More good news

I talked to a Mayo person today about worker's comp. It looks like it's all going to be covered. She was wonderful. I am so relieved. What they will do is cover everything and then sue him for the bills. Poor guy...he'll never be anything but poor I'm afraid. My bills are already over 120,000 and I'm not even half done with therapy, and the kids haven't started their counseling yet either. All of this hell because someone drove drunk. Pretty incredible the devastation it causes. You don't really think about it until you're in it...I mean, of course you think "Oh, I won't drink and drive, i would hate if I hurt someone or myself..." but you just don't even realize the full impact it has on someone until it crushes you into the steering wheel and shoves a trach tube down your throat, leaves your body scarred and screaming and your family reeling and lost. It's huge. So huge I can't even describe in words the full impact this has had on my life, on everyone's lives. Amazing. And yet, I still feel so lucky...and I've managed to take so much good from every day, well almost every day...and I know things will get better.

Damn TBIs

OK, some things I've noticed. I'm not sure if it's the TBI or just stress and depression/anxiety, but I've noticed I am easily distracted and irritable lately. The thing is, I'm only really like that with Carl...so I guess I can't blame it all on the TBI if it's isolated incidents like that eh? Or is it SAD? I know I have had trouble with that in the past, so this year with my lack of mobility I shouldn't be surprised that it's worse. I forget appointments if I don't write them down right away...didn't I do that before though? I do worry though, because I have noticed when I am doing homework that I don't retain things as easily as I did....it has to be quiet for me to do a reading assignment, and I used to do it with the tv on, or in a room full of people at school talking and being obnoxious...so what's different? I am pretty stressed out lately...thinking about money and bills and hoping everything keeps on smoothing out the way it has along this whole horrible ordeal.

I don't think I've ever been through so much hell in my life. It's so strange to look back and say, holy shit I made it through that. I can't believe it. Sometimes I think I've made it through the worst, and sometimes I feel like the worst is yet to come. The physical worst is over, the emotional worst is still gathering its force, I'm afraid. I have too much time to sit and think...too much time to worry about the kids, worry about Carl and I, bills, my health, how everything I do and everything I plan is so different. I can be mad about that sometimes....I get over it quickly, but dammit I deserve to be mad. I can't believe sometimes how very huge this accident has been....how it's changed every facet of my life and so many others...how unfair. How can the law possibly be fit enough to assign a punishment that justifies the hell we have gone through because of his actions? I don't even know where to begin.

I'm scared about work. I have to meet with Occupational Therapy soon and be evaluated to see how much of my job duties I'm capable of performing at this point. What if I can't do some things? What if I get back to work and have to relearn parts of my job like I had to relearn other things? What if my forgetfulness isn't just stress and I can't do parts of my job safely? It's hard to even read these words in black and white...it's so stark and real and frightening.

I know that no matter what, God is watching over me. He has brought me through mountains I never thought I'd have to climb, and I know in my faith I will be fine...just need to churn out some thoughts before they start to eat at me.

OK that's better

I keep thinking of that dumb commercial where they say, "What a difference today makes!" Because I feel much better today. I am rid of both armcasts now and only need them when I am out and it's icy. Carl and I had a long talk last night and decided we like each other too much to let some drunk 23-year-old ruin our awesome marriage. Well...I'm awesome anyway. And Carl is well-hung, so...

I have 3 sick kids home today...flubug of some kind, icky tummies and headaches , runny noses and coughs. My stomach has been rumbly for 2 days so I suppose I'm next. lol gives me something to do. Sick...

I am making a list of all of the ways this accident has affected our lives. I will be giving a victim impact statement in a week or so at the hearing, and I read that DA letter and so much more has come into play since then. I seem to be having a harder time now than I did weeks ago...maybe it was the morphine. lol Physically, I'm doing so much better, I'm doing more and more all the time...but emotionally I am so beat. I am sick of sitting here all the time...I'm sick of hurting...I think maybe being in pain has brought my spirits down...and I thought sticking to ibuprofen would be best for me, but I always hurt. Have to talk to the doc about that tomorrow.

Carl and I are going to start taking the kids to counseling. This has had such a huge impact on everyone, and most of all I want to be sure the kids and Carl come through this ok. Yet another chapter unfolds in the saga of drunk driver bullshit. LOL

Yeah Yeah...

I thought I should do a post today but I am too negative. I don't like Carl. I am achy and tired and crabby...so I probably shouldn't post because it won't be pretty. This thought keeps going through my head: What is wrong with me? What do I want? What will make me feel better?And a voice answers, I want a divorce, I want a divorce, I want a divorce. LMAO but it's so not funny...I don't think I really want a divorce but I am sure tired of dealing with a spoiled, arrogant man who acts out instead of dealing with his emotions...kind of like my 3 year old.

I'll post tomorrow after my doc appointment tomorrow. I hope he tells me I can get rid of this God blessed cast on my left arm, or I may bite off his bushy eyebrows.

Healing

How am I healing? At about 10 weeks post-accident, here's the latest.
My right arm is still a little tender and weak, but I have full use of it, and my hand. My nose is straight and almost cute! LOL and the scars on my face have really faded. Thank God for good makeup though. Ok, I am still a little vain. There is still some glass in my chin and lip, but it isn't painful so I hesitate to have the doc cut me open to pull it out and give me more stitches. It'll come out sometime. lol The swelling in my face is nearly gone, although the skin is still numb and lately feels like there are spiders running over the top of my head and forehead. We all know how much I like spiders. Icky feeling...but it's good because it means the nerves are regenerating and I'm regaining feeling in those numb areas. My hip is totally healed and I'm walking with just a slight limp. My leg does tire after awhile, but I try hard to ignore that. My left arm is still in the splint, but I am stubborn and take it off to do dishes, shower, and sleep. I kept it on for a month solid and am gradually strengthening now...my left hand is still not 100%...my ring finger doesn't straighten all the way and I can't make a fist yet. That's what therapy is working on now, and as I thought, it will be the slowest injury to return to normal. I work with that hand a lot each day... My stomach incision is sore this week...probably from being way more active cuz I feel so good...but it's healed well and I think I'm even gaining some weight back. I've been on antibiotics for the last 3 weeks with sinus trouble, which will likely always be the case as my body isn't able to fight infection as it used to without my spleen. Gotta love antibiotics. ugh.

I help Carl make supper each night. I bathe the 3 little ones each night and tuck them into bed. (I have to add that it hurts to do this but I just have to cuz I'm anal about bath/bedtime routines) I help Zack and PJ with their homework, and I clean the house and do laundry...it does my spirits a lot of good to walk across clean floors everyday!! My baby girl lets me put her to sleep now, before she only wanted daddy. And I drove, by myself, on Clairemont Ave last week. I didn't even shake until after I got out of the car. lol I know I'm getting well enough to be out and about more because I am so bored...the house is so clean it hurts. I've reorganized almost all of the cupboards and bedrooms...so next, back to work? No one's given me a return date yet, but you bet I'll be asking at my next appointment. I only have to get the ok from about 4 different docs. Carl looks so nervous each time I mention going back to work. I know I'm at least a few weeks away but it gives me something to look forward to. I imagine the docs d on't want me lifting much since they had a fit when I said it hurt my arm to lift the baby... And I know I couldn't handle a 12-hour day like I used to, not yet. A few weeks ago, I'd have one or two 'good' days and then I'd be exhausted. Now I have about 4 good days in a row and then the 5th day I take a 2-hour nap...so that's better! Even God needed a rest on the 7th day, man.

All in all, I'm doing well. More doc appointments next week to chart my progress, and then we'll have a better idea of how I'm doing.

More Angels

Time for a really uplifting post. Before this accident, Carl and I were so busy with kids, work and school that we didn't make time for our friends, we didn't do things outside of home unless it was with the kids, and we just really kept to ourselves. Carl and I are so much alike in the fact that we have had very little faith in human nature, and since we found total faith and great company in each other, we have just nurtured our relationship and the family. I have said so many times, "I don't like people. I love taking care of sick people because they are appreciative, and I feel good knowing I am making a difference for them...but I don't like the general public because they are horrible to each other and I want no part of it." This accident has really proven me wrong. I cannot believe the number of people who have reached out to us. My coworkers made our Christmas wonderful, Mom's coworkers made our Christmas wonderful...and our family has been SO unbelievably supportive, I just bubble over with love for all of them for being so good to us during this time. You have all renewed my faith in human nature, and proven to me that goodhearted people are everywhere. I am sooo looking forward to being healed and able to repay all of the wonderful people who have helped us in so many ways. You are all my angels and I am so grateful for you all.

More Crap

For the last 3 days, my Carl has been having anxiety attacks. He used to have them a long time ago, before we were married, and now they're back. Since we've been together I don't remember him ever having one. I know it's because he's juggling so much right now...the kids' daycare schedule, work pressures, doing for the kids what I still can't here at home...I wish he'd listen to me and just get some medication to help him get through this. As well as we're all doing, this is friggen HARD. I mean, harder than almost anything I've ever been through in my life. It's frustrating to see Carl try so hard and now to feel like he can't even breathe, and just sitting still and trying to draw a deep breath is difficult. I feel sorry for him...I hope they get better, if not I'll have to tie hm up and forcefeed him benedryl just to make him calm down. He was doing so much better too...

Gabe and Kianna were playing last night, and Kianna's lying on the floor with her eyes closed, and she's whispering to Gabe, "come here husband. I was in a car crash. my arms and my hip are broken, and I have owies on my face. I can't talk good cuz I had a tube in my throat. Bring me my baby, I miss her so much." At which point Gabe hands her a carebear and she hugs it tight and closes her eyes. And Gabe says, "we're playing pretend, and Kianna was hit by a drunk driver." what a game for kids to play, eh? So they played it out for like 15 minutes while Carl and I watched with teary eyes. It's interesting to see it from their perspective. I know it's healthy for them to act out their feelings, and so I was relieved to see them do that. When they were done, we talked a bit about the accident...how textbook, eh? It was awesome.