Well, yet another doc visit with news I don't really want...they're thinking I've developed fibromyalgia because of the chronic and intense pain my body's been through over the last year and a half. What does that mean? That means I wake up each day with aches, drag my butt to my computer, take a handful of pills and wait an hour for them to kick in...then I become my chipper, normal, able-to-walk-without-groaning self. I am taking a medication that makes me sleep HARD because I was waking up every hour or two with pain...now, I don't wake up unless someone ROLLS my butt out of bed! The negative there is that if one of the kids wakes up with a nightmare or gets sick, I don't hear them...and when Carl's out of town for work, I can't take my medication because I can't risk not waking up to my kids if they need me. So, I go a week with little sleep, which means a lot more pain, and my kids just hug me because I get crabby.
This whole not being able to work thing is really wearing on me...I miss my job, I miss helping people who are less fortunate than myself, I miss my friends. (I know, stop whining) but some people would love the chance to be home all the time...I am not that person. I need to work, to feel I have a purpose and that I'm contributing to our large family. I am missing that. I love to be home with my family, but I must admit that I enjoy picking them up at daycare after a hard day's work just as much, and they are so much happier to see me then! I think they're tired of mom being around.
Kianna said to me the other day, with a beautiful beaming smile on her face, "Mama, remember when we went to the park, before your leg hurt so bad, and you pushed me higher and higher on the swings, and we rolled down the grass hill and chased frogs in the creek? That was my favorite day, I miss when you were like that." Me too baby, me too. Makes you wanna go out and club a drunk driver. But on and on we go, because it's not a choice, it's a necessity. The beautiful thing is, I don't know many people who are as blessed as we are, who have such a large, loving family, happy marriage, good friends. I have more to be thankful for than I have to complain about...most days. ;o)
Friday, August 31, 2007
Thursday, August 23, 2007
Thoughts
Reaching for your hand, I feel the emptiness between our fingertips, I miss your hugs, I miss your bright blue eyes searching mine to be sure I was who I was...
I miss your laughs, the way my kids gravitated to you, looked up to you, looked to you for guidance and unconditional love...
The pain left by your absence cannot be filled by anyone, by anything, no matter what you may have thought. Now you know how very much you were, and continue to be loved.
The love we have for the new lives you left behind is unsurpassed by the love we had planted, nurtured, and grown for you. You can't be replaced, you can't be renamed, you are part of the sky, part of the sea, the earth, part of our hearts and we love you forever.
Connections and thoughts flow through my mind like a vapor, swirling in a neverending pattern of flight, I reach for you...sometimes, I feel you reaching back. Sometimes, I feel more alone than ever.
I miss your laughs, the way my kids gravitated to you, looked up to you, looked to you for guidance and unconditional love...
The pain left by your absence cannot be filled by anyone, by anything, no matter what you may have thought. Now you know how very much you were, and continue to be loved.
The love we have for the new lives you left behind is unsurpassed by the love we had planted, nurtured, and grown for you. You can't be replaced, you can't be renamed, you are part of the sky, part of the sea, the earth, part of our hearts and we love you forever.
Connections and thoughts flow through my mind like a vapor, swirling in a neverending pattern of flight, I reach for you...sometimes, I feel you reaching back. Sometimes, I feel more alone than ever.
Wednesday, August 15, 2007
How Do I Go So Long Without Posting??
I was told recently that I need to write every time I get the urge, that my words will help many people, and that I should even consider writing a book. Someday, when I'm old and bored? LOL
The drunk driver that caused my accident is in jail. He's been in for about a month now, and has 17 more to serve. I don't know if he's able to get out on Huber, I haven't checked into it lately, but I wave hello everytime I drive past the jail. LMAO The best thing about him finally being sentenced was that I got to describe to him all the ways that mine and my family's lives were compromised because of this accident, and I reduced him to tears. Made me feel like he finally had an idea of the hell we had been through, and continue to pull ourselves out of.
I had a total hip replacement 3 months ago now. I'm doing pretty good...have to take it easy as the old screw holes in my femur from the first surgery are up against the metal rod that they inserted into my leg to get the new hip joint in there...so, I'd rather we didn't have to do more surgery because I was stubborn again this time and didn't listen to the doctor. So all summer, the kids and I have been at the beach or pool, and I lay around while they swim and play...could be worse. I'm trying to wean myself off the cane, and just when I think I'm doing better, I realize I overdid it and then I'm limping or doped up for a few days. Well, hell. I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I can still tell you when it's going to storm...every broken bone in my body aches to the point of tears.
Speaking of tears...my beautiful brother has been gone for 7 months now. Seven months today, actually...I never posted about it, it hurt too much to write about but I'd better write now. He was found by his wife, 6 months pregnant with his twin girls, when she got home from work. My sweet brother, 27 years old and the best daddy ever, had to leave us for a better world. Even though I know he's in a better place than us, he's the lucky one, my heart bleeds for him everyday...his beautiful twin girls were born 3 months TO THE DAY after he died, healthy and perfect, looking exactly like their daddy and mama both. Life is so cruel...life was too cruel for my brother to bear, it always was...and now he doesn't have the pain of living in this evil place anymore, and he can help all of the people he couldn't help when he was in physical form, and he is free of the hopelessness and heartache he couldn't shake when he was here. Even as my little brother, he taught me so much about living life to the fullest, not taking a single moment for granted, and in his death he has taught us all how precious our short time here has to be, and that we need to give and give as much as we can, because we never know how many days we have. I thought my accident had taught me that, but losing my brother socked it into my guts like a wrecking ball. I thought that surviving that accident was the most miraculous and yet, most disastrous thing our family could have endured...but losing my brother makes it pale by comparison. He has so many things to teach us from the spiritual world, I feel I'm only beginning to understand...and everyday for so many of us, my mother and dad, sister and sister-in-law...and his 4-year-old son...his twin girls that have been cheated of the greatest daddy...but I know he knew them before they were ever born, that their souls held each other as he passed from this world to the next, because they were soon passing from that world into this one. So often, I feel his hand on my shoulder, his face pressed next to mine as he always hugged me, I smell his cologne that I'll never know the name of but it was always my brother...my little-big brother, towering over me at 6ft 3in, handsome and full of life and joy...he hated to leave us but knew he had to go...we will miss him every single day that we have to be here without him. He never would have made the choice to leave his family, he would hate the idea of his kids growing up without their daddy, and his wife raising them alone...but that's the reality we're left with. Our family has learned that we are stronger than we ever thought we could be, we take turns holding each other up and loving one another, trying to make up for the love we lost in our Brian. Not fair, nothing about this world is fair...and it may sound morbid, but I actually welcome the day I don't have to live here anymore. I would never take my own life, I wouldn't do that to my family, but I can tell you this--we live in Hell on Earth. I can't wait to leave it.
The drunk driver that caused my accident is in jail. He's been in for about a month now, and has 17 more to serve. I don't know if he's able to get out on Huber, I haven't checked into it lately, but I wave hello everytime I drive past the jail. LMAO The best thing about him finally being sentenced was that I got to describe to him all the ways that mine and my family's lives were compromised because of this accident, and I reduced him to tears. Made me feel like he finally had an idea of the hell we had been through, and continue to pull ourselves out of.
I had a total hip replacement 3 months ago now. I'm doing pretty good...have to take it easy as the old screw holes in my femur from the first surgery are up against the metal rod that they inserted into my leg to get the new hip joint in there...so, I'd rather we didn't have to do more surgery because I was stubborn again this time and didn't listen to the doctor. So all summer, the kids and I have been at the beach or pool, and I lay around while they swim and play...could be worse. I'm trying to wean myself off the cane, and just when I think I'm doing better, I realize I overdid it and then I'm limping or doped up for a few days. Well, hell. I guess it's gonna have to hurt. I can still tell you when it's going to storm...every broken bone in my body aches to the point of tears.
Speaking of tears...my beautiful brother has been gone for 7 months now. Seven months today, actually...I never posted about it, it hurt too much to write about but I'd better write now. He was found by his wife, 6 months pregnant with his twin girls, when she got home from work. My sweet brother, 27 years old and the best daddy ever, had to leave us for a better world. Even though I know he's in a better place than us, he's the lucky one, my heart bleeds for him everyday...his beautiful twin girls were born 3 months TO THE DAY after he died, healthy and perfect, looking exactly like their daddy and mama both. Life is so cruel...life was too cruel for my brother to bear, it always was...and now he doesn't have the pain of living in this evil place anymore, and he can help all of the people he couldn't help when he was in physical form, and he is free of the hopelessness and heartache he couldn't shake when he was here. Even as my little brother, he taught me so much about living life to the fullest, not taking a single moment for granted, and in his death he has taught us all how precious our short time here has to be, and that we need to give and give as much as we can, because we never know how many days we have. I thought my accident had taught me that, but losing my brother socked it into my guts like a wrecking ball. I thought that surviving that accident was the most miraculous and yet, most disastrous thing our family could have endured...but losing my brother makes it pale by comparison. He has so many things to teach us from the spiritual world, I feel I'm only beginning to understand...and everyday for so many of us, my mother and dad, sister and sister-in-law...and his 4-year-old son...his twin girls that have been cheated of the greatest daddy...but I know he knew them before they were ever born, that their souls held each other as he passed from this world to the next, because they were soon passing from that world into this one. So often, I feel his hand on my shoulder, his face pressed next to mine as he always hugged me, I smell his cologne that I'll never know the name of but it was always my brother...my little-big brother, towering over me at 6ft 3in, handsome and full of life and joy...he hated to leave us but knew he had to go...we will miss him every single day that we have to be here without him. He never would have made the choice to leave his family, he would hate the idea of his kids growing up without their daddy, and his wife raising them alone...but that's the reality we're left with. Our family has learned that we are stronger than we ever thought we could be, we take turns holding each other up and loving one another, trying to make up for the love we lost in our Brian. Not fair, nothing about this world is fair...and it may sound morbid, but I actually welcome the day I don't have to live here anymore. I would never take my own life, I wouldn't do that to my family, but I can tell you this--we live in Hell on Earth. I can't wait to leave it.
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