It makes me happy and sad at the same time to report that, after seven years, my dear brother, the laughter comes much more often than the tears. It's a good thing, because it means we're all moving along through life, and just a little sad, because it means this has become normal. But, this is what we do, because it is the way of it.
It's not that we miss you less or don't think of you as often, but we've settled into this life routine. We've gotten used to the fleeting feelings of pain when we realize another milestone or holiday has passed and we didn't see you in it, and we just swallow hard and move on with the day. It just feels so wrong sometimes. I know I say I have faith in the bigger picture, the Grand Scheme of things, and I'd like to think that I do. But the selfish part of me just wishes so much I could have just one more day to spend with you.
No one knows me like my brother and sister. No one in this world. I may appear to some to wear my heart on my sleeve, but most people know very little about me, really. You did. You always knew my moods and my thoughts, and how to make me laugh when I was taking something too seriously, which was quite often.
I can't even write about you today. My satire is at an all-time high, and I just want to be a smartass. I thought I should be all inspiring...but I'm just not feeling it tonight. I'm remembering how silly you were instead. How much you loved life, and how little you hid from it, and I admired that about you so much.
I just wish you were here to go have a beer with when I'm feeling the need to get out for a little bit. To go somewhere shady and sit in the corner and make up stories about the characters that came in, and you'd wiggle your eyebrows at some gross old bag and say, "would ya?" And I'd laugh hysterically. Would I?! Where you'd ask for a really strong drink, sip it as the bartender waited for you to pay and you'd sputter, "What, are ya mad at me?!" And the bartender would never get it, but I'd be giggling.
Remember the time I was Cher for Halloween, and Carl didn't want to be Sonny because Sonny was a "little prick?" heh. And then some Idiot Child got mouthy at a bar and he caught my camera with his face and broke my favorite lipstick. That was a fun night. :) That might've been the last punch I've ever thrown. I'm glad you were there!
I remember how you'd think of the corniest pick-up lines to use, so sure no one would ever fall for it, and then you'd use them on random women and they'd work, and then you'd look at me like "WTF do I do now?! HELP!" And I would never help you, I would only laugh. Oh, I miss you.
I miss driving out to get you with my backseat full of boys in carseats because you ran out of gas on your way home from fishing, and years later, you'd drive me to my doctor's appointments after my car accident. Thank you so much for that. Thank you for being such a great brother.
I miss breakfast on occasional Sundays, and green eggs and ham, and green beer on Saint Patty's Day. I think it's funny that you were always so proud of our heritage, from a very young age, and I could give a shit less until I started wondering which family members I must be like, because I'm six kinds of messed up compared to everyone living...so I joined Ancestry.com, and it turns out, I am the only one who's this brand of crazy. So I'm original. I'm ok with that.
We never got to go have that Scooter War in Wal-Mart that we talked about when we were both using canes. I might have to go do that just to say I did, since I'm using a cane again sometimes. If you're not there, I'm gonna be so pissed.
I miss you yelling at the TV during Packer games, and it's the funniest thing but when PJ yells at video games or football, I get all misty-eyed because he sounds and acts almost exactly like you did when you were mad! Sometimes I call his phone even though I know he gets irritated when I use his minutes, but he sounds just like you on the phone.
Sometimes I feel like someone should go, "would you just get over him already and get on with it?" But I just don't know how. I don't want to forget, and I know I won't. I'm not sad and hopelessly mourning, and I haven't dedicated my life to resurrecting your memory; I just feel that your life was very important to us, it has affected so many of us, and you deserve at least a day or two a year when we remember you, when we celebrate your life and the children you brought into existence before you so swiftly left this world. I know it's not easy for any of us, but I also know that you wouldn't want us to mourn you. You wouldn't want us to celebrate your life either, you were always humble. But, too bad, you're not here, so we can do what we want. We will celebrate you. :)
You taught me many things, but one important thing is this: Stand up and face your pain. It will always find you if you run, and it can come out in our lives in other ugly ways. Save the people who love you from suffering for your pain; deal with it as it comes. I really do try.
Some days might be easier than others, but whether that pain is the hole in my heart where you are, or the scars from that damn old car wreck, or paying too much rent for a place I don't wanna live anymore or suffering someone's inadvertent boring and shallow conversation, I try to always face my pain. So I will cry my Seven Year Tears, whenever they need to fall. I will not wonder when I will stop missing you, because the answer will always be "never." But I accept that this is the way life is meant to be. Acceptance is one key element to a happy life. I will laugh and feel the rain on my face when it finally comes in the summertime and I'll remember to splash in the puddles with your kids every chance I get. I will tell them everything I can about you for as long as they'll let me, and even after that I'll bore them with stories of myself. But I'm not nearly as funny as you.
What would you have me say to your kids? If there were one, all-encompassing, very crucial thing for me to say to them, what would it be?
And the song that comes into my head, of course, is Bob Marley, Three Little Birds.
I fucking love you. I miss you so much, and I just love you. You WOULD say that. Because above all, you would want your kids to do what makes them happy, and not to ever worry about the trivial things in the world, the material things in the world, don't worry about what others think of you as long as you are happy and living a good life. I know you would want that for them, and I do too. Those three little birds of yours. They are amazing kids. Thank you for blessing us with them.
Don't stop visiting us. Don't stop talking to the kids in their dreams, or kissing them goodnight or helping us to keep your memories alive. Please visit Aidyn in a dream soon. I think it would mean so much to him. We DO still need you in our lives. It doesn't mean we don't have room in our lives for each new thing that comes to be; it doesn't meant we're trying to live in the past, it just means that there will always be a place for you, a place that no other soul could ever fill, a place of honor, in our hearts. We love you always. Thank you for being you. Thank you for being my brother.
I'm playing this song for your kids today.
http://www.lyricsfreak.com/b/bob+marley/three+little+birds_20021728.html
