Today, I go to court, maybe to give a "victim impact statement" about my feelings regarding the accident. I have thought so many times about what I would say when the time came, about all of the things that I want this man to understand...and I think what I'm most afraid of, is that he still won't get it. I'm afraid he still won't be able to see how horrible this has been for my family and I, and that he will be angry or display in some way his disdain for me because I am the one who is sentencing him...just thinking like an alcoholic does, and I am sure his anger for me is great, and that he blames this on me and not himself. I hope I'm wrong...I hope he has some sense of responsibility and remorse for what has happened...but I'm not holding my breath.
Maybe what I should do is type out what I want to say to this guy...maybe that would help me gather my thoughts and make sense of all the things I need him to become aware of.
I sit here today a healed woman, a stronger woman than I ever thought I would be, or NEED to be. I've recovered amazingly against nearly impossible odds, surprising my doctors, family, and everyone who knows me. You are probably sitting here thinking that I don't show any signs of the injuries I've recovered from...but I see it. I see my many scars, I feel it every day, as my hip and left leg don't move the way I want them to. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even now, 10 months later. My hands throb every day, my head is still numb, the left side of my face doesn't always move the way it should, and my eye, lips and chin bear scars that will not go away without more surgery that I'm not so eager to have...pain is something I've become too familiar with in the last 10 months, and voluntarily going through more pain is not high on my list. I am scatterbrained...the doctors say this is normal and should be resolved within a year, maybe 2 years of the accident...I'm forgetful and easily irritated or frustrated at times. I feel like an old woman now, like this has aged me more than day to day life ever would.
My family has suffered incredibly because of this accident. while I was in the hospital, my husband, mother and father would not leave my side for the first week. My brother and sister, my brother-in-law and his wife took turns caring for our kids while I was in and out of surgery, in and out of consciousness, in casts and on a ventilator. My children couldn't see me for nearly a week, my husband was afraid that it would be too scary to them, with all of the tubes and bandages and my swollen face. My babies had to go to bed each night without their mama tucking them in...something that's unheard of in my house. For nearly a month, my kids were tucked in by someone else, whether it was aunties or uncles, or grandma...but it wasn't me. Even after I returned home, thin as a rail and both arms in splints, in a wheelchair, I couldn't have my kids sit in my lap. I couldn't turn the pages of a book we would read, I couldn't bathe them or climb the stairs to tuck them in...I couldn't even bathe myself. I couldn't cook for my family, or clean our big house or do our laundry...thank God for my wonderful family and friends who visited and helped us with all of that.
I couldn't eat for almost a month, but received nourishment from an IV in my arm. My weight dropped to 121 pounds which, on a 5'10" frame, is not healthy.
When I think back to how difficult everything was, each day a struggle and each task seeming endless...I am not sure what kept my spirits so high. I didn't complain much, I just did what I could and pushed and pushed until the things I couldn't do started to come easily again. Brushing my teeth. Feeding myself. Showering alone. Dressing alone. Walking. I didn't walk for 2 months, and for 2 months after that it was with a walker. Doing laundry. Cooking a meal by myself. Opening a bottle or jar without help. I still can't ride a bike, or run like I used to. I couldn't drive for 4 months, and even then it was difficult to handle, emotionally. I missed 4 months of work, and had to take a semester off of nursing school to recover. I should have graduated in May, but now I won't be finished until this December. I can't wrestle with my boys like I did a year ago, or play ball every day in the yard with my kids. But I'm getting there...I hope I keep on getting better as I have been, I won't accept that I may not be 100% again, I'm just not ready to believe that.
My marriage has suffered terribly. We have a very strong commitment to each other and our children, but this accident and all of the circumstances surrounding it have tested our marriage to its absolute limit. It makes me sad to think that something totally out of my control has had such a negative affect on the most important things in my life. I have been taking anti-anxiety medication since April to help me handle the anxiety attacks I have while driving. My husband is taking antidepressants to help him cope with all of the horrible things he's dealt with, especially the awful time when, thank God, I was unconscious and don't remember.
I don't say all of these things to place blame, or to make anyone feel horrible over this accident. I just need to convey a tiny bit of what has been our lives over the last 10 months. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to understand everything we've been through, that is impossible. But I fully expect that Luke Fox will think about everything that his actions have meant to me, how his decision that day affected ME, my family, and our lives, and we'll never be the same again. I have already served my sentence because of his actions, and will probably do so for the rest of my life. In my future, my broken bones will most likely be pained with arthritis, my ruptured spleen leaves me vulnerable to infection and serious illness, and my family and I will never forget how fragile life is, or how uncertain. Children should never have to wonder if their mama is coming home, if she'll be ok again, and my kids were forced to deal with all of this--not because of my decision, but the decision of someone else. I wasn't given a choice. I just wanted to go to work that day. So I hope that I'm not the only driver who was forever changed by this accident, but that Luke Fox has learned a huge lesson as well, and that he will never again make the decision he made that morning. That is my greatest fear, that he is allowed to do this, or worse, to someone else.
