What's New?

Well, what isn't? My attitude...that hasn't changed. It makes me so sad to look at the optimism and strength I used to write with, and now what I'm left with is resignation and defeat. I really feel that I will lose all resolve at any moment...and I honestly believe that I am one of the strongest, most positive people I know. But I can't take any more. I am so tired of waking up each day in pain. Tired of being told, "after this surgery, you'll be able to do whatever you want!" Sure! I can do whatever I want; if I plan on being in bed for 3-4 days afterward, on high-dose opiates and cursing the skies and anything/anyone else who comes within earshot...is that realistic?? I am exhausted...each day I wake up, cringing as I try and climb out of a bed that suddenly feels 40 feet high, walking 8 feet to the closet (which seems 100 feet away) and taking the first of 8 daily painkillers...I'm so tired of feeling this way. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to keep being frustrated and having it thrown in my face that there are so many things I can't do anymore that I took for granted before. Yes, I know I should be thankful that I'm alive, that I survived a horrible accident, but ya know what??? I can't tell you the number of times I wished I hadn't survived...saving my kids the pain of losing a parent is the only reason I am glad I am alive...I couldn't put my family through that. But I just don't know how much more I can take. Every day I get up and try to go to work...and I'm lucky if I make it there 3 days a week. By the time 3 hours have passed on the days I DO make it in, I am near tears, my arms and hands are numb, I am exhausted just from the sheer effort it takes to keep a smile on my face. I try hard to hide my pain...I don't know if it's better or worse, but I hide it...people's pity makes me angry, their sympathetic looks make me want to scream, I know there are many, many people who are far worse off than I am; but who is that thought supposed to comfort?? Why should I feel guilt when facing the reality that is my pain and my life? Why do any of us have to suffer? It doesn't make sense to me anymore. All the things I love have been altered; all that I enjoy in life has been stripped away--dulled by the pain that never leaves me. I feel like it's thrown in my face at every turn, YOU CAN'T MAKE IT. YOU CAN'T DO IT. Doctors keep trying to make me push harder, to make me go through the increased pain, exhaustion and tears, and I just feel like I'm finally going to break. I can't do this anymore, I can't keep forcing my body to do what causes so much pain, what am I trying to prove?? That I really can't do this?? I already know it...what will it take to make them see that?