Reflecting

After an accident like this, I think about the mysterious ways of God...how any one of my many injuries could have been fatal, but God pulled me through. I think about the warning that came to me, the messages I kept trying to ignore, the feeling of impending doom that Carl and I both couldn't shake for 2 months before my accident...I think that was my angels trying to warn us. Then I think of the gifts I've taken from this--I've learned to see the good in people where before I only saw selfishness and cruelty...I've learned to never take a single minute for granted, to fully live and enjoy every breath. And I do! I really do now! I've learned that this family is strong enough to get through anything...and that I'm not wasting any more time. Everything I do has a purpose, a goal, a result--God gave me a second chance, I'm not wasting it. But my focus has shifted, I am intent on making a difference in my kids, in ALL my relationships, by always being open, and knowing that I'm here to serve, to do God's will. I learned that I was going way too fast in life--full-time work and school and kids...and now, it's just been about the kids--and that's how it should be. I'll never do that again. In fact, when I'm done with school, I might continue to work just one day a week, I owe it to the kids to be here more. My own personal goals are not more important than spending time teaching and loving my family. I also know that we are all teachers, we all have something to learn from one another, and something to teach one another. I learn some of life's greatest lessons from my kids! I think the hardest thing about being a parent is letting your kids make their mistakes, even when you want so much to protect them, and you KNOW they're not making the right choice...but you have to let them go, and learn for themselves. One day, as I sat here alone, it hit me--as hard as it is for me to do that for my kids--God does that for ALL of us by giving us free will, he watches us crash against the rocks and break our bodies and souls trying to find our way in the world, knowing that His way and His teachings make things so much easier to bear. The heartache and the burden He bears for us in that way...it was completely overwhelming, that His love is that great that He takes on all of that heartache. I broke down in tears that day, and cried like an errant child, and asked God's forgiveness and strength to make it through this and to do His will every day of my life. I want my teaching to be positive, I want people to be able to take away something good from their relationship with me, whether it's a 5-second conversation in the gas store or a lifelong companionship like my marriage, or my relationships with my kids. So, these are just a few of the blessings I've taken away from the heartache. I won't let the negative results of this accident cast a shadow over all of the beautiful things I've learned, I can't. It hurts too much to see it that way.