I was just reading through some of my posts from this last year...it makes me sad to realize how much of my hope and faith in myself has been lost. I find myself afraid of what tomorrow will bring, afraid of the pain that comes with no warning or pattern, afraid that I am becoming old far before my time. Where has my confidence gone? Where has my peace of mind gone, and my inner strength that has brought me this far? I'm afraid it's all gone, I feel like I have become a shell of a human again, that my skin has worn so thin from the trials of this year that my soul is showing through. Why do I feel this way? Head to toe:
Still have the numbness on the left side of my face, and my mind is still silly and forgetful; I can't cook a 5-course meal anymore, I burn or forget things and then I cry... My left shoulder has been giving me a lot of trouble, not sure why but I imagine arthritis has set in already. The hands are ok, giving me pain when I use any kind of force, which means, carrying a laundry basket or turning a wrench makes my wrist throb and my elbow hurt...LAME. I'm sick of it. I'm trying so hard to be normal, but my body is really not cooperating. My stomach has been acting up too, I think I am having minor bouts of pancreatitis, which the docs said I would have. Can't handle fat in my diet, which is ok because I've gotten fat over the last 6 months. Kinda hard to do anything when everything I do HURTS. The hip joint itself is doing quite well, I have NO pain directly in the joint which is WONDERFUL...I have some pain further down my leg, not sure if it's related to any mechanical problems or just more soft-tissue pain that will just haunt me now and then. I wish it was more THEN and less now, because I hurt all the time.
I miss work, I don't know if I'd even remember half of my job duties by now...so I play with the kids, and I read, and I bug my husband when he's home. :o) Keep on truckin, keep on keepin on, that's all I can do. It makes me sad to look back at all the optimism and joy I had when I used to post on here...I don't feel any of that anymore, I have really gotten depressed. Something has to give...I don't know what, but we've got to figure something out with this pain, I can't take it anymore.
Monday, December 31, 2007
Friday, August 31, 2007
Not back to work yet
Well, yet another doc visit with news I don't really want...they're thinking I've developed fibromyalgia because of the chronic and intense pain my body's been through over the last year and a half. What does that mean? That means I wake up each day with aches, drag my butt to my computer, take a handful of pills and wait an hour for them to kick in...then I become my chipper, normal, able-to-walk-without-groaning self. I am taking a medication that makes me sleep HARD because I was waking up every hour or two with pain...now, I don't wake up unless someone ROLLS my butt out of bed! The negative there is that if one of the kids wakes up with a nightmare or gets sick, I don't hear them...and when Carl's out of town for work, I can't take my medication because I can't risk not waking up to my kids if they need me. So, I go a week with little sleep, which means a lot more pain, and my kids just hug me because I get crabby.
This whole not being able to work thing is really wearing on me...I miss my job, I miss helping people who are less fortunate than myself, I miss my friends. (I know, stop whining) but some people would love the chance to be home all the time...I am not that person. I need to work, to feel I have a purpose and that I'm contributing to our large family. I am missing that. I love to be home with my family, but I must admit that I enjoy picking them up at daycare after a hard day's work just as much, and they are so much happier to see me then! I think they're tired of mom being around.
Kianna said to me the other day, with a beautiful beaming smile on her face, "Mama, remember when we went to the park, before your leg hurt so bad, and you pushed me higher and higher on the swings, and we rolled down the grass hill and chased frogs in the creek? That was my favorite day, I miss when you were like that." Me too baby, me too. Makes you wanna go out and club a drunk driver. But on and on we go, because it's not a choice, it's a necessity. The beautiful thing is, I don't know many people who are as blessed as we are, who have such a large, loving family, happy marriage, good friends. I have more to be thankful for than I have to complain about...most days. ;o)
This whole not being able to work thing is really wearing on me...I miss my job, I miss helping people who are less fortunate than myself, I miss my friends. (I know, stop whining) but some people would love the chance to be home all the time...I am not that person. I need to work, to feel I have a purpose and that I'm contributing to our large family. I am missing that. I love to be home with my family, but I must admit that I enjoy picking them up at daycare after a hard day's work just as much, and they are so much happier to see me then! I think they're tired of mom being around.
Kianna said to me the other day, with a beautiful beaming smile on her face, "Mama, remember when we went to the park, before your leg hurt so bad, and you pushed me higher and higher on the swings, and we rolled down the grass hill and chased frogs in the creek? That was my favorite day, I miss when you were like that." Me too baby, me too. Makes you wanna go out and club a drunk driver. But on and on we go, because it's not a choice, it's a necessity. The beautiful thing is, I don't know many people who are as blessed as we are, who have such a large, loving family, happy marriage, good friends. I have more to be thankful for than I have to complain about...most days. ;o)
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thoughts
Reaching for your hand, I feel the emptiness between our fingertips, I miss your hugs, I miss your bright blue eyes searching mine to be sure I was who I was...
I miss your laughs, the way my kids gravitated to you, looked up to you, looked to you for guidance and unconditional love...
The pain left by your absence cannot be filled by anyone, by anything, no matter what you may have thought. Now you know how very much you were, and continue to be loved.
The love we have for the new lives you left behind is unsurpassed by the love we had planted, nurtured, and grown for you. You can't be replaced, you can't be renamed, you are part of the sky, part of the sea, the earth, part of our hearts and we love you forever.
Connections and thoughts flow through my mind like a vapor, swirling in a neverending pattern of flight, I reach for you...sometimes, I feel you reaching back. Sometimes, I feel more alone than ever.
I miss your laughs, the way my kids gravitated to you, looked up to you, looked to you for guidance and unconditional love...
The pain left by your absence cannot be filled by anyone, by anything, no matter what you may have thought. Now you know how very much you were, and continue to be loved.
The love we have for the new lives you left behind is unsurpassed by the love we had planted, nurtured, and grown for you. You can't be replaced, you can't be renamed, you are part of the sky, part of the sea, the earth, part of our hearts and we love you forever.
Connections and thoughts flow through my mind like a vapor, swirling in a neverending pattern of flight, I reach for you...sometimes, I feel you reaching back. Sometimes, I feel more alone than ever.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
How Do I Go So Long Without Posting??
I was told recently that I need to write every time I get the urge, that my words will help many people, and that I should even consider writing a book. Someday, when I'm old and bored? LOL
The drunk driver that caused my accident is in jail. He's been in for about a month now, and has 17 more to serve. I don't know if he's able to get out on Huber, I haven't checked into it lately, but I wave hello everytime I drive past the jail. LMAO The best thing about him finally being sentenced was that I got to describe to him all the ways that mine and my family's lives were compromised because of this accident, and I reduced him to tears. Made me feel like he finally had an idea of the hell we had been through, and continue to pull ourselves out of.
I had a total hip replacement 3 months ago now. I'm doing pretty good...have to take it easy as the old screw holes in my femur from the first surgery are up against the metal rod that they inserted into my leg to get the new hip joint in there...so, I'd rather we didn't have to do more surgery because I was stubborn again this time and didn't listen to the doctor. So all summer, the kids and I have been at the beach or pool, and I lay around while they swim and play...could be worse. I'm trying to wean myself off the cane, and just when I think I'm doing better, I realize I overdid it and then I'm limping or doped up for a few days. Well, hell. I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I can still tell you when it's going to storm...every broken bone in my body aches to the point of tears.
Speaking of tears...my beautiful brother has been gone for 7 months now. Seven months today, actually...I never posted about it, it hurt too much to write about but I'd better write now. He was found by his wife, 6 months pregnant with his twin girls, when she got home from work. My sweet brother, 27 years old and the best daddy ever, had to leave us for a better world. Even though I know he's in a better place than us, he's the lucky one, my heart bleeds for him everyday...his beautiful twin girls were born 3 months TO THE DAY after he died, healthy and perfect, looking exactly like their daddy and mama both. Life is so cruel...life was too cruel for my brother to bear, it always was...and now he doesn't have the pain of living in this evil place anymore, and he can help all of the people he couldn't help when he was in physical form, and he is free of the hopelessness and heartache he couldn't shake when he was here. Even as my little brother, he taught me so much about living life to the fullest, not taking a single moment for granted, and in his death he has taught us all how precious our short time here has to be, and that we need to give and give as much as we can, because we never know how many days we have. I thought my accident had taught me that, but losing my brother socked it into my guts like a wrecking ball. I thought that surviving that accident was the most miraculous and yet, most disastrous thing our family could have endured...but losing my brother makes it pale by comparison. He has so many things to teach us from the spiritual world, I feel I'm only beginning to understand...and everyday for so many of us, my mother and dad, sister and sister-in-law...and his 4-year-old son...his twin girls that have been cheated of the greatest daddy...but I know he knew them before they were ever born, that their souls held each other as he passed from this world to the next, because they were soon passing from that world into this one. So often, I feel his hand on my shoulder, his face pressed next to mine as he always hugged me, I smell his cologne that I'll never know the name of but it was always my brother...my little-big brother, towering over me at 6ft 3in, handsome and full of life and joy...he hated to leave us but knew he had to go...we will miss him every single day that we have to be here without him. He never would have made the choice to leave his family, he would hate the idea of his kids growing up without their daddy, and his wife raising them alone...but that's the reality we're left with. Our family has learned that we are stronger than we ever thought we could be, we take turns holding each other up and loving one another, trying to make up for the love we lost in our Brian. Not fair, nothing about this world is fair...and it may sound morbid, but I actually welcome the day I don't have to live here anymore. I would never take my own life, I wouldn't do that to my family, but I can tell you this--we live in Hell on Earth. I can't wait to leave it.
The drunk driver that caused my accident is in jail. He's been in for about a month now, and has 17 more to serve. I don't know if he's able to get out on Huber, I haven't checked into it lately, but I wave hello everytime I drive past the jail. LMAO The best thing about him finally being sentenced was that I got to describe to him all the ways that mine and my family's lives were compromised because of this accident, and I reduced him to tears. Made me feel like he finally had an idea of the hell we had been through, and continue to pull ourselves out of.
I had a total hip replacement 3 months ago now. I'm doing pretty good...have to take it easy as the old screw holes in my femur from the first surgery are up against the metal rod that they inserted into my leg to get the new hip joint in there...so, I'd rather we didn't have to do more surgery because I was stubborn again this time and didn't listen to the doctor. So all summer, the kids and I have been at the beach or pool, and I lay around while they swim and play...could be worse. I'm trying to wean myself off the cane, and just when I think I'm doing better, I realize I overdid it and then I'm limping or doped up for a few days. Well, hell. I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I can still tell you when it's going to storm...every broken bone in my body aches to the point of tears.
Speaking of tears...my beautiful brother has been gone for 7 months now. Seven months today, actually...I never posted about it, it hurt too much to write about but I'd better write now. He was found by his wife, 6 months pregnant with his twin girls, when she got home from work. My sweet brother, 27 years old and the best daddy ever, had to leave us for a better world. Even though I know he's in a better place than us, he's the lucky one, my heart bleeds for him everyday...his beautiful twin girls were born 3 months TO THE DAY after he died, healthy and perfect, looking exactly like their daddy and mama both. Life is so cruel...life was too cruel for my brother to bear, it always was...and now he doesn't have the pain of living in this evil place anymore, and he can help all of the people he couldn't help when he was in physical form, and he is free of the hopelessness and heartache he couldn't shake when he was here. Even as my little brother, he taught me so much about living life to the fullest, not taking a single moment for granted, and in his death he has taught us all how precious our short time here has to be, and that we need to give and give as much as we can, because we never know how many days we have. I thought my accident had taught me that, but losing my brother socked it into my guts like a wrecking ball. I thought that surviving that accident was the most miraculous and yet, most disastrous thing our family could have endured...but losing my brother makes it pale by comparison. He has so many things to teach us from the spiritual world, I feel I'm only beginning to understand...and everyday for so many of us, my mother and dad, sister and sister-in-law...and his 4-year-old son...his twin girls that have been cheated of the greatest daddy...but I know he knew them before they were ever born, that their souls held each other as he passed from this world to the next, because they were soon passing from that world into this one. So often, I feel his hand on my shoulder, his face pressed next to mine as he always hugged me, I smell his cologne that I'll never know the name of but it was always my brother...my little-big brother, towering over me at 6ft 3in, handsome and full of life and joy...he hated to leave us but knew he had to go...we will miss him every single day that we have to be here without him. He never would have made the choice to leave his family, he would hate the idea of his kids growing up without their daddy, and his wife raising them alone...but that's the reality we're left with. Our family has learned that we are stronger than we ever thought we could be, we take turns holding each other up and loving one another, trying to make up for the love we lost in our Brian. Not fair, nothing about this world is fair...and it may sound morbid, but I actually welcome the day I don't have to live here anymore. I would never take my own life, I wouldn't do that to my family, but I can tell you this--we live in Hell on Earth. I can't wait to leave it.
Monday, January 01, 2007
Reflecting on this year...
Today I realized that there are so many others in the world that deserve to whine about their condition so much more than I do. I need to remember that I am very lucky to be alive, and I have use of ALL my limbs, (although limited in that damn leg) and that my mind is not affected...at least, not as much as it should have been considering how hard I hit my melon. LOL I still have numbness in the left side of my face, and even the tip of my tongue is numb...must have damaged my hypoglossal nerve, or the eighth cranial nerve...? I think that's how I remember it from A & P...
So anyway, Christmas was bittersweet again this year, as I was sad for being unable to take the kids sledding or ice skating for yet another snowy season (but we still don't have snow that sticks long enough to sled in for more than 4 hours, so weird for Wisconsin), and I'm still reminded by the scars on my face and body, and the pain in my hands, leg and back that I hope will someday stop making me think of how much my body has been through. But, the sweet part of Christmas is even more sweet than it ever was, because I have a greater appreciation for all of the things I took for granted before--having family together, and everyone healthy. Watching my kids open their presents, and remembering how close I was to not being here to do that with them last year. And I am doing so much better than I was a year ago...my spirit has healed tremendously, and my body has healed too. I still have shadows of pain in my hands and my left shoulder, and the hip hurts constantly due to the new fractures there thanks to avascular necrosis. That just sounds nasty, doesn't it? But overall I am doing so well...and I know I just need to give it more time and I'll feel better and better.
I am so thankful for the stronger, better person I have become, and the determination I thought I probably had but never had to use in such circumstances...and I have changed in so many ways. I have total faith in myself, and my faith in others has grown as well. I know I can overcome anything this life has to offer, and I know that I have a huge support system to help me if ever I need it again.
I graduated with scholastic honors from the practical nursing program, and was chosen as Outstanding Practical Nursing Student of 2006...only 1 semester later than I had planned, so the accident really didn't set me back that far academically. Now, I study for boards and I'm taking 2 RN prep classes starting Jan 15, and hopefully I'll be able to land a part-time LPN job by spring so I can make some money while I'm finishing my degree...but who am I kidding?? I won't really be finished until I have my master's, and also certified in midwifery, but I am waiting until my kids are older to tackle those hurdles...they deserve to have their mommy around more while they need me most, and my career is not important enough to me to sacrifice these important years with my babies...one of whom is taller than me at 13 years old!! Who said they could grow up so fast??
So we're looking forward to a new year, a better year, a year in which we are finally able to have some relief financially because I just have a feeling things are going to work out that way...my dream job is waiting, I just have to keep my eyes peeled. And the kids are all so amazing, they are so resilient and beautiful, and I adore them. Carl and I are so lucky to have the privilege of watching our babies grow up, for the privilege of teaching them, and helping to shape them into the amazing little people that they are.
Thank you, Lord, for having faith in me to raise so many babies and to do well by my children, and blessing us all with your love, strength and courage to do our best in your name, always. Thanks for our wonderful friends and family, whom we feel so blessed to have in our lives, and we are always looking for opportunities to be able to return the grace that has been shown to us in our time of need. :)))))) I'm full of holiday spirit and warm fuzzies today...
So anyway, Christmas was bittersweet again this year, as I was sad for being unable to take the kids sledding or ice skating for yet another snowy season (but we still don't have snow that sticks long enough to sled in for more than 4 hours, so weird for Wisconsin), and I'm still reminded by the scars on my face and body, and the pain in my hands, leg and back that I hope will someday stop making me think of how much my body has been through. But, the sweet part of Christmas is even more sweet than it ever was, because I have a greater appreciation for all of the things I took for granted before--having family together, and everyone healthy. Watching my kids open their presents, and remembering how close I was to not being here to do that with them last year. And I am doing so much better than I was a year ago...my spirit has healed tremendously, and my body has healed too. I still have shadows of pain in my hands and my left shoulder, and the hip hurts constantly due to the new fractures there thanks to avascular necrosis. That just sounds nasty, doesn't it? But overall I am doing so well...and I know I just need to give it more time and I'll feel better and better.
I am so thankful for the stronger, better person I have become, and the determination I thought I probably had but never had to use in such circumstances...and I have changed in so many ways. I have total faith in myself, and my faith in others has grown as well. I know I can overcome anything this life has to offer, and I know that I have a huge support system to help me if ever I need it again.
I graduated with scholastic honors from the practical nursing program, and was chosen as Outstanding Practical Nursing Student of 2006...only 1 semester later than I had planned, so the accident really didn't set me back that far academically. Now, I study for boards and I'm taking 2 RN prep classes starting Jan 15, and hopefully I'll be able to land a part-time LPN job by spring so I can make some money while I'm finishing my degree...but who am I kidding?? I won't really be finished until I have my master's, and also certified in midwifery, but I am waiting until my kids are older to tackle those hurdles...they deserve to have their mommy around more while they need me most, and my career is not important enough to me to sacrifice these important years with my babies...one of whom is taller than me at 13 years old!! Who said they could grow up so fast??
So we're looking forward to a new year, a better year, a year in which we are finally able to have some relief financially because I just have a feeling things are going to work out that way...my dream job is waiting, I just have to keep my eyes peeled. And the kids are all so amazing, they are so resilient and beautiful, and I adore them. Carl and I are so lucky to have the privilege of watching our babies grow up, for the privilege of teaching them, and helping to shape them into the amazing little people that they are.
Thank you, Lord, for having faith in me to raise so many babies and to do well by my children, and blessing us all with your love, strength and courage to do our best in your name, always. Thanks for our wonderful friends and family, whom we feel so blessed to have in our lives, and we are always looking for opportunities to be able to return the grace that has been shown to us in our time of need. :)))))) I'm full of holiday spirit and warm fuzzies today...
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