I was just reading through some of my posts from this last year...it makes me sad to realize how much of my hope and faith in myself has been lost. I find myself afraid of what tomorrow will bring, afraid of the pain that comes with no warning or pattern, afraid that I am becoming old far before my time. Where has my confidence gone? Where has my peace of mind gone, and my inner strength that has brought me this far? I'm afraid it's all gone, I feel like I have become a shell of a human again, that my skin has worn so thin from the trials of this year that my soul is showing through. Why do I feel this way? Head to toe:
Still have the numbness on the left side of my face, and my mind is still silly and forgetful; I can't cook a 5-course meal anymore, I burn or forget things and then I cry... My left shoulder has been giving me a lot of trouble, not sure why but I imagine arthritis has set in already. The hands are ok, giving me pain when I use any kind of force, which means, carrying a laundry basket or turning a wrench makes my wrist throb and my elbow hurt...LAME. I'm sick of it. I'm trying so hard to be normal, but my body is really not cooperating. My stomach has been acting up too, I think I am having minor bouts of pancreatitis, which the docs said I would have. Can't handle fat in my diet, which is ok because I've gotten fat over the last 6 months. Kinda hard to do anything when everything I do HURTS. The hip joint itself is doing quite well, I have NO pain directly in the joint which is WONDERFUL...I have some pain further down my leg, not sure if it's related to any mechanical problems or just more soft-tissue pain that will just haunt me now and then. I wish it was more THEN and less now, because I hurt all the time.
I miss work, I don't know if I'd even remember half of my job duties by now...so I play with the kids, and I read, and I bug my husband when he's home. :o) Keep on truckin, keep on keepin on, that's all I can do. It makes me sad to look back at all the optimism and joy I had when I used to post on here...I don't feel any of that anymore, I have really gotten depressed. Something has to give...I don't know what, but we've got to figure something out with this pain, I can't take it anymore.
