So today, you are so heavy on my mind. I always wonder if it's the time of year? Or if you're really here somehow, making me think of you. It's a day before Kristi's birthday. The 6th one she's celebrated since you passed. The day after that is Aidyn's. He's 10 this year, and has baseball tryouts and is amazing like you were, but you know all of that. :) He loves music like you did, and so I want to put together a CD of songs and bands that you loved to rock out to, except I don't remember all of them...your other sister does, you two shared a love for music that I didn't develop until I was older...I was too busy working and raising kids and fighting with men to be bothered with music, hahaha! Not funny though...lately I'm thinking about how much I miss your laugh, the silly giggle we only heard when you were playing a trick on someone or playing with Aidyn or your nieces and nephews, which was all the time! They miss you a lot. I try and keep the memories positive and not an excuse to be sad, because life is full of reasons to laugh, and we are living. My biggest fear is that I won't do a good enough job in telling them about you, how could I ever?? How can all of us explain to your kids what an amazing dad you were, how deep and real you were, that you were the funniest person I knew and the reason I learned to see the good in all people? (even the real @holes) It's true, "There was a time when men were kind." That time died with you, with Grandpa, now Dad carries that role alone, and I hope my sons, your son, and Jess's will carry that brand of kindness and love in their lives like you. The world needs it! In my opinion, no other men are as kind or trustworthy or decent, and maybe that's my own cynicism and inability to trust, but whatever. I'm dealing with it. (I think) :P
So, I'll do my best to tell the kids stories about you, to color pictures of you that the kids can all hold in their hearts, because they deserve to know you. Sometimes I'm angry that they don't get to. Then I remember that you're a part of them, and in that sense, they already DO know you. I realize that all of us can help them to always know who THEY truly are. As long as they know themselves they'll never lose that connection, they will know you all of their lives. I teeter between wanting to help the kids know you and celebrate your life, and wanting to help them move forward and love their lives now, how do I know the balance there? I don't...it's not up to me, but I'm trying. :) I don't want them to be sad and looking backwards, because that's how we all trip. ;) So...a little guidance there would be nice, dear brother. Thanks :)
Your babies are so beautiful. They glow with the same bright spirit you have. Thank you so much for bringing them into the world, so that I could love them and watch them grow. They each remind me of you in so many ways! I still wish that we were watching our kids grow up together, cousins and best friends, but I know in a sense, we are. :) I just miss that big bear hug and great smile of yours, and knowing my Little-Big Brother would always have my back. I knowww, you still do, but remember I still see with earthly eyes, lol! Love you, Bri!!!!
I hope this link works, P!nk sings my life, I swear...
http://youtu.be/PFYm9LKsuUo
