Today, I'm thinking about how grateful I am that I get to stay home and raise my children. Yes, I would make more money if I worked outside the home 40 hours a week. No, I would not be able to get the medical clearance, I would not do well or feel well, or be happy, nor would my kids be as well-adjusted and centered as they are. No, they're not perfect. But they are great kids. They are REAL, human, fun-loving kids. Sometimes I question my ability to guide them through a situation or difficulty, but we always make it. I haven't run out of resources yet.
The reason I think about this a lot is because, for the majority of my two oldest boys' lives, I worked full-time. I still read them bedtime stories after a home-cooked meal at the dinner table with the kids and helped them with homework. But I always felt so hurried, on a timeline, always behind. I regret not knowing how to relax into each moment with them, I hadn't yet shed my caustic and constant worrying mind.
Things I do miss about working outside the home. I miss an orderly environment, designated clean and dirty areas, a set break time, going to the bathroom without a detailed conversation through the door, and the assurance of a shower before everyone else uses all the hot water. I don't miss bosses, deadlines, patients dying or suffering beyond my control as chronic illness often demands, being confined to the scope of a practice I no longer put full faith in, or wearing shoes. Or, getting out of my pajamas before I'm damn good and ready.
A few years ago, I finally threw in the towel. It was not my choice. I had been told by doctors that it was my "best option at this time." I had much healing to do, and was not allowing my body, mind and spirit to DO that healing. I resented that I couldn't just GET better. I hated my very bones for not just DOING what I wanted them to do. I still have days when I wish I could be saving lives. But, I am. I am saving my kids' lives, and the other kids that I'm blessed to have in my life, saving them from growing up without the self-awareness and other life skills that are such an important part of personal success. I see the truth in it now. I also see the great gift. The gift of healing for not only myself, but for my kids, too. This is so important.
I never would have allowed myself "permission" to stay home and raise my kids. I lived by my work, I had to make money to feed the family, that's always how life was and I did not expect it to be different until I was well beyond retirement age, and I was perfectly ok with that. Never questioned it. It was just reality. I probably used to make jabs at stay-at-home moms, mostly out of jealousy and guilt that I wasn't able to stay home with my kids, too. Now I admire any parent who is able and willing to take on the endless task of running a household, full-time. Work used to feel like a vacation sometimes. Being home full-time is great fun, very rewarding, and also, very difficult.
I've always thought that, since I am the mother of five children, that I've always taken my job/responsibility very seriously. "If I have been blessed with these lives, I will do my best by these lives." Not, "I will do my best with 'my' kids." They are not mine. They are not possessions. I live by that. I will not be The Old Woman Who Lived In A Shoe. I DO know what to do with these kids. I WILL love them endlessly, I HAVE and will continue to teach them to be compassionate and be kind and generous, and responsible, and ABLE, to know that they deserve excellent treatment and opportunities, and to be thoughtful and happy and well-read and to QUESTION. Everything.
"Because I said so" is not in my vocabulary. Do not be sheep. I may be your shepherd, (for now) but you are not sheep. "Trust your instincts. Trust that feeling in your belly, what does it tell you?" "Look at her face when you say that to her, what do you think she is feeling?" They are more self-aware than most adults I know. Many endless conversations about decisions and consequences are had in this house, not only concerning discipline, but environmental consequences, social consequences, emotional consequences, etc. I am the mother of many critical thinkers. This process starts young. I remember looking into each of my babies' eyes, and seeing such wisdom I thought to myself, "They are already so brilliant. Oh, dear lord, what have I gotten myself into?" The most intense love of a lifetime, that's what. The potential of each life in this world is staggering. I don't always know best. But I know I am deeply blessed. My kids teach me as much, if not more, than I teach them. And I will do my best to do right by them, always.
I don't post in detail about my kids very often, they are so precious to me that I feel this fierce sense of protection over them, that if I describe them or my relationship with them and how we live, I'm exposing them to the judgment of others and I have no tolerance for judgment. I also have no desire to assume I have the right to write about them simply because I am their mother. They deserve privacy, and I respect that.
But, goddammit are they amazing. And I am thankful that, in spite of the hurt and heartache of not being a successful nurse or director of nursing somewhere important by now, I am very grateful for the opportunity to BE here. To listen to them. To play with, to work with, to make a difference in kids' lives. That is the why. :)
The longer I am home, the more I start to let go of the external focus that drives so many of us, and also leaves us so emotionally starving and empty. It starts at home!! What does? EVERYTHING.
