something in me just needs to come out tonight, I need to write and write and write, and pour my heart out like I haven't done in so long...I've had so much hurt in my heart with all that's been going on that I haven't even been able to write about it, it just made it too real and the lump in my throat just wouldn't go away for days...
It's incredible that one person can feel so much hurt, so raw and open and pulsing, feeling like I would break open if someone looked into my eyes and searched what was there...it's hard for me most of the time to look right in someone's eyes these days...I feel like most people can't take what they see in my gaze, and I don't want them to. I can barely take it sometimes.
My biggest hurt right now is the new realization of how close I came to losing everything that is important to me....and I don't mean my LIFE, because I knew that I would keep that...that was God's promise to me when he sent me back here to my broken body, where I'd wake up and ask over and over what happened to me, all the while knowing full well that I had nearly stayed on the other side, and often wished I had, because the pain in that broken body was so great I could barely stand it. Most of the time, I just thought over and over about my wedding day, about the births of each of my children, about every beautiful Christmas and birthday and first words and bike rides and HUGS...LAUGHTER...all of the things that we all experience in life but don't realize how huge and important they are...I thought of all of them, and they kept me strong. They helped me get well, they gave me courage in a time when I felt like a slight breeze would make my heart stop or cause my chest to cave...my babies kept me strong, my love for my husband kept me strong, my amazing family and friends that I knew were praying for me...you all kept me here, in your presence, and for that I will always be thankful.
I think it's also because of that love for my husband, my need to stay here and raise our children together, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him behind because of my selfish desire to stay in the beautiful place I visited while my body was so torn and battered...and that's why God brought me back, my angels carried me and told me to be strong, to breathe deep and heal, to dig in and work hard to get better so I could get home to my family and do the work God had here for me...and I am. I do it every day, and I know I belong here...for now. So, when Carl was so horrible to me, when his words were weapons and he used them to spear me and cut my beautiful soul (because it IS beautiful, we are all beautiful inside you know) I started to feel so much anger...I felt like he was murdering me, that I was dying inside even as my outside ceased to show the signs of my horrible battle to survive....and I can't ever make him understand that, and I don't ever want to try, because if he knew how badly he cut me in his struggle to deal with all that was on his shoulders during this awful time, he would never forgive himself. And I'm ok...I'm the strong one, I'm the one who will hold his hand and help him make sense of all this...I've known forever that this is my job in our marriage, to walk hand in hand with him and bring him to know himself and God better...so I forgive him...and I love him more every day, as I watch him learn more about himself, and open up to me in ways he's never opened to anyone...and loving him more as he tells me how he's understanding how amazing I am, and he understands my purpose here and is learning his own strengths...and I know it's worth it. I know we're on the right path, I know the strength we have now will not be shaken...and the hurts will be washed away, and the glue that bonds us will be unbreakable. So now I can finally cry over all the horrible words that were said, and the anger is gone, and the tears wash away the pain and forgiveness takes the place of fear and hurt. Thank God for this understanding, thank God for always having His hand on our hearts and bringing us through...I thought I was a strong person before...but now, I have no fear. I know I can do anything, because God is here, in my heart, and He keeps me safe.
