Here are my concerns this week. I have this nagging visual disturbance. It's like poking a few holes through a piece of paper and holding it up to the sun...those spots are in my left field of vision occasionally. sometimes they're white, sometimes they're silver, sometimes they're dark and look almost like a cloud of gnats sitting there in front of me. I think I should see a neurologist.
My depth perception is off. I hit my head on things because that skin that would sense an object moving near, is numb. then, the bumping makes it more numb. My lips and chin are really numb again this week too, that had been better. Even my eyelid and nose are numb lately. I feel a ridge in my eye socket that feels like it might have been broken. I have to remember to ask the doc to show me my records so I can see if that's true or if it's just scarred connective tissue under there.
My hip hurts so badly lately. I made the mistake of holding Gabe in church for 10 minutes on Sunday...and I've been limping ever since. I am so frustrated with this limitation that I can't do anything for but wait. I am not very patient anymore.
I'm crabby lately. I feel like Carl has gotten tired of helping with the kids, and now that I can almost do it all, he's just assuming I WANT to do it all. As great as it is to be doing well, I can't do this all on my own. I know he's gotten burnt out, as he had to do most everything around here for 3 1/2 months, but the truth is...it makes me sad that it took a debilitating accident to make me feel like we were working more as partners than ever before. We took turns bathing the kids and getting them to bed. We both did household chores, he had to do all the driving and errand-running, he took the kids to and from daycare...so I know he's tired...but now i feel like I'm not able to take as much pleasure out of raising my kids, because I feel like I'm raising them alone a lot of the time. He just hangs his head when I try and talk to him about it...and I know how he feels. It's hard work, setting the example and teaching and loving your kids into obedience, and being there for them always. but that's what we signed up for. That's what we do. And I need him to do it with me.
Monday, April 24, 2006
New Battles
Today, I'm tired. I am so glad things are getting so normal again that I can have a day where I crab at my husband for not doing something I asked him to...or 3 or 4 days where he didn't do what I asked him to...when I can be frustrated with the dishes undone and the reading assignments I put off to tuck in my babies. I can tuck in my babies. And I have a husband to yip at who puts up with me, and I, with him.
I've had a few memories come back to me recently. I think I already wrote about the memory of the walk across the yard out to the van the morning of the accident, or maybe I've just talked about it with my mom and sister, I'm not sure...
It was still dark out, a little breeze was blowing through the trees...and suddenly, I felt this overwhelming urge to run, to jump into that van, as if something was waiting for me in the dark...that paralyzing fear that we've all had as a child, but that we reason away as we get older...I laughed at myself as I closed the van door. I don't get spooked! What was that? This is a safe place, my home. What am I afraid of? Another discordant fragment of the feeling of impending doom that Carl and I felt over our heads for months before this day. I've learned that my gut instinct does not lead me astray. Those little nods of conscience that let us in on the unspeakable from time to time. Don't ignore them. Those are your angels speaking to you...and yes, sometimes the things they whisper are frightening...but not hearing their warning is even scarier, even life-threatening. They are there to protect you, to guide us all, and to bring us love and comfort when this shitty place called earth leaves us bitter and alone.
I'm bitter today, I'm angry. I don't give in to that emotion very often as it just doesn't do me any good...it's not going to make my hands stop throbbing, it's not going to make my leg behave the way I want it to, it's not going to erase the scars and the limp I have when it rains...no, it's not a myth after all...but I do think that I have to allow myself to deal with the anger as well as seeing the silver lining in this enormous cloud, because it's all part of what happened, it's all part of me and my life now. "God grant me the serenity..." Another thing I've learned is that we are closer to the spiritual world than we think. It's right here, they are always around. Our loved ones don't leave us for long, they watch over us and keep watch while we are unaware of things to come. We go through our days, self-important and self-accommodating...and they watch us. Our guardians watch us with knowing eyes, wishing we could know and see the things they know and see, but also understanding the danger that knowledge can bring. We are all such silly people...this world would be such a better place if we could all peek through that window now and then...
Mom, this next memory may be too graphic for you to read, you don't need to put yourself through this because I know that this is probably a part of my accident that you don't need to know, that it will make it all too real to you when already this is so real you and I both, we wish we could close the book. But the book will be written, the story will be told...just know that this next little blurb is pretty gory and maybe tell Rog to read it before you do? LOL Ok I know, I'm trying to protect you...thinking of boxing and gory movie scenes and mom leaving the room because her empathetic soul feels everyone's pain as her own...
Another memory came to me not long ago...it's one that drives me crazy because I don't remember any of the events around it, it's like a snapshot in my head of the accident, and I can't make sense of it all because I don't remember it all...I'm too logical of a person to accept that, so I think on it, and think on it, and think...but at the same time, I'm afraid that I WILL remember, that it will come back to me and I'll be haunted by that as well. I don't remember the moments just before the crash, I just have what I call an "impression..." an emotion...I remember feeling the urgency to stop, doing everything in my power to stop that van, pressing that brake to the floor, gripping that steering wheel, willing it to stop with every fiber of my being...and angry and helpless because I knew it was too late for me to do anything to change what was about to happen. I remember thinking, just before hearing that horrible crunch and twist of metal, and my scream, "this is not going to come out good. God be with me..." And isn't it funny that I had time to think that, and to feel what I felt...and yet, I have no picture in my mind, no visual memory of what happened at that time. My next visual memory is of Lucas's pale face and light hair, his front seat, his bracing himself against the driver's side door just before we collided...my eyes locked with his, eyes the size of saucers, staring into mine as I thought "I'm going to end up in his front seat" as my van slid sideways into his truck, my door colliding with his and I felt like I was spinning, like a ragdoll tossed out my window, my arms being thrown away from my control and out the window as it smashed and that must be when I hit my head and lost consciousness...that must be when my arms were broken and my hand was so badly cut. I felt like I was spinning on a fast, horrible merry-go-round. Someone said to me not long ago, "so, did your van just kill out after the crash, or was it still running?" And I replied, "well, I guess it stopped running about the same time the tranny and radiator smashed into the passenger seat. Probably then." ? Yeah, for real. LMAO It's just too much reality for many people to ponder...it was for me, before it happened to me. You hear of this kind of thing all the time...but you can't imagine the cold horror of it, the careening out of control and the sounds and smells, the frantic shouts of rescuers, the emergent tone to their voices, the cold blood dripping into your eyes, the damp wind blowing through the broken windows and making you shiver but you can't move to pull your jacket tighter...you just can't voluntarily be a part of that, you can't put yourself in that place. It's too awful. Even as I write this, I feel bad for making others read of something that is too harsh and real. "warning--objects in new post are as graphic as they appear"
I remember the EMTs or firefighters, whoever runs the jaws of life...I remember them telling me they were going to cut into the van to get me out...I couldn't move, I was afraid to move...maybe I could have moved my arms if I wanted but I felt as though they were pinned to my sides and crossed over my chest...I don't know if that's how I was positioned or not, I felt like I was floating. I remember hearing that saw cut into the van, and a window shattered and I screamed so loud! I heard the glass fall all around me, and men working and telling me it was ok, they were going to get me out...they sounded so intent on their job, working as fast as they could to reach me...and I took comfort in that. I moved my feet and heard glass crunch under my shoes...and then I didn't try and move them anymore. I remember trying so hard to remember my phone number, and saying the numbers so slowly to Traci...I couldn't do it! And the numbers finally came, and I was so relieved. I'm going to be ok. Carl will know where I am. The kids are safe with him. I'm ok, I'm ok, my babies are ok...in and out of consciousness I went.
I drove home from Menomonie after work a week ago, and I decided to drive past the intersection where my life changed. I had only been on that road one time since the accident, and I had a panic attack, Carl nearly pulled over. Well, we all know how well I deal with something having power over me like that, so I had to deal with it. I drove through that intersection, I saw the place where my van sat teetering on the embankment, and I marvelled at the fact that I'm here and doing so well 5 1/2 months later. What a miracle. That's the only way I can explain it. I saw the grouping of deep green pine trees that I flew over the top of, as my angels whooshed me to the hospital to meet my body as it came in the ambulance. I remember the chest tube and swearing and fighting at the pain, I remember my mom, and I told her and Carl I'd be ok, my babies were ok, I was ok...
I've had a few memories come back to me recently. I think I already wrote about the memory of the walk across the yard out to the van the morning of the accident, or maybe I've just talked about it with my mom and sister, I'm not sure...
It was still dark out, a little breeze was blowing through the trees...and suddenly, I felt this overwhelming urge to run, to jump into that van, as if something was waiting for me in the dark...that paralyzing fear that we've all had as a child, but that we reason away as we get older...I laughed at myself as I closed the van door. I don't get spooked! What was that? This is a safe place, my home. What am I afraid of? Another discordant fragment of the feeling of impending doom that Carl and I felt over our heads for months before this day. I've learned that my gut instinct does not lead me astray. Those little nods of conscience that let us in on the unspeakable from time to time. Don't ignore them. Those are your angels speaking to you...and yes, sometimes the things they whisper are frightening...but not hearing their warning is even scarier, even life-threatening. They are there to protect you, to guide us all, and to bring us love and comfort when this shitty place called earth leaves us bitter and alone.
I'm bitter today, I'm angry. I don't give in to that emotion very often as it just doesn't do me any good...it's not going to make my hands stop throbbing, it's not going to make my leg behave the way I want it to, it's not going to erase the scars and the limp I have when it rains...no, it's not a myth after all...but I do think that I have to allow myself to deal with the anger as well as seeing the silver lining in this enormous cloud, because it's all part of what happened, it's all part of me and my life now. "God grant me the serenity..." Another thing I've learned is that we are closer to the spiritual world than we think. It's right here, they are always around. Our loved ones don't leave us for long, they watch over us and keep watch while we are unaware of things to come. We go through our days, self-important and self-accommodating...and they watch us. Our guardians watch us with knowing eyes, wishing we could know and see the things they know and see, but also understanding the danger that knowledge can bring. We are all such silly people...this world would be such a better place if we could all peek through that window now and then...
Mom, this next memory may be too graphic for you to read, you don't need to put yourself through this because I know that this is probably a part of my accident that you don't need to know, that it will make it all too real to you when already this is so real you and I both, we wish we could close the book. But the book will be written, the story will be told...just know that this next little blurb is pretty gory and maybe tell Rog to read it before you do? LOL Ok I know, I'm trying to protect you...thinking of boxing and gory movie scenes and mom leaving the room because her empathetic soul feels everyone's pain as her own...
Another memory came to me not long ago...it's one that drives me crazy because I don't remember any of the events around it, it's like a snapshot in my head of the accident, and I can't make sense of it all because I don't remember it all...I'm too logical of a person to accept that, so I think on it, and think on it, and think...but at the same time, I'm afraid that I WILL remember, that it will come back to me and I'll be haunted by that as well. I don't remember the moments just before the crash, I just have what I call an "impression..." an emotion...I remember feeling the urgency to stop, doing everything in my power to stop that van, pressing that brake to the floor, gripping that steering wheel, willing it to stop with every fiber of my being...and angry and helpless because I knew it was too late for me to do anything to change what was about to happen. I remember thinking, just before hearing that horrible crunch and twist of metal, and my scream, "this is not going to come out good. God be with me..." And isn't it funny that I had time to think that, and to feel what I felt...and yet, I have no picture in my mind, no visual memory of what happened at that time. My next visual memory is of Lucas's pale face and light hair, his front seat, his bracing himself against the driver's side door just before we collided...my eyes locked with his, eyes the size of saucers, staring into mine as I thought "I'm going to end up in his front seat" as my van slid sideways into his truck, my door colliding with his and I felt like I was spinning, like a ragdoll tossed out my window, my arms being thrown away from my control and out the window as it smashed and that must be when I hit my head and lost consciousness...that must be when my arms were broken and my hand was so badly cut. I felt like I was spinning on a fast, horrible merry-go-round. Someone said to me not long ago, "so, did your van just kill out after the crash, or was it still running?" And I replied, "well, I guess it stopped running about the same time the tranny and radiator smashed into the passenger seat. Probably then." ? Yeah, for real. LMAO It's just too much reality for many people to ponder...it was for me, before it happened to me. You hear of this kind of thing all the time...but you can't imagine the cold horror of it, the careening out of control and the sounds and smells, the frantic shouts of rescuers, the emergent tone to their voices, the cold blood dripping into your eyes, the damp wind blowing through the broken windows and making you shiver but you can't move to pull your jacket tighter...you just can't voluntarily be a part of that, you can't put yourself in that place. It's too awful. Even as I write this, I feel bad for making others read of something that is too harsh and real. "warning--objects in new post are as graphic as they appear"
I remember the EMTs or firefighters, whoever runs the jaws of life...I remember them telling me they were going to cut into the van to get me out...I couldn't move, I was afraid to move...maybe I could have moved my arms if I wanted but I felt as though they were pinned to my sides and crossed over my chest...I don't know if that's how I was positioned or not, I felt like I was floating. I remember hearing that saw cut into the van, and a window shattered and I screamed so loud! I heard the glass fall all around me, and men working and telling me it was ok, they were going to get me out...they sounded so intent on their job, working as fast as they could to reach me...and I took comfort in that. I moved my feet and heard glass crunch under my shoes...and then I didn't try and move them anymore. I remember trying so hard to remember my phone number, and saying the numbers so slowly to Traci...I couldn't do it! And the numbers finally came, and I was so relieved. I'm going to be ok. Carl will know where I am. The kids are safe with him. I'm ok, I'm ok, my babies are ok...in and out of consciousness I went.
I drove home from Menomonie after work a week ago, and I decided to drive past the intersection where my life changed. I had only been on that road one time since the accident, and I had a panic attack, Carl nearly pulled over. Well, we all know how well I deal with something having power over me like that, so I had to deal with it. I drove through that intersection, I saw the place where my van sat teetering on the embankment, and I marvelled at the fact that I'm here and doing so well 5 1/2 months later. What a miracle. That's the only way I can explain it. I saw the grouping of deep green pine trees that I flew over the top of, as my angels whooshed me to the hospital to meet my body as it came in the ambulance. I remember the chest tube and swearing and fighting at the pain, I remember my mom, and I told her and Carl I'd be ok, my babies were ok, I was ok...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
It's Been Too Long!!
Has it really been this long since I posted?? I guess school and work keep me busier than I thought. Yes, I'm back to school. Yes, it's going beautifully. Maintaining A's in my classes, and enjoying it even more than last semester. It feels so good to be part of society again, and I'm feeling less and less like...the leftover part of a horrible scream. That's how I've felt. I know it sounds strange to think of it like that, but I felt like the raw, throat-burning, headachy part of a huge scream....like I would fall apart if anyone blew on me or touched me, like vital parts of me were missing and I was just holding on to a thread of who I was...and now I feel like me again. There are some differences...people who didn't know me before could probably never pick them up...but I notice, because it's me. I am flightier. I am easily distracted, and have to concentrate more. The docs say that may get better with time, they are confident that it will as "90% of people say within a year it disappears." Or, this may be something I have to live with. Good thing I'm a good list-maker. A good thing about my "different"...I appreciate my kids and family even more. I wouldn't be caught with a schoolbook in my hand if my kids are home or awake. I'm with the kids. I'm playing. We're raking leaves, going for walks, playing games, watching movies together, talking, doing homework--theirs, not mine--I'm enjoying my marriage even more...I knew Carl was wonderful and appreciated him a lot before this...but now, I absolutely cherish him. We've come through one of the worst things a person can imagine, and we're stronger for it. Our family is stronger, our love is stronger, our appreciation for life is stronger. My faith is definitely changed, it is absolutely unshakable. I thought it was sturdy before, but now, I have no doubts that I am on the right path. I am so grateful...God took my by the hand and pulled me and my family through this, there's no question.
Work is wonderful. I'm back at my old stomping grounds, Luther Hospital. I miss Menomonie but love caring for the acute patients that dialyze at Luther, and the staff is fun...they all seem so glad to have me back, and are showing me the ropes as it's been a long time since I worked there. I think I'll get the hang of it. My first day back at work, one of my patients said, "you've still got your old touch, I didn't feel a thing," after I put his needles in. I could have cried. Slowly, I'm weaving my life blanket again, and this time, it has some beautiful colors and threads that I never noticed before...but they've always been there. I just didn't have the opportunity to see them...kind of like, I didn't see the forest for the trees. Life is now. It is beautiful. And I am loving every minute of it, not wasting a second.
Work is wonderful. I'm back at my old stomping grounds, Luther Hospital. I miss Menomonie but love caring for the acute patients that dialyze at Luther, and the staff is fun...they all seem so glad to have me back, and are showing me the ropes as it's been a long time since I worked there. I think I'll get the hang of it. My first day back at work, one of my patients said, "you've still got your old touch, I didn't feel a thing," after I put his needles in. I could have cried. Slowly, I'm weaving my life blanket again, and this time, it has some beautiful colors and threads that I never noticed before...but they've always been there. I just didn't have the opportunity to see them...kind of like, I didn't see the forest for the trees. Life is now. It is beautiful. And I am loving every minute of it, not wasting a second.
Monday, March 20, 2006
The First Almost Completely Normal Day!
Today, I got myself and three kids ready for school and took them to daycare, by myself. Today, I sat in a classroom with my peers for an entire day, and LEARNED. I carried my backpack, full of books, to and from my classes, by myself. I talked and laughed with my classmates, I asked questions of my teachers, and ate up everything they could teach me...
I picked up my kids after my classes, on my own. I put gas in my van, I came home to my husband making supper and had a great meal where we all talked, joked and laughed, as a family. Thank GOD. Thank God that I am well. Thank God I'm here. Thank you God, for my amazing family, and my awesome life. You gave it back to me, and You made it even better than it was before.
This day was the closest thing to normal I have had since before the accident. My hope is renewed again!!!
I picked up my kids after my classes, on my own. I put gas in my van, I came home to my husband making supper and had a great meal where we all talked, joked and laughed, as a family. Thank GOD. Thank God that I am well. Thank God I'm here. Thank you God, for my amazing family, and my awesome life. You gave it back to me, and You made it even better than it was before.
This day was the closest thing to normal I have had since before the accident. My hope is renewed again!!!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I'm Really Me Again
I can't believe that I am finally feeling hopeful that I'll regain all of my strength and good health again. For months now, I've refused to even give a voice to my fears that I wouldn't be the same, I wouldn't be able to walk the same, move the same, look the same...and I finally feel that I am almost back to normal. I had a few very dark weeks recently...I felt like I was slipping, like I was losing my resolve, my hope, and all I could do was pray...and suddenly, the cloud is lifted. I got up one morning, I felt GOOD...I didn't hurt a lot, I didn't feel sad,I appreciated the day for just the fact that it was a day...MY day...every day is my day, and I choose what to do with it. I choose to go on. I choose to get better, I choose to let go of the anger, and to forgive, and to take so many lessons from this accident that I find myself grateful for all of the insight and experiences that this hurt and trouble has brought us...and I find myself in full appreciation of what I have, of who I am, and the person that this trial has shaped me into.
Now, I still have days like today, where I pushed myself beyond my limits and I am hurting for it, but I am not frustrated, I don't feel so entirely restricted and held back, and as though I wouldn't get the pieces of my life back that were scattered. I feel like I can go on...like I WILL go on, like my life will be even richer in some ways, because of the experiences this accident have brought us.
Now, I still have days like today, where I pushed myself beyond my limits and I am hurting for it, but I am not frustrated, I don't feel so entirely restricted and held back, and as though I wouldn't get the pieces of my life back that were scattered. I feel like I can go on...like I WILL go on, like my life will be even richer in some ways, because of the experiences this accident have brought us.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Doctors
Saw my regular doc yesterday, and he gave me a referral for evaluation, a "fitness for duty" eval. He said, "don't be surprised or disappointed if they say you need more time...you are healing fast, but you may need more time yet before you're ready for everything again." I know that...I think I will be ok if they do tell me I can't work yet...sad, but ok. I just want to be better...and I know that will take time, that's all there is to it.
I stepped on the scale, thinking I MUST be back at a normal weight, I feel good and my clothes fit better. Wellll, I had to get some new clothes because my old ones fell off my bones. sooooo, drumroll please...132 pounds!! I was 124 in December, so I'm getting there. I weighed somewhere under 145 before the accident...I had just lost a few pounds but not sure exactly how much...so it's good to know the numbers are going up again. I feel good at this weight. I want more muscle, but I'll get that back with time and healing, as I regain strength. Thankfully, the yoga I used to do each week has helped me keep a lot of my tone, and I am doing gentle stretches to regain my core muscle strength, and to decrease stress...gotta love yoga. <<>>
I talked to the doc about my short-term memory problem...sometimes, I will totally forget something that someone told me, or an appointment, or a phone message...annoys the hell outta me. He said it was perfectly normal, he's not surprised, but he's also not worried. He said to keep an eye on it, be aware of whether or not it gets better, but not to worry about it. Most likely, it will resolve with time. If it doesn't get better, I'll have a whole battery of memory and cognitive functioning tests to go through...I went through it once before, they did it before they'd discharge me from Luther, and I passed with flying colors...the funny thing is, I felt like I was sharper then...I had less to concentrate on, I could think about healing and pain only, I didn't have room yet for all of the other things...now, I'm home and life is full, kids and appointments and school and EVERYTHING...that I just forget things.
One thing I've noticed since the accident is I am SO much more patient with the kids, and people in general...not that I was short with the kids, but I was so stressed that I would lose my patience more quickly.
Natalia is finally mama's girl again. It's taken her and I four months to regain our closeness...and it's still not the same, and I still get sad sometimes because I had to stop nursing her so soon, but I'm glad now that she's my girl again. It absolutely broke my heart when she would hold her little arms up to Carl instead of me...or when she would shy away from me completely...totally broke my heart. She was always my girl... Now, I have to be the one to put her to bed every night, or she cries. I have to feed her, or she cries. I have to cuddle her every minute, or she's vying for my attention. I love it. My baby is mine again...and I hope she never remembers that she lost her mama for a month, I can't imagine how a baby must feel when mom is her whole world, and suddenly she's gone. Damn that makes me mad. At least the other kids were old enough to understand where I was and why, and that I would be coming home again. Ok I can't talk about it anymore I'm getting mad again. LOL
My fitness for duty eval is next Friday...I am looking forward to it. I'm curious to see what kinds of tests they'll have me do, and what they will tell me. I hope it's good news...
I stepped on the scale, thinking I MUST be back at a normal weight, I feel good and my clothes fit better. Wellll, I had to get some new clothes because my old ones fell off my bones. sooooo, drumroll please...132 pounds!! I was 124 in December, so I'm getting there. I weighed somewhere under 145 before the accident...I had just lost a few pounds but not sure exactly how much...so it's good to know the numbers are going up again. I feel good at this weight. I want more muscle, but I'll get that back with time and healing, as I regain strength. Thankfully, the yoga I used to do each week has helped me keep a lot of my tone, and I am doing gentle stretches to regain my core muscle strength, and to decrease stress...gotta love yoga. <<
I talked to the doc about my short-term memory problem...sometimes, I will totally forget something that someone told me, or an appointment, or a phone message...annoys the hell outta me. He said it was perfectly normal, he's not surprised, but he's also not worried. He said to keep an eye on it, be aware of whether or not it gets better, but not to worry about it. Most likely, it will resolve with time. If it doesn't get better, I'll have a whole battery of memory and cognitive functioning tests to go through...I went through it once before, they did it before they'd discharge me from Luther, and I passed with flying colors...the funny thing is, I felt like I was sharper then...I had less to concentrate on, I could think about healing and pain only, I didn't have room yet for all of the other things...now, I'm home and life is full, kids and appointments and school and EVERYTHING...that I just forget things.
One thing I've noticed since the accident is I am SO much more patient with the kids, and people in general...not that I was short with the kids, but I was so stressed that I would lose my patience more quickly.
Natalia is finally mama's girl again. It's taken her and I four months to regain our closeness...and it's still not the same, and I still get sad sometimes because I had to stop nursing her so soon, but I'm glad now that she's my girl again. It absolutely broke my heart when she would hold her little arms up to Carl instead of me...or when she would shy away from me completely...totally broke my heart. She was always my girl... Now, I have to be the one to put her to bed every night, or she cries. I have to feed her, or she cries. I have to cuddle her every minute, or she's vying for my attention. I love it. My baby is mine again...and I hope she never remembers that she lost her mama for a month, I can't imagine how a baby must feel when mom is her whole world, and suddenly she's gone. Damn that makes me mad. At least the other kids were old enough to understand where I was and why, and that I would be coming home again. Ok I can't talk about it anymore I'm getting mad again. LOL
My fitness for duty eval is next Friday...I am looking forward to it. I'm curious to see what kinds of tests they'll have me do, and what they will tell me. I hope it's good news...
Friday, February 24, 2006
Crying
Well,I finally had the good cry I've been needing but for some reason just couldn't have...and once I opened the floodgates, it was hard to stop. I cried and yelled and swore and prayed, and wow,did I feel better when I was done. I needed that. I cried for all the tears everyone else has shed over my accident and all the worries, the pain, the inconvenience, the frustration, the sadness,the anger...the whole damn messin thing. I can't believe it took me this long to get to that point. I feel so much better now, like a big weight of sadness has been lifted from me. I know I'm so much better off now than I was 2 months, or even ONE month ago, but sometimes I just need to be sad.
My wedding rings should finally be fixed. We took them in 2 weeks ago, and I hope they were able to do something with them...I miss wearing them. I'm glad my left hand is finally healed enough for me to be able to wear them. Now if I could just get full use of it back...
My wedding rings should finally be fixed. We took them in 2 weeks ago, and I hope they were able to do something with them...I miss wearing them. I'm glad my left hand is finally healed enough for me to be able to wear them. Now if I could just get full use of it back...
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