I think a lot on how I felt inside during those first few days, and then how my emotions came around as I got stronger...I was so unaware of what went on, with the huge amount of morphine I was given, I slept so much. But I remember feeling just this awful, screaming feeling...you've heard the saying "a scream like a tear in the fabric of the universe..." That's how I felt. Like there was this huge scream, and then my world was completely shattered...I was shattered. My body was so beaten up, I couldn't even think about anything but how I hurt sometimes. I just wanted it to be quiet, I wanted to sleep and not have anyone talk to me, but at the same time I didn't want to be alone. It was too scary to be alone. I just wanted to pretend it didn't happen. I slept so hard I'd forget why I was in the hospital when I woke up. That was weird. And while I slept, I know I dreamt of the accident. I'd wake up in a cold sweat, shaking and heart pounding...but I would never remember what I had dreamt about. It's probably better I don't. I still wake up like that sometimes...the first night I didn't dream of it was the first night I slept in my own bed, which was just about 3 weeks ago.
Once my pain was tapering off and I didn't need so much morphine, I had this...epiphany. I suddenly realized how very close I was to death. I remembered feeling surrounded by a warm, sunshiney light, surrounded by women angels that assured me I would be ok and I just knew they'd take care of me. I had been working so hard, Carl and I both, to get ahead...I was in nursing school, and working 3 days a week, and keeping the household running...I was in my element. Everything was so great, it all felt RIGHT. Like we were where we were supposed to be...and then the accident took all of that away, or tried to. I realized the odds I had come up against, and the fact that I survived, and am doing so well in spite of my injuries...I know God brought me back. It's like I can hear Him say to me, "you have so much to do yet. Go finish your work, it's too important to leave undone." THANK YOU LORD for that huge validation. I know I need to be here for my family, for my nursing career to care for patients and help people...that is my calling...and God knew it was important enough that he gave me a second chance. Amen to that, that's all I can say. Every time I pray, I see that sunshine, that horizon that I flew so quickly across on my way to the hospital...I'm surrounded by that comforting warmth that I know is the Lord holding me, filling me with His love and His peace...and I am so humbled. He kept me here, and He keeps me safe.
I had a warning come to me in a dream a few weeks before the accident. My sweet band director, G, who was killed in that horrible bus accident, came to me in a dream the morning he died. We were standing on a gray road, the light was gray, everything was foggy and confusing. It wasn't like an accident scene but just kind of...there, in between realms or something...G kept trying urgently to tell me something, and even though he was speaking English I just couldn't understand what he was trying to tell me...it was so complicated it was just beyond my comprehension. I remember thinking, what is wrong with me that I just can't get what he's saying?? Other people's faces kept popping into view and they'd try and tell me too...but I just couldn't get it, I was frustrated! G finally just said, "You just need to know that it's not too late for you, not like it is for us." And he gestured toward what looked like an empty bus seat, but somehow I knew his wife was there, and then he went to her. I woke up feeling like, why the hell would I dream about my band director when I haven't even seen him in like 5 years? And I laughed, shook it off, and started my day...and then mom called me and told me she had heard about the bus crash but they hadn't released names of victims yet...but I told her I knew it was G and his wife, and that I had dreamt about them. I didn't understand the dream until after my own accident...then it made sense. Somehow, G was trying to send me the message, that I was going to make it through my trauma, that I was going to be ok...and it was ok that he wasn't, because Terese was with him. This is what makes me hit my knees, broken hip and all, every day. God is there. He is listening. He cannot protect us from the consequences of free will, but He can, and does, give us the tools to deal with the atrocities of this world, in the form of his Grace, Love, Peace, and Forgiveness. There are angels out there. I've always believed it, but now, I'm living it.
