I found a letter I pounded out on a word document about a month ago. It's funny to look back at how I felt that day...the lawyer was right. He said it's important to keep track of every day, because "you're such a positive person that you'll find the good in every day, but you need to remember the negative too, because this is part of the reality of what happened to you." He's so nice...
So here's one of my few "angry" days...I've really only had about...5 days that I was feeling really negative. I have so much to be thankful for, I don't want to ruin that by dwelling on negative thoughts or emotions.
Today…
Today I’m angry and sad. Angry because my face is scarred and my smile looks forced. So pissed off at myself for not appreciating my looks when I had them…cuz boy, I had them. Looking at pictures from Halloween, one week before the accident…it makes me so sad, I look so happy, I had no idea what would happen next… Now the left side of my face is half frozen and full of glass. How awful…sure doesn’t do much for a girl’s desirability I guess. Neither does tipping the scales at a whopping 125 pounds when You’re nearly 5’11”, thanks to your newly-improved hip, which makes my left leg longer by about an inch or so…I’m so sick of feeling like I’m going through this alone…I sit here alone every day and think. I’d love to be doing other things, but I get little more than half of any task done and pain forces me to stop. I’m SO SICK OF THAT. Angry because I’m in constant pain, I limp on a broken hip and try and go about some semblance of a daily routine with a cast up past my elbow and a stiff right wrist. I’m so sad….because I am forced to find a new way to be a part of my family…the family that I have been the glue for since forever…forced to find another way to have some sort of relationship with my husband, because I can’t seem to get back to the silly banter and teasing that we always had…everything he says cuts me and I see him as selfish, short-tempered and insensitive…but wasn’t he always? Why is it so hard for me to deal with now??? Because I’m tired of it always being about him…it’s always been about him, and it can’t be now. It’s got to be about the kids, and doctor’s appointments, and whether or not Lisa can manage on her own. I’M MANAGING, DAMMIT. What else can I do?? I’m so mad at that damn asshole for doing this to my life. I can’t believe how full of rage I am for him…I just want my life back. I’m SO ANGRY at that guy for taking it away from me…what right did he have? What the hell was he thinking? I had everything just the way I wanted it, things were working out so perfectly…and now here I sit, running my half-numb fingers over the bumps of glass in my face, looking at the ugly splint I’m stuck in for yet another month…watching my kids sleep and wishing to God they would never have had to go through the pain of wondering whether or not their mama was going to live. WHAT RIGHT DOES THAT FUCKER HAVE TO PUT MY FAMILY THRU THIS???? I want to bash his head in…I want to rail on him for what an idiot he’s been…I want him to see my scarred face and my UGLY FUCKING WALKER and know how bad he tried to fuck up what I had. I swear…no drunk sonofabitch is going to take away what God has given me…no way. I will get better, and most of my scars will heal…I’m just so pissed off that I have to go through all of this because of someone else’s stupidity. And now I have to quit because my arms are aching from typing. Fucker.
Wow. And today, I'm down to one splint on the left arm. The swelling in my face and the scars have diminished so much. I can walk without that walker, and I have gained back a few pounds. So there has been definite progress!
