This has been such a lesson in letting go of how I WANT things to be, and accepting how things ARE. The quiet and loving silence of TRUTH. It is now my friend.
I have made so much progress in the past year. I wish I had had more time to post about it but I was too busy 'fixing' me. I healed by leaps and bounds, would find my limits again and this time listen to them instead of rage against them, and just accept it. I'm a slow learner. I'm used to getting my way. Meh.
I'm afraid to go through rehab again. To feel I'm getting better, to feel hopeful, and then to hit that brick wall again, the one I've become too familiar with, but I've learned to lie back and love the sky I see over the top of that wall, rather than continue to bash my head against what I can't plow through. I've seen some amazing suns rise and set on this wall. I am not depending upon an incredible outcome in order for me to be "ok." I am just deciding to be ok.
I'm afraid of feeling that deep sadness that I felt after the disks in my back got so bad a few years ago. I have made a slow and incomplete recovery from that, and I've learned to live with it...I've been stubborn about it, stopped all therapies, not wanting meds or injections or P.T. anymore, because it just gave me false hope of feeling better, which never happened, and the crash into that damn wall just got so tiresome after a while. No more. I am turning my back on that wall, I am taking a right, I am going around. It looks like the Great Wall of China sometimes; others, it's just a crack in the sidewalk. I can stand there, shouting at that wall like a crazy person and hating it for being in my way, or I can just walk beside it, grazing it with my fingertips to remember why it's there, enjoying the scenery along the way, because my life does not exist at the base. I am my life. I am not a roadblock. And, what is crazy, anyway?
I may look at that wall sometimes, I may even paint beautiful pictures on it of me dancing in high heels, smiling and laughing without a trace of pain in my eyes. That feels like going in reverse, though, and I can't change it, being wistful doesn't help me. Being grateful does. So, probably the picture that I'd paint would look more like a sunrise, or a sunset, or whatever picture brings me the most peace at that moment. I am not my limitations. I am not my scars, my medical history, or my tears. I am me. I am loved. I am amazing. I am so strong, even when I feel weakest.
So, it will be ok. The surgery will free me of some pain in the long run. I have been through tougher rehab than a simple hip revision. I can do this. I am thankful for a road to travel. I will recover. I will continue to do what I do, better all the time, and I will love the hell out of every single day and all of the amazing people I am blessed to have in my days. I will go on. :)
And, look at this pretty picture of a grapevine that I took while hiking! Lou almost had to carry me back, because my leg hurt so bad. Yup, time for some new scar tissue. LOL
