I went shopping this week, I needed new jeans. I graduated from a size 3/4 to a 7...yippee! I never thought I'd be so excited to go UP a size or two. I was a size 8 before the accident, so I think this is as close as I'll get to normal until I can build some more muscle. Carl says I'm too skinny but he liked my J-Lo butt I had goin on before, so he can grow his own J-Lo butt. LMAO I was looking at some pictures from Christmastime, and oh my GOD was I thin...my hipbones jutted out and my face was so drawn...sunken eyes...I could have been a meth-head. I'm so glad I am more back to normal now. Carl said I looked like a crack-ho when I was 124 pounds. I guess when you're 5' 10" tall, 124 isn't cute? hmm...
I've been doing lots of walking and therapy exercises lately to strengthen these poor muscles. I am so sore at night, I am just limping around...and my hands ache so badly, I just whine. I know those of you who know me well can't imagine me whining, but this does have me whining this week...ask Carl. LOL So I'm frustrated lately, I feel like I'm doing all I can to get stronger and back to normal, but it hurts so bad, am I going to have to take a step back, or go on stronger meds to bring me through? Pisses me off...I try so hard to get better, but when a day's hard work and progress means 3 days of limping around and hurting so much, I just want to cry. I think there's permanent damage to my left hand...not severe enough to prevent me from doing things, but the knuckle joint doesn't move right, like it's not anchored by the tendon the way it should be...they did mention a tear in the tendon, but I didn't have strength enough to notice the change in movement until now. And I still can't make a fist. It's so unfair. But what the hell is fair in this world anyway? As Gabe's 4-K teacher says, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Hell yeah, it sucks but what can I do but go on, and be thankful for the incredible blessings I have in my life...and there are so many. :o) I miss work so much...next week I meet with the surgeon again and hopefully he'll give me some idea of how ready I am to go back. I know there's no way I could do a 12-hour day right now, but 4? UGH I need to do something. School isn't on full-time until next month, so what the hell am I going to do around here for another month?? I've decided what color I want to paint each room, and designed a deck to take the place of the front porch someday, and if I rearrange anyone's rooms again someone may hurt me. LOL
So, court was Tuesday. They are doing a full investigation and will change his sentence based on the full extent of my injuries, and I will have some input into what his sentence is. This is where the conflicting interests come into play...I want him to have the maximum, but I also want him able to work so he can pay out his nose for my medical bills.
Tuesday was the first time I had seen the face of the guy who completely altered the course of my life. Usually, one says that about someone who has a special "spark," a glimmer of intelligence or charisma, someone who's inspired them to become better than they imagined they could be...and I say that about some megacephalic FAS baby who has no clue what responsibility is. He eerily reminded me of Mom's ex-husband, Roger...doesn't have a clue how his actions affected anyone else, and how can it possibly be his fault?? I was sick to my stomach even looking at him...and I can honestly say now, I have no sympathy for him whatsoever, he will get exactly what he deserves and all I can do is pray that it reaches through that thick skull of his so he never does this to someone again....but I doubt he'll feel anything but anger toward me for doing this to him, and he'll probably be counting the days until he can get wasted again. I really believe that. Pretty sick...
