. I should have graduated in May, but now I won't be finished until this December. I can't wrestle with my boys like I did a year ago, or play ball every day in the yard with my kids. But I'm getting there...I hope I keep on getting better as I have been, I won't accept that I may not be 100% again, I'm just not ready to believe that.
My marriage has suffered terribly. We have a very strong commitment to each other and our children, but this accident and all of the circumstances surrounding it have tested our marriage to its absolute limit. It makes me sad to think that something totally out of my control has had such a negative affect on the most important things in my life. I have been taking anti-anxiety medication since April to help me handle the anxiety attacks I have while driving. My husband is taking antidepressants to help him cope with all of the horrible things he's dealt with, especially the awful time when, thank God, I was unconscious and don't remember.
I don't say all of these things to place blame, or to make anyone feel horrible over this accident. I just need to convey a tiny bit of what has been our lives over the last 10 months. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to understand everything we've been through, that is impossible. But I fully expect that Luke Fox will think about everything that his actions have meant to me, how his decision that day affected ME, my family, and our lives, and we'll never be the same again. I have already served my sentence because of his actions, and will probably do so for the rest of my life. In my future, my broken bones will most likely be pained with arthritis, my ruptured spleen leaves me vulnerable to infection and serious illness, and my family and I will never forget how fragile life is, or how uncertain. Children should never have to wonder if their mama is coming home, if she'll be ok again, and my kids were forced to deal with all of this--not because of my decision, but the decision of someone else. I wasn't given a choice. I just wanted to go to work that day. So I hope that I'm not the only driver who was forever changed by this accident, but that Luke Fox has learned a huge lesson as well, and that he will never again make the decision he made that morning. That is my greatest fear, that he is allowed to do this, or worse, to someone else.
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
Monday, August 28, 2006
New Truck!
I bought a new truck last Thursday. Paid cash for it. I never thought I'd be able to do that in my life, and it felt good. It's a small reward for going through such an awful ordeal, but I knew that if I got nothing else out of this accident I wanted to get a bigger, safer vehicle to carry my babies in and I did. This truck would eat a Chevy Silverado for lunch, and I love it!! It's a Ford Expedition, silver with big ole tires and 8 roomy seats for all of my babies to ride in style. And guess where we're taking it this weekend? Mall of America baby, where we will let the kids spend some money foolishly because we can. Bills are paid, debt is down, and we are finally feeling like we will be ok.
Thank God.
Thank God.
it has to come out
something in me just needs to come out tonight, I need to write and write and write, and pour my heart out like I haven't done in so long...I've had so much hurt in my heart with all that's been going on that I haven't even been able to write about it, it just made it too real and the lump in my throat just wouldn't go away for days...
It's incredible that one person can feel so much hurt, so raw and open and pulsing, feeling like I would break open if someone looked into my eyes and searched what was there...it's hard for me most of the time to look right in someone's eyes these days...I feel like most people can't take what they see in my gaze, and I don't want them to. I can barely take it sometimes.
My biggest hurt right now is the new realization of how close I came to losing everything that is important to me....and I don't mean my LIFE, because I knew that I would keep that...that was God's promise to me when he sent me back here to my broken body, where I'd wake up and ask over and over what happened to me, all the while knowing full well that I had nearly stayed on the other side, and often wished I had, because the pain in that broken body was so great I could barely stand it. Most of the time, I just thought over and over about my wedding day, about the births of each of my children, about every beautiful Christmas and birthday and first words and bike rides and HUGS...LAUGHTER...all of the things that we all experience in life but don't realize how huge and important they are...I thought of all of them, and they kept me strong. They helped me get well, they gave me courage in a time when I felt like a slight breeze would make my heart stop or cause my chest to cave...my babies kept me strong, my love for my husband kept me strong, my amazing family and friends that I knew were praying for me...you all kept me here, in your presence, and for that I will always be thankful.
I think it's also because of that love for my husband, my need to stay here and raise our children together, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him behind because of my selfish desire to stay in the beautiful place I visited while my body was so torn and battered...and that's why God brought me back, my angels carried me and told me to be strong, to breathe deep and heal, to dig in and work hard to get better so I could get home to my family and do the work God had here for me...and I am. I do it every day, and I know I belong here...for now. So, when Carl was so horrible to me, when his words were weapons and he used them to spear me and cut my beautiful soul (because it IS beautiful, we are all beautiful inside you know) I started to feel so much anger...I felt like he was murdering me, that I was dying inside even as my outside ceased to show the signs of my horrible battle to survive....and I can't ever make him understand that, and I don't ever want to try, because if he knew how badly he cut me in his struggle to deal with all that was on his shoulders during this awful time, he would never forgive himself. And I'm ok...I'm the strong one, I'm the one who will hold his hand and help him make sense of all this...I've known forever that this is my job in our marriage, to walk hand in hand with him and bring him to know himself and God better...so I forgive him...and I love him more every day, as I watch him learn more about himself, and open up to me in ways he's never opened to anyone...and loving him more as he tells me how he's understanding how amazing I am, and he understands my purpose here and is learning his own strengths...and I know it's worth it. I know we're on the right path, I know the strength we have now will not be shaken...and the hurts will be washed away, and the glue that bonds us will be unbreakable. So now I can finally cry over all the horrible words that were said, and the anger is gone, and the tears wash away the pain and forgiveness takes the place of fear and hurt. Thank God for this understanding, thank God for always having His hand on our hearts and bringing us through...I thought I was a strong person before...but now, I have no fear. I know I can do anything, because God is here, in my heart, and He keeps me safe.
It's incredible that one person can feel so much hurt, so raw and open and pulsing, feeling like I would break open if someone looked into my eyes and searched what was there...it's hard for me most of the time to look right in someone's eyes these days...I feel like most people can't take what they see in my gaze, and I don't want them to. I can barely take it sometimes.
My biggest hurt right now is the new realization of how close I came to losing everything that is important to me....and I don't mean my LIFE, because I knew that I would keep that...that was God's promise to me when he sent me back here to my broken body, where I'd wake up and ask over and over what happened to me, all the while knowing full well that I had nearly stayed on the other side, and often wished I had, because the pain in that broken body was so great I could barely stand it. Most of the time, I just thought over and over about my wedding day, about the births of each of my children, about every beautiful Christmas and birthday and first words and bike rides and HUGS...LAUGHTER...all of the things that we all experience in life but don't realize how huge and important they are...I thought of all of them, and they kept me strong. They helped me get well, they gave me courage in a time when I felt like a slight breeze would make my heart stop or cause my chest to cave...my babies kept me strong, my love for my husband kept me strong, my amazing family and friends that I knew were praying for me...you all kept me here, in your presence, and for that I will always be thankful.
I think it's also because of that love for my husband, my need to stay here and raise our children together, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him behind because of my selfish desire to stay in the beautiful place I visited while my body was so torn and battered...and that's why God brought me back, my angels carried me and told me to be strong, to breathe deep and heal, to dig in and work hard to get better so I could get home to my family and do the work God had here for me...and I am. I do it every day, and I know I belong here...for now. So, when Carl was so horrible to me, when his words were weapons and he used them to spear me and cut my beautiful soul (because it IS beautiful, we are all beautiful inside you know) I started to feel so much anger...I felt like he was murdering me, that I was dying inside even as my outside ceased to show the signs of my horrible battle to survive....and I can't ever make him understand that, and I don't ever want to try, because if he knew how badly he cut me in his struggle to deal with all that was on his shoulders during this awful time, he would never forgive himself. And I'm ok...I'm the strong one, I'm the one who will hold his hand and help him make sense of all this...I've known forever that this is my job in our marriage, to walk hand in hand with him and bring him to know himself and God better...so I forgive him...and I love him more every day, as I watch him learn more about himself, and open up to me in ways he's never opened to anyone...and loving him more as he tells me how he's understanding how amazing I am, and he understands my purpose here and is learning his own strengths...and I know it's worth it. I know we're on the right path, I know the strength we have now will not be shaken...and the hurts will be washed away, and the glue that bonds us will be unbreakable. So now I can finally cry over all the horrible words that were said, and the anger is gone, and the tears wash away the pain and forgiveness takes the place of fear and hurt. Thank God for this understanding, thank God for always having His hand on our hearts and bringing us through...I thought I was a strong person before...but now, I have no fear. I know I can do anything, because God is here, in my heart, and He keeps me safe.
Too Long
It's been too damn long since I posted in here...so much has happened over the last few months, so many things that have broken my heart and made me feel as though every step forward made me fall backward into a pit of muck. I hate that feeling.
School ended well, my GPA didn't suffer in spite of all the changes that had been going on around me. It's so funny to read these earlier posts, at a time when I was still so fragile in my world that I couldn't comprehend everything around me at once, I had to digest it in stages, like a 7 course meal that takes hours to finish.
I started taking anti-anxiety meds in April, after Carl having to slam on the brakes to avoid a fender bender and I blacked out...and my heart rate didn't return to normal for 4 days, causing me to take a trip to ER where they drugged me with Zanax and sent me home, to meet with my doctor later in the week. Now I'm on Celexa, and it helps me relax and has decreased my anxiety so much, I feel normal again.
Not long after my freak-out, Carl had a breakdown of his own. He's been steadily drinking more and more...never getting obnoxiously drunk or fall-down, piss-pants drunk, just having 5 or 6 beers a night, which is not something he's ever done before. I didn't say anything about it, i knew he was trying to cope and we've gone through this before, he hits bottom and realizes he's drinking too much, and he stops. I don't need to nag at him, he'll figure it out. Not this time. this time, he got mean. Not physical, but verbally abusive... After the first time, I had a long talk with him about needing to see the doc about antidepressants and going to counselling...it helped me so much to talk to someone else about all that was going on with me. He was all apologetic, promising to never get that way with me again, and I believed him. The second time, he came home from a night out with the boys absolutely drunk and mad as hell...he yelled and screamed and swore at me until I locked myself in my room and called his brother and best friend to come get him. When they got there, he was finally calm, but got all bent out of shape again and almost ended up fighting with his brother...I have never seen him like that before, so full of rage and hatred that he would swear at his wife and threaten his brother. I was so mad at him...but at the same time, I felt so sorry for him, I knew that he was struggling so much and trying so hard to find a way to deal with everything surrounding the car accident. We had a long talk, one of those conversations that continued for days, him promising to never treat me that way again, and me forgiving him and talking to my doc about his need for antidepressants, and if he had another outburst like that, he would have to go live somewhere else until he got help managing his anger. he agreed. Things were better for a while, and then 4th of July weekend, he was drinking at our family get-together and tripped and hurt himself in the dark...which the rest of us found hilarious until we realized he had been hurt, then we felt bad...but too late, he was furious and I was a f*cking bitch and a c*nt, and my family was shit and he punched my step dad's nephew in the face for taking a picture of him when he fell...it was so out of control and so totally out of character for him, I felt like I didn't even know him. He ended up leaving that night, driving home alone and calling my cell and leaving angry messages during the night...I stayed at mom's and the kids and I had fun...although I kept thinking about him and wondering what would happen next...but I had made up my mind...either he would get help, or he would be moving out. I divorced my first husband for the exact same behaviors my wonderful, dedicated 2nd husband was displaying...and it ripped my heart out. I would not put my family through that pain again. I got home from mom's at 9:30 the next night, and I tucked the kids into bed and just talked a little with Carl...I was still too hurt to be able to voice my full feelings and concerns, and I knew if I spoke before I had a handle on my emotions that our marriage would be over. The next day, we were able to talk, Carl was so sincerely sorry and would do anything to save our marriage but understood completely if I would want him to leave...I was so torn, I had told him if he did that one more time I would make him leave...and I really wanted him to leave...but I also knew I was not the source of his anger, I was just his target...so, he had a choice--go to counseling, go on antidepressants, stop drinking--or go find somewhere else to live. He's been on antidepressants since July, they have done wonders and he has been talking a lot to my doctor who is probably better than most counselors in the area. So we're ok. I think. Sometimes I'm so angry at him for treating me to poorly, after all we've been through. I had my moments too, i was hard on him and lashed out at him angrily and I made my counseling appointments and got help...I think that's why I was so mad, I saw my needs and took care of them...it took him almost losing me because of his stupid temper and insecurity, and all this after nearly losing me to a senseless car accident. Makes my blood boil. So now, we're better friends than we've ever been, more honest and appreciative of each other and talking things out before they get to be too much. So far, so good. The man I married and the sweet, sensitive person I knew was deep down inside there finally started to surface again. I think it's been scary to Carl that I have changed so much...in a good way, but it must be unnerving to him to see his wife changed like I have. I have such a deep understanding of why things work the way they do, and I live as if I don't have any time to waste...because I don't. I know that, and I think it's to scary and real for him to be able to deal with sometimes. I think he always knew he married a strong woman, but now he sometimes looks at me in awe, like I'm made of steel...but I know I'm made of stronger things than that. ;-)
School ended well, my GPA didn't suffer in spite of all the changes that had been going on around me. It's so funny to read these earlier posts, at a time when I was still so fragile in my world that I couldn't comprehend everything around me at once, I had to digest it in stages, like a 7 course meal that takes hours to finish.
I started taking anti-anxiety meds in April, after Carl having to slam on the brakes to avoid a fender bender and I blacked out...and my heart rate didn't return to normal for 4 days, causing me to take a trip to ER where they drugged me with Zanax and sent me home, to meet with my doctor later in the week. Now I'm on Celexa, and it helps me relax and has decreased my anxiety so much, I feel normal again.
Not long after my freak-out, Carl had a breakdown of his own. He's been steadily drinking more and more...never getting obnoxiously drunk or fall-down, piss-pants drunk, just having 5 or 6 beers a night, which is not something he's ever done before. I didn't say anything about it, i knew he was trying to cope and we've gone through this before, he hits bottom and realizes he's drinking too much, and he stops. I don't need to nag at him, he'll figure it out. Not this time. this time, he got mean. Not physical, but verbally abusive... After the first time, I had a long talk with him about needing to see the doc about antidepressants and going to counselling...it helped me so much to talk to someone else about all that was going on with me. He was all apologetic, promising to never get that way with me again, and I believed him. The second time, he came home from a night out with the boys absolutely drunk and mad as hell...he yelled and screamed and swore at me until I locked myself in my room and called his brother and best friend to come get him. When they got there, he was finally calm, but got all bent out of shape again and almost ended up fighting with his brother...I have never seen him like that before, so full of rage and hatred that he would swear at his wife and threaten his brother. I was so mad at him...but at the same time, I felt so sorry for him, I knew that he was struggling so much and trying so hard to find a way to deal with everything surrounding the car accident. We had a long talk, one of those conversations that continued for days, him promising to never treat me that way again, and me forgiving him and talking to my doc about his need for antidepressants, and if he had another outburst like that, he would have to go live somewhere else until he got help managing his anger. he agreed. Things were better for a while, and then 4th of July weekend, he was drinking at our family get-together and tripped and hurt himself in the dark...which the rest of us found hilarious until we realized he had been hurt, then we felt bad...but too late, he was furious and I was a f*cking bitch and a c*nt, and my family was shit and he punched my step dad's nephew in the face for taking a picture of him when he fell...it was so out of control and so totally out of character for him, I felt like I didn't even know him. He ended up leaving that night, driving home alone and calling my cell and leaving angry messages during the night...I stayed at mom's and the kids and I had fun...although I kept thinking about him and wondering what would happen next...but I had made up my mind...either he would get help, or he would be moving out. I divorced my first husband for the exact same behaviors my wonderful, dedicated 2nd husband was displaying...and it ripped my heart out. I would not put my family through that pain again. I got home from mom's at 9:30 the next night, and I tucked the kids into bed and just talked a little with Carl...I was still too hurt to be able to voice my full feelings and concerns, and I knew if I spoke before I had a handle on my emotions that our marriage would be over. The next day, we were able to talk, Carl was so sincerely sorry and would do anything to save our marriage but understood completely if I would want him to leave...I was so torn, I had told him if he did that one more time I would make him leave...and I really wanted him to leave...but I also knew I was not the source of his anger, I was just his target...so, he had a choice--go to counseling, go on antidepressants, stop drinking--or go find somewhere else to live. He's been on antidepressants since July, they have done wonders and he has been talking a lot to my doctor who is probably better than most counselors in the area. So we're ok. I think. Sometimes I'm so angry at him for treating me to poorly, after all we've been through. I had my moments too, i was hard on him and lashed out at him angrily and I made my counseling appointments and got help...I think that's why I was so mad, I saw my needs and took care of them...it took him almost losing me because of his stupid temper and insecurity, and all this after nearly losing me to a senseless car accident. Makes my blood boil. So now, we're better friends than we've ever been, more honest and appreciative of each other and talking things out before they get to be too much. So far, so good. The man I married and the sweet, sensitive person I knew was deep down inside there finally started to surface again. I think it's been scary to Carl that I have changed so much...in a good way, but it must be unnerving to him to see his wife changed like I have. I have such a deep understanding of why things work the way they do, and I live as if I don't have any time to waste...because I don't. I know that, and I think it's to scary and real for him to be able to deal with sometimes. I think he always knew he married a strong woman, but now he sometimes looks at me in awe, like I'm made of steel...but I know I'm made of stronger things than that. ;-)
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