OK, some things I've noticed. I'm not sure if it's the TBI or just stress and depression/anxiety, but I've noticed I am easily distracted and irritable lately. The thing is, I'm only really like that with Carl...so I guess I can't blame it all on the TBI if it's isolated incidents like that eh? Or is it SAD? I know I have had trouble with that in the past, so this year with my lack of mobility I shouldn't be surprised that it's worse. I forget appointments if I don't write them down right away...didn't I do that before though? I do worry though, because I have noticed when I am doing homework that I don't retain things as easily as I did....it has to be quiet for me to do a reading assignment, and I used to do it with the tv on, or in a room full of people at school talking and being obnoxious...so what's different? I am pretty stressed out lately...thinking about money and bills and hoping everything keeps on smoothing out the way it has along this whole horrible ordeal.
I don't think I've ever been through so much hell in my life. It's so strange to look back and say, holy shit I made it through that. I can't believe it. Sometimes I think I've made it through the worst, and sometimes I feel like the worst is yet to come. The physical worst is over, the emotional worst is still gathering its force, I'm afraid. I have too much time to sit and think...too much time to worry about the kids, worry about Carl and I, bills, my health, how everything I do and everything I plan is so different. I can be mad about that sometimes....I get over it quickly, but dammit I deserve to be mad. I can't believe sometimes how very huge this accident has been....how it's changed every facet of my life and so many others...how unfair. How can the law possibly be fit enough to assign a punishment that justifies the hell we have gone through because of his actions? I don't even know where to begin.
I'm scared about work. I have to meet with Occupational Therapy soon and be evaluated to see how much of my job duties I'm capable of performing at this point. What if I can't do some things? What if I get back to work and have to relearn parts of my job like I had to relearn other things? What if my forgetfulness isn't just stress and I can't do parts of my job safely? It's hard to even read these words in black and white...it's so stark and real and frightening.
I know that no matter what, God is watching over me. He has brought me through mountains I never thought I'd have to climb, and I know in my faith I will be fine...just need to churn out some thoughts before they start to eat at me.
