By the time I'm done writing this blog (whenever that will be, I hope I never stop writing) I'm sure there will be many posts in here, titled, "Today." One day at a time....
Update:
I'm off work again. Endurance is waning, pain is increasing, same symptoms, different day, different year, different mindset. It has now been four years. The only thing that hasn't changed is my pain, and realizing that the only thing that makes it go away is doing NOTHING. That is not acceptable. I refuse to live that way, because that is not living.
I've finally begun to accept that this is probably as good as it gets for me. I might not be able to work as a floor nurse, helping the sick...but maybe I can go back to school, get my master's degree and be the BOSS of the floor nurses who help the sick, and manage patient caseloads, and see that these people are well taken care of and that my staff is doing everything they can to ease the pain of the suffering. There are other paths to greatness, I am forging my own...
So much has changed in such a short timespan, I would love to post it all here but some of it just needs to remain in my heart...some can see the truth of it, the purity of it, of what it always has been and always will be...and others feel the need to taint it with their resentment and I can't allow that to happen here...so, I go on, and I love, and I live, and I accept what I can't change. It's time for me to take a new direction, a new approach...I have failed to see and truly appreciate the beauty in my life because I was so busy being angry and heartbroken for what cannot be. For what I can't do, for what I thought I believed but realized it wasn't true, it was never true...and now, I just have to move forward. We can never go back, we can only move forward with the knowledge and experience that we gain from the things that we live through...and that's just got to be good enough. It doesn't mean that every day I'm happy, that I'm refusing to see the bad things that are part of my experience, because I do see them...I do feel them...but I'm claiming it as my own. It's MY life. It's MY experience. And I'm deciding that it's going to be a beautiful and exciting journey, good AND bad..but all mine, and always beautiful in the end, always the lessons that I needed and the experiences I had to go through in the end.
I am learning that even the bad things we go through in life can teach us to appreciate the good. That when we come through a hard time, we can look back and say, "see how much better it feels to be me, today?" I'm finding that there is so much more comfort and confidence in the knowledge that all things are already decided, they are already written...and it's only up to me to move my very own chess piece--it doesn't really matter what else is on the board, as long as I remember that I'm the only me, and the only one who can truly appreciate me, who else can love me as much as I can? How can I truly appreciate how another loves me, until I truly love myself? I know that I have a purpose here, and I am regaining my joy and excitement in knowing that...and also, in not knowing what exactly that purpose may be, I might think that the path I'm on is right and forward and then something causes it to curve...isn't that exciting??? It's always an adventure. Even the pain brings appreciation for the days that I have less pain...and I look forward to those days...
This is my "Today."
