I didn't have to read many posts back to realize that a lot of things have changed in my life but my pain is not one of them. It's been over 3 years and I still hurt everyday, some days more than others. My marriage is destroyed because of the stress from all this, his inability to cope and understand, my decreased sympathy for anyone else's problems when mine seem so huge. I am angry. I feel robbed of my life. All I have ever wanted is to be a mom, to run and play with my kids, to take care of them, to work tirelessly in a garden and bake and cook and clean my house, to take care of people as a nurse, to love my job as I do and know that I do it so well...to have a partner who understands and loves me for who I am, not what I used to be. And I had ALL of that once...a couple years ago...and then I got hit by this drunk driver, and now...I'm in the middle of a divorce. Trapped in a body that holds onto more pain than I know what to do with. I can't run with my kids, I can't chase and play ball and wrestle with them like I used to do. I can't WORK....WHY?????? Why does a damn good nurse have to be robbed of her joy and her profession, from something I KNOW I was born to do?? Not many people are passionate about what they do for a living...I am, and yet I am prevented from doing it. I didn't ask for any of this. I had the life I wanted. Now I have to figure out what to do with what is left. I can still be a good mommy, maybe I'm a little crabbier because of my pain, but I know I do a good job. I'm probably not much good anymore as a partner, because I am so paralyzed within myself because of the pain that rips open my heart everyday...and I don't know how to heal that. Some broken hearts just keep on bleeding, I swear...
I feel SO robbed...I HAD all this. I KNEW how to heal, I KNEW what would help me spiritually, I STILL counted my blessings and saw a path to move forward...and now, I feel so trapped, I feel like I am mired down in this pathetic swamp so deeply that I cannot move. I'm tired of hurting. I cry inside when I look into my babies' eyes and see how they hurt for the mom they used to know, for the dad that's living separate from them because we just couldn't fix it anymore, I just want to be OK....I want to get through a day and say, that was a good day. I didn't hurt, I did what I wanted to do. I don't know how to get past the hurt I have over not being able to live the life I wanted. How do you do that??? How you do accept something that huge when all your life you've pushed and fought and worked for everything you've ever wanted?? Suddenly I'm just supposed to accept that this is what I am left with?? A body that screams at me every day and a soul full of pain because I want MORE!!!! I cannot accept this!!! I want to be my own everything, that's all I know how to be. so someone please tell me how I learn to accept all that I am now. And yes, maybe someday it'll be ok...but I just need to see it today.
