Eight years since I woke up in Heaven. Eight years, during which, I've learned about forgiveness. Forgiving the man who altered my life course so dramatically, who caused me immeasurable pain, the stranger who drunkenly ran a stop sign, eight years ago.
I have witnessed deep physical pain, deep spiritual growth, the deepest depression, and the deepest love and gratitude. I have also experienced the most intense rage. All because of the experiences I've had since this crash. I am grateful for each experience, for the bad along with the good, for the realizations and the epiphanies and the tears, because they have all made me who I am.
I know, and I knew the day of the crash, that man had no intention of hurting me that day. He was a victim of his illness, his habitual drinking, as is noted by his repeated OWIs. I just happened to be on my way to work, crossing that intersection at the very moment he ran that stop sign, and broadsided my van. I think of him occasionally now, send him prayers, and hope that he has found sobriety and peace.
I don't think I actually forgave him until a year or two ago. I was so terrified to admit how angry I was at him, how enraged I was at this person, someone I had never met and yet he had managed to nearly kill me, altering everything in my life ever since. Immediately after the crash, when my family told me it had been a drunk driver who had caused the accident, I just cried. I told myself I forgave him. I was too afraid to face that rage. I knew I needed to heal, and holding onto that anger would not help me in my recovery. That anger was like a poison, it seeped into my bones, it burned inside every time I ached or couldn't do something because of a physical roadblock or pain. I let it go. I forgave him. He truly didn't intend to hurt me.
After several years of pain, depression, panic attacks, etc, I finally just got QUIET. I learned to listen to how I was feeling and why, without guilt, without pain, without fear; to just listen, ask why, and also, how is this emotion going to serve me? If it didn't help me heal, I learned to let it go. Feelings of worthlessness started to melt away, the deepest depression started to lift from my life, and I realized that I needed to move on. It's time to stop stuffing down the feelings and start coping with them. Ignoring them will only make them bigger, more debilitating. The beautiful thing about forgiveness is that you can't forgive someone else without also forgiving yourself. Forgiveness is what I needed to truly learn to manage my pain. The pain has not gone away, my loving acceptance of it has helped me to cope with it better. My ability to see the gifts in spite of the pain, or maybe because of the pain.
Sometimes I have felt like I just needed to get over all of this; sometimes I have to remind myself that it's hard to get over something that is still a part of your every day. A limp, a scar, an ache, a flashback or a trigger...there is not a day without some or all of them. But I own them now, instead of feeling like their victim. I stopped being afraid of the judgments of others, and I stopped harshly judging myself.
Thank you everyone, for loving me through this, for knowing the depth of what I've gone through and not losing patience or faith in me. I love you all, and am so very thankful for the people who have saved my life.
I'm healing. I'm halfway there, I swear!
If any of you reading this would like to share your stories with me, please leave your comments here for me. I want people to know that we all struggle here, we all have pain and difficulty, and if we can reach out to one another for encouragement, let's do that. We're all in this together. Namaste!!
