Crying

Well,I finally had the good cry I've been needing but for some reason just couldn't have...and once I opened the floodgates, it was hard to stop. I cried and yelled and swore and prayed, and wow,did I feel better when I was done. I needed that. I cried for all the tears everyone else has shed over my accident and all the worries, the pain, the inconvenience, the frustration, the sadness,the anger...the whole damn messin thing. I can't believe it took me this long to get to that point. I feel so much better now, like a big weight of sadness has been lifted from me. I know I'm so much better off now than I was 2 months, or even ONE month ago, but sometimes I just need to be sad.

My wedding rings should finally be fixed. We took them in 2 weeks ago, and I hope they were able to do something with them...I miss wearing them. I'm glad my left hand is finally healed enough for me to be able to wear them. Now if I could just get full use of it back...

What a GREAT day!

I felt so great today. I cleaned house, and did laundry, and straightened the kids' rooms even...usually I make them do that...and I hung out with Carl and Brian at work and went shopping with the kids and Carl, and came home to have supper and watch my American Idol. It was just a NICE day...pain wasn't horrible, I'm happy instead of trying not to be sad all the time...I just felt...GOOD. Gave the kids a bath, organized their things for daycare, gave Natalia her medicine and tucked them all in bed...attempted to help Zack with homework but when you leave your books at school it's hard to make use of them BOY I'M GONNA SMACK HIM UP!!! ugh. Love him to pieces but he is such a hardcore slacker I can hardly stand it sometimes. He must get that from his dad. LOL Nah, I was almost as bad in middle school...and high school even, until I found out I was pregnant with Zack. I don't want him to need the same incentive to get good grades and finish school...somehow I doubt it'd have the same affect on a male...ya think??

PJ told me he had his first kiss today...on the cheek. I told him he's grounded til he's 30. "Mom, WHY 30?" "Because by then you'll be mature enough to THINK about kissing girls."

Such a good day...a perfectly normal, less-than-usual achiness day. I needed that.

Reflecting

After an accident like this, I think about the mysterious ways of God...how any one of my many injuries could have been fatal, but God pulled me through. I think about the warning that came to me, the messages I kept trying to ignore, the feeling of impending doom that Carl and I both couldn't shake for 2 months before my accident...I think that was my angels trying to warn us. Then I think of the gifts I've taken from this--I've learned to see the good in people where before I only saw selfishness and cruelty...I've learned to never take a single minute for granted, to fully live and enjoy every breath. And I do! I really do now! I've learned that this family is strong enough to get through anything...and that I'm not wasting any more time. Everything I do has a purpose, a goal, a result--God gave me a second chance, I'm not wasting it. But my focus has shifted, I am intent on making a difference in my kids, in ALL my relationships, by always being open, and knowing that I'm here to serve, to do God's will. I learned that I was going way too fast in life--full-time work and school and kids...and now, it's just been about the kids--and that's how it should be. I'll never do that again. In fact, when I'm done with school, I might continue to work just one day a week, I owe it to the kids to be here more. My own personal goals are not more important than spending time teaching and loving my family. I also know that we are all teachers, we all have something to learn from one another, and something to teach one another. I learn some of life's greatest lessons from my kids! I think the hardest thing about being a parent is letting your kids make their mistakes, even when you want so much to protect them, and you KNOW they're not making the right choice...but you have to let them go, and learn for themselves. One day, as I sat here alone, it hit me--as hard as it is for me to do that for my kids--God does that for ALL of us by giving us free will, he watches us crash against the rocks and break our bodies and souls trying to find our way in the world, knowing that His way and His teachings make things so much easier to bear. The heartache and the burden He bears for us in that way...it was completely overwhelming, that His love is that great that He takes on all of that heartache. I broke down in tears that day, and cried like an errant child, and asked God's forgiveness and strength to make it through this and to do His will every day of my life. I want my teaching to be positive, I want people to be able to take away something good from their relationship with me, whether it's a 5-second conversation in the gas store or a lifelong companionship like my marriage, or my relationships with my kids. So, these are just a few of the blessings I've taken away from the heartache. I won't let the negative results of this accident cast a shadow over all of the beautiful things I've learned, I can't. It hurts too much to see it that way.

Prayer

This week, I am holding a special place in my prayers for some great people. My sister-in-law's mom, who has been fighting throat cancer, has been given 2-6 weeks to live. I don't know her well, but she is one of those people who absolutely dotes on her family...like Grampa. She's a gentle, loving person, and I'm so sad for Sheri that they are close to losing her. I offered to do hospice care for her when the time comes...Stu and Sheri were so good to us when I was in the hospital...they took care of Natalia for about 2 weeks of that time, maybe more...I don't remember everything about that now...man they drugged me up. lol But truly, I would be so honored to help them in any way I could, and hospice care is my specialty...well, it was once upon a time. You never forget how to do that kind of work though...

My mom's boss had a daughter who was in a very serious car accident, which left her with permanent brain damage, leaving her unable to make wise decisions for her 2 kids...she tried so hard to be a good mom, but her disability prevented her from that, and she was unable to let herself get the help she needed...pushing her family away and eventually the state took her kids away...and gave them to Mom's boss. Within weeks, Lindsay commit suicide, which sounds like it was something that she had tried before or the family was all afraid she'd do...what a horrible existence...to want so much to be able to achieve the things you want in life, but knowing that you just aren't capable of doing it without so much help. Reminded me of Shawn. I know she's in a beautiful place now, and she's at peace and doesn't know the torture that she did while she was alive...but I am keeping Denise and her other children and her grandchildren in my prayers. I've said it before and I'll say it again--God doesn't bring these horrible things upon us, but he does give us the tools to deal with them--the strength, wisdom, forgiveness, and grace. Most of all, love--some days, I don't know what I'd do without the warmth of God's love surrounding me. I pray that Sheri's family and Denise's family have that same warmth, that sense of peace. God, be with them during this awful time, and open their hearts to the gifts you're offering to help them deal with their tragedy--you are gracious and loving, and will lead them through this, and they'll become stronger and closer to you through your love. AMEN.

Mondays...

Well, as we recover from a stomach virus and ear infections, life is still ok. All of the kids but PJ were sick, and PJ just slept for 2 days straight which is what he decides to do instead of being sick like the rest of us. LOL! ALL LAST WEEK I had sick kids at home...I am exhausted. I had a final yesterday, and didn't study at all for it because I had sick kids to take care of, so I was a little nervous--til the teacher emailed me and said I only needed to get a 39% to pass the class! HA! But I got a 98%. Should have been 100%, but I second guessed myself on 2 questions. So now, I sit around on my ass and get fat for another month before I'm back in school 2 days a week again.
I spend so much time thinking about how bad I want to be back at work...and then I think, I just can't do it, I just can't do it yet...I'm scared I don't have the strength, my doctor doesn't think I'll have the endurance, and after running errands or attending a 3-hour class, I am wiped out...and my hands hurt so bad, and I'm limping. I don't know....I just want to make sure I'm ok, that I'm not heading back to work before I'm well enough to do it...I can't deal with another setback and if I push myself too hard, that's what I'll get. I see my doc on Thursday. I'll ask him what he thinks about all of this. Last week he didn't think I should be worrying about work yet. LOL Maybe this week he'll change his mind? lmao come on Lisa...
I'm also going to ask the doc to refer me to a dermatologist to get the scars lasered off my face. Everyone says they're not that bad, but they don't have to live with them. And like anyone's going to tell me they are hideous? I doubt it LOL. Makeup covers them pretty well but I don't like wearing that much makeup, I'm not a damn movie star. I don't think it's fair that I should have to put up with them, they weren't there before the accident and I am all for erasing any clues to the hell I went through. I'm so self-conscious, I hate when people look at me when I'm out in public because I think they're looking at my scars and wondering what happened to me. Carl and Mom say they're looking at me because I'm pretty...I never believed that before the accident, and they expect me to believe it now? LMAO silly fools...mwa ha haha ha...

Kids must play...

Last night, Gabe and Kianna were playing house at the top of the stairs, with teddy bears and dolls. Kianna had a "momma bear" and she laid her on the ground, and took a toy car with Elmo in it, and said "elmo is lucas fox, and he is going to run over mama." She then takes the car, and crashes it into the mama bear, and then she and Gabe go through this whole ordeal where mom is in the hospital, and daddy brings the kids to see her, and she's hurt and tired, and then Gabe takes the elmo car, and says, "Lucas, you are a bad bad man for hurting my mama" and he throws the car down the stairs. I said, "Gabe, what happened to Lucas?" and he says, "He crashed up. He crashed in his own accident because he did something stupid, so now he's hurt and no one's helping him." Out of the mouths of babes...ok Gabe, a little morbid maybe, but at least he's finding a way to get out his feelings? LOL It's good to see the kids acting out their feelings instead of just holding it all in. I think Gabe is the one who's been the most affected by it, and he's finally calming down and becoming more like the "old" Gabe. My poor babies...I'd go through this pain every day for the rest of my life if I could take away all of the hurt this accident has put on my kids. It's just such a relief that things are slowly but surely returning to the way they were. And I keep reminding myself, the docs all tell me it could be a year or more before I feel 100% back to "me." That's a long time to wait for relief from someone else's big mistake. But I'm glad I've got the time! Thank God for that...

Happy and Sad

I'm happy today, and sad. Happy because the other night, I was cuddling my baby girl as she fell asleep on me, and listening to the other kids snoozing in their beds, and my hubby's snoring quietly next to me...and I realized, if life never gets any better than this, I am perfectly happy. Perfectly happy...I have my beautiful, healthy children, a great husband who, even though he pisses me off and I gripe a little about him, is a great dad and a wonderful match for me. I am a lucky girl. I have everything I ever wanted, and I feel so blessed.

I'm sad lately though...I think I'm finally wearing down, I'm finally feeling fed up with the pain, and being restricted by my healing hands and other various body parts...I just want to be back to normal. I am able to do so much more now than I could when I was first home, but sometimes I hurt more than I did then, because I'm pushing myself. I'm stronger, so I'm probably exerting more force on fragile bones, and I better quit it. LOL I just can't sit here doing nothing anymore...there's too much to do and I want to be the one doing it. I just want to be better...I want to be able to pick up and cuddle Gabe and Kianna, and take them all sledding and carry them to bed when they fall asleep in the car on the way home...I want to go ice skating and play hockey with PJ and Zack...I want to have them home with me every day so I can take care of them, instead of one day a week, which leaves me sore as hell and exhausted but I miss them so much I push through it. I'm here alone 4 days a week and it's just lonely and boring and...frustrating. School doesn't start full time for me until March, so here I be. UGH.

I see my ortho surgeon on Valentine's Day...maybe he'll tell me I can go back to work on modified duty...or maybe he'll laugh at me because I'm limping worse this week than I was 2 weeks ago, because I've been walking so much everyday and those muscles tire so fast. I don't know what he'll say...I don't know if I'm ready for work yet or not. I wish I was...but I don't think I am. I have to get a handle on the pain in my hands and figure out why the hell I hurt so much more now than I did a while back.

Got a letter from the D.A. the other day...the investigation for the case has begun, and the trial starts in May. He was dumb to plead not guilty and allow this to go to trial...his sentence will be stiffer once the entire story of my injuries and losses comes into play...if he had admitted some fault right away they would have just sentenced him and been done with it, but now I have a feeling he'll be getting nailed to the wall. I am angry though, that he is walking around, a free man, for months...and I've had months of a sentence of my own, because of his actions. It's not seething anger, or uncontrolled anger...just kind of...sad, disgusted. What a pukebag.