I realize that, for the last few years, I have lost hope in feeling better. I have gotten so depressed, every day has felt like a shadow, and although I put on a brave smile for my family, inside I was always crying. I felt like I had let a huge part of myself die. I let the things that I'd lost become a void inside of me, and that void, the void of things that no longer were, I let it be bigger than the blessings that surround me every day. People might think it was the physical injuries that almost killed me; in reality, it was the overwhelming sense of failure and hopelessness that nearly did, several years later.
Where have I gone?? I have been trapped inside my own head, feeling so afraid of hurting when I used to be so strong and brave, and I'd smile in spite of pain...I think it all just collapsed inward one day. There is no weakness in admitting we need to be held up sometimes. I waited til I almost broke, and even then I couldn't ask. I am so thankful for the loving people around me who saw me struggle and helped me up.
But now I am hopeful again. I have a sense of direction and a paddle I'm tentatively putting in the water. I'm not ready for the rapids, although they may find me anyway. I'll take what I can. I stay too close to shore, and don't allow myself to truly experience the power of the river. But I will. I am almost strong enough, and I know I can't be broken, not if I don't let myself. :) I'm less afraid of pain, I'm working with it instead of fighting against it. I let it keep me in a prison for too long, and my life is far from over. I need to come back into the light, and back into love. Who's with me?
