I wish I had started a journal right after the accident...I guess the fact that I had 2 arm casts and too much pain to type may have limited that decision....
Yesterday I was reading the awesome journal my mom kept of my progress after the accident. It brought me back to the things I was feeling at those different times, and I feel like I need to do some catchup journaling of my own to remember.
I have no memory of the crash. I don't remember leaving the house that morning for work. Carl says it was one of our "cute" mornings...we were goofing on each other as I got ready for work, and I'm sure I kissed him and said an "I Love You" before heading out the door...wish I remembered that. I cherish every kiss, every glance, every minute I have with him now, because that kiss was almost our last. It gives me chills to see that in black and white. So my first memory of that day is when I regained consciousness soon (minutes?) after the crash, and I didn't even have full comprehension of where I was or what had happened...my lower body was held in my seat by the seatbelt but I had been thrown from the shoulder harness and my upper body was in between the 2 front seats, my head must have been on or close to the middle seat of the van and I must have landed on my backpack judging by the broken things in itwhen I got it back afterward...it was dark, cold and damp...I saw gray light sparkling on broken glass all around me, and I was gasping for breath. I didn't feel any pain somehow, but I knew I was very badly hurt, that something was wrong with my left lung and I shouldn't breathe too deeply, but I knew I needed to yell for help, to get someone to notice me. I couldn't remember what day it was, and whether or not the kids were in the car with me and I was so afraid that they were hurt too, or worse...it was so quiet. And then I lost consciousness again...or at least I lost memory. A deputy that was on the scene called me 2 weeks after the accident to see how I was doing. She said she was amazed at how alert and calm I was with so many injuries, but I don't remember any of that. A girl named Traci, the one who saved my life by calling the ambulance and holding my bloody hand until they came...I will never forget what she did for me and as soon as I get a better grip on things around here, I'm going to get in touch with her again. We've spoken a few times since I've been home but I don't want to lose contact with her.
My next memory is waking up in Luther Hospital's ER in a huge amount of pain. I hurt everywhere. My mom was leaning over me and Carl was there too...I was so out of it I couldn't reallly even talk to them or fully comprehend what they were saying to me...I just knew I hurt and I kept saying my babies are ok, my babies are ok...and then they were rushing me to surgery. I remember waking up later that night on the ventilator, in soo much pain, and seeing mom, right there by my side, as always. I asked her what happened...and she told me I had been in a car accident. I cried and nodded...and fell back asleep. I remember waking up and seeing Carl standing in the room, holding Natalia. She recognized me! I could tell by her eyes she recognized me through all of the bandages and tubes and cuts and bruises...I think this was the 2nd day...I cried and smiled and cried...I was trying to hold my arms out to her and couldn't because of the chemical restaint used to keep me from pulling out the vent tube...it was soooo wonderful to see my sweet baby girl even though I couldn't hold her...I remember the kids coming in and me trying to whisper I love yous...my sister, brother, dad, sooo many family members and friends stopping by and that part is such a blur. The first few days I only remember bits and pieces...
