I meant to get in here after each court hearing and update everyone, and I just haven't found time for much of anything with all that's going on around here.
Here's the latest--the driver of the other vehicle is trying hard to weasel his way out of the felony charges, and until today, I thought if he could cough up enough cash, I might think about it. But today, I had an appointment with my surgeon after having a month and a half of pain and misery, and I have bad news.
I have developed avascular necrosis, which basically means that part of my damaged hip joint has died. It's not a huge portion, and it's pretty common after the injury and surgery I had to my hip, but it means I am back to a cane, I'm on pain meds and have 2 new fractures in my hip due to the dead, brittle bone in there now. So now, we wait and see, and within a year we'll know whether or not it heals on its own, or if I need a total hip replacement, which doesn't make me happy at all. The prognosis for my nursing career at this point is not good...so, since I have been served my sentence, I feel it's only fair that the fella who caused this be served his fair sentence as well...and I'm thinking 6 months to a year in prison is a light term compared to what I have to deal with for probably the rest of my life.
Ok, so now I'm finally mad. Now, my beloved career and my livelihood are in jeopardy because of a drunk driver. I am nailing his balls to the wall and not letting up until I feel his sentence is just.
Tuesday, November 21, 2006
Wednesday, August 30, 2006
What today?
Today, I go to court, maybe to give a "victim impact statement" about my feelings regarding the accident. I have thought so many times about what I would say when the time came, about all of the things that I want this man to understand...and I think what I'm most afraid of, is that he still won't get it. I'm afraid he still won't be able to see how horrible this has been for my family and I, and that he will be angry or display in some way his disdain for me because I am the one who is sentencing him...just thinking like an alcoholic does, and I am sure his anger for me is great, and that he blames this on me and not himself. I hope I'm wrong...I hope he has some sense of responsibility and remorse for what has happened...but I'm not holding my breath.
Maybe what I should do is type out what I want to say to this guy...maybe that would help me gather my thoughts and make sense of all the things I need him to become aware of.
I sit here today a healed woman, a stronger woman than I ever thought I would be, or NEED to be. I've recovered amazingly against nearly impossible odds, surprising my doctors, family, and everyone who knows me. You are probably sitting here thinking that I don't show any signs of the injuries I've recovered from...but I see it. I see my many scars, I feel it every day, as my hip and left leg don't move the way I want them to. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even now, 10 months later. My hands throb every day, my head is still numb, the left side of my face doesn't always move the way it should, and my eye, lips and chin bear scars that will not go away without more surgery that I'm not so eager to have...pain is something I've become too familiar with in the last 10 months, and voluntarily going through more pain is not high on my list. I am scatterbrained...the doctors say this is normal and should be resolved within a year, maybe 2 years of the accident...I'm forgetful and easily irritated or frustrated at times. I feel like an old woman now, like this has aged me more than day to day life ever would.
My family has suffered incredibly because of this accident. while I was in the hospital, my husband, mother and father would not leave my side for the first week. My brother and sister, my brother-in-law and his wife took turns caring for our kids while I was in and out of surgery, in and out of consciousness, in casts and on a ventilator. My children couldn't see me for nearly a week, my husband was afraid that it would be too scary to them, with all of the tubes and bandages and my swollen face. My babies had to go to bed each night without their mama tucking them in...something that's unheard of in my house. For nearly a month, my kids were tucked in by someone else, whether it was aunties or uncles, or grandma...but it wasn't me. Even after I returned home, thin as a rail and both arms in splints, in a wheelchair, I couldn't have my kids sit in my lap. I couldn't turn the pages of a book we would read, I couldn't bathe them or climb the stairs to tuck them in...I couldn't even bathe myself. I couldn't cook for my family, or clean our big house or do our laundry...thank God for my wonderful family and friends who visited and helped us with all of that.
I couldn't eat for almost a month, but received nourishment from an IV in my arm. My weight dropped to 121 pounds which, on a 5'10" frame, is not healthy.
When I think back to how difficult everything was, each day a struggle and each task seeming endless...I am not sure what kept my spirits so high. I didn't complain much, I just did what I could and pushed and pushed until the things I couldn't do started to come easily again. Brushing my teeth. Feeding myself. Showering alone. Dressing alone. Walking. I didn't walk for 2 months, and for 2 months after that it was with a walker. Doing laundry. Cooking a meal by myself. Opening a bottle or jar without help. I still can't ride a bike, or run like I used to. I couldn't drive for 4 months, and even then it was difficult to handle, emotionally. I missed 4 months of work, and had to take a semester off of nursing school to recover. I should have graduated in May, but now I won't be finished until this December. I can't wrestle with my boys like I did a year ago, or play ball every day in the yard with my kids. But I'm getting there...I hope I keep on getting better as I have been, I won't accept that I may not be 100% again, I'm just not ready to believe that.
My marriage has suffered terribly. We have a very strong commitment to each other and our children, but this accident and all of the circumstances surrounding it have tested our marriage to its absolute limit. It makes me sad to think that something totally out of my control has had such a negative affect on the most important things in my life. I have been taking anti-anxiety medication since April to help me handle the anxiety attacks I have while driving. My husband is taking antidepressants to help him cope with all of the horrible things he's dealt with, especially the awful time when, thank God, I was unconscious and don't remember.
I don't say all of these things to place blame, or to make anyone feel horrible over this accident. I just need to convey a tiny bit of what has been our lives over the last 10 months. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to understand everything we've been through, that is impossible. But I fully expect that Luke Fox will think about everything that his actions have meant to me, how his decision that day affected ME, my family, and our lives, and we'll never be the same again. I have already served my sentence because of his actions, and will probably do so for the rest of my life. In my future, my broken bones will most likely be pained with arthritis, my ruptured spleen leaves me vulnerable to infection and serious illness, and my family and I will never forget how fragile life is, or how uncertain. Children should never have to wonder if their mama is coming home, if she'll be ok again, and my kids were forced to deal with all of this--not because of my decision, but the decision of someone else. I wasn't given a choice. I just wanted to go to work that day. So I hope that I'm not the only driver who was forever changed by this accident, but that Luke Fox has learned a huge lesson as well, and that he will never again make the decision he made that morning. That is my greatest fear, that he is allowed to do this, or worse, to someone else.
Maybe what I should do is type out what I want to say to this guy...maybe that would help me gather my thoughts and make sense of all the things I need him to become aware of.
I sit here today a healed woman, a stronger woman than I ever thought I would be, or NEED to be. I've recovered amazingly against nearly impossible odds, surprising my doctors, family, and everyone who knows me. You are probably sitting here thinking that I don't show any signs of the injuries I've recovered from...but I see it. I see my many scars, I feel it every day, as my hip and left leg don't move the way I want them to. I struggle to get out of bed in the morning even now, 10 months later. My hands throb every day, my head is still numb, the left side of my face doesn't always move the way it should, and my eye, lips and chin bear scars that will not go away without more surgery that I'm not so eager to have...pain is something I've become too familiar with in the last 10 months, and voluntarily going through more pain is not high on my list. I am scatterbrained...the doctors say this is normal and should be resolved within a year, maybe 2 years of the accident...I'm forgetful and easily irritated or frustrated at times. I feel like an old woman now, like this has aged me more than day to day life ever would.
My family has suffered incredibly because of this accident. while I was in the hospital, my husband, mother and father would not leave my side for the first week. My brother and sister, my brother-in-law and his wife took turns caring for our kids while I was in and out of surgery, in and out of consciousness, in casts and on a ventilator. My children couldn't see me for nearly a week, my husband was afraid that it would be too scary to them, with all of the tubes and bandages and my swollen face. My babies had to go to bed each night without their mama tucking them in...something that's unheard of in my house. For nearly a month, my kids were tucked in by someone else, whether it was aunties or uncles, or grandma...but it wasn't me. Even after I returned home, thin as a rail and both arms in splints, in a wheelchair, I couldn't have my kids sit in my lap. I couldn't turn the pages of a book we would read, I couldn't bathe them or climb the stairs to tuck them in...I couldn't even bathe myself. I couldn't cook for my family, or clean our big house or do our laundry...thank God for my wonderful family and friends who visited and helped us with all of that.
I couldn't eat for almost a month, but received nourishment from an IV in my arm. My weight dropped to 121 pounds which, on a 5'10" frame, is not healthy.
When I think back to how difficult everything was, each day a struggle and each task seeming endless...I am not sure what kept my spirits so high. I didn't complain much, I just did what I could and pushed and pushed until the things I couldn't do started to come easily again. Brushing my teeth. Feeding myself. Showering alone. Dressing alone. Walking. I didn't walk for 2 months, and for 2 months after that it was with a walker. Doing laundry. Cooking a meal by myself. Opening a bottle or jar without help. I still can't ride a bike, or run like I used to. I couldn't drive for 4 months, and even then it was difficult to handle, emotionally. I missed 4 months of work, and had to take a semester off of nursing school to recover. I should have graduated in May, but now I won't be finished until this December. I can't wrestle with my boys like I did a year ago, or play ball every day in the yard with my kids. But I'm getting there...I hope I keep on getting better as I have been, I won't accept that I may not be 100% again, I'm just not ready to believe that.
My marriage has suffered terribly. We have a very strong commitment to each other and our children, but this accident and all of the circumstances surrounding it have tested our marriage to its absolute limit. It makes me sad to think that something totally out of my control has had such a negative affect on the most important things in my life. I have been taking anti-anxiety medication since April to help me handle the anxiety attacks I have while driving. My husband is taking antidepressants to help him cope with all of the horrible things he's dealt with, especially the awful time when, thank God, I was unconscious and don't remember.
I don't say all of these things to place blame, or to make anyone feel horrible over this accident. I just need to convey a tiny bit of what has been our lives over the last 10 months. I don't expect anyone to ever be able to understand everything we've been through, that is impossible. But I fully expect that Luke Fox will think about everything that his actions have meant to me, how his decision that day affected ME, my family, and our lives, and we'll never be the same again. I have already served my sentence because of his actions, and will probably do so for the rest of my life. In my future, my broken bones will most likely be pained with arthritis, my ruptured spleen leaves me vulnerable to infection and serious illness, and my family and I will never forget how fragile life is, or how uncertain. Children should never have to wonder if their mama is coming home, if she'll be ok again, and my kids were forced to deal with all of this--not because of my decision, but the decision of someone else. I wasn't given a choice. I just wanted to go to work that day. So I hope that I'm not the only driver who was forever changed by this accident, but that Luke Fox has learned a huge lesson as well, and that he will never again make the decision he made that morning. That is my greatest fear, that he is allowed to do this, or worse, to someone else.
Monday, August 28, 2006
New Truck!
I bought a new truck last Thursday. Paid cash for it. I never thought I'd be able to do that in my life, and it felt good. It's a small reward for going through such an awful ordeal, but I knew that if I got nothing else out of this accident I wanted to get a bigger, safer vehicle to carry my babies in and I did. This truck would eat a Chevy Silverado for lunch, and I love it!! It's a Ford Expedition, silver with big ole tires and 8 roomy seats for all of my babies to ride in style. And guess where we're taking it this weekend? Mall of America baby, where we will let the kids spend some money foolishly because we can. Bills are paid, debt is down, and we are finally feeling like we will be ok.
Thank God.
Thank God.
it has to come out
something in me just needs to come out tonight, I need to write and write and write, and pour my heart out like I haven't done in so long...I've had so much hurt in my heart with all that's been going on that I haven't even been able to write about it, it just made it too real and the lump in my throat just wouldn't go away for days...
It's incredible that one person can feel so much hurt, so raw and open and pulsing, feeling like I would break open if someone looked into my eyes and searched what was there...it's hard for me most of the time to look right in someone's eyes these days...I feel like most people can't take what they see in my gaze, and I don't want them to. I can barely take it sometimes.
My biggest hurt right now is the new realization of how close I came to losing everything that is important to me....and I don't mean my LIFE, because I knew that I would keep that...that was God's promise to me when he sent me back here to my broken body, where I'd wake up and ask over and over what happened to me, all the while knowing full well that I had nearly stayed on the other side, and often wished I had, because the pain in that broken body was so great I could barely stand it. Most of the time, I just thought over and over about my wedding day, about the births of each of my children, about every beautiful Christmas and birthday and first words and bike rides and HUGS...LAUGHTER...all of the things that we all experience in life but don't realize how huge and important they are...I thought of all of them, and they kept me strong. They helped me get well, they gave me courage in a time when I felt like a slight breeze would make my heart stop or cause my chest to cave...my babies kept me strong, my love for my husband kept me strong, my amazing family and friends that I knew were praying for me...you all kept me here, in your presence, and for that I will always be thankful.
I think it's also because of that love for my husband, my need to stay here and raise our children together, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him behind because of my selfish desire to stay in the beautiful place I visited while my body was so torn and battered...and that's why God brought me back, my angels carried me and told me to be strong, to breathe deep and heal, to dig in and work hard to get better so I could get home to my family and do the work God had here for me...and I am. I do it every day, and I know I belong here...for now. So, when Carl was so horrible to me, when his words were weapons and he used them to spear me and cut my beautiful soul (because it IS beautiful, we are all beautiful inside you know) I started to feel so much anger...I felt like he was murdering me, that I was dying inside even as my outside ceased to show the signs of my horrible battle to survive....and I can't ever make him understand that, and I don't ever want to try, because if he knew how badly he cut me in his struggle to deal with all that was on his shoulders during this awful time, he would never forgive himself. And I'm ok...I'm the strong one, I'm the one who will hold his hand and help him make sense of all this...I've known forever that this is my job in our marriage, to walk hand in hand with him and bring him to know himself and God better...so I forgive him...and I love him more every day, as I watch him learn more about himself, and open up to me in ways he's never opened to anyone...and loving him more as he tells me how he's understanding how amazing I am, and he understands my purpose here and is learning his own strengths...and I know it's worth it. I know we're on the right path, I know the strength we have now will not be shaken...and the hurts will be washed away, and the glue that bonds us will be unbreakable. So now I can finally cry over all the horrible words that were said, and the anger is gone, and the tears wash away the pain and forgiveness takes the place of fear and hurt. Thank God for this understanding, thank God for always having His hand on our hearts and bringing us through...I thought I was a strong person before...but now, I have no fear. I know I can do anything, because God is here, in my heart, and He keeps me safe.
It's incredible that one person can feel so much hurt, so raw and open and pulsing, feeling like I would break open if someone looked into my eyes and searched what was there...it's hard for me most of the time to look right in someone's eyes these days...I feel like most people can't take what they see in my gaze, and I don't want them to. I can barely take it sometimes.
My biggest hurt right now is the new realization of how close I came to losing everything that is important to me....and I don't mean my LIFE, because I knew that I would keep that...that was God's promise to me when he sent me back here to my broken body, where I'd wake up and ask over and over what happened to me, all the while knowing full well that I had nearly stayed on the other side, and often wished I had, because the pain in that broken body was so great I could barely stand it. Most of the time, I just thought over and over about my wedding day, about the births of each of my children, about every beautiful Christmas and birthday and first words and bike rides and HUGS...LAUGHTER...all of the things that we all experience in life but don't realize how huge and important they are...I thought of all of them, and they kept me strong. They helped me get well, they gave me courage in a time when I felt like a slight breeze would make my heart stop or cause my chest to cave...my babies kept me strong, my love for my husband kept me strong, my amazing family and friends that I knew were praying for me...you all kept me here, in your presence, and for that I will always be thankful.
I think it's also because of that love for my husband, my need to stay here and raise our children together, I couldn't stand the thought of leaving him behind because of my selfish desire to stay in the beautiful place I visited while my body was so torn and battered...and that's why God brought me back, my angels carried me and told me to be strong, to breathe deep and heal, to dig in and work hard to get better so I could get home to my family and do the work God had here for me...and I am. I do it every day, and I know I belong here...for now. So, when Carl was so horrible to me, when his words were weapons and he used them to spear me and cut my beautiful soul (because it IS beautiful, we are all beautiful inside you know) I started to feel so much anger...I felt like he was murdering me, that I was dying inside even as my outside ceased to show the signs of my horrible battle to survive....and I can't ever make him understand that, and I don't ever want to try, because if he knew how badly he cut me in his struggle to deal with all that was on his shoulders during this awful time, he would never forgive himself. And I'm ok...I'm the strong one, I'm the one who will hold his hand and help him make sense of all this...I've known forever that this is my job in our marriage, to walk hand in hand with him and bring him to know himself and God better...so I forgive him...and I love him more every day, as I watch him learn more about himself, and open up to me in ways he's never opened to anyone...and loving him more as he tells me how he's understanding how amazing I am, and he understands my purpose here and is learning his own strengths...and I know it's worth it. I know we're on the right path, I know the strength we have now will not be shaken...and the hurts will be washed away, and the glue that bonds us will be unbreakable. So now I can finally cry over all the horrible words that were said, and the anger is gone, and the tears wash away the pain and forgiveness takes the place of fear and hurt. Thank God for this understanding, thank God for always having His hand on our hearts and bringing us through...I thought I was a strong person before...but now, I have no fear. I know I can do anything, because God is here, in my heart, and He keeps me safe.
Too Long
It's been too damn long since I posted in here...so much has happened over the last few months, so many things that have broken my heart and made me feel as though every step forward made me fall backward into a pit of muck. I hate that feeling.
School ended well, my GPA didn't suffer in spite of all the changes that had been going on around me. It's so funny to read these earlier posts, at a time when I was still so fragile in my world that I couldn't comprehend everything around me at once, I had to digest it in stages, like a 7 course meal that takes hours to finish.
I started taking anti-anxiety meds in April, after Carl having to slam on the brakes to avoid a fender bender and I blacked out...and my heart rate didn't return to normal for 4 days, causing me to take a trip to ER where they drugged me with Zanax and sent me home, to meet with my doctor later in the week. Now I'm on Celexa, and it helps me relax and has decreased my anxiety so much, I feel normal again.
Not long after my freak-out, Carl had a breakdown of his own. He's been steadily drinking more and more...never getting obnoxiously drunk or fall-down, piss-pants drunk, just having 5 or 6 beers a night, which is not something he's ever done before. I didn't say anything about it, i knew he was trying to cope and we've gone through this before, he hits bottom and realizes he's drinking too much, and he stops. I don't need to nag at him, he'll figure it out. Not this time. this time, he got mean. Not physical, but verbally abusive... After the first time, I had a long talk with him about needing to see the doc about antidepressants and going to counselling...it helped me so much to talk to someone else about all that was going on with me. He was all apologetic, promising to never get that way with me again, and I believed him. The second time, he came home from a night out with the boys absolutely drunk and mad as hell...he yelled and screamed and swore at me until I locked myself in my room and called his brother and best friend to come get him. When they got there, he was finally calm, but got all bent out of shape again and almost ended up fighting with his brother...I have never seen him like that before, so full of rage and hatred that he would swear at his wife and threaten his brother. I was so mad at him...but at the same time, I felt so sorry for him, I knew that he was struggling so much and trying so hard to find a way to deal with everything surrounding the car accident. We had a long talk, one of those conversations that continued for days, him promising to never treat me that way again, and me forgiving him and talking to my doc about his need for antidepressants, and if he had another outburst like that, he would have to go live somewhere else until he got help managing his anger. he agreed. Things were better for a while, and then 4th of July weekend, he was drinking at our family get-together and tripped and hurt himself in the dark...which the rest of us found hilarious until we realized he had been hurt, then we felt bad...but too late, he was furious and I was a f*cking bitch and a c*nt, and my family was shit and he punched my step dad's nephew in the face for taking a picture of him when he fell...it was so out of control and so totally out of character for him, I felt like I didn't even know him. He ended up leaving that night, driving home alone and calling my cell and leaving angry messages during the night...I stayed at mom's and the kids and I had fun...although I kept thinking about him and wondering what would happen next...but I had made up my mind...either he would get help, or he would be moving out. I divorced my first husband for the exact same behaviors my wonderful, dedicated 2nd husband was displaying...and it ripped my heart out. I would not put my family through that pain again. I got home from mom's at 9:30 the next night, and I tucked the kids into bed and just talked a little with Carl...I was still too hurt to be able to voice my full feelings and concerns, and I knew if I spoke before I had a handle on my emotions that our marriage would be over. The next day, we were able to talk, Carl was so sincerely sorry and would do anything to save our marriage but understood completely if I would want him to leave...I was so torn, I had told him if he did that one more time I would make him leave...and I really wanted him to leave...but I also knew I was not the source of his anger, I was just his target...so, he had a choice--go to counseling, go on antidepressants, stop drinking--or go find somewhere else to live. He's been on antidepressants since July, they have done wonders and he has been talking a lot to my doctor who is probably better than most counselors in the area. So we're ok. I think. Sometimes I'm so angry at him for treating me to poorly, after all we've been through. I had my moments too, i was hard on him and lashed out at him angrily and I made my counseling appointments and got help...I think that's why I was so mad, I saw my needs and took care of them...it took him almost losing me because of his stupid temper and insecurity, and all this after nearly losing me to a senseless car accident. Makes my blood boil. So now, we're better friends than we've ever been, more honest and appreciative of each other and talking things out before they get to be too much. So far, so good. The man I married and the sweet, sensitive person I knew was deep down inside there finally started to surface again. I think it's been scary to Carl that I have changed so much...in a good way, but it must be unnerving to him to see his wife changed like I have. I have such a deep understanding of why things work the way they do, and I live as if I don't have any time to waste...because I don't. I know that, and I think it's to scary and real for him to be able to deal with sometimes. I think he always knew he married a strong woman, but now he sometimes looks at me in awe, like I'm made of steel...but I know I'm made of stronger things than that. ;-)
School ended well, my GPA didn't suffer in spite of all the changes that had been going on around me. It's so funny to read these earlier posts, at a time when I was still so fragile in my world that I couldn't comprehend everything around me at once, I had to digest it in stages, like a 7 course meal that takes hours to finish.
I started taking anti-anxiety meds in April, after Carl having to slam on the brakes to avoid a fender bender and I blacked out...and my heart rate didn't return to normal for 4 days, causing me to take a trip to ER where they drugged me with Zanax and sent me home, to meet with my doctor later in the week. Now I'm on Celexa, and it helps me relax and has decreased my anxiety so much, I feel normal again.
Not long after my freak-out, Carl had a breakdown of his own. He's been steadily drinking more and more...never getting obnoxiously drunk or fall-down, piss-pants drunk, just having 5 or 6 beers a night, which is not something he's ever done before. I didn't say anything about it, i knew he was trying to cope and we've gone through this before, he hits bottom and realizes he's drinking too much, and he stops. I don't need to nag at him, he'll figure it out. Not this time. this time, he got mean. Not physical, but verbally abusive... After the first time, I had a long talk with him about needing to see the doc about antidepressants and going to counselling...it helped me so much to talk to someone else about all that was going on with me. He was all apologetic, promising to never get that way with me again, and I believed him. The second time, he came home from a night out with the boys absolutely drunk and mad as hell...he yelled and screamed and swore at me until I locked myself in my room and called his brother and best friend to come get him. When they got there, he was finally calm, but got all bent out of shape again and almost ended up fighting with his brother...I have never seen him like that before, so full of rage and hatred that he would swear at his wife and threaten his brother. I was so mad at him...but at the same time, I felt so sorry for him, I knew that he was struggling so much and trying so hard to find a way to deal with everything surrounding the car accident. We had a long talk, one of those conversations that continued for days, him promising to never treat me that way again, and me forgiving him and talking to my doc about his need for antidepressants, and if he had another outburst like that, he would have to go live somewhere else until he got help managing his anger. he agreed. Things were better for a while, and then 4th of July weekend, he was drinking at our family get-together and tripped and hurt himself in the dark...which the rest of us found hilarious until we realized he had been hurt, then we felt bad...but too late, he was furious and I was a f*cking bitch and a c*nt, and my family was shit and he punched my step dad's nephew in the face for taking a picture of him when he fell...it was so out of control and so totally out of character for him, I felt like I didn't even know him. He ended up leaving that night, driving home alone and calling my cell and leaving angry messages during the night...I stayed at mom's and the kids and I had fun...although I kept thinking about him and wondering what would happen next...but I had made up my mind...either he would get help, or he would be moving out. I divorced my first husband for the exact same behaviors my wonderful, dedicated 2nd husband was displaying...and it ripped my heart out. I would not put my family through that pain again. I got home from mom's at 9:30 the next night, and I tucked the kids into bed and just talked a little with Carl...I was still too hurt to be able to voice my full feelings and concerns, and I knew if I spoke before I had a handle on my emotions that our marriage would be over. The next day, we were able to talk, Carl was so sincerely sorry and would do anything to save our marriage but understood completely if I would want him to leave...I was so torn, I had told him if he did that one more time I would make him leave...and I really wanted him to leave...but I also knew I was not the source of his anger, I was just his target...so, he had a choice--go to counseling, go on antidepressants, stop drinking--or go find somewhere else to live. He's been on antidepressants since July, they have done wonders and he has been talking a lot to my doctor who is probably better than most counselors in the area. So we're ok. I think. Sometimes I'm so angry at him for treating me to poorly, after all we've been through. I had my moments too, i was hard on him and lashed out at him angrily and I made my counseling appointments and got help...I think that's why I was so mad, I saw my needs and took care of them...it took him almost losing me because of his stupid temper and insecurity, and all this after nearly losing me to a senseless car accident. Makes my blood boil. So now, we're better friends than we've ever been, more honest and appreciative of each other and talking things out before they get to be too much. So far, so good. The man I married and the sweet, sensitive person I knew was deep down inside there finally started to surface again. I think it's been scary to Carl that I have changed so much...in a good way, but it must be unnerving to him to see his wife changed like I have. I have such a deep understanding of why things work the way they do, and I live as if I don't have any time to waste...because I don't. I know that, and I think it's to scary and real for him to be able to deal with sometimes. I think he always knew he married a strong woman, but now he sometimes looks at me in awe, like I'm made of steel...but I know I'm made of stronger things than that. ;-)
Monday, May 22, 2006
Tomorrow
Court is tomorrow. I'm nervous about it...soooo nervous. I'm so afraid that I'll have to testify...and more afraid that when I do, this guy still won't have the faintest understanding of the trials my family and I have been through since this accident. I still hurt everyday...I still cry almost every night because of the frustration and pain I have. My hands hurt me constantly. Since returning to full duty, I am having tingling in my hands at feet at the end of the day, an electric shock kind of feeling running down my right leg. I have to go see a physiatrist about that, and also a plastic surgeon for the scars on my face. Everyone is so nice and says they don't even notice them...but I notice them. I see how my lips don't close evenly over my teeth, and how my left eyelid droops and left eyebrow sits higher on my face than the right. I don't think I should be left with these scars, with half my face looking so different from the other...I know I should be grateful that these scars are as minimal as they are...and I am. But I don't want to look in the mirror every day and be reminded, I don't want to wonder if every person I talk to is looking at my scars and wondering what happened to me, or judging me because of how my face looks. It's bad enough I have a huge scar from my sternum to the top of my pubic bone, and a 5 inch scar down my left leg from my hip surgery, and the scar on my right wrist that caused someone in my class to ask if I had attempted suicide. Nice. My left hand is kind of odd-looking, with the "road rash" look and the odd movement of my fingers from the fractures. I still worry that I won't have full function of that hand...I guess I fake it good enough because the doctors were eager to release me from their care. I guess I don't complain enough? I had 2 appointments with 2 different doctors, and neither of them asked me about my pain. I guess I'm so used to the pain now that it's not foremost in my mind...
Monday, April 24, 2006
What now?
Here are my concerns this week. I have this nagging visual disturbance. It's like poking a few holes through a piece of paper and holding it up to the sun...those spots are in my left field of vision occasionally. sometimes they're white, sometimes they're silver, sometimes they're dark and look almost like a cloud of gnats sitting there in front of me. I think I should see a neurologist.
My depth perception is off. I hit my head on things because that skin that would sense an object moving near, is numb. then, the bumping makes it more numb. My lips and chin are really numb again this week too, that had been better. Even my eyelid and nose are numb lately. I feel a ridge in my eye socket that feels like it might have been broken. I have to remember to ask the doc to show me my records so I can see if that's true or if it's just scarred connective tissue under there.
My hip hurts so badly lately. I made the mistake of holding Gabe in church for 10 minutes on Sunday...and I've been limping ever since. I am so frustrated with this limitation that I can't do anything for but wait. I am not very patient anymore.
I'm crabby lately. I feel like Carl has gotten tired of helping with the kids, and now that I can almost do it all, he's just assuming I WANT to do it all. As great as it is to be doing well, I can't do this all on my own. I know he's gotten burnt out, as he had to do most everything around here for 3 1/2 months, but the truth is...it makes me sad that it took a debilitating accident to make me feel like we were working more as partners than ever before. We took turns bathing the kids and getting them to bed. We both did household chores, he had to do all the driving and errand-running, he took the kids to and from daycare...so I know he's tired...but now i feel like I'm not able to take as much pleasure out of raising my kids, because I feel like I'm raising them alone a lot of the time. He just hangs his head when I try and talk to him about it...and I know how he feels. It's hard work, setting the example and teaching and loving your kids into obedience, and being there for them always. but that's what we signed up for. That's what we do. And I need him to do it with me.
My depth perception is off. I hit my head on things because that skin that would sense an object moving near, is numb. then, the bumping makes it more numb. My lips and chin are really numb again this week too, that had been better. Even my eyelid and nose are numb lately. I feel a ridge in my eye socket that feels like it might have been broken. I have to remember to ask the doc to show me my records so I can see if that's true or if it's just scarred connective tissue under there.
My hip hurts so badly lately. I made the mistake of holding Gabe in church for 10 minutes on Sunday...and I've been limping ever since. I am so frustrated with this limitation that I can't do anything for but wait. I am not very patient anymore.
I'm crabby lately. I feel like Carl has gotten tired of helping with the kids, and now that I can almost do it all, he's just assuming I WANT to do it all. As great as it is to be doing well, I can't do this all on my own. I know he's gotten burnt out, as he had to do most everything around here for 3 1/2 months, but the truth is...it makes me sad that it took a debilitating accident to make me feel like we were working more as partners than ever before. We took turns bathing the kids and getting them to bed. We both did household chores, he had to do all the driving and errand-running, he took the kids to and from daycare...so I know he's tired...but now i feel like I'm not able to take as much pleasure out of raising my kids, because I feel like I'm raising them alone a lot of the time. He just hangs his head when I try and talk to him about it...and I know how he feels. It's hard work, setting the example and teaching and loving your kids into obedience, and being there for them always. but that's what we signed up for. That's what we do. And I need him to do it with me.
New Battles
Today, I'm tired. I am so glad things are getting so normal again that I can have a day where I crab at my husband for not doing something I asked him to...or 3 or 4 days where he didn't do what I asked him to...when I can be frustrated with the dishes undone and the reading assignments I put off to tuck in my babies. I can tuck in my babies. And I have a husband to yip at who puts up with me, and I, with him.
I've had a few memories come back to me recently. I think I already wrote about the memory of the walk across the yard out to the van the morning of the accident, or maybe I've just talked about it with my mom and sister, I'm not sure...
It was still dark out, a little breeze was blowing through the trees...and suddenly, I felt this overwhelming urge to run, to jump into that van, as if something was waiting for me in the dark...that paralyzing fear that we've all had as a child, but that we reason away as we get older...I laughed at myself as I closed the van door. I don't get spooked! What was that? This is a safe place, my home. What am I afraid of? Another discordant fragment of the feeling of impending doom that Carl and I felt over our heads for months before this day. I've learned that my gut instinct does not lead me astray. Those little nods of conscience that let us in on the unspeakable from time to time. Don't ignore them. Those are your angels speaking to you...and yes, sometimes the things they whisper are frightening...but not hearing their warning is even scarier, even life-threatening. They are there to protect you, to guide us all, and to bring us love and comfort when this shitty place called earth leaves us bitter and alone.
I'm bitter today, I'm angry. I don't give in to that emotion very often as it just doesn't do me any good...it's not going to make my hands stop throbbing, it's not going to make my leg behave the way I want it to, it's not going to erase the scars and the limp I have when it rains...no, it's not a myth after all...but I do think that I have to allow myself to deal with the anger as well as seeing the silver lining in this enormous cloud, because it's all part of what happened, it's all part of me and my life now. "God grant me the serenity..." Another thing I've learned is that we are closer to the spiritual world than we think. It's right here, they are always around. Our loved ones don't leave us for long, they watch over us and keep watch while we are unaware of things to come. We go through our days, self-important and self-accommodating...and they watch us. Our guardians watch us with knowing eyes, wishing we could know and see the things they know and see, but also understanding the danger that knowledge can bring. We are all such silly people...this world would be such a better place if we could all peek through that window now and then...
Mom, this next memory may be too graphic for you to read, you don't need to put yourself through this because I know that this is probably a part of my accident that you don't need to know, that it will make it all too real to you when already this is so real you and I both, we wish we could close the book. But the book will be written, the story will be told...just know that this next little blurb is pretty gory and maybe tell Rog to read it before you do? LOL Ok I know, I'm trying to protect you...thinking of boxing and gory movie scenes and mom leaving the room because her empathetic soul feels everyone's pain as her own...
Another memory came to me not long ago...it's one that drives me crazy because I don't remember any of the events around it, it's like a snapshot in my head of the accident, and I can't make sense of it all because I don't remember it all...I'm too logical of a person to accept that, so I think on it, and think on it, and think...but at the same time, I'm afraid that I WILL remember, that it will come back to me and I'll be haunted by that as well. I don't remember the moments just before the crash, I just have what I call an "impression..." an emotion...I remember feeling the urgency to stop, doing everything in my power to stop that van, pressing that brake to the floor, gripping that steering wheel, willing it to stop with every fiber of my being...and angry and helpless because I knew it was too late for me to do anything to change what was about to happen. I remember thinking, just before hearing that horrible crunch and twist of metal, and my scream, "this is not going to come out good. God be with me..." And isn't it funny that I had time to think that, and to feel what I felt...and yet, I have no picture in my mind, no visual memory of what happened at that time. My next visual memory is of Lucas's pale face and light hair, his front seat, his bracing himself against the driver's side door just before we collided...my eyes locked with his, eyes the size of saucers, staring into mine as I thought "I'm going to end up in his front seat" as my van slid sideways into his truck, my door colliding with his and I felt like I was spinning, like a ragdoll tossed out my window, my arms being thrown away from my control and out the window as it smashed and that must be when I hit my head and lost consciousness...that must be when my arms were broken and my hand was so badly cut. I felt like I was spinning on a fast, horrible merry-go-round. Someone said to me not long ago, "so, did your van just kill out after the crash, or was it still running?" And I replied, "well, I guess it stopped running about the same time the tranny and radiator smashed into the passenger seat. Probably then." ? Yeah, for real. LMAO It's just too much reality for many people to ponder...it was for me, before it happened to me. You hear of this kind of thing all the time...but you can't imagine the cold horror of it, the careening out of control and the sounds and smells, the frantic shouts of rescuers, the emergent tone to their voices, the cold blood dripping into your eyes, the damp wind blowing through the broken windows and making you shiver but you can't move to pull your jacket tighter...you just can't voluntarily be a part of that, you can't put yourself in that place. It's too awful. Even as I write this, I feel bad for making others read of something that is too harsh and real. "warning--objects in new post are as graphic as they appear"
I remember the EMTs or firefighters, whoever runs the jaws of life...I remember them telling me they were going to cut into the van to get me out...I couldn't move, I was afraid to move...maybe I could have moved my arms if I wanted but I felt as though they were pinned to my sides and crossed over my chest...I don't know if that's how I was positioned or not, I felt like I was floating. I remember hearing that saw cut into the van, and a window shattered and I screamed so loud! I heard the glass fall all around me, and men working and telling me it was ok, they were going to get me out...they sounded so intent on their job, working as fast as they could to reach me...and I took comfort in that. I moved my feet and heard glass crunch under my shoes...and then I didn't try and move them anymore. I remember trying so hard to remember my phone number, and saying the numbers so slowly to Traci...I couldn't do it! And the numbers finally came, and I was so relieved. I'm going to be ok. Carl will know where I am. The kids are safe with him. I'm ok, I'm ok, my babies are ok...in and out of consciousness I went.
I drove home from Menomonie after work a week ago, and I decided to drive past the intersection where my life changed. I had only been on that road one time since the accident, and I had a panic attack, Carl nearly pulled over. Well, we all know how well I deal with something having power over me like that, so I had to deal with it. I drove through that intersection, I saw the place where my van sat teetering on the embankment, and I marvelled at the fact that I'm here and doing so well 5 1/2 months later. What a miracle. That's the only way I can explain it. I saw the grouping of deep green pine trees that I flew over the top of, as my angels whooshed me to the hospital to meet my body as it came in the ambulance. I remember the chest tube and swearing and fighting at the pain, I remember my mom, and I told her and Carl I'd be ok, my babies were ok, I was ok...
I've had a few memories come back to me recently. I think I already wrote about the memory of the walk across the yard out to the van the morning of the accident, or maybe I've just talked about it with my mom and sister, I'm not sure...
It was still dark out, a little breeze was blowing through the trees...and suddenly, I felt this overwhelming urge to run, to jump into that van, as if something was waiting for me in the dark...that paralyzing fear that we've all had as a child, but that we reason away as we get older...I laughed at myself as I closed the van door. I don't get spooked! What was that? This is a safe place, my home. What am I afraid of? Another discordant fragment of the feeling of impending doom that Carl and I felt over our heads for months before this day. I've learned that my gut instinct does not lead me astray. Those little nods of conscience that let us in on the unspeakable from time to time. Don't ignore them. Those are your angels speaking to you...and yes, sometimes the things they whisper are frightening...but not hearing their warning is even scarier, even life-threatening. They are there to protect you, to guide us all, and to bring us love and comfort when this shitty place called earth leaves us bitter and alone.
I'm bitter today, I'm angry. I don't give in to that emotion very often as it just doesn't do me any good...it's not going to make my hands stop throbbing, it's not going to make my leg behave the way I want it to, it's not going to erase the scars and the limp I have when it rains...no, it's not a myth after all...but I do think that I have to allow myself to deal with the anger as well as seeing the silver lining in this enormous cloud, because it's all part of what happened, it's all part of me and my life now. "God grant me the serenity..." Another thing I've learned is that we are closer to the spiritual world than we think. It's right here, they are always around. Our loved ones don't leave us for long, they watch over us and keep watch while we are unaware of things to come. We go through our days, self-important and self-accommodating...and they watch us. Our guardians watch us with knowing eyes, wishing we could know and see the things they know and see, but also understanding the danger that knowledge can bring. We are all such silly people...this world would be such a better place if we could all peek through that window now and then...
Mom, this next memory may be too graphic for you to read, you don't need to put yourself through this because I know that this is probably a part of my accident that you don't need to know, that it will make it all too real to you when already this is so real you and I both, we wish we could close the book. But the book will be written, the story will be told...just know that this next little blurb is pretty gory and maybe tell Rog to read it before you do? LOL Ok I know, I'm trying to protect you...thinking of boxing and gory movie scenes and mom leaving the room because her empathetic soul feels everyone's pain as her own...
Another memory came to me not long ago...it's one that drives me crazy because I don't remember any of the events around it, it's like a snapshot in my head of the accident, and I can't make sense of it all because I don't remember it all...I'm too logical of a person to accept that, so I think on it, and think on it, and think...but at the same time, I'm afraid that I WILL remember, that it will come back to me and I'll be haunted by that as well. I don't remember the moments just before the crash, I just have what I call an "impression..." an emotion...I remember feeling the urgency to stop, doing everything in my power to stop that van, pressing that brake to the floor, gripping that steering wheel, willing it to stop with every fiber of my being...and angry and helpless because I knew it was too late for me to do anything to change what was about to happen. I remember thinking, just before hearing that horrible crunch and twist of metal, and my scream, "this is not going to come out good. God be with me..." And isn't it funny that I had time to think that, and to feel what I felt...and yet, I have no picture in my mind, no visual memory of what happened at that time. My next visual memory is of Lucas's pale face and light hair, his front seat, his bracing himself against the driver's side door just before we collided...my eyes locked with his, eyes the size of saucers, staring into mine as I thought "I'm going to end up in his front seat" as my van slid sideways into his truck, my door colliding with his and I felt like I was spinning, like a ragdoll tossed out my window, my arms being thrown away from my control and out the window as it smashed and that must be when I hit my head and lost consciousness...that must be when my arms were broken and my hand was so badly cut. I felt like I was spinning on a fast, horrible merry-go-round. Someone said to me not long ago, "so, did your van just kill out after the crash, or was it still running?" And I replied, "well, I guess it stopped running about the same time the tranny and radiator smashed into the passenger seat. Probably then." ? Yeah, for real. LMAO It's just too much reality for many people to ponder...it was for me, before it happened to me. You hear of this kind of thing all the time...but you can't imagine the cold horror of it, the careening out of control and the sounds and smells, the frantic shouts of rescuers, the emergent tone to their voices, the cold blood dripping into your eyes, the damp wind blowing through the broken windows and making you shiver but you can't move to pull your jacket tighter...you just can't voluntarily be a part of that, you can't put yourself in that place. It's too awful. Even as I write this, I feel bad for making others read of something that is too harsh and real. "warning--objects in new post are as graphic as they appear"
I remember the EMTs or firefighters, whoever runs the jaws of life...I remember them telling me they were going to cut into the van to get me out...I couldn't move, I was afraid to move...maybe I could have moved my arms if I wanted but I felt as though they were pinned to my sides and crossed over my chest...I don't know if that's how I was positioned or not, I felt like I was floating. I remember hearing that saw cut into the van, and a window shattered and I screamed so loud! I heard the glass fall all around me, and men working and telling me it was ok, they were going to get me out...they sounded so intent on their job, working as fast as they could to reach me...and I took comfort in that. I moved my feet and heard glass crunch under my shoes...and then I didn't try and move them anymore. I remember trying so hard to remember my phone number, and saying the numbers so slowly to Traci...I couldn't do it! And the numbers finally came, and I was so relieved. I'm going to be ok. Carl will know where I am. The kids are safe with him. I'm ok, I'm ok, my babies are ok...in and out of consciousness I went.
I drove home from Menomonie after work a week ago, and I decided to drive past the intersection where my life changed. I had only been on that road one time since the accident, and I had a panic attack, Carl nearly pulled over. Well, we all know how well I deal with something having power over me like that, so I had to deal with it. I drove through that intersection, I saw the place where my van sat teetering on the embankment, and I marvelled at the fact that I'm here and doing so well 5 1/2 months later. What a miracle. That's the only way I can explain it. I saw the grouping of deep green pine trees that I flew over the top of, as my angels whooshed me to the hospital to meet my body as it came in the ambulance. I remember the chest tube and swearing and fighting at the pain, I remember my mom, and I told her and Carl I'd be ok, my babies were ok, I was ok...
Tuesday, April 11, 2006
It's Been Too Long!!
Has it really been this long since I posted?? I guess school and work keep me busier than I thought. Yes, I'm back to school. Yes, it's going beautifully. Maintaining A's in my classes, and enjoying it even more than last semester. It feels so good to be part of society again, and I'm feeling less and less like...the leftover part of a horrible scream. That's how I've felt. I know it sounds strange to think of it like that, but I felt like the raw, throat-burning, headachy part of a huge scream....like I would fall apart if anyone blew on me or touched me, like vital parts of me were missing and I was just holding on to a thread of who I was...and now I feel like me again. There are some differences...people who didn't know me before could probably never pick them up...but I notice, because it's me. I am flightier. I am easily distracted, and have to concentrate more. The docs say that may get better with time, they are confident that it will as "90% of people say within a year it disappears." Or, this may be something I have to live with. Good thing I'm a good list-maker. A good thing about my "different"...I appreciate my kids and family even more. I wouldn't be caught with a schoolbook in my hand if my kids are home or awake. I'm with the kids. I'm playing. We're raking leaves, going for walks, playing games, watching movies together, talking, doing homework--theirs, not mine--I'm enjoying my marriage even more...I knew Carl was wonderful and appreciated him a lot before this...but now, I absolutely cherish him. We've come through one of the worst things a person can imagine, and we're stronger for it. Our family is stronger, our love is stronger, our appreciation for life is stronger. My faith is definitely changed, it is absolutely unshakable. I thought it was sturdy before, but now, I have no doubts that I am on the right path. I am so grateful...God took my by the hand and pulled me and my family through this, there's no question.
Work is wonderful. I'm back at my old stomping grounds, Luther Hospital. I miss Menomonie but love caring for the acute patients that dialyze at Luther, and the staff is fun...they all seem so glad to have me back, and are showing me the ropes as it's been a long time since I worked there. I think I'll get the hang of it. My first day back at work, one of my patients said, "you've still got your old touch, I didn't feel a thing," after I put his needles in. I could have cried. Slowly, I'm weaving my life blanket again, and this time, it has some beautiful colors and threads that I never noticed before...but they've always been there. I just didn't have the opportunity to see them...kind of like, I didn't see the forest for the trees. Life is now. It is beautiful. And I am loving every minute of it, not wasting a second.
Work is wonderful. I'm back at my old stomping grounds, Luther Hospital. I miss Menomonie but love caring for the acute patients that dialyze at Luther, and the staff is fun...they all seem so glad to have me back, and are showing me the ropes as it's been a long time since I worked there. I think I'll get the hang of it. My first day back at work, one of my patients said, "you've still got your old touch, I didn't feel a thing," after I put his needles in. I could have cried. Slowly, I'm weaving my life blanket again, and this time, it has some beautiful colors and threads that I never noticed before...but they've always been there. I just didn't have the opportunity to see them...kind of like, I didn't see the forest for the trees. Life is now. It is beautiful. And I am loving every minute of it, not wasting a second.
Monday, March 20, 2006
The First Almost Completely Normal Day!
Today, I got myself and three kids ready for school and took them to daycare, by myself. Today, I sat in a classroom with my peers for an entire day, and LEARNED. I carried my backpack, full of books, to and from my classes, by myself. I talked and laughed with my classmates, I asked questions of my teachers, and ate up everything they could teach me...
I picked up my kids after my classes, on my own. I put gas in my van, I came home to my husband making supper and had a great meal where we all talked, joked and laughed, as a family. Thank GOD. Thank God that I am well. Thank God I'm here. Thank you God, for my amazing family, and my awesome life. You gave it back to me, and You made it even better than it was before.
This day was the closest thing to normal I have had since before the accident. My hope is renewed again!!!
I picked up my kids after my classes, on my own. I put gas in my van, I came home to my husband making supper and had a great meal where we all talked, joked and laughed, as a family. Thank GOD. Thank God that I am well. Thank God I'm here. Thank you God, for my amazing family, and my awesome life. You gave it back to me, and You made it even better than it was before.
This day was the closest thing to normal I have had since before the accident. My hope is renewed again!!!
Thursday, March 09, 2006
I'm Really Me Again
I can't believe that I am finally feeling hopeful that I'll regain all of my strength and good health again. For months now, I've refused to even give a voice to my fears that I wouldn't be the same, I wouldn't be able to walk the same, move the same, look the same...and I finally feel that I am almost back to normal. I had a few very dark weeks recently...I felt like I was slipping, like I was losing my resolve, my hope, and all I could do was pray...and suddenly, the cloud is lifted. I got up one morning, I felt GOOD...I didn't hurt a lot, I didn't feel sad,I appreciated the day for just the fact that it was a day...MY day...every day is my day, and I choose what to do with it. I choose to go on. I choose to get better, I choose to let go of the anger, and to forgive, and to take so many lessons from this accident that I find myself grateful for all of the insight and experiences that this hurt and trouble has brought us...and I find myself in full appreciation of what I have, of who I am, and the person that this trial has shaped me into.
Now, I still have days like today, where I pushed myself beyond my limits and I am hurting for it, but I am not frustrated, I don't feel so entirely restricted and held back, and as though I wouldn't get the pieces of my life back that were scattered. I feel like I can go on...like I WILL go on, like my life will be even richer in some ways, because of the experiences this accident have brought us.
Now, I still have days like today, where I pushed myself beyond my limits and I am hurting for it, but I am not frustrated, I don't feel so entirely restricted and held back, and as though I wouldn't get the pieces of my life back that were scattered. I feel like I can go on...like I WILL go on, like my life will be even richer in some ways, because of the experiences this accident have brought us.
Friday, March 03, 2006
Doctors
Saw my regular doc yesterday, and he gave me a referral for evaluation, a "fitness for duty" eval. He said, "don't be surprised or disappointed if they say you need more time...you are healing fast, but you may need more time yet before you're ready for everything again." I know that...I think I will be ok if they do tell me I can't work yet...sad, but ok. I just want to be better...and I know that will take time, that's all there is to it.
I stepped on the scale, thinking I MUST be back at a normal weight, I feel good and my clothes fit better. Wellll, I had to get some new clothes because my old ones fell off my bones. sooooo, drumroll please...132 pounds!! I was 124 in December, so I'm getting there. I weighed somewhere under 145 before the accident...I had just lost a few pounds but not sure exactly how much...so it's good to know the numbers are going up again. I feel good at this weight. I want more muscle, but I'll get that back with time and healing, as I regain strength. Thankfully, the yoga I used to do each week has helped me keep a lot of my tone, and I am doing gentle stretches to regain my core muscle strength, and to decrease stress...gotta love yoga. <<>>
I talked to the doc about my short-term memory problem...sometimes, I will totally forget something that someone told me, or an appointment, or a phone message...annoys the hell outta me. He said it was perfectly normal, he's not surprised, but he's also not worried. He said to keep an eye on it, be aware of whether or not it gets better, but not to worry about it. Most likely, it will resolve with time. If it doesn't get better, I'll have a whole battery of memory and cognitive functioning tests to go through...I went through it once before, they did it before they'd discharge me from Luther, and I passed with flying colors...the funny thing is, I felt like I was sharper then...I had less to concentrate on, I could think about healing and pain only, I didn't have room yet for all of the other things...now, I'm home and life is full, kids and appointments and school and EVERYTHING...that I just forget things.
One thing I've noticed since the accident is I am SO much more patient with the kids, and people in general...not that I was short with the kids, but I was so stressed that I would lose my patience more quickly.
Natalia is finally mama's girl again. It's taken her and I four months to regain our closeness...and it's still not the same, and I still get sad sometimes because I had to stop nursing her so soon, but I'm glad now that she's my girl again. It absolutely broke my heart when she would hold her little arms up to Carl instead of me...or when she would shy away from me completely...totally broke my heart. She was always my girl... Now, I have to be the one to put her to bed every night, or she cries. I have to feed her, or she cries. I have to cuddle her every minute, or she's vying for my attention. I love it. My baby is mine again...and I hope she never remembers that she lost her mama for a month, I can't imagine how a baby must feel when mom is her whole world, and suddenly she's gone. Damn that makes me mad. At least the other kids were old enough to understand where I was and why, and that I would be coming home again. Ok I can't talk about it anymore I'm getting mad again. LOL
My fitness for duty eval is next Friday...I am looking forward to it. I'm curious to see what kinds of tests they'll have me do, and what they will tell me. I hope it's good news...
I stepped on the scale, thinking I MUST be back at a normal weight, I feel good and my clothes fit better. Wellll, I had to get some new clothes because my old ones fell off my bones. sooooo, drumroll please...132 pounds!! I was 124 in December, so I'm getting there. I weighed somewhere under 145 before the accident...I had just lost a few pounds but not sure exactly how much...so it's good to know the numbers are going up again. I feel good at this weight. I want more muscle, but I'll get that back with time and healing, as I regain strength. Thankfully, the yoga I used to do each week has helped me keep a lot of my tone, and I am doing gentle stretches to regain my core muscle strength, and to decrease stress...gotta love yoga. <<
I talked to the doc about my short-term memory problem...sometimes, I will totally forget something that someone told me, or an appointment, or a phone message...annoys the hell outta me. He said it was perfectly normal, he's not surprised, but he's also not worried. He said to keep an eye on it, be aware of whether or not it gets better, but not to worry about it. Most likely, it will resolve with time. If it doesn't get better, I'll have a whole battery of memory and cognitive functioning tests to go through...I went through it once before, they did it before they'd discharge me from Luther, and I passed with flying colors...the funny thing is, I felt like I was sharper then...I had less to concentrate on, I could think about healing and pain only, I didn't have room yet for all of the other things...now, I'm home and life is full, kids and appointments and school and EVERYTHING...that I just forget things.
One thing I've noticed since the accident is I am SO much more patient with the kids, and people in general...not that I was short with the kids, but I was so stressed that I would lose my patience more quickly.
Natalia is finally mama's girl again. It's taken her and I four months to regain our closeness...and it's still not the same, and I still get sad sometimes because I had to stop nursing her so soon, but I'm glad now that she's my girl again. It absolutely broke my heart when she would hold her little arms up to Carl instead of me...or when she would shy away from me completely...totally broke my heart. She was always my girl... Now, I have to be the one to put her to bed every night, or she cries. I have to feed her, or she cries. I have to cuddle her every minute, or she's vying for my attention. I love it. My baby is mine again...and I hope she never remembers that she lost her mama for a month, I can't imagine how a baby must feel when mom is her whole world, and suddenly she's gone. Damn that makes me mad. At least the other kids were old enough to understand where I was and why, and that I would be coming home again. Ok I can't talk about it anymore I'm getting mad again. LOL
My fitness for duty eval is next Friday...I am looking forward to it. I'm curious to see what kinds of tests they'll have me do, and what they will tell me. I hope it's good news...
Friday, February 24, 2006
Crying
Well,I finally had the good cry I've been needing but for some reason just couldn't have...and once I opened the floodgates, it was hard to stop. I cried and yelled and swore and prayed, and wow,did I feel better when I was done. I needed that. I cried for all the tears everyone else has shed over my accident and all the worries, the pain, the inconvenience, the frustration, the sadness,the anger...the whole damn messin thing. I can't believe it took me this long to get to that point. I feel so much better now, like a big weight of sadness has been lifted from me. I know I'm so much better off now than I was 2 months, or even ONE month ago, but sometimes I just need to be sad.
My wedding rings should finally be fixed. We took them in 2 weeks ago, and I hope they were able to do something with them...I miss wearing them. I'm glad my left hand is finally healed enough for me to be able to wear them. Now if I could just get full use of it back...
My wedding rings should finally be fixed. We took them in 2 weeks ago, and I hope they were able to do something with them...I miss wearing them. I'm glad my left hand is finally healed enough for me to be able to wear them. Now if I could just get full use of it back...
Wednesday, February 22, 2006
What a GREAT day!
I felt so great today. I cleaned house, and did laundry, and straightened the kids' rooms even...usually I make them do that...and I hung out with Carl and Brian at work and went shopping with the kids and Carl, and came home to have supper and watch my American Idol. It was just a NICE day...pain wasn't horrible, I'm happy instead of trying not to be sad all the time...I just felt...GOOD. Gave the kids a bath, organized their things for daycare, gave Natalia her medicine and tucked them all in bed...attempted to help Zack with homework but when you leave your books at school it's hard to make use of them BOY I'M GONNA SMACK HIM UP!!! ugh. Love him to pieces but he is such a hardcore slacker I can hardly stand it sometimes. He must get that from his dad. LOL Nah, I was almost as bad in middle school...and high school even, until I found out I was pregnant with Zack. I don't want him to need the same incentive to get good grades and finish school...somehow I doubt it'd have the same affect on a male...ya think??
PJ told me he had his first kiss today...on the cheek. I told him he's grounded til he's 30. "Mom, WHY 30?" "Because by then you'll be mature enough to THINK about kissing girls."
Such a good day...a perfectly normal, less-than-usual achiness day. I needed that.
PJ told me he had his first kiss today...on the cheek. I told him he's grounded til he's 30. "Mom, WHY 30?" "Because by then you'll be mature enough to THINK about kissing girls."
Such a good day...a perfectly normal, less-than-usual achiness day. I needed that.
Tuesday, February 21, 2006
Reflecting
After an accident like this, I think about the mysterious ways of God...how any one of my many injuries could have been fatal, but God pulled me through. I think about the warning that came to me, the messages I kept trying to ignore, the feeling of impending doom that Carl and I both couldn't shake for 2 months before my accident...I think that was my angels trying to warn us. Then I think of the gifts I've taken from this--I've learned to see the good in people where before I only saw selfishness and cruelty...I've learned to never take a single minute for granted, to fully live and enjoy every breath. And I do! I really do now! I've learned that this family is strong enough to get through anything...and that I'm not wasting any more time. Everything I do has a purpose, a goal, a result--God gave me a second chance, I'm not wasting it. But my focus has shifted, I am intent on making a difference in my kids, in ALL my relationships, by always being open, and knowing that I'm here to serve, to do God's will. I learned that I was going way too fast in life--full-time work and school and kids...and now, it's just been about the kids--and that's how it should be. I'll never do that again. In fact, when I'm done with school, I might continue to work just one day a week, I owe it to the kids to be here more. My own personal goals are not more important than spending time teaching and loving my family. I also know that we are all teachers, we all have something to learn from one another, and something to teach one another. I learn some of life's greatest lessons from my kids! I think the hardest thing about being a parent is letting your kids make their mistakes, even when you want so much to protect them, and you KNOW they're not making the right choice...but you have to let them go, and learn for themselves. One day, as I sat here alone, it hit me--as hard as it is for me to do that for my kids--God does that for ALL of us by giving us free will, he watches us crash against the rocks and break our bodies and souls trying to find our way in the world, knowing that His way and His teachings make things so much easier to bear. The heartache and the burden He bears for us in that way...it was completely overwhelming, that His love is that great that He takes on all of that heartache. I broke down in tears that day, and cried like an errant child, and asked God's forgiveness and strength to make it through this and to do His will every day of my life. I want my teaching to be positive, I want people to be able to take away something good from their relationship with me, whether it's a 5-second conversation in the gas store or a lifelong companionship like my marriage, or my relationships with my kids. So, these are just a few of the blessings I've taken away from the heartache. I won't let the negative results of this accident cast a shadow over all of the beautiful things I've learned, I can't. It hurts too much to see it that way.
Prayer
This week, I am holding a special place in my prayers for some great people. My sister-in-law's mom, who has been fighting throat cancer, has been given 2-6 weeks to live. I don't know her well, but she is one of those people who absolutely dotes on her family...like Grampa. She's a gentle, loving person, and I'm so sad for Sheri that they are close to losing her. I offered to do hospice care for her when the time comes...Stu and Sheri were so good to us when I was in the hospital...they took care of Natalia for about 2 weeks of that time, maybe more...I don't remember everything about that now...man they drugged me up. lol But truly, I would be so honored to help them in any way I could, and hospice care is my specialty...well, it was once upon a time. You never forget how to do that kind of work though...
My mom's boss had a daughter who was in a very serious car accident, which left her with permanent brain damage, leaving her unable to make wise decisions for her 2 kids...she tried so hard to be a good mom, but her disability prevented her from that, and she was unable to let herself get the help she needed...pushing her family away and eventually the state took her kids away...and gave them to Mom's boss. Within weeks, Lindsay commit suicide, which sounds like it was something that she had tried before or the family was all afraid she'd do...what a horrible existence...to want so much to be able to achieve the things you want in life, but knowing that you just aren't capable of doing it without so much help. Reminded me of Shawn. I know she's in a beautiful place now, and she's at peace and doesn't know the torture that she did while she was alive...but I am keeping Denise and her other children and her grandchildren in my prayers. I've said it before and I'll say it again--God doesn't bring these horrible things upon us, but he does give us the tools to deal with them--the strength, wisdom, forgiveness, and grace. Most of all, love--some days, I don't know what I'd do without the warmth of God's love surrounding me. I pray that Sheri's family and Denise's family have that same warmth, that sense of peace. God, be with them during this awful time, and open their hearts to the gifts you're offering to help them deal with their tragedy--you are gracious and loving, and will lead them through this, and they'll become stronger and closer to you through your love. AMEN.
My mom's boss had a daughter who was in a very serious car accident, which left her with permanent brain damage, leaving her unable to make wise decisions for her 2 kids...she tried so hard to be a good mom, but her disability prevented her from that, and she was unable to let herself get the help she needed...pushing her family away and eventually the state took her kids away...and gave them to Mom's boss. Within weeks, Lindsay commit suicide, which sounds like it was something that she had tried before or the family was all afraid she'd do...what a horrible existence...to want so much to be able to achieve the things you want in life, but knowing that you just aren't capable of doing it without so much help. Reminded me of Shawn. I know she's in a beautiful place now, and she's at peace and doesn't know the torture that she did while she was alive...but I am keeping Denise and her other children and her grandchildren in my prayers. I've said it before and I'll say it again--God doesn't bring these horrible things upon us, but he does give us the tools to deal with them--the strength, wisdom, forgiveness, and grace. Most of all, love--some days, I don't know what I'd do without the warmth of God's love surrounding me. I pray that Sheri's family and Denise's family have that same warmth, that sense of peace. God, be with them during this awful time, and open their hearts to the gifts you're offering to help them deal with their tragedy--you are gracious and loving, and will lead them through this, and they'll become stronger and closer to you through your love. AMEN.
Mondays...
Well, as we recover from a stomach virus and ear infections, life is still ok. All of the kids but PJ were sick, and PJ just slept for 2 days straight which is what he decides to do instead of being sick like the rest of us. LOL! ALL LAST WEEK I had sick kids at home...I am exhausted. I had a final yesterday, and didn't study at all for it because I had sick kids to take care of, so I was a little nervous--til the teacher emailed me and said I only needed to get a 39% to pass the class! HA! But I got a 98%. Should have been 100%, but I second guessed myself on 2 questions. So now, I sit around on my ass and get fat for another month before I'm back in school 2 days a week again.
I spend so much time thinking about how bad I want to be back at work...and then I think, I just can't do it, I just can't do it yet...I'm scared I don't have the strength, my doctor doesn't think I'll have the endurance, and after running errands or attending a 3-hour class, I am wiped out...and my hands hurt so bad, and I'm limping. I don't know....I just want to make sure I'm ok, that I'm not heading back to work before I'm well enough to do it...I can't deal with another setback and if I push myself too hard, that's what I'll get. I see my doc on Thursday. I'll ask him what he thinks about all of this. Last week he didn't think I should be worrying about work yet. LOL Maybe this week he'll change his mind? lmao come on Lisa...
I'm also going to ask the doc to refer me to a dermatologist to get the scars lasered off my face. Everyone says they're not that bad, but they don't have to live with them. And like anyone's going to tell me they are hideous? I doubt it LOL. Makeup covers them pretty well but I don't like wearing that much makeup, I'm not a damn movie star. I don't think it's fair that I should have to put up with them, they weren't there before the accident and I am all for erasing any clues to the hell I went through. I'm so self-conscious, I hate when people look at me when I'm out in public because I think they're looking at my scars and wondering what happened to me. Carl and Mom say they're looking at me because I'm pretty...I never believed that before the accident, and they expect me to believe it now? LMAO silly fools...mwa ha haha ha...
I spend so much time thinking about how bad I want to be back at work...and then I think, I just can't do it, I just can't do it yet...I'm scared I don't have the strength, my doctor doesn't think I'll have the endurance, and after running errands or attending a 3-hour class, I am wiped out...and my hands hurt so bad, and I'm limping. I don't know....I just want to make sure I'm ok, that I'm not heading back to work before I'm well enough to do it...I can't deal with another setback and if I push myself too hard, that's what I'll get. I see my doc on Thursday. I'll ask him what he thinks about all of this. Last week he didn't think I should be worrying about work yet. LOL Maybe this week he'll change his mind? lmao come on Lisa...
I'm also going to ask the doc to refer me to a dermatologist to get the scars lasered off my face. Everyone says they're not that bad, but they don't have to live with them. And like anyone's going to tell me they are hideous? I doubt it LOL. Makeup covers them pretty well but I don't like wearing that much makeup, I'm not a damn movie star. I don't think it's fair that I should have to put up with them, they weren't there before the accident and I am all for erasing any clues to the hell I went through. I'm so self-conscious, I hate when people look at me when I'm out in public because I think they're looking at my scars and wondering what happened to me. Carl and Mom say they're looking at me because I'm pretty...I never believed that before the accident, and they expect me to believe it now? LMAO silly fools...mwa ha haha ha...
Monday, February 13, 2006
Kids must play...
Last night, Gabe and Kianna were playing house at the top of the stairs, with teddy bears and dolls. Kianna had a "momma bear" and she laid her on the ground, and took a toy car with Elmo in it, and said "elmo is lucas fox, and he is going to run over mama." She then takes the car, and crashes it into the mama bear, and then she and Gabe go through this whole ordeal where mom is in the hospital, and daddy brings the kids to see her, and she's hurt and tired, and then Gabe takes the elmo car, and says, "Lucas, you are a bad bad man for hurting my mama" and he throws the car down the stairs. I said, "Gabe, what happened to Lucas?" and he says, "He crashed up. He crashed in his own accident because he did something stupid, so now he's hurt and no one's helping him." Out of the mouths of babes...ok Gabe, a little morbid maybe, but at least he's finding a way to get out his feelings? LOL It's good to see the kids acting out their feelings instead of just holding it all in. I think Gabe is the one who's been the most affected by it, and he's finally calming down and becoming more like the "old" Gabe. My poor babies...I'd go through this pain every day for the rest of my life if I could take away all of the hurt this accident has put on my kids. It's just such a relief that things are slowly but surely returning to the way they were. And I keep reminding myself, the docs all tell me it could be a year or more before I feel 100% back to "me." That's a long time to wait for relief from someone else's big mistake. But I'm glad I've got the time! Thank God for that...
Sunday, February 12, 2006
Happy and Sad
I'm happy today, and sad. Happy because the other night, I was cuddling my baby girl as she fell asleep on me, and listening to the other kids snoozing in their beds, and my hubby's snoring quietly next to me...and I realized, if life never gets any better than this, I am perfectly happy. Perfectly happy...I have my beautiful, healthy children, a great husband who, even though he pisses me off and I gripe a little about him, is a great dad and a wonderful match for me. I am a lucky girl. I have everything I ever wanted, and I feel so blessed.
I'm sad lately though...I think I'm finally wearing down, I'm finally feeling fed up with the pain, and being restricted by my healing hands and other various body parts...I just want to be back to normal. I am able to do so much more now than I could when I was first home, but sometimes I hurt more than I did then, because I'm pushing myself. I'm stronger, so I'm probably exerting more force on fragile bones, and I better quit it. LOL I just can't sit here doing nothing anymore...there's too much to do and I want to be the one doing it. I just want to be better...I want to be able to pick up and cuddle Gabe and Kianna, and take them all sledding and carry them to bed when they fall asleep in the car on the way home...I want to go ice skating and play hockey with PJ and Zack...I want to have them home with me every day so I can take care of them, instead of one day a week, which leaves me sore as hell and exhausted but I miss them so much I push through it. I'm here alone 4 days a week and it's just lonely and boring and...frustrating. School doesn't start full time for me until March, so here I be. UGH.
I see my ortho surgeon on Valentine's Day...maybe he'll tell me I can go back to work on modified duty...or maybe he'll laugh at me because I'm limping worse this week than I was 2 weeks ago, because I've been walking so much everyday and those muscles tire so fast. I don't know what he'll say...I don't know if I'm ready for work yet or not. I wish I was...but I don't think I am. I have to get a handle on the pain in my hands and figure out why the hell I hurt so much more now than I did a while back.
Got a letter from the D.A. the other day...the investigation for the case has begun, and the trial starts in May. He was dumb to plead not guilty and allow this to go to trial...his sentence will be stiffer once the entire story of my injuries and losses comes into play...if he had admitted some fault right away they would have just sentenced him and been done with it, but now I have a feeling he'll be getting nailed to the wall. I am angry though, that he is walking around, a free man, for months...and I've had months of a sentence of my own, because of his actions. It's not seething anger, or uncontrolled anger...just kind of...sad, disgusted. What a pukebag.
I'm sad lately though...I think I'm finally wearing down, I'm finally feeling fed up with the pain, and being restricted by my healing hands and other various body parts...I just want to be back to normal. I am able to do so much more now than I could when I was first home, but sometimes I hurt more than I did then, because I'm pushing myself. I'm stronger, so I'm probably exerting more force on fragile bones, and I better quit it. LOL I just can't sit here doing nothing anymore...there's too much to do and I want to be the one doing it. I just want to be better...I want to be able to pick up and cuddle Gabe and Kianna, and take them all sledding and carry them to bed when they fall asleep in the car on the way home...I want to go ice skating and play hockey with PJ and Zack...I want to have them home with me every day so I can take care of them, instead of one day a week, which leaves me sore as hell and exhausted but I miss them so much I push through it. I'm here alone 4 days a week and it's just lonely and boring and...frustrating. School doesn't start full time for me until March, so here I be. UGH.
I see my ortho surgeon on Valentine's Day...maybe he'll tell me I can go back to work on modified duty...or maybe he'll laugh at me because I'm limping worse this week than I was 2 weeks ago, because I've been walking so much everyday and those muscles tire so fast. I don't know what he'll say...I don't know if I'm ready for work yet or not. I wish I was...but I don't think I am. I have to get a handle on the pain in my hands and figure out why the hell I hurt so much more now than I did a while back.
Got a letter from the D.A. the other day...the investigation for the case has begun, and the trial starts in May. He was dumb to plead not guilty and allow this to go to trial...his sentence will be stiffer once the entire story of my injuries and losses comes into play...if he had admitted some fault right away they would have just sentenced him and been done with it, but now I have a feeling he'll be getting nailed to the wall. I am angry though, that he is walking around, a free man, for months...and I've had months of a sentence of my own, because of his actions. It's not seething anger, or uncontrolled anger...just kind of...sad, disgusted. What a pukebag.
Thursday, February 09, 2006
Size 7 Jeans
I went shopping this week, I needed new jeans. I graduated from a size 3/4 to a 7...yippee! I never thought I'd be so excited to go UP a size or two. I was a size 8 before the accident, so I think this is as close as I'll get to normal until I can build some more muscle. Carl says I'm too skinny but he liked my J-Lo butt I had goin on before, so he can grow his own J-Lo butt. LMAO I was looking at some pictures from Christmastime, and oh my GOD was I thin...my hipbones jutted out and my face was so drawn...sunken eyes...I could have been a meth-head. I'm so glad I am more back to normal now. Carl said I looked like a crack-ho when I was 124 pounds. I guess when you're 5' 10" tall, 124 isn't cute? hmm...
I've been doing lots of walking and therapy exercises lately to strengthen these poor muscles. I am so sore at night, I am just limping around...and my hands ache so badly, I just whine. I know those of you who know me well can't imagine me whining, but this does have me whining this week...ask Carl. LOL So I'm frustrated lately, I feel like I'm doing all I can to get stronger and back to normal, but it hurts so bad, am I going to have to take a step back, or go on stronger meds to bring me through? Pisses me off...I try so hard to get better, but when a day's hard work and progress means 3 days of limping around and hurting so much, I just want to cry. I think there's permanent damage to my left hand...not severe enough to prevent me from doing things, but the knuckle joint doesn't move right, like it's not anchored by the tendon the way it should be...they did mention a tear in the tendon, but I didn't have strength enough to notice the change in movement until now. And I still can't make a fist. It's so unfair. But what the hell is fair in this world anyway? As Gabe's 4-K teacher says, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Hell yeah, it sucks but what can I do but go on, and be thankful for the incredible blessings I have in my life...and there are so many. :o) I miss work so much...next week I meet with the surgeon again and hopefully he'll give me some idea of how ready I am to go back. I know there's no way I could do a 12-hour day right now, but 4? UGH I need to do something. School isn't on full-time until next month, so what the hell am I going to do around here for another month?? I've decided what color I want to paint each room, and designed a deck to take the place of the front porch someday, and if I rearrange anyone's rooms again someone may hurt me. LOL
So, court was Tuesday. They are doing a full investigation and will change his sentence based on the full extent of my injuries, and I will have some input into what his sentence is. This is where the conflicting interests come into play...I want him to have the maximum, but I also want him able to work so he can pay out his nose for my medical bills.
Tuesday was the first time I had seen the face of the guy who completely altered the course of my life. Usually, one says that about someone who has a special "spark," a glimmer of intelligence or charisma, someone who's inspired them to become better than they imagined they could be...and I say that about some megacephalic FAS baby who has no clue what responsibility is. He eerily reminded me of Mom's ex-husband, Roger...doesn't have a clue how his actions affected anyone else, and how can it possibly be his fault?? I was sick to my stomach even looking at him...and I can honestly say now, I have no sympathy for him whatsoever, he will get exactly what he deserves and all I can do is pray that it reaches through that thick skull of his so he never does this to someone again....but I doubt he'll feel anything but anger toward me for doing this to him, and he'll probably be counting the days until he can get wasted again. I really believe that. Pretty sick...
I've been doing lots of walking and therapy exercises lately to strengthen these poor muscles. I am so sore at night, I am just limping around...and my hands ache so badly, I just whine. I know those of you who know me well can't imagine me whining, but this does have me whining this week...ask Carl. LOL So I'm frustrated lately, I feel like I'm doing all I can to get stronger and back to normal, but it hurts so bad, am I going to have to take a step back, or go on stronger meds to bring me through? Pisses me off...I try so hard to get better, but when a day's hard work and progress means 3 days of limping around and hurting so much, I just want to cry. I think there's permanent damage to my left hand...not severe enough to prevent me from doing things, but the knuckle joint doesn't move right, like it's not anchored by the tendon the way it should be...they did mention a tear in the tendon, but I didn't have strength enough to notice the change in movement until now. And I still can't make a fist. It's so unfair. But what the hell is fair in this world anyway? As Gabe's 4-K teacher says, "you get what you get and you don't throw a fit." Hell yeah, it sucks but what can I do but go on, and be thankful for the incredible blessings I have in my life...and there are so many. :o) I miss work so much...next week I meet with the surgeon again and hopefully he'll give me some idea of how ready I am to go back. I know there's no way I could do a 12-hour day right now, but 4? UGH I need to do something. School isn't on full-time until next month, so what the hell am I going to do around here for another month?? I've decided what color I want to paint each room, and designed a deck to take the place of the front porch someday, and if I rearrange anyone's rooms again someone may hurt me. LOL
So, court was Tuesday. They are doing a full investigation and will change his sentence based on the full extent of my injuries, and I will have some input into what his sentence is. This is where the conflicting interests come into play...I want him to have the maximum, but I also want him able to work so he can pay out his nose for my medical bills.
Tuesday was the first time I had seen the face of the guy who completely altered the course of my life. Usually, one says that about someone who has a special "spark," a glimmer of intelligence or charisma, someone who's inspired them to become better than they imagined they could be...and I say that about some megacephalic FAS baby who has no clue what responsibility is. He eerily reminded me of Mom's ex-husband, Roger...doesn't have a clue how his actions affected anyone else, and how can it possibly be his fault?? I was sick to my stomach even looking at him...and I can honestly say now, I have no sympathy for him whatsoever, he will get exactly what he deserves and all I can do is pray that it reaches through that thick skull of his so he never does this to someone again....but I doubt he'll feel anything but anger toward me for doing this to him, and he'll probably be counting the days until he can get wasted again. I really believe that. Pretty sick...
Wednesday, February 01, 2006
Oh, Brother!
UPDATE: Brian's wrist is fractured, found in an x-ray done by his regular doc. (big surprise) I've come to the conclusion that most ER docs and technicians are inadequate. Makes me think twice about working in ER, I don't want people to think I'm a half-assed nurse...
So Brian is doing well and his wrist and ribs hurt, but it sounds like he's looking for new work because this is just too dangerous for him and he doesn't want to push his luck anymore.
After class on Monday, I met up with Carl at his office and we went out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch, Carl's cell rings...Brian has fallen off a roof and is being taken by ambulance to the hospital. WHAT??! Check, please! On our way back to the office, I call mom, she's coming to meet us there and we're heading to the cities. Next, I call dad, jess, and try to call Kristi. In the meantime, Carl gets another call that Brian's being airlifted. Airlifted?? No one can get ahold of Kristi...she's at work. We page her at Luther and toss her into the van, and we're off. Another call, this time to Mom's cell phone. Brian is in ER, stable, sore, and waiting for x-ray results. He fell about 1 1/2 stories onto a gravel driveway...and NO broken bones. His angels broke his fall, I swear. What a relief. He lost consciousness for about 15 minutes, and we're not sure if it was hitting his head that caused that, or his fall knocking the wind out of him as he landed on his right side. He didn't his his head really hard, I don't think he even has a bump, but his ribs are sore as hell, and his right arm, and especially his right hand. Nothing is broken...amazing. I still think he should see his regular doc here and have a thorough checkup to make sure everything's ok...as we all know, broken bones can be sneaky, especially in the hand. He was working in a very rural area near Prescott, which is why he was airlifted to St. Paul, MN.
Time for Brian to find a new job...forestry? I worry about these guys up on roofs and high ladders...and all for TV entertainment? Hell with that. It's not worth risking your life. Three of Carl's guys have fallen off ladders in the last 2 weeks.
I'm so glad Bri's ok...that was a nervewracking trip to MN...I guess I got a tiny taste of what everyone went through when they got the call about my accident...
So, note to the rest of the family...we are putting Jess in a bubble and giving her escorts to everywhere except the bathroom. That is enough of this accident business, dammit! LOL
So Brian is doing well and his wrist and ribs hurt, but it sounds like he's looking for new work because this is just too dangerous for him and he doesn't want to push his luck anymore.
After class on Monday, I met up with Carl at his office and we went out to lunch together. In the middle of lunch, Carl's cell rings...Brian has fallen off a roof and is being taken by ambulance to the hospital. WHAT??! Check, please! On our way back to the office, I call mom, she's coming to meet us there and we're heading to the cities. Next, I call dad, jess, and try to call Kristi. In the meantime, Carl gets another call that Brian's being airlifted. Airlifted?? No one can get ahold of Kristi...she's at work. We page her at Luther and toss her into the van, and we're off. Another call, this time to Mom's cell phone. Brian is in ER, stable, sore, and waiting for x-ray results. He fell about 1 1/2 stories onto a gravel driveway...and NO broken bones. His angels broke his fall, I swear. What a relief. He lost consciousness for about 15 minutes, and we're not sure if it was hitting his head that caused that, or his fall knocking the wind out of him as he landed on his right side. He didn't his his head really hard, I don't think he even has a bump, but his ribs are sore as hell, and his right arm, and especially his right hand. Nothing is broken...amazing. I still think he should see his regular doc here and have a thorough checkup to make sure everything's ok...as we all know, broken bones can be sneaky, especially in the hand. He was working in a very rural area near Prescott, which is why he was airlifted to St. Paul, MN.
Time for Brian to find a new job...forestry? I worry about these guys up on roofs and high ladders...and all for TV entertainment? Hell with that. It's not worth risking your life. Three of Carl's guys have fallen off ladders in the last 2 weeks.
I'm so glad Bri's ok...that was a nervewracking trip to MN...I guess I got a tiny taste of what everyone went through when they got the call about my accident...
So, note to the rest of the family...we are putting Jess in a bubble and giving her escorts to everywhere except the bathroom. That is enough of this accident business, dammit! LOL
Happy Return to School!!
I had my "first" day of school on Monday. It felt so good, walking through those doors, rolling my backpack and I EVEN TOOK THE STAIRS! I was slow, but dammit I did it. I wish I had the same girls in my classes, they were so great...but I did see three of them, and that was awesome. I have to stay in touch with those girls, they are good people.
I don't have to go back to class until March 6 for 2 hours each monday, and starting March 20th I'll be in class Mondays and Tuesdays until May...and hopefully I'll get into my clinical rotation this summer and get back on track in the fall semester. I'm pissed that my GPA is going to go down to squat after all of this is said and done...I was on the president's list every semester until now. I know it's just a little thing, but dammit there are so many "little things" that have changed.
I don't have to go back to class until March 6 for 2 hours each monday, and starting March 20th I'll be in class Mondays and Tuesdays until May...and hopefully I'll get into my clinical rotation this summer and get back on track in the fall semester. I'm pissed that my GPA is going to go down to squat after all of this is said and done...I was on the president's list every semester until now. I know it's just a little thing, but dammit there are so many "little things" that have changed.
Saturday, January 28, 2006
More good news
I talked to a Mayo person today about worker's comp. It looks like it's all going to be covered. She was wonderful. I am so relieved. What they will do is cover everything and then sue him for the bills. Poor guy...he'll never be anything but poor I'm afraid. My bills are already over 120,000 and I'm not even half done with therapy, and the kids haven't started their counseling yet either. All of this hell because someone drove drunk. Pretty incredible the devastation it causes. You don't really think about it until you're in it...I mean, of course you think "Oh, I won't drink and drive, i would hate if I hurt someone or myself..." but you just don't even realize the full impact it has on someone until it crushes you into the steering wheel and shoves a trach tube down your throat, leaves your body scarred and screaming and your family reeling and lost. It's huge. So huge I can't even describe in words the full impact this has had on my life, on everyone's lives. Amazing. And yet, I still feel so lucky...and I've managed to take so much good from every day, well almost every day...and I know things will get better.
Damn TBIs
OK, some things I've noticed. I'm not sure if it's the TBI or just stress and depression/anxiety, but I've noticed I am easily distracted and irritable lately. The thing is, I'm only really like that with Carl...so I guess I can't blame it all on the TBI if it's isolated incidents like that eh? Or is it SAD? I know I have had trouble with that in the past, so this year with my lack of mobility I shouldn't be surprised that it's worse. I forget appointments if I don't write them down right away...didn't I do that before though? I do worry though, because I have noticed when I am doing homework that I don't retain things as easily as I did....it has to be quiet for me to do a reading assignment, and I used to do it with the tv on, or in a room full of people at school talking and being obnoxious...so what's different? I am pretty stressed out lately...thinking about money and bills and hoping everything keeps on smoothing out the way it has along this whole horrible ordeal.
I don't think I've ever been through so much hell in my life. It's so strange to look back and say, holy shit I made it through that. I can't believe it. Sometimes I think I've made it through the worst, and sometimes I feel like the worst is yet to come. The physical worst is over, the emotional worst is still gathering its force, I'm afraid. I have too much time to sit and think...too much time to worry about the kids, worry about Carl and I, bills, my health, how everything I do and everything I plan is so different. I can be mad about that sometimes....I get over it quickly, but dammit I deserve to be mad. I can't believe sometimes how very huge this accident has been....how it's changed every facet of my life and so many others...how unfair. How can the law possibly be fit enough to assign a punishment that justifies the hell we have gone through because of his actions? I don't even know where to begin.
I'm scared about work. I have to meet with Occupational Therapy soon and be evaluated to see how much of my job duties I'm capable of performing at this point. What if I can't do some things? What if I get back to work and have to relearn parts of my job like I had to relearn other things? What if my forgetfulness isn't just stress and I can't do parts of my job safely? It's hard to even read these words in black and white...it's so stark and real and frightening.
I know that no matter what, God is watching over me. He has brought me through mountains I never thought I'd have to climb, and I know in my faith I will be fine...just need to churn out some thoughts before they start to eat at me.
I don't think I've ever been through so much hell in my life. It's so strange to look back and say, holy shit I made it through that. I can't believe it. Sometimes I think I've made it through the worst, and sometimes I feel like the worst is yet to come. The physical worst is over, the emotional worst is still gathering its force, I'm afraid. I have too much time to sit and think...too much time to worry about the kids, worry about Carl and I, bills, my health, how everything I do and everything I plan is so different. I can be mad about that sometimes....I get over it quickly, but dammit I deserve to be mad. I can't believe sometimes how very huge this accident has been....how it's changed every facet of my life and so many others...how unfair. How can the law possibly be fit enough to assign a punishment that justifies the hell we have gone through because of his actions? I don't even know where to begin.
I'm scared about work. I have to meet with Occupational Therapy soon and be evaluated to see how much of my job duties I'm capable of performing at this point. What if I can't do some things? What if I get back to work and have to relearn parts of my job like I had to relearn other things? What if my forgetfulness isn't just stress and I can't do parts of my job safely? It's hard to even read these words in black and white...it's so stark and real and frightening.
I know that no matter what, God is watching over me. He has brought me through mountains I never thought I'd have to climb, and I know in my faith I will be fine...just need to churn out some thoughts before they start to eat at me.
Tuesday, January 24, 2006
OK that's better
I keep thinking of that dumb commercial where they say, "What a difference today makes!" Because I feel much better today. I am rid of both armcasts now and only need them when I am out and it's icy. Carl and I had a long talk last night and decided we like each other too much to let some drunk 23-year-old ruin our awesome marriage. Well...I'm awesome anyway. And Carl is well-hung, so...
I have 3 sick kids home today...flubug of some kind, icky tummies and headaches , runny noses and coughs. My stomach has been rumbly for 2 days so I suppose I'm next. lol gives me something to do. Sick...
I am making a list of all of the ways this accident has affected our lives. I will be giving a victim impact statement in a week or so at the hearing, and I read that DA letter and so much more has come into play since then. I seem to be having a harder time now than I did weeks ago...maybe it was the morphine. lol Physically, I'm doing so much better, I'm doing more and more all the time...but emotionally I am so beat. I am sick of sitting here all the time...I'm sick of hurting...I think maybe being in pain has brought my spirits down...and I thought sticking to ibuprofen would be best for me, but I always hurt. Have to talk to the doc about that tomorrow.
Carl and I are going to start taking the kids to counseling. This has had such a huge impact on everyone, and most of all I want to be sure the kids and Carl come through this ok. Yet another chapter unfolds in the saga of drunk driver bullshit. LOL
I have 3 sick kids home today...flubug of some kind, icky tummies and headaches , runny noses and coughs. My stomach has been rumbly for 2 days so I suppose I'm next. lol gives me something to do. Sick...
I am making a list of all of the ways this accident has affected our lives. I will be giving a victim impact statement in a week or so at the hearing, and I read that DA letter and so much more has come into play since then. I seem to be having a harder time now than I did weeks ago...maybe it was the morphine. lol Physically, I'm doing so much better, I'm doing more and more all the time...but emotionally I am so beat. I am sick of sitting here all the time...I'm sick of hurting...I think maybe being in pain has brought my spirits down...and I thought sticking to ibuprofen would be best for me, but I always hurt. Have to talk to the doc about that tomorrow.
Carl and I are going to start taking the kids to counseling. This has had such a huge impact on everyone, and most of all I want to be sure the kids and Carl come through this ok. Yet another chapter unfolds in the saga of drunk driver bullshit. LOL
Sunday, January 22, 2006
Yeah Yeah...
I thought I should do a post today but I am too negative. I don't like Carl. I am achy and tired and crabby...so I probably shouldn't post because it won't be pretty. This thought keeps going through my head: What is wrong with me? What do I want? What will make me feel better?And a voice answers, I want a divorce, I want a divorce, I want a divorce. LMAO but it's so not funny...I don't think I really want a divorce but I am sure tired of dealing with a spoiled, arrogant man who acts out instead of dealing with his emotions...kind of like my 3 year old.
I'll post tomorrow after my doc appointment tomorrow. I hope he tells me I can get rid of this God blessed cast on my left arm, or I may bite off his bushy eyebrows.
I'll post tomorrow after my doc appointment tomorrow. I hope he tells me I can get rid of this God blessed cast on my left arm, or I may bite off his bushy eyebrows.
Tuesday, January 17, 2006
Healing
How am I healing? At about 10 weeks post-accident, here's the latest.
My right arm is still a little tender and weak, but I have full use of it, and my hand. My nose is straight and almost cute! LOL and the scars on my face have really faded. Thank God for good makeup though. Ok, I am still a little vain. There is still some glass in my chin and lip, but it isn't painful so I hesitate to have the doc cut me open to pull it out and give me more stitches. It'll come out sometime. lol The swelling in my face is nearly gone, although the skin is still numb and lately feels like there are spiders running over the top of my head and forehead. We all know how much I like spiders. Icky feeling...but it's good because it means the nerves are regenerating and I'm regaining feeling in those numb areas. My hip is totally healed and I'm walking with just a slight limp. My leg does tire after awhile, but I try hard to ignore that. My left arm is still in the splint, but I am stubborn and take it off to do dishes, shower, and sleep. I kept it on for a month solid and am gradually strengthening now...my left hand is still not 100%...my ring finger doesn't straighten all the way and I can't make a fist yet. That's what therapy is working on now, and as I thought, it will be the slowest injury to return to normal. I work with that hand a lot each day... My stomach incision is sore this week...probably from being way more active cuz I feel so good...but it's healed well and I think I'm even gaining some weight back. I've been on antibiotics for the last 3 weeks with sinus trouble, which will likely always be the case as my body isn't able to fight infection as it used to without my spleen. Gotta love antibiotics. ugh.
I help Carl make supper each night. I bathe the 3 little ones each night and tuck them into bed. (I have to add that it hurts to do this but I just have to cuz I'm anal about bath/bedtime routines) I help Zack and PJ with their homework, and I clean the house and do laundry...it does my spirits a lot of good to walk across clean floors everyday!! My baby girl lets me put her to sleep now, before she only wanted daddy. And I drove, by myself, on Clairemont Ave last week. I didn't even shake until after I got out of the car. lol I know I'm getting well enough to be out and about more because I am so bored...the house is so clean it hurts. I've reorganized almost all of the cupboards and bedrooms...so next, back to work? No one's given me a return date yet, but you bet I'll be asking at my next appointment. I only have to get the ok from about 4 different docs. Carl looks so nervous each time I mention going back to work. I know I'm at least a few weeks away but it gives me something to look forward to. I imagine the docs d on't want me lifting much since they had a fit when I said it hurt my arm to lift the baby... And I know I couldn't handle a 12-hour day like I used to, not yet. A few weeks ago, I'd have one or two 'good' days and then I'd be exhausted. Now I have about 4 good days in a row and then the 5th day I take a 2-hour nap...so that's better! Even God needed a rest on the 7th day, man.
All in all, I'm doing well. More doc appointments next week to chart my progress, and then we'll have a better idea of how I'm doing.
My right arm is still a little tender and weak, but I have full use of it, and my hand. My nose is straight and almost cute! LOL and the scars on my face have really faded. Thank God for good makeup though. Ok, I am still a little vain. There is still some glass in my chin and lip, but it isn't painful so I hesitate to have the doc cut me open to pull it out and give me more stitches. It'll come out sometime. lol The swelling in my face is nearly gone, although the skin is still numb and lately feels like there are spiders running over the top of my head and forehead. We all know how much I like spiders. Icky feeling...but it's good because it means the nerves are regenerating and I'm regaining feeling in those numb areas. My hip is totally healed and I'm walking with just a slight limp. My leg does tire after awhile, but I try hard to ignore that. My left arm is still in the splint, but I am stubborn and take it off to do dishes, shower, and sleep. I kept it on for a month solid and am gradually strengthening now...my left hand is still not 100%...my ring finger doesn't straighten all the way and I can't make a fist yet. That's what therapy is working on now, and as I thought, it will be the slowest injury to return to normal. I work with that hand a lot each day... My stomach incision is sore this week...probably from being way more active cuz I feel so good...but it's healed well and I think I'm even gaining some weight back. I've been on antibiotics for the last 3 weeks with sinus trouble, which will likely always be the case as my body isn't able to fight infection as it used to without my spleen. Gotta love antibiotics. ugh.
I help Carl make supper each night. I bathe the 3 little ones each night and tuck them into bed. (I have to add that it hurts to do this but I just have to cuz I'm anal about bath/bedtime routines) I help Zack and PJ with their homework, and I clean the house and do laundry...it does my spirits a lot of good to walk across clean floors everyday!! My baby girl lets me put her to sleep now, before she only wanted daddy. And I drove, by myself, on Clairemont Ave last week. I didn't even shake until after I got out of the car. lol I know I'm getting well enough to be out and about more because I am so bored...the house is so clean it hurts. I've reorganized almost all of the cupboards and bedrooms...so next, back to work? No one's given me a return date yet, but you bet I'll be asking at my next appointment. I only have to get the ok from about 4 different docs. Carl looks so nervous each time I mention going back to work. I know I'm at least a few weeks away but it gives me something to look forward to. I imagine the docs d on't want me lifting much since they had a fit when I said it hurt my arm to lift the baby... And I know I couldn't handle a 12-hour day like I used to, not yet. A few weeks ago, I'd have one or two 'good' days and then I'd be exhausted. Now I have about 4 good days in a row and then the 5th day I take a 2-hour nap...so that's better! Even God needed a rest on the 7th day, man.
All in all, I'm doing well. More doc appointments next week to chart my progress, and then we'll have a better idea of how I'm doing.
More Angels
Time for a really uplifting post. Before this accident, Carl and I were so busy with kids, work and school that we didn't make time for our friends, we didn't do things outside of home unless it was with the kids, and we just really kept to ourselves. Carl and I are so much alike in the fact that we have had very little faith in human nature, and since we found total faith and great company in each other, we have just nurtured our relationship and the family. I have said so many times, "I don't like people. I love taking care of sick people because they are appreciative, and I feel good knowing I am making a difference for them...but I don't like the general public because they are horrible to each other and I want no part of it." This accident has really proven me wrong. I cannot believe the number of people who have reached out to us. My coworkers made our Christmas wonderful, Mom's coworkers made our Christmas wonderful...and our family has been SO unbelievably supportive, I just bubble over with love for all of them for being so good to us during this time. You have all renewed my faith in human nature, and proven to me that goodhearted people are everywhere. I am sooo looking forward to being healed and able to repay all of the wonderful people who have helped us in so many ways. You are all my angels and I am so grateful for you all.
More Crap
For the last 3 days, my Carl has been having anxiety attacks. He used to have them a long time ago, before we were married, and now they're back. Since we've been together I don't remember him ever having one. I know it's because he's juggling so much right now...the kids' daycare schedule, work pressures, doing for the kids what I still can't here at home...I wish he'd listen to me and just get some medication to help him get through this. As well as we're all doing, this is friggen HARD. I mean, harder than almost anything I've ever been through in my life. It's frustrating to see Carl try so hard and now to feel like he can't even breathe, and just sitting still and trying to draw a deep breath is difficult. I feel sorry for him...I hope they get better, if not I'll have to tie hm up and forcefeed him benedryl just to make him calm down. He was doing so much better too...
Gabe and Kianna were playing last night, and Kianna's lying on the floor with her eyes closed, and she's whispering to Gabe, "come here husband. I was in a car crash. my arms and my hip are broken, and I have owies on my face. I can't talk good cuz I had a tube in my throat. Bring me my baby, I miss her so much." At which point Gabe hands her a carebear and she hugs it tight and closes her eyes. And Gabe says, "we're playing pretend, and Kianna was hit by a drunk driver." what a game for kids to play, eh? So they played it out for like 15 minutes while Carl and I watched with teary eyes. It's interesting to see it from their perspective. I know it's healthy for them to act out their feelings, and so I was relieved to see them do that. When they were done, we talked a bit about the accident...how textbook, eh? It was awesome.
Gabe and Kianna were playing last night, and Kianna's lying on the floor with her eyes closed, and she's whispering to Gabe, "come here husband. I was in a car crash. my arms and my hip are broken, and I have owies on my face. I can't talk good cuz I had a tube in my throat. Bring me my baby, I miss her so much." At which point Gabe hands her a carebear and she hugs it tight and closes her eyes. And Gabe says, "we're playing pretend, and Kianna was hit by a drunk driver." what a game for kids to play, eh? So they played it out for like 15 minutes while Carl and I watched with teary eyes. It's interesting to see it from their perspective. I know it's healthy for them to act out their feelings, and so I was relieved to see them do that. When they were done, we talked a bit about the accident...how textbook, eh? It was awesome.
Monday, January 16, 2006
School
Ok so this one made me almost mad enough to really spew some nasty comments. LOL I got two letters from college last week; one that says I'm losing my financial aid because I failed to complete 67% of my required credits. No kidding? huh. Wonder where I was? Tahiti? LOL So I call financial aid, schedule a review hearing. The next day, I get a letter from the business office saying I'm being dropped from my spring semester classes because I haven't paid for them yet. LOL not funny though...so I get ready for my review hearing and bring the letter from the business office with me so I can take care of both issues and make sure everythng is squared away. My F.A. advisor and I work out a plan that will allow me to retain my financial aid and still stick to the plan my instructors and I had come up with to graduate only one semester behind. Then she realizes, OH, by that time you'll have attempted more than the max number of credits. I can't give you your financial aid. I'm bawling. I can't afford to pay for nursing school all on my own...wish I could, but I can't. So I'm thinking, I am being prevented from working in my chosen career because of a drunk driver. How unfair is that? And I'm bawling...and I bewildered the F.A. advisor, so I told her why I was so upset...she goes running to the admissions director and comes back with an app for the RN program, which is the 2nd half of the program for me...she tells me to fill it out, we're getting you into the advanced placement program now and that way your credit load doubles and you qualify for financial aid again. Also, I get into the 2nd half of my program a year sooner than I had originally thought. YEAH!! God is good! So, an upsetting moment turned out to be even better than I imagined it would. Another thing to count as a blessing...
Thursday, January 12, 2006
New Teef
I got my permanent crowns yesterday for my front teeth. Still need about $700 worth of work on 5 other teeth that chipped in the crash, but thank God for insurance coverage eh? I keep running my tongue over these teeth, they feel so perfect and funny...the dentist even smoothed out the little overlap I had between my left front tooth and the next tooth to the left...what a guy. Called it "bridge orthodontics." LOL
*grin* (chime heard in background as the light glints off my new teef)
*grin* (chime heard in background as the light glints off my new teef)
Wednesday, January 11, 2006
Getting My Legs Under Me
The First Time I Walked
I remember laughing when the therapist brought in the goofy, 4-wheeled walker with platform armrests. Walkers are for old people, I giggled to myself. And now I’m going to be using one?? What have I been reduced to? lol I had just been off the ventilator for 3 days, and in the hospital for a week. There’s a central line in my chest, a chest tube dangling under my left arm, and a catheter in my bladder…I have 7 broken bones, and bumps, cuts and bruises everywhere…and you want me to walk?? Are you nuts lady?? YEAH! I’m excited. I stood up slowly, clumsily, unable to put any weight on my left leg. Lifting my arms to the platforms of the walker made my collarbone feel like fire, it took my breath away. I ignored the pain and took my first step. OW. Second step…OW. “How do you feel?” the therapist asked me. “Like I just got out of a giant tumble dryer.” I replied through gritted teeth. And I walked, and walked and walked. It felt so good to be on my feet, to be in control of my body with the help of this walker and the therapist whose name I can’t remember but whose face I’ll never forget. “Are you sure you want to keep going?” she’d ask. I didn’t want to stop…”You’ll be sore tomorrow I bet,” she’d say, and I didn’t care. I just wanted to walk…to know I still could. Every chance I got, I was walking. To the bathroom, the shower, the nurses’ station, everywhere. It hurt like hell but I didn’t care…I just needed to move, to get my muscles working, to feel alive and get those endorphins going. I showered every day, I wanted to shower more than once a day at first, to get the blood and glass rinsed out of my hair, my fingernails, my skin. Someone said, “you’re too sick to be up to the shower every day.” To hell I was. By the second week, I wouldn’t let anyone help me in the shower anymore. I needed to be able to do it myself, I needed to get better so I could get home to my family. In the shower, I let the hot water pound on my poor body…I gingerly washed my huge tummy incision, (34 staples) my hip incision, (21 staples) and my stitched-up face and left side. I had big casts on my hands yet, so we covered them with plastic bags and tape to keep them dry. Through the bags, I washed my hair, which was falling out so fast from all of the trauma I had endured. My hair is now about 7 inches shorter than it was before the accident…and it is growing in again where it had gotten thin…the whole left side of my scalp was thinning, probably the skin’s response to my injury there. I also have a strip along the back of my head where it looks like the hair was ripped right out, probably when my hair clip smashed into the seat or something…I’m not sure.
The hardest part about being injured was being away from my family. I had never spent more than 3-4 days away from the kids, and only twice---once from Zack and PJ when Carl and I went to Vegas, and once this October from all 6 kids for Chris and Ann’s wedding. That was hard enough, but to be away from them for weeks at a time…that was so hard. I couldn’t think of it very much, I couldn’t wonder how they were doing or imagine what they might be up to…it was too hard and I missed them too much. Carl brought them to see me every day…I was always so happy to see them, even though I was so exhausted when they left. Everything made me so tired.
I’m glad Dad had brought me my broken backpack that he rescued from the totaled van, so at least I had my schoolbooks to keep me busy. My books also helped to keep my mind off the pain. That was the second hardest thing about my injuries…the pain was constant…everything I did caused searing pain in my broken bones, but I refused to lie there and let pain decide what I can and cannot do. I was in charge of my body. I was in control of what I could do. My body was the only thing I could control.
I remember laughing when the therapist brought in the goofy, 4-wheeled walker with platform armrests. Walkers are for old people, I giggled to myself. And now I’m going to be using one?? What have I been reduced to? lol I had just been off the ventilator for 3 days, and in the hospital for a week. There’s a central line in my chest, a chest tube dangling under my left arm, and a catheter in my bladder…I have 7 broken bones, and bumps, cuts and bruises everywhere…and you want me to walk?? Are you nuts lady?? YEAH! I’m excited. I stood up slowly, clumsily, unable to put any weight on my left leg. Lifting my arms to the platforms of the walker made my collarbone feel like fire, it took my breath away. I ignored the pain and took my first step. OW. Second step…OW. “How do you feel?” the therapist asked me. “Like I just got out of a giant tumble dryer.” I replied through gritted teeth. And I walked, and walked and walked. It felt so good to be on my feet, to be in control of my body with the help of this walker and the therapist whose name I can’t remember but whose face I’ll never forget. “Are you sure you want to keep going?” she’d ask. I didn’t want to stop…”You’ll be sore tomorrow I bet,” she’d say, and I didn’t care. I just wanted to walk…to know I still could. Every chance I got, I was walking. To the bathroom, the shower, the nurses’ station, everywhere. It hurt like hell but I didn’t care…I just needed to move, to get my muscles working, to feel alive and get those endorphins going. I showered every day, I wanted to shower more than once a day at first, to get the blood and glass rinsed out of my hair, my fingernails, my skin. Someone said, “you’re too sick to be up to the shower every day.” To hell I was. By the second week, I wouldn’t let anyone help me in the shower anymore. I needed to be able to do it myself, I needed to get better so I could get home to my family. In the shower, I let the hot water pound on my poor body…I gingerly washed my huge tummy incision, (34 staples) my hip incision, (21 staples) and my stitched-up face and left side. I had big casts on my hands yet, so we covered them with plastic bags and tape to keep them dry. Through the bags, I washed my hair, which was falling out so fast from all of the trauma I had endured. My hair is now about 7 inches shorter than it was before the accident…and it is growing in again where it had gotten thin…the whole left side of my scalp was thinning, probably the skin’s response to my injury there. I also have a strip along the back of my head where it looks like the hair was ripped right out, probably when my hair clip smashed into the seat or something…I’m not sure.
The hardest part about being injured was being away from my family. I had never spent more than 3-4 days away from the kids, and only twice---once from Zack and PJ when Carl and I went to Vegas, and once this October from all 6 kids for Chris and Ann’s wedding. That was hard enough, but to be away from them for weeks at a time…that was so hard. I couldn’t think of it very much, I couldn’t wonder how they were doing or imagine what they might be up to…it was too hard and I missed them too much. Carl brought them to see me every day…I was always so happy to see them, even though I was so exhausted when they left. Everything made me so tired.
I’m glad Dad had brought me my broken backpack that he rescued from the totaled van, so at least I had my schoolbooks to keep me busy. My books also helped to keep my mind off the pain. That was the second hardest thing about my injuries…the pain was constant…everything I did caused searing pain in my broken bones, but I refused to lie there and let pain decide what I can and cannot do. I was in charge of my body. I was in control of what I could do. My body was the only thing I could control.
Tuesday, January 10, 2006
Today
I am so tired today! I cleaned the whole house yesterday...did laundry, swept my floors and mopped, cleaned one of the bathrooms and wiped down the kitchen counters. Man, did that feel good...but today, I am exhausted. It's strange--I used to run from 4am to 11pm with work, kids, and school, but now I get tired from cleaning house and getting the kids off to school and daycare each morning. Whew. Well, at least I am able to get around a little better and do things around here that need doing, even if it does take me all day. Cleaning and organizing is like therapy for me...when there is turmoil on the inside, it makes me feel so much better to make my surroundings look nice. I guess turmoil isn't the word I'd use for how I feel...but not being in control of my circumstances is sometimes bewildering. It's scary to think about the possibility of not recovering fully, or having problems down the road because of my injuries. I know that I'll just deal with those things as they come, and that God will bring me through anything I come up against, so I try not to worry...but sometimes I do...I'm human. I shouldn't be vain and be upset about how my looks have changed, I know that's not right...I should be thankful that I'm still here...and I am! And in a way, the imperfections and scars on my face have made me realize something. I have always been so self conscious about my looks, and just overcritical of myself all the time. I wondered, what would I do if I was really ugly? How would I get through the days if my face was disfigured or less attractive? Now I know. Beauty is not about physical appearance, it's about the beauty within, and that's another lesson I've learned through all of this. When I would go into stores or the doctor's office, I could feel people stare at me, and I'm sure they wonder what happened...and at first it really bothered me...and then I got so I'd just tell them, "I was injured in a car accident by a drunk driver." And the scars on my face have become my conversation starter, a way for me to be able to warn everyone I can about the devastation of drunk driving. Now, the scars are so faded and the swelling is gone, so the only badge left is my left arm splint and a limp. lol Now I tell people Carl beat me up. LMAO
Court Hearing
He goes to court today. He already plead not guilty...ha! that makes me laugh somehow. Carl and his brother are going to the hearing...I just didn't think I could...it's still way too fresh for me to face him, I know I'd just cry the whole time...and then they might think Deb is right and I AM suffering effects from the TBI. lmao
So, let's pray that his sentence is just and right, and that he realizes the extent of what he has done, and I pray for his family that they cease their enabling behaviors and he faces this on his own. I pray that he changes his ways, that he receives the help he needs and maybe even decides to help people like him to get better, or at least opens his eyes and his heart to become the person God meant for him to be.
UPDATE: Just got the call from Carl and his brother who went to the hearing today. The guy didn't show up, but his lawyer did (as did mine) and they did decide to up his charges to a felony, which means he will not be spending time in jail, but in prison. I guess once the D.A. heard of the extent of my injuries, there was no question that he would be charged criminally. Sucks to be him. I do feel badly for him because he is so young, and I know he didn't intentionally cause me harm...but he made a conscious decision to get behind the wheel after getting drunk. I have my own sentence now, and mine will be longer than his...I'll never be the same again, and when he walks out of prison at the end of his sentence, he'll do it on 2 legs that haven't known the pain that mine do every day, and the frustration of severe physical limitations. He's so lucky he didn't cause me permanent spinal cord damage or worse...I don't think I'd be able to restrain Carl from doing him serious harm if he had!
So, let's pray that his sentence is just and right, and that he realizes the extent of what he has done, and I pray for his family that they cease their enabling behaviors and he faces this on his own. I pray that he changes his ways, that he receives the help he needs and maybe even decides to help people like him to get better, or at least opens his eyes and his heart to become the person God meant for him to be.
UPDATE: Just got the call from Carl and his brother who went to the hearing today. The guy didn't show up, but his lawyer did (as did mine) and they did decide to up his charges to a felony, which means he will not be spending time in jail, but in prison. I guess once the D.A. heard of the extent of my injuries, there was no question that he would be charged criminally. Sucks to be him. I do feel badly for him because he is so young, and I know he didn't intentionally cause me harm...but he made a conscious decision to get behind the wheel after getting drunk. I have my own sentence now, and mine will be longer than his...I'll never be the same again, and when he walks out of prison at the end of his sentence, he'll do it on 2 legs that haven't known the pain that mine do every day, and the frustration of severe physical limitations. He's so lucky he didn't cause me permanent spinal cord damage or worse...I don't think I'd be able to restrain Carl from doing him serious harm if he had!
Monday, January 09, 2006
Kaeden
I haven't talked much about this aspect of the effects of the accident because it makes me so sad...my stepson Kaeden has behavioral/emotional issues. He lies, he's impulsive, has trouble forming healthy relationships with people, and is always getting in trouble. He has been through a lot. I seemed to be one of the few people who could get through to him. After living with us for 3 years, he was really making some good progress. He had been bounced around his mother's family for most of his life, spending only the first 2 1/2 years with his mother, the rest with her aunt or her own mother, which didn't do him any good either as his grandma is a neurotic, selfish person. We won't get into detail about her....let's just say she didn't do him any favors by condoning his bad behavior "because he's been through so much" and encouraging him to rely on her for everything instead of teaching him to be accountable, independent, and have confidence. We spent a lot of time teaching him these values....teaching, reinforcing, teaching, reinforcing...he is a lot of work, but it seemed to be paying off for him.
Ok, so Kaeden's behavioral issues...he was pretty well-behaved for us. His grades had gotten better, and he didn't seem to have as many anger issues as he did when he first lived with us. However, we were not aware of the fights he was starting every day at school, to the point where the public school system was going to expell him. Shock to us. So when I got in this accident, he kind of flipped out. He was difficult for Carl to manage with everything else going on and me not there to help. So, he went to live with his mother in Oregon. In a way, it's better for him to be with her right now because she needs to address some of his abandonment issues as they started with her. But it makes me sad that we couldn't meet his needs anymore as the focus couldn't be on him, but had to be on my hospitalization and how Carl's and my roles as parents totally changed....I was absent completely, and Carl was trying to be with me at the hospital as much as possible while also being dad and working....quite a large load compared to our normal routine. I really miss that routine. The other kids seem to be adjusting well...in fact, I think they really like mom being home all the time even though she can't do all of the things she used to. So anyway the point is that I am sad that this accident forced us to lose one of our kids. That's how I feel. H is such a special needs kid that, because of the changes in our lives due to this accident, we couldn't give him what he needed. I wrestle with that somedays. The saddest thing about it is, since he left, everyone has commented on how much happier the rest of the kids are and how well they get along. I guess we weren't even aware of what an instigator Kaeden was...I hope he gets the help he needs, and can get a handle on his issues and someday come back to live here. I miss him a lot....he was my bud. We get to talk to him every day, so that's the good thing.
Ok, so Kaeden's behavioral issues...he was pretty well-behaved for us. His grades had gotten better, and he didn't seem to have as many anger issues as he did when he first lived with us. However, we were not aware of the fights he was starting every day at school, to the point where the public school system was going to expell him. Shock to us. So when I got in this accident, he kind of flipped out. He was difficult for Carl to manage with everything else going on and me not there to help. So, he went to live with his mother in Oregon. In a way, it's better for him to be with her right now because she needs to address some of his abandonment issues as they started with her. But it makes me sad that we couldn't meet his needs anymore as the focus couldn't be on him, but had to be on my hospitalization and how Carl's and my roles as parents totally changed....I was absent completely, and Carl was trying to be with me at the hospital as much as possible while also being dad and working....quite a large load compared to our normal routine. I really miss that routine. The other kids seem to be adjusting well...in fact, I think they really like mom being home all the time even though she can't do all of the things she used to. So anyway the point is that I am sad that this accident forced us to lose one of our kids. That's how I feel. H is such a special needs kid that, because of the changes in our lives due to this accident, we couldn't give him what he needed. I wrestle with that somedays. The saddest thing about it is, since he left, everyone has commented on how much happier the rest of the kids are and how well they get along. I guess we weren't even aware of what an instigator Kaeden was...I hope he gets the help he needs, and can get a handle on his issues and someday come back to live here. I miss him a lot....he was my bud. We get to talk to him every day, so that's the good thing.
D.A. Letter
Copy of the letter I wrote to the D.A. about my case. Don't know if it will make a difference for the sentencing or not, but we'll see. I think he has a pretrial hearing today.
To whom it May Concern,
My name is Lisa Kurschner. I am the injured party in the accident on hwy 29 with Lucas Fox on November 5. After being extracted from my mangled vehicle, I was rushed to Luther Hospital. Upon arrival, emergency surgery was done to remove my ruptured spleen. I was intubated, put on a ventilator and a chest tube was inserted for a punctured and collapsed left lung. Many doctors have told me it’s amazing that I made it through alive. My left hip is broken, which will confine me to a wheelchair for the next 6-8 weeks, after which I will relearn how to walk. I had surgery to remove shattered bones in my right wrist, which leaves my fingers numb and painful. My left palm was cut deeply and full of broken glass, and was torn between my middle and ring fingers, down into the back of my hand, tearing a ligament and breaking a metacarpal. My mangled wedding rings had to be cut off my finger and I’m told they’re beyond repair…my wedding rings. I underwent two surgeries at Luther to repair my hands. My left clavicle is broken. I suffered several lacerations to my face, and my nose was broken badly, and even after three hours of plastic surgery I am left with many scars, numbness and swelling, and even a few pieces of glass left in my face to “work themselves out” over time. I have a broken vertebra in my lumbar spine that I’m told is minor, but makes my feet feel as though they’re on fire or covered in glass.
These are just my physical injuries. The emotions and stress my family and I have endured are unbelievable. My month-long hospital stay took me away from my 6 children, while my husband tried to work and maintain the household without me. I had to stop breastfeeding my baby girl because of my long hospital stay, not to mention my broken hands and the medications I have to take for pain now. I can’t hold my children. My hands and collarbone are not well enough and may not be for months. I can’t care for my babies on my own, as I won’t be strong enough or able. I cannot work for at least 2 months, so my contribution to our family income is reduced to zero. To a family this size, that is a scary reality. I was a full time student in the nursing program at CVTC, but will have to delay or repeat my courses once I am able to walk again. This accident will prevent me from graduating as a nurse in May of 2006.
Although I do not believe that Lucas Fox got behind the wheel with the intention of causing my family and I all of this suffering and injury, he got behind the wheel after drinking alcohol…and not for the first time, either. Something has to be done to get through to this man before someone is killed, as I very nearly was. I don’t believe he should ever be given another chance to drive recklessly while under the influence, and maybe that will serve as a reminder to him of the life he nearly took, but definitely altered severely. I will never be the same again.
Please receive this letter not from a bitter, angry victim, because I am not that. I am so thankful to be alive that my heart overflows. I have another chance at a life I love so much! But receive this letter from a severely injured woman who is seeking to ensure that no one else has to endure this kind of suffering at the hands of Lucas Fox. If he is unable to make wise decisions concerning drinking and driving, then he should not be allowed to drive at all. He should spend much time thinking about the lives he’s altered so greatly, and he should undergo alcohol abuse counseling and treatment. I also wish that he would have to spend time with the families of drunk driver victims, to hear firsthand of the pain and anguish that this devastating decision can cause. I pray for Lucas Fox and his family, and hope that he understands fully the impact he has had on so many lives…my entire family’s, my coworkers, classmates and friends…and the life that I knew is no longer mine. I face each day with painful broken bones to mend, and a wheelchair or walker to depend upon for mobility. Each night I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, as I relive the accident that I pray I never remember while I’m conscious. I thank God that I am strong, and am healing well with the love and support of family and friends, but I grieve for the life I have been cheated out of. I will face the reality of this accident every day of my life, and so should Lucas Fox.
Sincerely,
Lisa Kurschner
I should add to this that the removal of my spleen has left me with a compromised immune system. I have to be on antibiotics at the slightest sniffle or fever to prevent my body from being attacked by massive infection that can normally be warded off by the functions of the spleen. I'll have to deal with that for the rest of my life. Another HUGE impact this accident has had...ok next post.
To whom it May Concern,
My name is Lisa Kurschner. I am the injured party in the accident on hwy 29 with Lucas Fox on November 5. After being extracted from my mangled vehicle, I was rushed to Luther Hospital. Upon arrival, emergency surgery was done to remove my ruptured spleen. I was intubated, put on a ventilator and a chest tube was inserted for a punctured and collapsed left lung. Many doctors have told me it’s amazing that I made it through alive. My left hip is broken, which will confine me to a wheelchair for the next 6-8 weeks, after which I will relearn how to walk. I had surgery to remove shattered bones in my right wrist, which leaves my fingers numb and painful. My left palm was cut deeply and full of broken glass, and was torn between my middle and ring fingers, down into the back of my hand, tearing a ligament and breaking a metacarpal. My mangled wedding rings had to be cut off my finger and I’m told they’re beyond repair…my wedding rings. I underwent two surgeries at Luther to repair my hands. My left clavicle is broken. I suffered several lacerations to my face, and my nose was broken badly, and even after three hours of plastic surgery I am left with many scars, numbness and swelling, and even a few pieces of glass left in my face to “work themselves out” over time. I have a broken vertebra in my lumbar spine that I’m told is minor, but makes my feet feel as though they’re on fire or covered in glass.
These are just my physical injuries. The emotions and stress my family and I have endured are unbelievable. My month-long hospital stay took me away from my 6 children, while my husband tried to work and maintain the household without me. I had to stop breastfeeding my baby girl because of my long hospital stay, not to mention my broken hands and the medications I have to take for pain now. I can’t hold my children. My hands and collarbone are not well enough and may not be for months. I can’t care for my babies on my own, as I won’t be strong enough or able. I cannot work for at least 2 months, so my contribution to our family income is reduced to zero. To a family this size, that is a scary reality. I was a full time student in the nursing program at CVTC, but will have to delay or repeat my courses once I am able to walk again. This accident will prevent me from graduating as a nurse in May of 2006.
Although I do not believe that Lucas Fox got behind the wheel with the intention of causing my family and I all of this suffering and injury, he got behind the wheel after drinking alcohol…and not for the first time, either. Something has to be done to get through to this man before someone is killed, as I very nearly was. I don’t believe he should ever be given another chance to drive recklessly while under the influence, and maybe that will serve as a reminder to him of the life he nearly took, but definitely altered severely. I will never be the same again.
Please receive this letter not from a bitter, angry victim, because I am not that. I am so thankful to be alive that my heart overflows. I have another chance at a life I love so much! But receive this letter from a severely injured woman who is seeking to ensure that no one else has to endure this kind of suffering at the hands of Lucas Fox. If he is unable to make wise decisions concerning drinking and driving, then he should not be allowed to drive at all. He should spend much time thinking about the lives he’s altered so greatly, and he should undergo alcohol abuse counseling and treatment. I also wish that he would have to spend time with the families of drunk driver victims, to hear firsthand of the pain and anguish that this devastating decision can cause. I pray for Lucas Fox and his family, and hope that he understands fully the impact he has had on so many lives…my entire family’s, my coworkers, classmates and friends…and the life that I knew is no longer mine. I face each day with painful broken bones to mend, and a wheelchair or walker to depend upon for mobility. Each night I wake up in a cold sweat, heart pounding, as I relive the accident that I pray I never remember while I’m conscious. I thank God that I am strong, and am healing well with the love and support of family and friends, but I grieve for the life I have been cheated out of. I will face the reality of this accident every day of my life, and so should Lucas Fox.
Sincerely,
Lisa Kurschner
I should add to this that the removal of my spleen has left me with a compromised immune system. I have to be on antibiotics at the slightest sniffle or fever to prevent my body from being attacked by massive infection that can normally be warded off by the functions of the spleen. I'll have to deal with that for the rest of my life. Another HUGE impact this accident has had...ok next post.
Looking Back
I found a letter I pounded out on a word document about a month ago. It's funny to look back at how I felt that day...the lawyer was right. He said it's important to keep track of every day, because "you're such a positive person that you'll find the good in every day, but you need to remember the negative too, because this is part of the reality of what happened to you." He's so nice...
So here's one of my few "angry" days...I've really only had about...5 days that I was feeling really negative. I have so much to be thankful for, I don't want to ruin that by dwelling on negative thoughts or emotions.
Today…
Today I’m angry and sad. Angry because my face is scarred and my smile looks forced. So pissed off at myself for not appreciating my looks when I had them…cuz boy, I had them. Looking at pictures from Halloween, one week before the accident…it makes me so sad, I look so happy, I had no idea what would happen next… Now the left side of my face is half frozen and full of glass. How awful…sure doesn’t do much for a girl’s desirability I guess. Neither does tipping the scales at a whopping 125 pounds when You’re nearly 5’11”, thanks to your newly-improved hip, which makes my left leg longer by about an inch or so…I’m so sick of feeling like I’m going through this alone…I sit here alone every day and think. I’d love to be doing other things, but I get little more than half of any task done and pain forces me to stop. I’m SO SICK OF THAT. Angry because I’m in constant pain, I limp on a broken hip and try and go about some semblance of a daily routine with a cast up past my elbow and a stiff right wrist. I’m so sad….because I am forced to find a new way to be a part of my family…the family that I have been the glue for since forever…forced to find another way to have some sort of relationship with my husband, because I can’t seem to get back to the silly banter and teasing that we always had…everything he says cuts me and I see him as selfish, short-tempered and insensitive…but wasn’t he always? Why is it so hard for me to deal with now??? Because I’m tired of it always being about him…it’s always been about him, and it can’t be now. It’s got to be about the kids, and doctor’s appointments, and whether or not Lisa can manage on her own. I’M MANAGING, DAMMIT. What else can I do?? I’m so mad at that damn asshole for doing this to my life. I can’t believe how full of rage I am for him…I just want my life back. I’m SO ANGRY at that guy for taking it away from me…what right did he have? What the hell was he thinking? I had everything just the way I wanted it, things were working out so perfectly…and now here I sit, running my half-numb fingers over the bumps of glass in my face, looking at the ugly splint I’m stuck in for yet another month…watching my kids sleep and wishing to God they would never have had to go through the pain of wondering whether or not their mama was going to live. WHAT RIGHT DOES THAT FUCKER HAVE TO PUT MY FAMILY THRU THIS???? I want to bash his head in…I want to rail on him for what an idiot he’s been…I want him to see my scarred face and my UGLY FUCKING WALKER and know how bad he tried to fuck up what I had. I swear…no drunk sonofabitch is going to take away what God has given me…no way. I will get better, and most of my scars will heal…I’m just so pissed off that I have to go through all of this because of someone else’s stupidity. And now I have to quit because my arms are aching from typing. Fucker.
Wow. And today, I'm down to one splint on the left arm. The swelling in my face and the scars have diminished so much. I can walk without that walker, and I have gained back a few pounds. So there has been definite progress!
So here's one of my few "angry" days...I've really only had about...5 days that I was feeling really negative. I have so much to be thankful for, I don't want to ruin that by dwelling on negative thoughts or emotions.
Today…
Today I’m angry and sad. Angry because my face is scarred and my smile looks forced. So pissed off at myself for not appreciating my looks when I had them…cuz boy, I had them. Looking at pictures from Halloween, one week before the accident…it makes me so sad, I look so happy, I had no idea what would happen next… Now the left side of my face is half frozen and full of glass. How awful…sure doesn’t do much for a girl’s desirability I guess. Neither does tipping the scales at a whopping 125 pounds when You’re nearly 5’11”, thanks to your newly-improved hip, which makes my left leg longer by about an inch or so…I’m so sick of feeling like I’m going through this alone…I sit here alone every day and think. I’d love to be doing other things, but I get little more than half of any task done and pain forces me to stop. I’m SO SICK OF THAT. Angry because I’m in constant pain, I limp on a broken hip and try and go about some semblance of a daily routine with a cast up past my elbow and a stiff right wrist. I’m so sad….because I am forced to find a new way to be a part of my family…the family that I have been the glue for since forever…forced to find another way to have some sort of relationship with my husband, because I can’t seem to get back to the silly banter and teasing that we always had…everything he says cuts me and I see him as selfish, short-tempered and insensitive…but wasn’t he always? Why is it so hard for me to deal with now??? Because I’m tired of it always being about him…it’s always been about him, and it can’t be now. It’s got to be about the kids, and doctor’s appointments, and whether or not Lisa can manage on her own. I’M MANAGING, DAMMIT. What else can I do?? I’m so mad at that damn asshole for doing this to my life. I can’t believe how full of rage I am for him…I just want my life back. I’m SO ANGRY at that guy for taking it away from me…what right did he have? What the hell was he thinking? I had everything just the way I wanted it, things were working out so perfectly…and now here I sit, running my half-numb fingers over the bumps of glass in my face, looking at the ugly splint I’m stuck in for yet another month…watching my kids sleep and wishing to God they would never have had to go through the pain of wondering whether or not their mama was going to live. WHAT RIGHT DOES THAT FUCKER HAVE TO PUT MY FAMILY THRU THIS???? I want to bash his head in…I want to rail on him for what an idiot he’s been…I want him to see my scarred face and my UGLY FUCKING WALKER and know how bad he tried to fuck up what I had. I swear…no drunk sonofabitch is going to take away what God has given me…no way. I will get better, and most of my scars will heal…I’m just so pissed off that I have to go through all of this because of someone else’s stupidity. And now I have to quit because my arms are aching from typing. Fucker.
Wow. And today, I'm down to one splint on the left arm. The swelling in my face and the scars have diminished so much. I can walk without that walker, and I have gained back a few pounds. So there has been definite progress!
Friday, January 06, 2006
Good Days!
Today was a good day. I looked in the mirror and realized, I look like me again! (with a straighter nose lol) The shadows under my eyes are getting better, the scars are fading more all the time, and the color is back in my cheeks. The fact that mom brought me a pair of size 3/4 jeans and they fit didn't bother me--we laughed at the prospect of cheering the day I can't button them because that means I'm at a healthy weight again. At 5'10" (5'11" with my new hip) a size 3/4 and 125 lbs is not good on my frame. lol Mom treated Kianna and I to a haircut and ice cream today...she always knows how to pick me up. I'm so thankful that my mom is also one of my best friends. So, a cute short haircut to even out the chunks of hair we cut out when it was a mass of knots and blood and glass...so all in all we must have cut around 8 inches? And it's cute! I'll have to put a before and after pic up here so we remember how far I've come. I'm sad I had to cut my long hair, but it's just hair and it grows fast. What a goof I am...but getting excited about the little things is what keeps me up.
I swept my floors today, and did dishes. I walked around Shopko and I'm just a little achier than usual...PJ and I made popcorn on the stove. Baby steps...
I swept my floors today, and did dishes. I walked around Shopko and I'm just a little achier than usual...PJ and I made popcorn on the stove. Baby steps...
The good and the bad
I'm sitting here with my 3 year old daughter, who just said to me, "I love you mommy. And you're not going to die right?" And she hugs me and looks up at me with her huge greenblue eyes. What do I tell her? Lie, and say no mommy's never going to die? She already lost me for a month, so she knows I'm not impervious to injury or sickness...don't we all think at 3 years old that our parents are superheroes? So I just hug her tight and say mommy's right here next to you. How horrible that a 3-year-old girl has to worry about her mommy dying. It makes me so angry that my kids had the security of their mom always being here ripped away from them. Gabe wakes up crying almost every night, and half the time he climbs into our bed. He's afraid to sleep in his room by himself. He wasn't like this before the accident. He used to love going to preschool, and never worried about when mommy or daddy were picking him up. Now, every day he asks to stay home with mommy, and once he realizes that isn't happening, he begs daddy to "make it a short day ok daddy?" My poor babies...I wish I could keep them all hojme with me each day to make up for the month that I missed, but I am just not strong enough yet. I may have the physical injuries of the accident, but ALL of us were hurt here. My entire family was hurt by this accident. And I hope we can heal those emotional hurts as well as my bones are healing. Zack and PJ are just angry. Their grades have suffered, I noticed at Christmas break. Zack's teachers call me each week, wondering how we can get through to him. He was goofing off all the time anyway, and now he's not doing any work at all. He doesn't talk about it much either...even the threat of repeating 7th grade is not waking him up. I just keep thinking of Einstein and how he didn't make it past 8th grade...this kid is my Einstein. *sigh*
I miss cooking for my family...and picking them up or squeezing them tight...I miss my husband holding me like he wasn't afraid I would break. I baked cookies the other day...slow as hell and sore from the repetition of spooning the dough...silly things like that are difficult. But it was so great to watch the kids come home and devour those cookies while they goofed around and laughed...they make it worth it. They are the reason I'm still here...they are why I fought so hard to live!
I miss cooking for my family...and picking them up or squeezing them tight...I miss my husband holding me like he wasn't afraid I would break. I baked cookies the other day...slow as hell and sore from the repetition of spooning the dough...silly things like that are difficult. But it was so great to watch the kids come home and devour those cookies while they goofed around and laughed...they make it worth it. They are the reason I'm still here...they are why I fought so hard to live!
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