Another Letter to My Brother

Dear Brian,

Today, your baby girls are six years old!  I cannot believe how they have grown.  Six years ago, I stayed overnight at Kristi's, got up at 6am with her and a bunch of beautiful people who love us, and we went to the hospital to finally meet those precious girls that Kristi miraculously carried to term. She has greater strength than she knows!  I remember that morning, Kristi said, "These babies were going to be born today, whether the doctor decided or not!"  She knew it was time.
As I sit here looking through pictures of your beautiful twin girls, I imagine how you would be with them.  In my mind, I see you hold them in your arms, bounce them in your lap, cuddle and goof with them and love them...just like Corey does now.  He has since they were tiny, and Aidyn too.  He is so good to them...I know you know that, because you wouldn't have anyone less than wonderful for your kids, or as a husband for Kristi.  I see how you and God work through him and I am amazed.
And don't worry- I know you hold them in their dreams, I know you held them before they were born, when they were still in Heaven with you.  I know you watch over them and their big brother, all of us, and I am so thankful for that.  I know I've been dreaming about you, and I need to try harder to remember what you tell me in my dreams, because I have a feeling it's something  you want me to give the girls for their birthdays.  Help me remember!! 

I will never forget the day those girls were born.  I am a very lucky auntie, to have been present at the births of each of my nieces and nephews.  Thank you for that.  I remember the first time I held them, Your spirit is so strong in each of these beautiful babies...it is overwhelming.  I remember that it took months before I could look into those tiny, perfect faces without having to swallow the huge lump in my throat.  But concentrating on Aidyn and these two little miracles, they took some of the ache out of our hearts when we were missing you so bad.  Each year that goes by, I remember the year before, and see how far we've all come.  The hurt and the empty space are filled now with happy memories of your children as they grow, all of us with your blood in our veins and all of those who've come into our lives because of you, we are so grateful.  You have taught us all so much about love, family, and never giving up.  I bet you are surprised at how far we've come!  (so are we!)  Somehow, I know and trust that this all makes sense.  I've let go of the need to know why, I've let go of the feeling of lacking (for the most part) the place in my heart that was always filled by my brother, is STILL filled by you, you are with us every day.  We just see you differently now...like I said, it takes our earthly eyes a long time to adjust, but we're coming around.

Happy Birthday, Elliana and Ava!!!  You are amazing, and your dad is so proud of you! We ALL are!

How blessed could we be as you enter this world
Babies A and B, Doctor said, two perfect little girls
As you opened your eyes and stared into mine
I saw Heaven, your Daddy, everywhere the signs
The birth room attendant wore a tag with Daddy's name
He might have been Brian but his face wasn't the same

Mommy and I knew it was Daddy's way to let us know
He wouldn't miss this for anything, we knew he'd show!
I remember the song on the radio as we cried
The Riddle, "There's a Reason for the World; You and I"
It was playing so softly, some words were unclear
Your first lullaby from Daddy, who couldn't be here.


You saw him long before you learned he was gone
As you played in your cribs, and sang daddy songs
"Daddy" was your first word!  How could that be?
Because you'd already known him, his angel, you see.
His love surrounds you, and it always will
He loved you in Heaven, and he loves you still.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4BtqElO1OX4

1/16/13

Almost a year exactly since I've written here.  Today, it's been six years since my beautiful brother passed.  I wonder if he's proud of us all, if he feels his passing was not in vain if we've all learned and grown so much?  We'd all trade the knowledge in a heartbeat if we could have him here with us, but we've all accepted that life doesn't always bring us fairness, what it brings is experience.  We don't always understand, but we live on.

I haven't been writing here as much recently.  I feel that even though my words are my own, and I should have free will to say what I want, I don't.  I am fearful of people taking my words and twisting them into less than the pure intention with which they were written.  I am fearful of people taking what I say, and judging me, lessening the beauty of my life experiences, the loving intent I have for each being that reads this or comes into my life.  I realize that it truly does not matter if I gain the approval of any other human being; I have my own. I don't need to explain every single thought and emotion I have. Validity is not something I seek anymore;  I want to share my experiences with others so that they might find their own validity in their own experiences.  Life happens to each of us.  How we deal with the situations in life is something that defines us, breaks us, reshapes us, bends us again, sometimes until we break.  I have been so near the breaking point these last few years...not everyday, not even weekly or monthly or on any set time frame.  But the beauty, vibrance and sheer wonder that I have experienced each day of this life, they are each a brighter and more brilliant fiber woven deeply into my life's tapestry. I feel so fragile because I'm allowing myself to FEEL.  No more walls.  I have no time for them.

Here are some realizations I've made this year:

When we grow so accustomed to hurting, we shut out love.  Love becomes an unnatural, unwanted emotion, we feel numb where we used to bubble over with love.  Passion for life, for work, it all becomes gray.  You wait for the color to return to these things and it just doesn't come.  The only thing that feels real or genuine to me is the love for my children.  I can feel that; it is real.  Their lives, their daily joys, these are the beautiful spots of my life now.  I don't feel that what I do, beyond loving and raising my kids, has any value or meaning.  I wax and wane in the degree of my conviction in this, but the conclusion is always the same.  I feel I am constantly waiting.  Waiting for pain to end, waiting for a moment of relief in my day.  Waiting to discover what it is that will finally make me "snap out of it."  Is this true reality?  Have I seen the puppet strings to such an extent that I have even lost hope in hope??  These pages used to be so cleansing, so uplifting, if I didn't quite believe the words I was writing, I took consolation in knowing that, if I read them again tomorrow, I probably would.  Now there is only observation.  No strong convictions, no major remorse or sadness or anger or happiness or...anything.  One thing is for sure...I used to be angry at God for allowing my family to suffer, for allowing me to suffer.  I hate the saying "God only gives you what you can handle"  Such bullshit.  A loving God does not want his children to suffer.  God gives us free will, and as shitty humans, our will can affect one another in the most horrible ways at times.  I can no longer be angry about that, anger is crippling, and I am damn tired of limping.

 I know, I've seen many miracles and coincidences and I should remember those,  and I do!  These are the things that give us hope and keep us going.  But that is LIFE.  That is CHANCE.  That is FATE.  And mine has been cruel, as much as it has been beautiful.   Hope has run out.  It is hard to draw inspiration from a void.  I am the only person who can fill that void.  Me. I can't stop loving life because I'm afraid of being hurt again.  That is no life.

 I know I have a lot to be thankful for.  I just feel so goddamn miserable all of the time, I can't get out from under this cloud, no matter what I do.  I wish I could find my joy again.  I am afraid to put much effort or emotion into anything.  Not including my children because they are not things, they are precious beings that deserve and receive ALL of my best, my love, nurturing and guidance and I will always do my best to help them grow into healthy, loving and productive adults.  I smile, I laugh, I hug them and teach them and grow with them every minute that I can.  But I have nothing else, because I have had too much taken from me to feel secure enough to open those wounds to hope again.  Here's to 50 or 60 years more!  I hope soon I can find a way and a drive to make my life more satisfying again.  I'm sure I will, I just wish I knew when.

*************************************************************

I wrote this 3 months ago, but I didn't publish it because it is so sad and raw, and it's difficult for me to put these slivers of myself out there...and since then, I have woken up.  Let's call it another "bouncing point."  I think we all have them throughout our lives.   I've decide to stop being controlled by pain, to stop hating how I hurt and start loving that I'm alive.  I'm in charge, but releasing control.  We are not in control of anything but ourselves.  I changed EVERYTHING by changing my mindset and practicing what I've been preaching for a long time.  I stopped beating myself up in my head every day, and started listening to the loving thoughts.  (they were always there, just so damn quiet compared to my sadness)  I look myself in the eye every day and say, "You will NOT give up today, dammit."  I'm too stubborn to be beaten, I have too much to offer this world, and I won't give up.  DON'T GIVE UP!!!!  The fact that we wake up each morning is proof of our purpose.

Hope

I realize that, for the last few years, I have lost hope in feeling better.  I have gotten so depressed, every day has felt like a shadow, and although I put on a brave smile for my family, inside I was always crying.  I felt like I had let a huge part of myself die.  I let the things that I'd lost become a void inside of me, and that void, the void of things that no longer were, I let it be bigger than the blessings that surround me every day.  People might think it was the physical injuries that almost killed me; in reality, it was the overwhelming sense of failure and hopelessness that nearly did, several years later. 

Where have I gone??  I have been trapped inside my own head, feeling so afraid of hurting when I used to be so strong and brave, and I'd smile in spite of pain...I think it all just collapsed inward one day. There is no weakness in admitting we need to be held up sometimes.  I waited til I almost broke, and even then I couldn't ask.  I am so thankful for the loving people around me who saw me struggle and helped me up. 

But now I am hopeful again.  I have a sense of direction and a paddle I'm tentatively putting in the water.  I'm  not ready for the rapids, although they may find me anyway.  I'll take what I can.  I stay too close to shore, and don't allow myself to truly experience the power of the river.  But I will.  I am almost strong enough, and I know I can't be broken, not if I don't let myself.  :)  I'm less afraid of pain, I'm working with it instead of fighting against it.  I let it keep me in a prison for too long, and my life is far from over.  I need to come back into the light, and back into love.  Who's with me?

Letters to My Brother

So today, you are so heavy on my mind.  I always wonder if it's the time of year?  Or if you're really here somehow, making me think of you.  It's a day before Kristi's birthday.  The 6th one she's celebrated since you passed.  The day after that is Aidyn's.  He's 10 this year, and has baseball tryouts and is amazing like you were, but you know all of that.  :)   He loves music like you did, and so I want to put together a CD of songs and bands that you loved to rock out to, except I don't remember all of them...your other sister does, you two shared a love for music that I didn't develop until I was older...I was too busy working and raising kids and fighting with men to be bothered with music, hahaha!  Not funny though...lately I'm thinking about how much I miss your laugh, the silly giggle we only heard when you were playing a trick on someone or playing with Aidyn or your nieces and nephews, which was all the time!  They miss you a lot.  I try and keep the memories positive and not an excuse to be sad, because life is full of reasons to laugh, and we are living.  My biggest fear is that I won't do a good enough job in telling them about you, how could I ever??  How can all of us explain to your kids what an amazing dad you were, how deep and real you were, that you were the funniest person I knew and the reason I learned to see the good in all people?  (even the real @holes)  It's true, "There was a time when men were kind."  That time died with you, with Grandpa, now Dad carries that role alone, and I hope my sons, your son, and Jess's will carry that brand of kindness and love in their lives like you.  The world needs it!  In my opinion, no other men are as kind or trustworthy or decent, and maybe that's my own cynicism and inability to trust, but whatever.  I'm dealing with it.  (I think)  :P

So, I'll do my best to tell the kids stories about you, to color pictures of you that the kids can all hold in their hearts, because they deserve to know you.  Sometimes I'm angry that they don't get to.  Then I remember that you're a part of them, and in that sense, they already DO know you.  I realize that all of us can help them to always know who THEY truly are.  As long as they know themselves they'll never lose that connection, they will know you all of their lives.  I teeter between wanting to help the kids know you and celebrate your life, and wanting to help them move forward and love their lives now, how do I know the balance there?  I don't...it's not up to me, but I'm trying.  :)  I don't want them to be sad and looking backwards, because that's how we all trip.  ;)  So...a little guidance there would be nice, dear brother.  Thanks :)

Your babies are so beautiful.  They glow with the same bright spirit you have.  Thank you so much for bringing them into the world, so that I could love them and watch them grow.  They each remind me of you in so many ways!  I still wish that we were watching our kids grow up together, cousins and best friends, but I know in a sense, we are.  :)  I just miss that big bear hug and great smile of yours, and knowing my Little-Big Brother would always have my back. I knowww, you still do, but remember I still see with earthly eyes, lol!  Love you, Bri!!!!

I hope this link works, P!nk sings my life, I swear...

http://youtu.be/PFYm9LKsuUo

How it feels to have a stroke

Just Some Thoughts

It's funny how life gets us so busy thinking outwardly that we pay so little attention to what's in our hearts and heads.  Or, the outward distractions we choose to see in life are conveniently placed so that we can ignore more important issues that need dealing with; put them off for a later time.  What if later never comes?  A person could live their entire life like that, never saying what needs saying, never righting a wrong, or healing a hurt.  We, as a culture, adopt the most popular or insistent belief, and go with it, without question, without thought, because it's what everyone else is doing.  It's easy.  We find ourselves on a spiral that we are no longer aware is going up or down.  We are blindly-focused people.  We see what we choose to see, and miss out on everything important.   If people were able to focus inward for minutes a day, to check in with their emotions and thoughts, would it make a difference in how our world works?  Just minutes.  The time will pass anyway.

Everything we do each day is fueled by one of two things; Thought, or Emotion. 

Thought is deliberation, it is drawn out of the depth of experience, made of facts and calculations.  Thought allows us to contemplate a situation, any situation, and act with the most appropriate and effective means possible.  Actions based on thought can be damaging.  For the sake of oversimplifying, here's an example.  "This hammer put to hand will cause physical pain."  Or helpful, such as "this hammer put to nail will get the damn roof on." 

Emotion is wild.  It is swift and deep, tumultuous and sometimes violent, sometimes soft, warm and quiet.  Not every emotion requires action, because acting upon pure emotion can have devastating consequences.  Not every thought requires action either, but one thing I've learned is this:  If you don't spend SOME TIME each day, contemplating your thoughts, emotions, and actions?  You will live a blindly-focused life.  Your relationships will feel empty.  Your work will not be fulfillling.  You will feel caged, suppressed, maybe even depressed.  Here's the thing; we ALL have all of these emotions, whether we can admit it or not.  It's part of the human experience.  Passion brings out the colors of life. 

Not everything has to be assigned "meaning."  But if we live each day with meaning, with deliberance and compassion, I think it becomes a little better, every day.  I think that emotion warms the thoughts, it rounds them out, causes them to feel fuller, more complete.  Sometimes this fullness can even take on a mind of its own, fueling the thoughts in a way that can cause pain to oneself or others to the point of counterproductivity or destruction; and before that leap is made, before actions is taken, that is when we need to center again, to find the balance, to hold emotion in one hand, and thought in the other, and make a decision.  "Who will this help?  Who will this hurt?"  If the answer to the former is "many" and the answer to the latter is "few"  That is the best action. 

"If you can, help others, if you cannot do that, at least do not harm them."  ~Dalai Lama

Year 2013

What have I done this year?  I hope it was a lot, since I haven't posted on here in almost a year.  This year, I finally, truthfully, began forgiving my body for not working the way it used to.  Pain has chosen to stay, and I have chosen to live with it, instead of make it my enemy, I choose peace.  I choose to embrace my life, the beautiful people in it, and not give in to the deep depression that has seemed like such a prison for the last few years.  It's amazing to me how I have felt for so long that I was doing fine; I was taking care of my family as best as I know how, raising happy, healthy children and keeping house as good as anyone...but I have been so paralyzed inside.  By pain, by fear, by how deeply sad I have been over several big losses in a few short years.  I've always tried to be brave, I've smiled through pain and tears and poverty, death and divorce.  But I never just said, "enough."  I need to breathe.  I need to clear my mind.  Just like I swept my floor each night after tucking my babies into bed, I neatly swept the pain and thoughts of failure away, focusing on what I love and what makes me happy, pushing away what terrified me to face.  What many people who have experienced pain (and that is the majority of us, to some degree) is that it doesn't just go away on its own sometimes.  The void gets bigger.  These feelings NEED, they DEMAND, to be acknowledged.  And they will continue to brew, the thoughts will cut into your peace, until you take the time to look at them and honestly FEEL what you've hidden away from yourself.  Agonizing.  But at the same time, I have found more peace in the past year than I had convinced myself I had found already several years ago!  How is that??  I STOPPED LYING to myself about how I was doing, to my family, to everyone.  Never again would I automatically say "I'm good!"  every time someone asked me how I was.  Not when I wanted to scream "I'm not OK!  I'm in pain!  I'm terrified I won't be able to work again!  I can't feel my arm today!  I couldn't wash the dishes today because of my neck pain!"  That doesn't mean I went around moping and telling the world my problems...most people don't know what I deal with on any given day unless they know me well.  But I would think to myself, "How AM I doing?"  I'd hold onto the first word that came into my head, and even if I smiled and replied "I'm good!  How are you?"  that one word would roll around until I had discovered why it came to mind, and what was I going to do about it?  Meditation.  Loving and forgiving my body for hurting.  Visualizing love in the places where pain has seemed to take hold.  This does not mean my pain has miraculously been cured, or that I no longer have days where I rule my house from atop the mountain of orthopedic devices and pillows and heating pads and ice heaped onto my bed; I do.  But I always rule.  I always love.  I always wake up the next day to some kind of change.  I have a choice.  I choose love.